Clueless

[latebloomer124]

This is kind of embarrassing, but here goes. I've been seeing my bf for almost a year now and he's the best lover I've ever had. When I was younger, I was able to achieve orgasm regularly by being on top. It was never a problem. When my husband died, I dated, but didn't have a steady relationship for many years. Now that I'm in one, I'm finding it much more difficult to climax than I did before. Until I met my guy, I was convinced it was my age (although, according to my doctor, I am still normal hormonally and not in menopause). Well, if I thought I was "broken," he did, indeed "fix" me. He has amazing hands and knows how to use them, but it takes me sooooooooooo long to get there, I feel guilty and self conscious. He loves it when he makes me come. If I don't I feel I've let him down. I want to get there faster and have consistant multiple orgasms, but don't have a clue how to do it. I read in these forums about women who have orgasms with no trouble at all and I feel like something's wrong with me. I have had a bit of success with masturbation, but even that eludes me and most of the time I stop, exhausted, after an hour!! I read the thread on the G spot and we tried it but did not have the dramatic results that some posted here. I'm hoping someone can give me a trick or two to help me in this process of self discovery.

 

[LadyJeanne]

Sweets, it's time to try some fun toys! Vibrators are terrific, with or without a partner. This site has great articles and information about toys of all kinds, and it gives tips and advice on types and what to look for.

http://www.mypleasure.com/education/sexed/sextoyslist.asp


*insert ubiquitous suggestion to practice Kegel exercises*

And fantasize! Fantasize while you masturbate, fantasize while you're having sex. That's a really important part for me - I often need a fantasy in my head to push me over the edge.

Edit to add: This is Literotica - read some dirty stories to get in the mood, or to give you ideas of what's erotic to you.

 

[Eilan]

process of self discovery.

I think you'd do well to pay attention to the last words of your post. Sexual self-discovery (or rediscovery?) is about the journey and not the destination, as trite as that might sound, and I think that most of the lovely ladies who post here would say that, for them, it's something that didn't happen overnight.

Please don't allow your self-esteem to be affected by how long it takes for you to cum or how intense your orgasm is. Trust me--I know that's easier said than done (boy, do I know), but if you start to dwell on the O too much, then it might become even more elusive. It's with good reason that you'll notice a lot of HT regulars saying that the biggest sex organ is our brain.

LadyJeanne gave you some good advice. It sounds like you have a wonderful partner to explore with as well. Good luck and have fun.

Oh, and welcome to Lit.

 

[TBKahuna123]

First off, don't feel like you're letting him down. Sometimes it happens, sometimes it doesn't, that's ok. The more you worry wabout it, the less it will happen because of the stress you are putting on yourself.

As for the g-spot thing, it takes time. You ahve to learn exactly where to hit. You also have to learn the sensations and how to let it happen. You ahve to get used to this new ty[e of stimulation. Also keep in mind that not all women have the same kind of results. My wife has intense orgasm, but can't have 30 or 40 like they talk about because it hurts her. She also never ejaculates. This isn't a failure, it's just how her body responds to that kind of stimulation.

Hun, you just need to relax and enjoy the ride. It sounds like you lost someone very dear to you and now you ahve finally found someone who fills that void and is making you feel wonderful. I think maybe you're over compensating after so many years of livign unfulfilled. Just revel in each other and in what he does for you. Keep experimenting and playing, but don't push yourself so hard. It sounds like you have someone womderful to enjoy your life with, so enjoy it.

 

[M's girl]

Amen to Eilan (as usual, girl... are you ever wrong? ) and Kahuna. Maybe this will help:

Open your mind... then open your mouth and the rest will follow.

In other words... allow yourself to think sweet and horny thoughts, then speak your mind if you can (or stimulate your man to talk sweet 'n dirty to you - helps too I can assure you) and you will be amazed by what thát results in!

But I know what you mean... and I think it's only natural you don't get to orgasm as quickly as when you were 16. You know more, you want more, you need more.... and that is fine! Really!

By the way..... is HE complaining? No? I thought so already...

