Comedy and sensuality - does it work?

[AverageBear]

My newest story, "He Said, She Said" was posted today (Jan. 3) in the Erotic Couplings category. I've deliberately included several snippets of comic relief, some of them during the buildup and some woven through the ultimate sex scene. I've been benefiting greatly from reading through and participating in the threads on this forum in recent weeks, and would appreciate the genuine feedback that my fellow writers may have to offer on whether this technique works for my story (the link to which is posted below) and any comments on the use of comedy within a sensual work generally.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=400131

Thanks!

AverageBear from Canada

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

AverageBear, you're an above average writer. Congratulations on a well-done story.

As for quibbles: IMHO, the opening interview added little to the story. The old saw about beginning with your best sentence, best paragraph, etc. is especially true when it comes to short fiction.

Again, IMHO, there were times you used one or two words too many. "thirtyish YOUNG woman" Could she be a "thirtyish OLD woman?"

The same probably applies to "Diminutive in stature." Since it's used in a description of her, "in stature" could be deleted. Also, "Diminutive" is a classic "tell" word. Why not take a few extra words to "show" that to readers?

Also, careful with dialogue tags, for instance: "Miss Edwards?" inquired Gerard, extending his hand in greeting. "

The use of the question mark makes "inquired" redundant. Here's one possible variation: "Miss Edwards?" Gerard, extended his hand. "

note: IMHO, "in greeting" is another example of a few words too many. Odds are most readers will correctly interpret the gesture. But that's your call.

As I said, these are quibbles about a well-done piece of fiction. Best of luck with your writing.

Rumple Foreskin

 

[AverageBear]

Thanks for your insights and affirmation, Rumple. Any thoughts on the comedic aspects, and whether they work in the erotic genre?

AverageBear

 

[psyche_b_mused]

It's only my opinion...but i really enjoy a mix of comedy and erotica. At least in my experience, people who like each other joke around. Even sex isn't 100% serious 100% of the time...that's what makes it fun.

psyche b

 

[AverageBear]

Thanks, Psyche. I agree and had hoped that others would enjoy the comic/erotic blend. The voters are telling me they like it, too...

 

[GeorgieH]

Yes it does...

When it's done so beautifully.

I've left a heartfelt comment but thought I'd heap a little more praise on you here as well - as long as it doesn't get you too big-headed (or maybe... ahem, sorry, where was I?). Oh yes - humour and sex are made for each other and for me at least, it makes the experience all the more intimate.

Angela and Jim are a delight and their conversations capture the mood perfectly. So much dialogue in the stories here is stilted or just plain unbelievable, but there's a lovely natural quality to yours.

I'm already looking forward to the next episode. And checking the 'situations vacant' columns...

Great work!

Georgie
xxx

 

[AverageBear]

Thanks SO much, Georgie. I'm truly overwhelmed by your posts.

And as to Andy, it's obvious there's a spam filter missing somewhere - does anyone know how to notify Lit about the commercial posting?

 

[JackLuis]

Nice Story Bear.

Not much motivation for a wife to be unfaithful, or a husband either for that matter. But if they remained faithful where woud the story go?

I liked the tapioca.

 

[snar]

Hi. I haven't read your story yet, but to answer your question, I think a little comedy if done well, is just fine. I enjoy it actually.

 

[Lien_Geller]

Yes it does!

Hey there! I'm quite a new writer around here but here's my 2 cents if you're interested:

Likes:

- Likable characters. A sense of humour gives a character a greater depth of personality and sex is always nicer when you actually want the characters to hook up because you like 'em.

- Dialogue that sounds like it's actually being spoken rather than written.

- Good sense of humour. After all comedy and sensuality does work but only when the comedy is actually funny!

Room for improvement:

- Although I liked the humour and you're very good at describing sex scenes you need to work on the ratio of humour to sex throughout your story. When describing sex then it's good to use humour to start it out, for example I liked the inventive use of tapioca pudding in your story. Toward the end however you might want to concentrate more on the erotic than the funny. Using humour to tease is fun and sexy but joking around when the characters are having intense sex is a little jarring. So when you're trying to build up that intensity then ease off on the quips and try to write just as much of it as you did the build up of humorous teasing so that we see the payoff for the characters.

- As I said the dialogue is well written but in some places it could benefit from further description. What the characters are saying sounds good but how are they saying it? For example when the main character talks about unwrapping the woman and she retorts that she will if she gets to see his package. I'm sure this is meant to come across as playful banter with the two of them jibing at one another. Without actually saying that their tones of voice are playful however it can come across as straight up and then it reads more like dialogue from a bad porn movie. I'm not saying describe every line of speech but let us know how the characters are talking as well as what they're saying.

Overall I really enjoyed the story and the gripes i've given aren't major ones and they're certainly not deal breakers or anything. Still, this is my first attempt at constructive criticism so I hope you can use it in some way. I'd also be interested to hear your thoughts on the implementation of humour in my story:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=395936

Let me know what you think if you have the time and inclination!

Oh and keep writing!

Lien Geller

 

[gauchecritic]

Frolicsome and occasionally twee, I wouldn't have used the word humour or comedy.

The main thing is, that it doesn't detract from the sex although I was a little jarred by food play during a first encounter. ('mammary pudding' should be excised from the script entirely)

The humour, such as it was, was almost entirely fitting but would have been secured by a little more flirtatious humour previously rather than fitting it in to the end 'entrapment'.