coach me on this one... got to be a ladies man

[bigbritish]

maybe you can help me unravel this one.........

so my issue isn't really w/confidence but motivation. i feel a bit silly saying that, but it's true.

i'm a 25m transitioning out of undergrad that gets play time, but not the extent or variety that my inner man is burning.

i went through college with a variety of hookups that either led to sex where i felt completely awkward for it being a 1 night stand or i can't even count the number of girls that have been all the other stuff in between.

ok -- so the sex part: i think i spend so much nrg trying to compete with other guys that i'm all spent by the time i actually get her back. is this typical or am i just particularly averse to working hard like that for a bang?

ok -- the not sex part: a lot of times it'll result in a number or whatever, but the context sucks and i usually have no interest in her personality because how can any substance develop in those situations anyway? the followups i've done here usually are laughable because there's such a disconnect from night 1 to day/night 2. am i aspiring for something too deep here? do i need to make you/women work harder? should i not try to get physical at all meeting 1? it's so easy and lovely...

ok -- the in between: so bottom line is i focus on upping my quality of life in the hopes that some day i'll ease up and then find myself in a wonderful sex life that counts. obviously with the right social group the sex pool is not the local bar full of a mixed bag, but i'm a bit of a standalone since i think i can do it better. am i an alpha trapped in the behavior of a beta?

ok -- realistically: i meet plenty of girls with better context in my day-to-day. right now it's school, but i'm done in 2 months. school is iffy b/c i'm 3 years older than most of the other students (dropped out). it ends up making me insecure alongside the legitimate differences age brings. should i be more ok with differences in others; be it age, income, smarts, preferences, hobbies, energy, etc.?

am i not seizing opportunities here? should i be more forward? am i paying attention to social norms a bit much? should i be looking for a girlfriend or bang buddies? i think i'm looking for bang buddies, but i don't know what that looks like or how that is pursued/develops. where can i let women do more of the work to allow them a chance to show they're interested? from what i understand, sometimes friendliness with the opposite gender doesn't mean they want to lick your sweaty balls right away. with patience and a good eye though, i think anything is possible.

thanks in advance!

yours,

 

[BertrandRussell]

You are over-thinking this. And that is a vicous circle.

Do the Zen thing: stop focusing on the problem and it will disappear. And then you will realize that there never was a problem - it was just an illusion generated in you own mind, and you bought into the illusion and thereby sustained it.

You are three years older than the women in question. That is a tremendous asset for you - if you will let it be one. During adolescence, young women are socially more mature than young men, who lag by about two to three years. Many women that age say that the men their age are immature. They want to meet people like you, if you will just be you.

Don't worry about the age difference, for they will pick up on the insecurity, and there goes the maturity advantage that you have.

Don't worry about sex. It will come your way. They are tired of superficial youmg men who only have an interest in sex. If you show a real interest in them as people, soon they will be tripping you to get you into bed.

 

[bigbritish]

I got Bertrand to respond? Holy moly.

Your photo looks like your dripped acid too many times bro.

For sure though, advice all super appreciated!

I'm loving life generally, and it's great to be alive. Sometimes I think they're gonna drop a bomb or whatever, but it's all good. If I burn alive, whatever lol.

As for sex, yea, -- sex is good. Women are good. Life is generally good.

Had a few glasses of wine. I have been sick, but I'd otherwise go out. My guy friends are kind of iffy, or just are busy. My "bros". I kind of did away with that or never had that.



Love Ya'll.

 

[pplwatching]

I don't know, if I'm reading this right it sounds like you're starting to mature. It's a little hard to tell from your post, though.

In my opinion and experience, the best sex comes from a deeply committed and connected relationship. The rest of my answer is based on that idea. If you don't agree, you can safely ignore the rest of this reply. I'm also going out on a limb and assuming that when you say that you want "a sex life that counts" you mean a sex life that is part of a deeper relationship than one nighters and hook ups(?) Maybe that's what you're looking for, but don't even realize it?

ok -- so the sex part: i think i spend so much nrg trying to compete with other guys that i'm all spent by the time i actually get her back.

I'm not sure what "get her back" means? She's moving on to other men and you're chasing her? If a woman wants to walk out the door, hold it open for her and let it hit her in the ass on the way out.

Then again, maybe the common denominator is you. Finding a woman who wants to stay with you means putting in some effort too. A woman who wants you instead of the next casual thing is worth finding and keeping, but you have to do your part.

ok -- the not sex part: a lot of times it'll result in a number or whatever, but the context sucks and i usually have no interest in her personality because how can any substance develop in those situations anyway?

To quote a famous movie "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means" Do you mean "content" rather than "context"? You want a woman and relationship of substance?

Maybe it would be a good idea to get the cart back behind the horse. Put sex on the back burner for a while. If you go looking for meaningless sex, that's what you get. If you go looking for a relationship, and do your part to nurture one, then you stand a better chance of finding one. Focus on finding a woman that you really click with, who you really like, and who you want to spend time with outside of bed and then enjoy the fireworks. Ask your potential dates questions about what they're looking for in a date, a man, and in life. Pay attention to what they say. And be honest about what you want in return.

ok -- the in between: so bottom line is i focus on upping my quality of life in the hopes that some day i'll ease up and then find myself in a wonderful sex life that counts. obviously with the right social group the sex pool is not the local bar full of a mixed bag, but i'm a bit of a standalone since i think i can do it better. am i an alpha trapped in the behavior of a beta?

