Coming to a pivotal point...

[SometimesNever]

Before I start I would like to explain a few things. First off, I have scoured the web looking for the right place to speak up. I have seen many different sites, quickly passed up because the community did not feel right. Now understand, I lurked on all of them. I finally found this site and feel more comfortable laying my thoughts out here.

Ok, here is a little background on the situation. I am a female in my mid 30's. I am in a professional career. I have been married to a very straight man since the late 90's. He is more dominant by far and I am not speaking in a sense of BDSM. I have ALWAYS been a leader, never a follower in all aspects of my life, as I am still now. My husband has his own kink but it is very mild in all things compared to even mild BDSM. The only restraints I am allowed to use is my own physical force, holding his wrists in place. He has no idea the depth of whats inside me because I know he thinks the whole thing is "bullshit and sick". He does not understand it the way I do, therefore he will never "feel" it deep inside like I do.

I am, to all those looking at me, the business professional, the good lookin gal next door. I am creeping up on 5' 11 and about 170 1bs. I am pretty athletic and VERY strong for a woman but a lil softness which formed from inactivity over the years.

Sexuality...When I was younger I experimented with threesomes but my sexual experiences were always aimed to men. I have also had quite a bit of experience sexually, just not a lot of partners. I was picky as hell. Partners I was with understood how insationable I could be. I did not have the feeling I have had the last 6 years or so though (the M/s)

When I was about 23 I started getting hit on by many many women including men. My husband didn't mind the thought of me being with women, he saw how they came after me stead fast but has no idea I have never went beyond our seductive in bar dancing flirting. Needless to say, I have had a couple female relationships. I began seeing the intense beauty in woman like I noticed the handsomeness in men. Their sex did not matter, it was the beauty that attracted me so. Those relationships, lit my fires unlike the way I feel with a man although being with a man can please me just the same.

I never acted fully beyond little flings. I did however take one gal with me on a couple business trips. She was pretty subservient in a conventional was and even mild BDSM ways. Anyways, that lasted a few months as she was married to a man as well and neither one of us wanted to out ourselves to SO's and felt we were getting too deep and that was that. I was blessed to live out some BDSM tendacies with her.

Here it is, now that I have written a novel already. I have very very very strong Dominant urges in conventional and mild BDSM ways. I am still attracted to women greatly and still dedicated to my marriage as I do not take such commitments lightly.

The last year or so I am finding a very hot fire burning deeply inside my, my blood feels like its boiling. Fantasies and urges are taking over my subconscious. I know if I was in the lifestyle I would be 100% Dominant with no questions. I have no way whatsoever to release these urges other than in a RP sense in online games.

The game thing, a male played a female "toon" in a MMORPG, for almost two years we shared an online thing with our characters in a deeply M/s way, I being the Master. We still speak but I have left the game about a year ago.

The most recent is one of those gals that have BDSM passions but doesnt play them out in real life as she her last trip down that path she had to run from because the people were out of control and the safety and trust were almost gone. I am the Master in this situation, as well and she is 100% subservient in all ways. My husband has a mild understanding that two of the characters I have played in the last 6 years has "girlfriends" but he has no idea to the extent of which I played out the fantasy. He belives me to be strictly straight because I have turned down MANY advances in front of him in real life.

I also write short stories from experiences with these "alter ego" characters in game. I love to write and am quite good at it, I have been told many times. Again, this alleviates some of what I feel inside but I still feel that fire.

I cannot just go out and meet someone or start a M/s in RL as I am a married woman and would not go to that extent against my vows to my husband. I will not include him either because he has definetly not deserved the right in ANY way to witness my inside emotions, which he would probably call me a "sickfuck" if he knew half the things that burnt inside me. The true BDSM Master inside me wants to discipline him so bad, in so many ways, on so many occassions. I did once out of anger about 5 years ago and he will not let me forget it as he whines and tries to hold it over my head as blackmail.

Do not get me wrong, i full understand what M/s means in every shape and fashion. I also have much tenderness and sensuality inside myself as well. My harshness mainly comes out if I have been greatly angered.

So I have always been the good girl, well I am pretty bad sometimes but those stories are best left for another day. The conservative world sees me and treats me as the good wife next door, the successful business woman that is respected by many.

I do not know if this is a phase but as time goes on I am beginning to see that this feeling is more real than ever. The thought and idea of mastering a submissive individual, gets me freaking hot. I can find no way to quell it and its getting stronger within me, affecting my marriage as more od the Domminant in me comes out. My husband just will not have it.

If you were able to read through this, I need ideas on ways to outsource this.
Am I barking up the wrong tree?

***flame away if ya must, I can handle it***

 

[Cheshire D]

I am not married. Hell, I've only just started living on my lonesome and worrying about how to pay bills. Take the following advice with a grain of salt, or skip over it entirely to heed those who have more life experience than I.

I don't see it as a phase. You need to talk to him. Not yell, scream, or demand....talk. Tell him how you're feeling. If you can, negotiate. He doesn't want to be the bottom to your top, the slave to your master? Then find out if he's okay with you doing it with someone else., which could potentially lead to some sort of emotional involvement, just fair warning. If he's not interested in either, but is okay with you doing your online thing, then you may just have to settle for that. I don't know how madly deeply in love with this man you are in (I'm gathering fairly) but you do have the option of separating from him, if your differences are irreconsilable.

