Colonoscopy

[nice90sguy]

Ok, I admit it, I completely misuse colons and semicolons: I've read the howtos; I've tried my best to use commas and periods instead; but those damn colons keep coming back.

A couple of examples from my WIP:

How should these be fixed (in terms of punctuation -- I'm not looking for stylistic suggestions)?

Waldo choked and coughed, then opened his eyes. Libby scrutinized his face; perhaps she'd overdone it, she thought: He'd woken that morning in a state of high anxiety, almost panic, so she'd prescribed him a megadose of sex, which she'd also personally administered.

She'd used the array of tricks her hyper-intelligent brain had learned: she'd played him like a virtuoso; she'd fucked, and she'd sucked, and she'd blown his house down; she'd fed him her sweet, slimy nectar; she'd brought him to orgasm, four times, in just under an hour -- a personal record both for him and for her. By the end she'd utterly drained him, of semen and cortisol, which had finally calmed him; but it had stimulated his dopaminergic system to such an extent that his prefrontal cortex had pretty much ceased to function.

In other words, she'd fucked him stupid.

 

[AwkwardlySet]

Well, you were precise with what you were asking for so I can't help you much, as I tend to avoid punctuation like this. I would rewrite the first one for example, to show her inner dialogue more distinctly, so it would really look like dialogue... but yeah you don't need that

 

[ElectricBlue]

As a user of semicolons and long sentences myself, I see no grammatical problem with either example. Sure, one could convert both passages to a string of short sentences, but then they'd have a completely different pace.

You know how to use them correctly, so why fret? Although that last long sentence probably belongs in a medical treatise - but that's another issue altogether.

 

[NotWise]

Waldo choked and coughed, then opened his eyes. Libby scrutinized his face; perhaps she'd overdone it, she thought: He'd woken that morning in a state of high anxiety, almost panic, so she'd prescribed him a megadose of sex, which she'd also personally administered.

You over-use commas, too. The second sentence is worded like "perhaps she'd overdone it" is internal dialog, but it isn't punctuated that way. The colon is misused. It should be a period. I think the last sentence is messy, but I'm not sure it's wrong. Among other things, you don't *need* to switch the tense.

She'd used the array of tricks her hyper-intelligent brain had learned: she'd played him like a virtuoso; she'd fucked, and she'd sucked, and she'd blown his house down; she'd fed him her sweet, slimy nectar; she'd brought him to orgasm, four times, in just under an hour -- a personal record both for him and for her. By the end she'd utterly drained him, of semen and cortisol, which had finally calmed him; but it had stimulated his dopaminergic system to such an extent that his prefrontal cortex had pretty much ceased to function.

Again, more commas than called for. That first sentence is actually an acceptable use of both a colon and semicolons. The part of the sentence before the colon introduces a list, and the part of the sentence following the colon is a series of list items separated by semicolons.

The second sentence also over-uses commas. The semi colon would be correct it you removed the "but" that follows it. You can join independent clauses with semicolons or a comma and coordinating conjunction, but you shouldn't use both.

Whether or not you want those kind of complex sentences is up to you. Personally, I find them hard to follow, and I've been editing for a semicolon-happy technical writer for decades.

 

[yowser]

Semicolon usage is fine and accurate, albeit leaving you open to grammar pomposity accusations.

But all colons would be better replaced with periods.

 

[lovecraft68]

Phew, I thought this was going to be about some weird fetish

 

[SyleusSnow]

The professional writer podcasts I listen to all assure me the semicolon is being replaced in modern writing by the em dash.

True or not, I'm currently giggling my way through The Oatmeal and encountered this handy illustrated guide: How to use a semicolon

 

[BarracudaSwordfish]

I have thought about writing a story based on a colonoscopy I had a few years ago. I was hoping this would give me some advice!

 

[KeithD]

Advice? Use as few colons as you are able to.

 

[JGittes]

The professional writer podcasts I listen to all assure me the semicolon is being replaced in modern writing by the em dash.

True or not, I'm currently giggling my way through The Oatmeal and encountered this handy illustrated guide: How to use a semicolon

Keep in mind that it's 7:45 am in the UK, and I'm drinking my way through last night's dinner party leftover wine.

The Oatmeal guide is very good. I use semis to indicate a strong, or causal, relationship between two independent things (clauses, kernels, ideas, whatever) that could be written as two sentences but would then possibly drift apart.

Paragraphs don't seem to do the work they used to in tying thoughts together.

 

[nice90sguy]

I was slightly drunk when I posted the thread title (ok, shit-faced) and thought it was funny at the time, but I also thought treading on my cat's paws when I got in from the bar was funny at the time.

The overall view is that I sort of get colons and semicolons right, but the sentences don't flow nicely. I need to stop overthinking, and overwriting.

That "How to use a semicolon" was good.

In a 1950's "Schoolboy's Annual" I had as a kid (in the UK), there was a riddle, which was to work out what the lines below mean:

if the B MT put :
if the B . putting :

-- I really doubt anyone here would get them, then, or now. I certainly didn't.

 

[Kumquatqueen]

If the B MT put :
if the B . putting :

Haven't seen that joke in years!

I suppose few people have coal fires any more. Though apparently the reason air quality has been so bad.in London recently is that people are having fires rather than using expensive gas or electric heating, and of course they're not buying legit smokeless fuel (coal or treated wood) that's legal to burn in the city, but any old broken pallet or waste wood they can find. So for the first time since the rise of motor vehicles, there's more pollution from fires than from cars.

Semicolon usage is fine and accurate, albeit leaving you open to grammar pomposity accusations.

But all colons would be better replaced with periods.

Yes, I know I use semicolons quite generously, partly thanks to writing for a decade in a fandom where the original material is very literary and dense with them. I cut a lot of them, but there's usually a couple left per story.

Sometimes a colon is the best option, like for a defined list: ()

"There were three causes of my woes: Alice, Bob and Charlie." A full stop wouldn't convey the same level of connection.

 

[nice90sguy]

I used to write ultra terse. Like this. With a period. Every two or three words. Like a '50's crime writer.

I think my longer sentences are a reaction to that. I need to find the balance

 

[yowser]

Yes, I know I use semicolons quite generously, partly thanks to writing for a decade in a fandom where the original material is very literary and dense with them. I cut a lot of them, but there's usually a couple left per story.

Sometimes a colon is the best option, like for a defined list: ()

"There were three causes of my woes: Alice, Bob and Charlie." A full stop wouldn't convey the same level of connection.

Thanks for this. To clarify, I was speaking directly to the OP's sample, I agree with your usage.

 

[SimonDoom]

There's a place for colons and semicolons in fiction, but I think, grammar concerns aside, the story reads better if they're used sparingly. Just use periods.

This is how I'd re-write the first passage:

Waldo choked and coughed, then opened his eyes. Libby scrutinized his face. Perhaps she'd overdone it. He'd woken that morning in a state of high anxiety, almost panic, so she'd prescribed him a megadose of sex, which she'd also personally administered.

I would also get rid of the thought tag "she thought." You don't need it. It's clear from the passage that you are narrating her thoughts.

How I'd redo the second passage:


She'd used the array of tricks her hyper-intelligent brain had learned. She'd played him like a virtuoso. She'd fucked, and she'd sucked, and she'd blown his house down. She'd fed him her sweet, slimy nectar. She'd brought him to orgasm, four times, in just under an hour -- a personal record both for him and for her. By the end she'd utterly drained him, of semen and cortisol, which had finally calmed him, but it had stimulated his dopaminergic system to such an extent that his prefrontal cortex had pretty much ceased to function.

I wouldn't use any colons or semicolons in either passage. I think they read better without.