I've never bought the Alpha / Beta nonsense. Decide what you want, then go get it. Look where you have the best chance of finding it. If you want drunken one night stands, then the bar is it. Of course there are quality women who go to bars because they don't know where else to look, but they're still trying to compete with bar flys. The bar flys are usually dressed hotter and acting sluttier, so a dick pointing to magnetic north is going to be pointing to them. The problem is that the good ones are wading in the cesspool and getting jaded. If you want a woman of substance, try looking somewhere else. Try volunteering, book clubs, or even flirting in the grocery store.

ok -- realistically: i meet plenty of girls with better context in my day-to-day. right now it's school, but i'm done in 2 months. school is iffy b/c i'm 3 years older than most of the other students (dropped out). it ends up making me insecure alongside the legitimate differences age brings. should i be more ok with differences in others; be it age, income, smarts, preferences, hobbies, energy, etc.?

I'm over 6 years older than my wife. She was in college when I was, but saw and liked my stability and my values (along with my devestating good looks and virility, naturally ). Focus on finding a woman who has the kind of values and personality that will lead to a good, stable, quality relationship and then sort out age, income, etc. Just because we date (and even marry) a woman doesn't mean we are the same person. Accept who she is and encourage her to persue her hobbies and her dreams. You aren't the center of the universe.

am i not seizing opportunities here? should i be more forward? am i paying attention to social norms a bit much? should i be looking for a girlfriend or bang buddies?

You're siezing the wrong opportunities. You seem to be doing exactly what the media and a hit-and-run culture have trained you to do. Try being more selective.

where can i let women do more of the work to allow them a chance to show they're interested?

There's no free lunch. Don't be lazy. Put in the work and pay attention! Give her something to be attracted to but figure out who she is. Talk to her. Ask her questions. You'll know if she's interested, and even if she is she still might not be a woman you click with. Pay attention.

from what i understand, sometimes friendliness with the opposite gender doesn't mean they want to lick your sweaty balls right away. with patience and a good eye though, i think anything is possible.

This just sounds really shallow, but given the world around us today it doesn't surprise me all that much. It sounds like you lack social skills and an honest respect for women. Try building a relationship first. I'll go back to my original thought that the best sex and the most fulfilling relationships are those that are deeper than being all about sex. It may not be a popular view, but it has been my experience.

Good luck

 

[bigbritish]

Gonna try to reply as i read...

so by "taking back", i mean to my apartment, in the past 1-night-stands have been awkward for me. yes i listen too much to stereotypes and have in the past dressed myself in them which has been uncomfortable. i'm older now and so i know more that i can be a good lad and am feeling better and safer about being the wild man i am.

important note: have been in love, had my heart broken, the equivalent of feeling married i suspect. it sucked royally.

re: talking to women in grocery stores, dude totally! that's exactly what i was fishing for in the post i think. bus stops seem great to, but does this actually happen? i see sooo many pretty women at these places. i think i need to simply gear my attitudes that it's perfectly fair game to meet someone at such a random place. note: i actually have gotten a date waiting for a bus. i also think i'm getting better @doing the whole activity thing and not looking like a creep when i flirt/hit on a lady in the group. guys who do yoga? what are they telling themselves to make that ok!?

re: respect for women, right on. my respect for much of anything is a bit low. that or i just tend to say some outlandish things now and again. that might be part of my personality. i think being out of a relationship is turning me into an asshole... that and life is boring if you don't get your balls licked every once in a while

 

[bigbritish]

wait maybe the post should read: how do i fall in love safely again or "how do i get substance without falling in love or provide myself enough distance to back off if i need to". er, i feel that's appropriate after reading your response pplwatching. i think narrowing my tolerance is solid advice.

i got hurt so bad last time i frankly can't do it again. i told myself that after that one, i would consign myself to dating models and having children with many women and treating it all more like a financial transaction.

i don't even think i can do the above until i let myself sincerely enjoy another woman. i've made progress and i get closer and closer, but i need help.

 

[Bramblethorn]

how do i fall in love safely again

No such thing. Anything worth having comes with risk.

I can relate to where you're coming from: A while back I got into a relationship with a gorgeous and fascinating woman; it lasted several years and then it fell apart horribly. I'm not going to get into the messy details; let's just say that it hurt like hell, I was messed up about it for a long time afterwards, and four years after we broke up I still feel the bruises occasionally.

I was extremely hesitant about getting into another relationship after that - and it certainly wouldn't have been a good idea while I was still grieving for the old one. I wanted some sort of guarantee that I wasn't going to get hurt that badly again.

But in the end, you can never get that guarantee, and you shouldn't spend your life waiting for it. When I was ready, I moved on, and I don't have any regrets - life is still uncertain, but usually the risks are worth taking.

 

[Eilan]

am i an alpha trapped in the behavior of a beta?

If you have to even ask this question, you're beta. Sorry, brah.

 

[bigbritish]

If you have to even ask this question, you're beta. Sorry, brah.

Not giving a flip what others think is not a sustainable way to live. Even an alpha has to train themselves to be well-behaved. I left my motorcycle dream at 17.

And furthermore, being an alpha has its downs. If the ship goes down, you go first with it.

Um, I am too an alpha! And my tongue is well-trained.

I swear my woman put on every nesting hormone in the book, nearly wrecked my career! Then she said so many times, "you'll never stay with me."

Yuck. I don't want to be an alpha no more, let some other jerk do all the work. I wanna twiddle my thumbs and have some chicken made for me so I can watch the game.

EDIT: I'm fine to give back rubs in return