G'luck to ya.

 

[nh23]

I'm wondering if you actually know that he will respond in a negative manner if you tell him about your thoughts and desires..or if you just assume that he will? My situation was almost the same way. My husband is rather vanilla sexually and I always assumed that he would feel that way if I told him how I felt. When I finally couldn't hold it in anymore I spoke to him about it almost expecting divorce out of it..but I had to tell him. I was the one who was surprised. After a lot of discussion me and my husband now have an open marriage. I see my Master when I can and there I can fulfill the desires that I have without my husband having to compromise what he feels comfortable with. My husband is happy now because he doesn't feel the pressure that he felt before. I know that this type of situation doesn't work for everyone... but my husband and I have been together for ten years. We are happier now than we have ever been. Of course not knowing your husband I can't say that he will respond the same way...but I can tell you from personal experience if you don't speak with him about how you feel it may end up destroying your marriage anyway...Hope this helps..

 

[SometimesNever]

Thanks for the responces , its appreciated. Since moret people in my circle of life are very very igorant about the lifestyle and the true respectful and trusting connection between participants. I really had no where to turn, especially if I wasn't sure if my feelings warranted moving further or not.

Ive made many tiny little references to the lifestyle and he was very quick to say how "dumb" and "gross" it was. Even if we see something regarding anything remotely in the lines of BDSM on tv he will switch channels screaming about "trash".

Don't get me wrong he is no saint. He enjoys the hell out porn, anal, oral, we can do it just about anywhere I want. He is all into basic toys. he can talk dirty like the best of the porn pros. He loves orgasmic denial as he is QUITE vocal once I tell him I am ready for him to realease or I dont stop in mid motion to make it dissipate. Although he has no idea what it is, hehe, he likes the feeling of it storing up and exploding.

Any thoughts of sense deprivation or restraints he is totally not for. He cries like a baby if I nibble or scratch too hard. Whips, floggers or even my hand, oh no he will be out the the room fuming. He is a very dominate man, non BDSM. He is like the nosy ass lil lawyer (hes no lawyer he is a tradesman) that wants to know everything and debate EVERYTHING. He is a loud mouth with a temper problem, hehe. That mixed with me being very dominate and independant and trying to be subservient so I dont knock the livin shit out of him, doesn't work.

I have a long day at work and as soon as I get home he starts nagging like a bitch. I cook, clean, keep the house, which I do not mind doing but he has no manners. Id love to teach him how to say please and thank you but his red neck ass wont have it.

Do I love him, sure, in a way, I am still here and working through our differences silently within myself. He is a good man. He is only as good us the eviroment in which he grew up. He is only as good as that of which people let him get away with all his life. I know noone is perfect and never asked him to be perfect as I know I am not perfect either.

But talk to him, shit I cant even ask him all the questions he asks me or talk to him like he talks to me. It'll be a "fuck you" and "Im a grown man" match within three seconds. This happens often so I dont feel like giving him my sex or body unless its to pound him into total exhaustion. Which I do once in a while and he wonders why my "lovemaking" is so hateful during those times. So i get pretty pent up or find myself taking care of myself , which nowadays I am preferring.

I can get past all that, its who he is and thats great but as i get hungrier the more we find each other talking to brick walls. The more I let my dominant side out the more he calls me names and thats not good at this time in my life.

He doesnt mind if I have other partners as long as he can watch or join in and he wouldnt allow none of the "yumminess" I am looking for and quite frankly he doesnt deserve to watch or join in with basic ole conventional sex with others if he isnt willing to at least meet me half way.

If i left...I would destroy him, he has great love for me, need of me and everyone knows this. If i left he would try to take my business from me because he demanded to be put on the DBA because I used the business name he had as an installer before I opened the store. I love him and don't want us to have problems because my inner desires dont mesh with his. Like I said he has his own kink but its dry... Its just my inner conflicts that are causing us problems. If I was a sub, ohhh we'd be GREAT except he still wouldnt be into more of the "in lifestyle stuff". If he made the money, that might make me an ounce more submissive but I make the money as well. I am not submissive, I am not a slave, I am not a follower.

So there is a little bit to answer some of your questions or thoughts. I dont know I keep thinking all I am going to have to release this inside me is online RP and thats surely not as satifying as the real thing. I know I cant have both and it would be rude of me to stay and demand the other as well but I cant stop whats inside me.

Its not just the sex, its the whole package, its every day life. I know what I need, I know what would statisfy me and its the real deal, its the long haul and it isnt all that "vanilla". The thoughts and fantasies of how I want to interact on a day in and day out basis with my SO just arn't jiving with what I have already chosen and made my vows to.

Oh and I dont raise my voice, I dont scream, I dont yell. If I cant have a mature conversation i dont want to talk to the person. The other thing is its very very very very very hard for me to find someone to live out the lifestyle with even on an online basis since this is no game to me and those into the lifestyle wouldnt stoop down to a online relationshipwith a married woman.

So you are probably right, I will have to just deal and enjoy what i can release online with it or leave.

