Clues of an Affair

[Guest]

This is for both men and women.....I need to know if there are certain particular clues a married man can detect in his wife's behavior to suspect whether she is having an affair.
We are both in our late 40's and our sex life is not what it used to be...I still love it, she can take it or leave it.
She often travels out of town and I can hardly catch her at her hotel before 10 or 11 at night, claiming she is out with her women friends. Okay, but this may turn off a lot of you, but I have found that when she gets home, her used panties have ample evidence of being completely soaked at one time.
When she is at home, she often goes "shopping" without her wedding ring...she says its too tight? And she's gone forever!!
She also said some guy at work tried to hit on her but she turned him down.
As I said, when it comes to sex, I almost have to beg for it....an oral sex from her? Forget it!
She claims to have fantasies and wet dreams involving other men.
Well, what do you think?

 

[Pearl]

Hi Sonny,

I hate to say this but it doesn't sound good for the home team. Unfortunately, women have this mystical way about them that allows them to lie through their teeth with the most sincere "I'm innocent" look you have ever seen. The men that I have seen in a lie like this (the X from hell, haha) have a tendency to stutter & go on & on about what they are NOT doing. Short of going with her on these business trips out of town, you are not going to be able to catch her at anything. You said her panties show evidence of being soaked several times? Maybe she is having a fling with one of her lady friends? Not totally out of the question. You can feel her out about her activities, maybe hinting that the thought of her with another woman is a turn on for you as well (even if it's not, she might come clean with the goods). Maybe buy a lesbian mag & put it in your sock drawer, mark specific pages with the annoying little cards that fall out & see if anything has been moved or changed. If she bitches about finding it, let her. God knows, women won't drop dead from a "bitch attack". You men would have been all alone a long, long time ago.

As far as shopping alone for hours with out the wedding ring because it is too tight( lie...lie...lie), my suggestion would be to tell her you have some things to pick up yourself & would love to take her to lunch. Don't act too over eager on this one, we women can smell a trap like that a mile away. Tell her that you think it's time to get her ring resized (about $10-$20 so very affordable) & offer to go with her to maybe pick out a little gift. Watch her body language WITH YOUR EYES OPEN (I'll repeat this, haha WITH YOUR EYES O-P-E-N!)& see how she reacts. Take it for what it is, & don't try to lie to yourself & pretend you are seeing things. Been there & done that, my friend, but I have learned from my mistakes. Consider it a hard lesson learned & move on. Good Luck. Pearl

PS Want the #1 rule to understanding women? Women never change their motives, just their methods.

 

[Guest]

Hi Pearl

Thanks for the response...sound like a woman with great wisdom. Still don't think she's into other women, but who knows? I've got to believe it's a guy. Anyway, any more helpful hints/clues to look for would be sincerely appreciated. Only a woman knows, right?
E-mail sometime?

Originally posted by Pearl:
Hi Sonny,

I hate to say this but it doesn't sound good for the home team. Unfortunately, women have this mystical way about them that allows them to lie through their teeth with the most sincere "I'm innocent" look you have ever seen. The men that I have seen in a lie like this (the X from hell, haha) have a tendency to stutter & go on & on about what they are NOT doing. Short of going with her on these business trips out of town, you are not going to be able to catch her at anything. You said her panties show evidence of being soaked several times? Maybe she is having a fling with one of her lady friends? Not totally out of the question. You can feel her out about her activities, maybe hinting that the thought of her with another woman is a turn on for you as well (even if it's not, she might come clean with the goods). Maybe buy a lesbian mag & put it in your sock drawer, mark specific pages with the annoying little cards that fall out & see if anything has been moved or changed. If she bitches about finding it, let her. God knows, women won't drop dead from a "bitch attack". You men would have been all alone a long, long time ago.

As far as shopping alone for hours with out the wedding ring because it is too tight( lie...lie...lie), my suggestion would be to tell her you have some things to pick up yourself & would love to take her to lunch. Don't act too over eager on this one, we women can smell a trap like that a mile away. Tell her that you think it's time to get her ring resized (about $10-$20 so very affordable) & offer to go with her to maybe pick out a little gift. Watch her body language WITH YOUR EYES OPEN (I'll repeat this, haha WITH YOUR EYES O-P-E-N!)& see how she reacts. Take it for what it is, & don't try to lie to yourself & pretend you are seeing things. Been there & done that, my friend, but I have learned from my mistakes. Consider it a hard lesson learned & move on. Good Luck. Pearl

PS Want the #1 rule to understanding women? Women never change their motives, just their methods.

 

[Gary1]

Man, can't believe I am responding to this thread ...

What is it with the jealousy thing. Jealousy is founded in ownership. Damn ... since when do people own other people. A wedding contract is just a contract... it is not an ownership paper... it is not a paper of bondage or slavery. Jesus H. Christ ... grow up and get a life... If she comes home and you love her ... what the hell else do you want from a marriage. She came home... she came home for something... obviously you are not giving her something ... or she wouldn't be looking in all the wrong places for love. And even if you are ... last I checked ... freedom is still a guarantee in the good ole US of A. If she is lookin somewhere else ... let her look. But, quit this destructive game of ownership and trying to catch her at cheatin. Grow up and get on with life. Worry about something that is worth worrying about. And get rid of the archaic ownership game.

 

[Pearl]

All valid points Gary, but gee.....call me foolish (foolish!!) but I thought a marriage potentially falling apart at ANY age was something to be worried about. Must just be me & Sonny. Guess we need to take "Jaded 101" to be up with the rest of the world.

