come lazy morn: feedback appreciated

[daughter]

come lazy morn

Would love to hear your feedback.

Peace,

daughter

 

[smithpeter]

I am mystified.

d, to the point, if poetry is code understood sometimes only by the poet, almost every word here makes sense to me, steeped in double meanings and intent.
It is like a crossword puzzle in the Sunday paper that has alternate answers across and down. But, when I get to "ruth" I loose my footing.
However, if you live in a multi-family dwelling, your neighbor:

ruth,
heimers on the wal
during the seduction
of her lover
on the counter

sp

 

[daughter]

Am I and my lover the only

NPR listeners? LOL Ms. Walheimer is a long-time, respected news anchor on National Public Radio. Everything referenced reniforces notions of a lazy Sunday morning.

Thanks, smithpeter.

Peace,

daughter

p.s. and your notion is a hoot.

 

[KillerMuffin]

Perculates threw me off for two reasons. One, there's no such word. I had to decide, percolate [to cause (a solvent) to pass through a permeable substance (as a powdered drug) especially for extracting a soluble constituent b : to prepare (coffee) in a percolator] or peculate [embezzle]. I think percolate was the one you were after.

However, the second reason it threw me off was more important. It's an active verb, not a passive one. It's also a very active activity. Uncurl is an action verb, but it's a very slow, lazy one. Draped and listen are both passive, where the action isn't really something one does. Percolate is very active, comparatively. Percolate isn't lazy either.

I didn't get the ruth walheimer? reference either. I was wondering if that was a brand of coffee or if it was like your mother or something.

 

[WriterDom]

you uncurl easy like an early sunday yawn

I perfer,

you uncurl like an early sunday yawn.

easy seems implied to me.

and it sticks in my mouth like peanut butter when I read it.

I do like the poem.

 

[TIBET]

oops

oops

 

[daughter]

corrections

Thanks folks.

Some of the errors, I caught and have changed elsewhere. I'll have to submit an edit.

KM, the NPR shows does wake things up so maybe active isn't so bad.

WD, I did remove 'easy'. I need to submit an edit.

Thanks to smithpeter, I will correct the anchors name. Tells you how drowsy I am when she first comes on. I'll also try to make it clearer who Linda Wertheimer is. She's an achor for National Public Radio. Her program is called "All Things Consider".

Your feedback is appreciated.

Peace,

daughter

 

[KillerMuffin]

I've heard "All Things Considered." Didn't know who did it, though. That does make more sense.

 

[smithpeter]

getting off subject

I laugh
I cry
It stops the strife,
It saves the tubes
In my TV's life
NPR

 

[Ded Poet]

Hi d,

I think this piece needs more--more emotion, some sense of what this moment means to the speaker. Also, I think the question of audience comes into play here. How much commonality can you reasonably assume from your readers? I am an avid NPR listener and the original name drew a blank with me--I thought it was a brand of coffee maker. (I do know who Linda Wertheimer is, but perhaps most readers would not). A similar problem exists with your piece, 'Snow Angel' I think--while I 'got' it about halfway through the first read,a lot of context is assumed, and this can leave many readers wondering what it's all about ( I'm grappling with similar problems myself, so I sympathize).

I wonder if this piece ('Come Lazy Morn') needs to be so compressed. What about letting it lazily unfold like its subject, slowly giving us a few personal details that allow us to get 'inside' the poem?

Okay, I realize this is pretty vague, but I hope it helps.

I definitely feel like this has a lot of potential.

Thanks for the read.

DP

 

[daughter]

audience too small

Ded--

I hear what you're saying. Broadening the poem would widen the audience, but I wasn't going for mass identification. Moreover, my intent is not to examine a day, but a moment. Right now, I said all I wanted to. Know what I mean? She said what was on her mind. More isn't for the speaker's telling but for the readers' entertainment.

Having said that, I do value and respect your opinion. Today, she'll remain a yawn. Tomorrow, she might be chatty cathy.

The biggest problem with "Angel" is context. It does require the reader to have a better intro. If this poem was in a series about urban life, a reader would have likely understood the circumstances readily. Both are early drafts and do save insightful comments. I don't rush to do revisions most times. Do know that you didn't waste your keystrokes. I cut and paste comments with early drafts. When I think it's time, I revise considering the feedback I'm given.

Peace,

daughter

 

[JUDO]

NPR

Program Director, Ruth Seymour and "All Things Considered." Really liked the poem, D.