 

[nh23]

I hate to hear that he's not so easy to talk to when it comes to your desires...I'm honestly kinda stumped then. As far as the online relationships I can't give you any input at all there..Never been in that situation. I know that you Love your husband.. you must your still with him. So this is just my opinion...but it seems rather odd to me that he responds that way when you try to talk to him. All relationships need communication to work..seems like any attempt you try to make at communication is cut off. What I would be afraid of the most for you is that this is going to come to a very nasty end at some point. Just my opinion like I said..but how long can someone deny who they are? How long can you handle it? And even if you can handle it forever..doesn't everyone deserve happiness and fulfillment in life? The online relationship may be all you need now..but what happens when it comes to the point when it's not enough? These are all tough questions I'm sure you've went over and over in you mind. I'm not saying that you don't belong to the man you married. As I said I'm married myself and I didn't take my vows lightly.. but as we grow and change sometimes we grow apart. Those differences can worked out.. like in my situation. But without communication I just don't see where it could work. I wish you the best in this situation and hope you keep us updated in what's going on. I wish I could offer better advice....

 

[neonflux]

Hi SN, I have a series of questions, all very related, not asked lightly:

1a. What do you get out of staying?
1b. What would you lose by leaving?
2a. What do you lose by staying?
2b. What would you gain by leaving?

Whichever way you go eventually decide to go, my thoughts are with you, having been in a similar place several years ago. I stayed in a relationship (with another woman) far longer than I should have. In my case, my life opened up after in ways I'd never imagined possible once I did leave, so I must admit to having a bias, although I would never expect my answer to ever be someone else's, nor for anyone else's decision to leave to have the results mine did...

Neon

Thanks for the responces , its appreciated. Since moret people in my circle of life are very very igorant about the lifestyle and the true respectful and trusting connection between participants. I really had no where to turn, especially if I wasn't sure if my feelings warranted moving further or not.

Ive made many tiny little references to the lifestyle and he was very quick to say how "dumb" and "gross" it was. Even if we see something regarding anything remotely in the lines of BDSM on tv he will switch channels screaming about "trash".

Don't get me wrong he is no saint. He enjoys the hell out porn, anal, oral, we can do it just about anywhere I want. He is all into basic toys. he can talk dirty like the best of the porn pros. He loves orgasmic denial as he is QUITE vocal once I tell him I am ready for him to realease or I dont stop in mid motion to make it dissipate. Although he has no idea what it is, hehe, he likes the feeling of it storing up and exploding.

Any thoughts of sense deprivation or restraints he is totally not for. He cries like a baby if I nibble or scratch too hard. Whips, floggers or even my hand, oh no he will be out the the room fuming. He is a very dominate man, non BDSM. He is like the nosy ass lil lawyer (hes no lawyer he is a tradesman) that wants to know everything and debate EVERYTHING. He is a loud mouth with a temper problem, hehe. That mixed with me being very dominate and independant and trying to be subservient so I dont knock the livin shit out of him, doesn't work.

I have a long day at work and as soon as I get home he starts nagging like a bitch. I cook, clean, keep the house, which I do not mind doing but he has no manners. Id love to teach him how to say please and thank you but his red neck ass wont have it.

Do I love him, sure, in a way, I am still here and working through our differences silently within myself. He is a good man. He is only as good us the eviroment in which he grew up. He is only as good as that of which people let him get away with all his life. I know noone is perfect and never asked him to be perfect as I know I am not perfect either.

But talk to him, shit I cant even ask him all the questions he asks me or talk to him like he talks to me. It'll be a "fuck you" and "Im a grown man" match within three seconds. This happens often so I dont feel like giving him my sex or body unless its to pound him into total exhaustion. Which I do once in a while and he wonders why my "lovemaking" is so hateful during those times. So i get pretty pent up or find myself taking care of myself , which nowadays I am preferring.

I can get past all that, its who he is and thats great but as i get hungrier the more we find each other talking to brick walls. The more I let my dominant side out the more he calls me names and thats not good at this time in my life.

He doesnt mind if I have other partners as long as he can watch or join in and he wouldnt allow none of the "yumminess" I am looking for and quite frankly he doesnt deserve to watch or join in with basic ole conventional sex with others if he isnt willing to at least meet me half way.

If i left...I would destroy him, he has great love for me, need of me and everyone knows this. If i left he would try to take my business from me because he demanded to be put on the DBA because I used the business name he had as an installer before I opened the store. I love him and don't want us to have problems because my inner desires dont mesh with his. Like I said he has his own kink but its dry... Its just my inner conflicts that are causing us problems. If I was a sub, ohhh we'd be GREAT except he still wouldnt be into more of the "in lifestyle stuff". If he made the money, that might make me an ounce more submissive but I make the money as well. I am not submissive, I am not a slave, I am not a follower.

So there is a little bit to answer some of your questions or thoughts. I dont know I keep thinking all I am going to have to release this inside me is online RP and thats surely not as satifying as the real thing. I know I cant have both and it would be rude of me to stay and demand the other as well but I cant stop whats inside me.

Its not just the sex, its the whole package, its every day life. I know what I need, I know what would statisfy me and its the real deal, its the long haul and it isnt all that "vanilla". The thoughts and fantasies of how I want to interact on a day in and day out basis with my SO just arn't jiving with what I have already chosen and made my vows to.