 

[Megumi]

Just a thought....have you ever sat her down and straight out asked her? Chances are you guys have been married for a while now, and hopefully you and your wife are still talking. Maybe she's afraid to tell you because she's worried that you'll be mad or not accept her for the way that she is.

If I were in your shoes, I'd be more afraid that your wife couldn't share something like this with you than the actual cheating itself. My vote is just to be honest with her and yourself...hopefully she'll reciprocate and who knows, you just might suprise each other.

Ja ne!

 

[Rowan]

I'm a bit disturbed by your comments, Gary1. Okay, perhaps *more* than a bit.

Marriage is just a contract? Yes, it is, in the extent that it's on a paper filed at a courthouse, but it's also a vow, before God, that people make to be faithful to each other. Forgive me if I sound corny, but I take such a vow seriously.

If an "open" marriage is what the couple wants, then let them be honest about it with each other. Sneaking around and cheating is definitely wrong. Just because we live in such "modern" times is no excuse, in my humble opinion.

What can be more unfair than a marriage where one person takes the vow to mean something, and the other thinks it's just words to disregard anytime they feel like it?


[This message has been edited by Rowan (edited 04-17-2000).]

 

[Rowan]

Ah! I just noticed, Gary1, that you are in Utah. Mormon perhaps? Or leaning towards the idea of polygamy? Or I could be just reading too deeply into it.

At any rate, the ideas of marriage should be discussed before two people are married. If one partner expresses ideas that are similiar to yours, and the other has my ideas concerning what a marriage should be, then the two should not be married.

If a couple does this and comes to an agreement, and that agreement is broken, don't you think the slighted person has a reason for anger and hurt?

 

[Fallen Angel]

In some support of gary1 I have to say that jealousy is often the very thing that will cause someone to cheat. A person accused of cheating without cause will many times decide to go ahead and do it since they are already paying the price. You can suffocate a person or a relationship to death with fears and jealousy. That however does not seem to be what sonny32 has done.

Sonny32 you do have to make a decision on what you want from your wife.
If you are wanting to stay together, do you want her to be honest and tell you what she is doing, with you being willing to accept it and live with it or do you want her to lie and try and conceal it while you pretend it isn't happening?
If you are going to leave her or try and change her, if you find that she is sleeping around, then she has no reason to tell you something you don't want to hear. Getting it somewhere else with out your spouse knowing isn't really a cause but a symptom of a sick marriage.
Think about what it is you want from her and for the future before you talk with her. But that is what it will come down to is you have to talk.

If after talking it out (many times) you still can't put your mind at ease it might be best to find out with physically. You can discretely follow her on one of her trips to a frequent destination, or you can hire a PI to check on what she is doing. At this stage you aren't really trying to save the marriage but just gathering evidence for the divorce.

Best of luck and I hope that your fears are unfounded.

 

[Gary1]

Ok ... maybe I was a bit raggy that day. A bit harsh. I've been through a couple of marriages. Don't know if that makes me an expert ... In my opinion ... no. However, I do know what drove me away. #1 ... was ownership and the necessity of having to report in to the Commander in Chief every and all my moves. Having to answer the phone and checking in four and five times a day. Sorry ... not for me. If someone is insecure they probably shouldn't get married. Heaven forbid that the other person talks to a co-worker of the opposite sex. My my my one shouldn't go out with some friends to a movie or some other activity.

Sorry, but insecurity and ownership does not make a good marriage. Been married three times. This last one has lasted 17 years and still going strong on the principle that there be freedoms and security in know and trusting and being loyal. We come home to each other because we want to ... not because some piece of paper called a marriage contract says so. My wife was also married three times too.

As for infidelity ... back to the ownership game again. If someone has a fling with someone else ... geee ... does something break or wear out ... don't think so. Just a mind game. Anyhow ... just my opinion.

Rowan ... as for the Mormon issue. My great-grandparents came to this godforsaken barren land and eecked out an existence here. My Great Grandfather, at the request of his wife, married his wifes sister. She didn't have a husband or any prospects for one. The Mormon church condoned such things because it allowed for widows and old maids someone to care for them. He regretted his decision for the rest of his life. His children regretted it for their lives too. Really throws a different point of view towards marriage and ownership.

 

[PeaceChild]

Before you even THINK about confronting your wife, there are some things you should REALLY think about. You have to decide how you are going to react to WHATEVER her response is. Then, stick to your guns. If she is doing something you really can't live with, be up front and tell her where the issue stands. Through communication, you may find out that your marriage can be "saved. . ." or you may find out that it is over. Either way, these things are never easy.

 

[Whispersecret]

Okay, here are my 25 cents worth.

If there is trouble in a marriage, both parties are probably at fault in some way. Was your wife always so-so about sex with you? I suspect not. (I hope not.

) If she was once eager to make love, and now isn't, then you have to examine the reasons why.

Ask yourself, what you are doing, or NOT doing, that is making her feel non-amorous? You mention that she spends a lot of time away from you. Instead of focusing on the possibility that she's found something exciting out there, look at exactly why she doesn't want to be with you.

I'm not saying you're totally to blame here, but certainly her declining libido isn't all her fault. A person cannot control whether they want sex or not with a certain person.

I speak from experience. I've BEEN the "gradually frigid" wife, and for a long time I felt no desire for my husband at all. In fact, I felt repulsed. I think this was mainly because I felt like I was being taken for granted in a big way.

Anyway, like others have said, if she is cheating, it's only a symptom that the marriage has been bad for a while. I hope your relationship is worth working (and I mean WORKING) through this rough time. I wish you the best of luck.