Oh and I dont raise my voice, I dont scream, I dont yell. If I cant have a mature conversation i dont want to talk to the person. The other thing is its very very very very very hard for me to find someone to live out the lifestyle with even on an online basis since this is no game to me and those into the lifestyle wouldnt stoop down to a online relationshipwith a married woman.

So you are probably right, I will have to just deal and enjoy what i can release online with it or leave.

 

[SometimesNever]

-Neon

1a. What do you get out of staying?
Normalness to all that surrounds me. Love of my husband. Company of my husband. We have been together since mid 90's I have a routine, a pattern, I am used to this relationship. No disruption of my Business, which is my livlihood and my means to ...take care of private things. No chance to lose my house, no chance of being outed by my husband or his family in public for being what they would call a "freak". Which could ultimately leak into loosing clients inmy business.

1b. What would you lose by leaving?
The opposite of all 1a. If I loose my business I lose my means of taking care of myself independantly and others. With my business I have the capability to do soooo much more. If I lost my business id have to go back to management somewhere for 40k a year again. Thats surely wont keep my lifestyle or ability to do what I must.

2a. What do you lose by staying?
Whats inside may eat at me and eat at me until i destroy what I am trying to protect in the first place, myself and my marriage...if it is that true and stong which I am thinking is a great possibility.

2b. What would you gain by leaving?
100% freedom and independance to do as id like when Id like. To induldge fully with no reprocussionons or possibilities of disgusted eyes. To be a TRUE dominant in a relation more fitting physically and emotionally to something that is eating away inside me. This possibly being who I am or just a phase, unsure.
......................................................................................................
Interesting thing is I came home quite late last night to very interesting personal message from the sub I have been meeting with in a roleplay sense online. The one that is using this as a tool to experience what she is too fearful to experience in real life as she deemed some of her fantasies too unsafe and that she had no idea how to find a good Mistress even if she was able to to have RL relations.

Because its not...RL, i told her she did not have to redeem anything personnal and did not have to move out of character if she did not want to but her character was. To make her feel more comfortable with out adventures I felt it a need to tell her about myself and my situation in RL. After a lil play and time just chit chatting she was eager to share much with me.

We have known of each other for about 4 months. She wtached me interact with others that were intrigued by me. I, utilizing my writing in regards to my character, which I modeled very much like myself have captivated a few individuals, including this woman. When she first wrote me she said I captivated her with my power, charm and sensuality. She said with my seductiveness, honesty and caring melded with my strong arm she was feeling drawn in and wished to serve me in an online relationship.

I was awe stuck as I thought I would never find this outlet but took it on immidiately and with fervor. I didnt think that there would be enough interaction to justify an online realtion but she has kept up the pace, kept her servient ways...it astounded me.

Last night, her letter was totaly personal. She said we never have to meet but she is feeling a very close bond to me. She said she is a slave to who I am in every way. I wont go into detail reagarding what the scenes were and what happened in them but she made it very clear that she found me experienced, capable and just what she was looking for. She said I was careful, controled, precise and learned...that she had no fear of ANYTHING i wanted and I had her complete trust in everything and anything. Thank goodness for my mild experience and my hours upon hours of research. If i didnt have my writing skills to play everything out with imagry and emotion i am sure it would be different.

Funny thing is, she has had much more experience as a sub than I have at being domme and she said she was pleased and proud to be serving a true Mistress. Hehe, I guess I know what I am doing....just have to do it

So perhaps this is my break? This will give me time to to see if this is a phase or how deep and true my yearnings and desires are.

 

[neonflux]

You seem to have so much to lose by NOT staying, yet reaching compromise with your husband seems so difficult. Do you have any sense yet of how far you will be willing to go should this online relationship actually become a RL one? (The online relationship sounds pretty intensely incredible...) Neon

-Neon

1a. What do you get out of staying?
Normalness to all that surrounds me. Love of my husband. Company of my husband. We have been together since mid 90's I have a routine, a pattern, I am used to this relationship. No disruption of my Business, which is my livlihood and my means to ...take care of private things. No chance to lose my house, no chance of being outed by my husband or his family in public for being what they would call a "freak". Which could ultimately leak into loosing clients inmy business.

1b. What would you lose by leaving?
The opposite of all 1a. If I loose my business I lose my means of taking care of myself independantly and others. With my business I have the capability to do soooo much more. If I lost my business id have to go back to management somewhere for 40k a year again. Thats surely wont keep my lifestyle or ability to do what I must.

2a. What do you lose by staying?
Whats inside may eat at me and eat at me until i destroy what I am trying to protect in the first place, myself and my marriage...if it is that true and stong which I am thinking is a great possibility.

2b. What would you gain by leaving?
100% freedom and independance to do as id like when Id like. To induldge fully with no reprocussionons or possibilities of disgusted eyes. To be a TRUE dominant in a relation more fitting physically and emotionally to something that is eating away inside me. This possibly being who I am or just a phase, unsure.
......................................................................................................
Interesting thing is I came home quite late last night to very interesting personal message from the sub I have been meeting with in a roleplay sense online. The one that is using this as a tool to experience what she is too fearful to experience in real life as she deemed some of her fantasies too unsafe and that she had no idea how to find a good Mistress even if she was able to to have RL relations.

Because its not...RL, i told her she did not have to redeem anything personnal and did not have to move out of character if she did not want to but her character was. To make her feel more comfortable with out adventures I felt it a need to tell her about myself and my situation in RL.

We have known of each other for about 4 months. She wtached me interact with others that were intrigued by my but didnt have the BDSM tendancies. I, utilizing my writing in regards to my character, which I modeled very much like myself have captivated a few individuals, including this woman. When she first wrote me she said I captivated her with my power, charm and sensuality. She said with my seductiveness, honesty and caring melded with my strong arm she was feeling drawn in and wished to serve me in an online relationship.

I was awe stuck as I thought I would never find this outlet but took it on immidiately and with fervor. I didnt think that there would be enough interaction to justify an online realtion but she has kept up the pace, kept her servient ways...it astounded me.

Last night, her letter was totaly personal. She said we never have to meet or we can meet under any circumstances that I wish as long as I do not leave her. She said she is a slave to who I am in every way. I wont go into detail reagarding what the scenes were and what happened in them but she made it very clear that she found me experienced, capable and just what she was looking for. She said she slightly feared some of the rougher stuff but I after it was done, she knew I was careful, controled, precise and learned...that she had no fear of ANYTHING i wanted and I had her complete trust in everything and anything.

So perhaps this is my break? This will give me time to to see if this is a phase or how deep and true my yearnings and desires are. It also gives me the ability to transfer from online to RL, she knows I am in a straight marriage with a man. She said if it was my wish she would go to anyone I commanded her to , even my husband as long as it was 100% under my watch, my control, my hand.

 

[FurryFury]

It sounds like you are being blackmailed emotionally and financially to stay in the relationship, a relationship that doesn't meet your needs.

People who can't live without you? Almost always can and should.

I'd want my name off that company. I'd want out. I never get out but that's what I'd want. If you do as well, I'd suggest you check out your legal options.

If there are any pictures that your husband has of you with others or whatever, it might be wise to make them disappear.

I think I'd rather flip hamburgers and live in a tent than put up with someone making me responsible for their every emotion while refusing to meet my needs and blackmailing me.

In any case, good luck.

Fury

 

[SweetErika]

Welcome, SN. I'm glad you felt comfortable enough to come share with us.

-Neon

1a. What do you get out of staying?
Normalness to all that surrounds me. Love of my husband. Company of my husband. We have been together since mid 90's I have a routine, a pattern, I am used to this relationship.

This is interesting because I got the impression you weren't happy with the normalcy/routine, and there's (albeit quiet, perhaps) hatred, rather than a lot of love, between you and your husband.

Have you asked yourself about the possibilities of starting a NEW routine, one in which you're creating your own happiness? What would that do for your soul?

No disruption of my Business, which is my livlihood and my means to ...take care of private things. No chance to lose my house, no chance of being outed by my husband or his family in public for being what they would call a "freak". Which could ultimately leak into loosing clients inmy business.

1b. What would you lose by leaving?
The opposite of all 1a. If I loose my business I lose my means of taking care of myself independantly and others. With my business I have the capability to do soooo much more. If I lost my business id have to go back to management somewhere for 40k a year again. Thats surely wont keep my lifestyle or ability to do what I must.

I guess I think more in terms of solving problems. Here I see that you're a successful, experienced business woman who has valuable, marketable skills, and could likely even start a new business if it came to that. You may lose your current home, but there's a good chance you'll find a new one to be happy in.

The thought of being outed is scary, but who says you can't leave your marriage and have discreet D/s relationships, or is there anything forcing you to stay in your current community (e.g. a court order)?

What is being truly happy and free worth to you? Is it worth having a simpler lifestyle for a while while you re-establish yourself?

2a. What do you lose by staying?
Whats inside may eat at me and eat at me until i destroy what I am trying to protect in the first place, myself and my marriage...if it is that true and stong which I am thinking is a great possibility.

To me, this says just about everything. As others have said, your marriage doesn't sound like it's headed in a positive direction, unfortunately. Unless there are some dramatic changes, it's likely going to be destroyed, so I think you have to ask yourself if it's really worth waiting for that to happen if you don't think those changes are likely to occur.

So perhaps this is my break? This will give me time to to see if this is a phase or how deep and true my yearnings and desires are. It also gives me the ability to transfer from online to RL, she knows I am in a straight marriage with a man. She said if it was my wish she would go to anyone I commanded her to , even my husband as long as it was 100% under my watch, my control, my hand.

Maybe, though have you thought about what could happen if your husband discovers your OL relationship(s)/activities? I suppose if I were in what I understand to be your situation, I'd rather re-establish myself than wait for something that's likely to be a lot more messy and hurtful.

For me, whether things are a phase or not is unimportant. What matters is being able to explore interests and find/be myself freely. I'm very lucky my traditional husband has grown into a very open-minded man who's willing to support me in doing just that, but I'm not sure if I could be happy and stay married if we had gone in separate directions.

What I would suggest to you now is counseling. A good (preferably kink-friendly - there are listings for them online and through GLBT and BDSM organizations, usually) therapist could get a better picture of what's going on and help you make the right decisions for you if you're having trouble with that. And your sessions are confidential. If nothing else, it might be beneficial for you to have someone to talk to in RT about your feelings and decisions.

 

[SometimesNever]

Furry Fury,At first glance loosing the business would not seem so bad until one lookes at what has gone into making it what it is now. It took me nearly 5 years to get it where it is now and I am not sure I have the patience or desire to do it all over again. The distinguishing point is that I put all my money into the business, keeping it going, giving it a push to move ahead. My husband takes care of the bills at home, or is supposed to. I usually have to hand him over a thousand a month and it drains me. As for pictures and videos, he has none, well some pictures but they are damn good hot pics, ill let him keep them. If we do seperate I want to leave him with the memory and pictures for him to know what his closed mindedness has lost him.

Sweeterika,I am not happy with the normalcy I have now to a point. I know I am a routine girl. I do not admit change very easily especially after so long. He and I have been a given for over ten years...the routine and knowing is cemented. I like the normalcy of having someone there. I like the normalcy of having someone to touch me, for me to touch someone. I am still quite conventional even though I have bursts of "in the lifestyle" feelings, emotions, desires. I am still socialy, emotionly and physicly dominant though. FYI, I am not a player and am like I said pretty picky so it may take me a while to find the perfect fit for me anyways. Perhaps it is me, who is afraid to break away from all that I know, the normalcy. perhaps because I do not kno what to take of these strong feelings, will they be part of me forever, will they be fleeting? Is it a real addiction I have or only fantasy?

Because of the above and the fact that I dislike so much as well as like so much of my current situation I am going to make him sit down and talk to me even if my lead into the conversation is misleading. If I lead with the fact that I "think" I am bi...might serve me well to at least get his attention. i am going to ask that he allows me to experiment and explore privately my inner desires. i will also let let him know this may be like any other relation, where feelings will grow and there may be emotional and physical attatchments to who ever I choose to practice long term with.

My thing is if i found "my" sub, again I am very picky and certain things just wouldnt go for me, I would have a bond stronger than that with my husband and would strike to move to a 24/7. This I have to do deep thinking about, if my husband was okay with my outside our relations realtionship i wonder how I would work that. I suppose I would have to set up "play dates" then go back to my husband. If I left my husband to have no distraction from my new relationships would be much easier. This is a huuuge pivotal point.

Yeah, what I have found with my slave online just recently is explosive! My role in this D/s relation very similar to what I would be in real life. Sensual, eloquent, sophisticated, seducing, tempting, who practices sensual play, sensory deprivation, erotic sexual denial, mild humilation, bondage, erotic spankings, body worship, and *winks* a few other stronger lifestyle techniques. I have a very very strong hand when I am angered by disobedience and sometimes just for my pleasure.

Answering Neon here, if what I have now becomes to real and to emotionally knawing at me where bonds are strongly formed between this online slave and myself I will do what I must to bring it into RT if that is what we both desire. If it is that strong and that perfect to me, I have no choice other than to embrace it FULLY. I love that she sees how I naturally command respect in all I do in business and with many others I meet. I love that she already sees me as guiding, teaching, protective. I love that she is able to communicate with me easily about limits and her feelings. I love how submissive and eager she is to please me and learn. She, physically is very attractive and the stature I would be seeking out.

Anyhow, I want to thank you all for your ideas and thoughts, for your time in this matter. I know it isnt exactly held in high appreciation the way things are coming about for me but I had to speak to someone.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

I'll keep this short and to the point, SN, because you are very good at rationalizing your reasons.

If it is truly your heart's path and desire to be the Dominant or Mistress in a relationship, this calling, this longing you feel will, eventually, come down to a choice.

Do you choose to be true to yourself?

Or do you choose to live a lie?

You have to live with the consequences of either choice. There will be positive consequences either way, there will be negative consequences either way.

Only you can decide what you can live with when you look in the mirror. Your values, your conscience, your morals, heart, your soul... You are the only one that HAS to live with you. Sooooo...

What's more important? A fat bank account or the freedom to be yourself?
What's more important? Keeping your existing business? Or starting fresh perhaps in a new place with a new outlook and the freedom to take your business in whatever direction you wish?
What's more important? What your neighbors see? Or your peace of mind?
What's more important? The habits and routine that bind you to your current life? Or being able to live the life your heart is calling for?
What's more important? NOW? Or where you want to be 10 years from now?

Can you imagine living, in 10 yeears, as you are now? Where you are now? With who you are now? With 10 years of increasing frustration, anger, resentment, on your part for being caged? On his part because you aren't the woman he thought you were and you haven't conformed to his desires?

Okay... this hasn't been as short as I intended. So I'll close up with this thought.

Ending it now will be painful. It will, without any doubt, disrupt your life. How much worse will it be though, when you finally reach the point 2 years, 5 years, 10 years from now when you can no longer make the choice to stay because to do so will be to die emotionally, spiritually, perhaps even physically? ? ?

Deny who you are and live a lie, eventually that will end up killing all that's good in you, or the truth will out. What you are agonizing over right now is whether or not to embrace the change or deny yourself. Delaying the choice is an option, but it will come sooner or later.

 

[FurryFury]

Furry Fury,At first glance loosing the business would not seem so bad until one lookes at what has gone into making it what it is now. It took me nearly 5 years to get it where it is now and I am not sure I have the patience or desire to do it all over again. The distinguishing point is that I put all my money into the business, keeping it going, giving it a push to move ahead. My husband takes care of the bills at home, or is supposed to. I usually have to hand him over a thousand a month and it drains me. As for pictures and videos, he has none, well some pictures but they are damn good hot pics, ill let him keep them. If we do seperate I want to leave him with the memory and pictures for him to know what his closed mindedness has lost him.

I'll say it again, if you decide to leave you need to seek legal council. If your money went into the business that's an important legal point.

If he has compromising photos of you that could also be an important legal point.

Fury

 

[SometimesNever]

FurryFury-The photos are no more compomising than that of an play girl pin up. He and I have never taking anything that would compromise my business other than the fact that I "may" be a lil sassier than most other white picket fence women.

If we parted I would hear him out on his thoughts naturaly as i would expect him to listen to my thoughts. If no agreement came i would get council from my lawyer and attemp to at most meet him half way with a compromise we can both live with.

Although after he finds out just how much it costs to keep that business running I am sure he will tuck his tail between his legs and heave ownership to me and ask to just stay on as a technician. I think the business costs about 2k more a month out of pocket, over profits, right now. He spends almost the same per month on our home/personal bills as I do for the business so legally I am sure the council will think a split 50/50 would be in store.

The thing is, i have the ability to take care of myself and rebuild much quicker than he. I, unlike most other women would leave him with just about everything so if he finds another woman, they can at least be comfortable together and he will not have to struggle so hard to rebuild.

Evil_Geoff- I choose to be true to myself and I do not wish to live a lie. I also wish to be considerate to a man who truly loves me and whom I am married to. Still, not at the expense of me wanting to test these waters to know for sure if this is where my heart will lead me for a lifestyle.

I am still battling in my deepest point of my soul if the lifestyle is what I am looking for long term or if this is a phase or mere fantasy. I am sure if I find out with out a doubt that it is real and not just a phase or fantasy, i will take it by the horns and charge in the direction I need to be to fulfill what is missing within. You see... I dont know how to tell if it is fantasy or real inside me without experienceing in in RT, feeling it out.

What's more important? A fat bank account or the freedom to be yourself?
An adaquate bank account to allow me to live meagerly if need be but to have availability to do as I must to enhance and relationship I have. No chain can hold me if it is my time to move on I will do just that.

What's more important? Keeping your existing business? Or starting fresh perhaps in a new place with a new outlook and the freedom to take your business in whatever direction you wish?
making a living to support myself foremost is most important, even if meager.

What's more important? What your neighbors see? Or your peace of mind?
I have never been a follower so neighbors already know I am a little weird, I dont hide what I am about but I do keep my true self veiled as its noones business but me and who is in my household. Peace of mind is important of coarse. My D/s relationship if I had one would be pretty private so publicly most would not know.

What's more important? The habits and routine that bind you to your current life? Or being able to live the life your heart is calling for?
being able to live the life my heart calls out for is THE most important thing. I must tread on water though as the need to search myself at its deepest pits to know truth from fantasy so I dont make a decision that will walk hand in hand with the trueness within. I am not i the lifestyle in RT nor have I ever really studied what it means to be in the lifestyle so it is hard for me to know. Thats why I came here to read the threads to better understand if the lifestyle as a whole is what i need in RT or if it is fantasy only or phase for me.

What's more important? NOW? Or where you want to be 10 years from now?
Whats important now is that I not be hasty, that i search as far as I can to know the trueness within myself. I need to make a decision upon what is truest within and the truth is I am still trying to find out if this is a real lifestyle feeling I have or fantasy. Thats why i tried to explain a lil bit about my feelings and me in hopes folks could help me since you all know better than i if these are feelings fitting to the lifestyle.

Again, you all have been wonderful and are appreciated.

 

[FurryFury]

FurryFury-The photos are no more compomising than that of an play girl pin up. He and I have never taking anything that would compromise my business other than the fact that I "may" be a lil sassier than most other white picket fence women.

If we parted I would hear him out on his thoughts naturaly as i would expect him to listen to my thoughts. If no agreement came i would get council from my lawyer and attemp to at most meet him half way with a compromise we can both live with. Although after he finds out just how much it costs to keep that business running I am sure he will tuck his tail between his legs and heave ownership to me and ask to just stay on as a technician. I think the business costs about 2k more a month. He spends almost the same per month on our home/personal bills as I do for the business so legally I am sure the council will think a split 50/50 would be in store.

It sounds like you know things are not as dire as he has threatened legally then. That's good.

Some people can be civil in a split. In my experience that's a very low percentage.

Other's will fight as maliciously as they can. Thus it's best, once you make up your mind, to get your legal ducks in a row. That way you aren't always playing catch up to the other party that you hoped would play nice.

I'm not saying you have to play dirty. I'm saying you need to protect your interests and have your legal and emotional shit right before you inform the other because it can get very ugly very quickly after that.

Again, it's all up to what you decide to do for you.

It just makes my blood boil when I hear about the sort of blackmail he is attempting to do.

Good luck,

Fury

 

[neonflux]

SometimesNever,

I am so glad that you've found this a safe space for "figuring it all out." My heart is with you, as I know how difficult change can be, especially when you still find desirable traits in someone with whom you've spent so many years. I a lived in a relationship far, far longer than I should have for reasons that are similar to those you've written about.

In retrospect, doing so shriveled my spirit to the size of a small seed. Thank the Goddess that seeds, when properly nurtured, can still germinate and grow - as I mentioned earlier, I was astounded by how my life opened up when about 2 years ago, I finally decided to be true to myself and leave.

You are clearly a woman with considerable self-awareness, great intelligence and goodresources, which I hope will stand you in good stead on this journey. I wish you luck, love and fulfillment, whichever path you eventually choose. I hope that you will keep us updated. I, for one, will be thinking of you.

~Neon

 

[SometimesNever]

Just an update...

Since my last post I have come to the conclusion that what is inside me is who I am and to deny who I am means death. I choose life...

As I stated in an earlier post I decided to sit down and talk to him about it. He was not getting it at all. he was all "so all I need to do is call you names, spank you, hurt you, degrade you and you will be happy?"

He so missed the point, for one I am domme through and through. For two, he couldn't get it into his thick skull that the experience I am looking for, as a whole, is more healthy than any relationship I have ever been, spiritualy, emotionly and physically. Thirdly, when I told him I was bi, he called me a liar.

With this and a few things he has tried to argue with me before, leads me to belive that I must go. If I was to seek out others in the lifestyle or continue on with white picket fence mentality...we just are not right for each other. he would be happier elsewhere and I would at least be happier alone...without him.

Problem being is that all my money is wrapped up in the business so I have no money to make a household with. I thought about waiting until I was financially ready but when would that be? So I am thinking about just taking the leap and live at the store or bounce from friend to store. In due time I will have money to rent an apartment, rent a home or maybe even have one built if business goes well enough and I wait long enough.

My problem with this, I feel, will induce barriers on my finding a person in my life in any reasonable time as, at the moment, I will have no true home to offer, no financial independance to travel to meet folks.

But ya know, it just may be the chance I decide to take for myself, for my husband.

So there is my little update.

Oh and to let you all know. I have spent quite a bit of time here on this board even though I havnt posted. I actually feel like I know quite a few of you already. I even managed to read the LDR thread from beginning to end

Hopefully I will start posting here once I have my stuff in order.

Again, for those who have kept me in their thoughts, I thank you. There is a wonderful group of people here and I plan on making a home here on these boards.

oh and for those wondering how my OL M/s relationship is going, it seems to be going well. I am just fighting with the inability to really show her what I am about in person. I hope it leads to at least a RT scene and if that goes well a relationship, possibly even a 24/7 if I have my crap together. If not, welp...I keep looking. Being that its not in person, it is very hard for me to guage exactly what she is thinking and feeling even though she seems quite extatic about what we have now and where it could be going.

 

[CutieMouse]

As one who is on starting over version... ummm... 3.0... yes this most receint hiccup in the whole finding happiness thing was 3.0... anyway- breathe. Take baby steps. Accept things might not go exactly as planed, but be proud of yourself for living your truth, anyway... and remember you are welcome at Lit as often as you care to visit.

Good luck.

 

[SometimesNever]

Thank you CutieMouse, I think I shall visit often. Yes, baby steps. I know these all to well and I respect how far one can go using baby steps. So, i shall take them once more myself...

Oh...I noticed you changed your avatar

 

[CutieMouse]

Oh...I noticed you changed your avatar

... yep. I sometimes go through stages where being "seen" makes me rather uncomfortable, which is about the time I usually switch to a more neutral Av.

(BTW- it's a piece of artwork I have hanging over my desk, that reminds me of when I was a little girl, so it's still *technically* me, even though it's not me. Sneaky, eh? )

 

[SometimesNever]

Sneaky, hehhe, naw. I can think of much sneakier things for sure. I actually like your reasoning behind using it. I liked the other one as well, especially the way you were sitting in overalls, hair up, if I remember correctly.

 

[neonflux]

Hi Sometimes Never!

Thank you for coming back and giving your update.

Congratulations for deciding to be true to yourself! Be gentle with yourself during the transition. You will have a lot of support here.

Neon

 

[Evil_Geoff]

Great journeys are never easy. But they are full of rewards and discoveries and treasures you would never find taking the easier, softer way.

Thank you for the update and best of luck in your ongoing journey, and please don't hesitate to holler if you have questions, need help or want an ear to bend.

 

[Arianna22]

Hi,

I know I havent posted on here (this thread) before, but I've just read the thread. I just wanted to say that you sound so much happier in the recent post than your first, and thats so good. *smile* Its nice to know that things will work out and that you have made a decision that makes you happy. I hope things continue to work well.

 

[SometimesNever]

CutieMouse, neon, EG, and Arianna22...thanks so much and yes all of a sudden I am starting to feel the chains around me break, one by one the more settled I become in my decision.