 

[latebloomer124]

[By the way..... is HE complaining? No? I thought so already... ] [/QUOTE]


Well, the fact of the matter is that he has expressed concerns regarding our "compatibility" based on the fact that it took me a really long time to come the first few times we made love. He brought this up to me recently and it's been making me feel like something's wrong with me. I adore this man and want to please him in every way.

 

[TBKahuna123]

Well, the fact of the matter is that he has expressed concerns regarding our "compatibility" based on the fact that it took me a really long time to come the first few times we made love. He brought this up to me recently and it's been making me feel like something's wrong with me. I adore this man and want to please him in every way.

Sounds to me like he's worried about himself, not you. Have you asked him why he cares? Does it affect his pleasure or is he just worried that you aren't being pleased enough? If he's a great enough guy out of the bedroom for your to adore him, I'd venture he's worried abouthis performance not pleasing you. We all worry about this, even if we don't need to.

Older women(and I don't use that term negatively) do respond differently to sex than younger women. Older women seem to build slower and explode harder. I've seen this change in my wife over the years, and I think it has a lot to do with hormonal levels. You just need a little more warm up.

Seriously, talk to him and ask him why he cares. I think you can put both of your minds at ease wiht that one question.

 

[latebloomer124]

Seriously, talk to him and ask him why he cares. I think you can put both of your minds at ease wiht that one question.[/QUOTE]


He is a very sexual person and prides himself on his ability to please a woman. He mentioned to me that in his last long term relationship, the woman had warned him that it took her a long time to come, but when they made love for the first time, she came very quickly. He felt they were very compatible sexually. I told him that before him, I hadn't been able to have an orgasm at all during sex (not for many years), but he was able to give one to me the first time. It took patience, but he succeeded in doing something no man had done in years. I think that is an even bigger accomplishment!!

I still feel as though he is comparing me to her in bed and, although he has brought out my sexuality in a way that no man has before, I fear he thinks his superior skills are lost on me. I don't want him to lose interest and, more important, I want to experience my sexuality to the utmost degree. Better late than never, right?

I must add that my oral skills are very good and he has never complained about HIS pleasure!!

 

[Eilan]

Have you brought any of this up with him?

I don't want to sound like I'm pointing out the obvious here, but all women are different, so what works well for one might not do anything for another. Anyone who's had more than one partner should understand that.

 

[latebloomer124]

Well, of course he understands that, but I don't want him having any questions about our compatibility. I don't.

 

[BarnabySchmidt]

if you take a long time to orgasm, you should look at any medication you take and ask if that can be the cause. Antidepressants and the like have that effect.

Otherwise,
Play with toys.

 

[latebloomer124]

I'm not on any medication and toys, although they feel good, don't really do it for me. In fact, prolonged use is actually irritating.

 

[silverwhisper]

latebloomer, if you don't mind my asking, what kinds of toys have you used? is it possible you just haven't found one that works for you?

also, are you having difficulty staying in the moment when he's trying to get you to orgasm?

ed

 

[latebloomer124]

He has used the one that's supposedly the best (don't remember the name) but it has a tendency to pinch. As for staying in the moment, yes, I do. And I DO orgasm, but it takes a long time. I suppose that now I'm feeling some performance anxiety as well, which doesn't help matters. He's always successful and has even given me multiple orgasms, but I feel I'm not measuring up somehow.

 

[silverwhisper]

i presume the toy you're speaking of is the rabbit, a vibe w/ a clitoral stimulation attachment? the vibe whirls & stuff? if so, i should point out that there isn't any one skeleton key for every woman, IMX.

an inabililty to stay in the moment however is to me a bigger concern. do you feel like you should be doing something for him while he's doing something for you?

ed

 

[latebloomer124]

It's kind of hard for me to do anything for him while he's "working." He has me in a position where that would be very difficult, and I think he kind of likes to be in charge. Turning me on seems to arouse him enough! I have absolutely no complaints where he's concerned. I think I'm just suffering from performance anxiety and I'm worrying too much about the end result.

 

[silverwhisper]

no, i understand that he's an attentive lover and i think that's great--many women would be some shade of emerald to have a lover that devoted, i suspect. :>

i asked about your feelings while he's bringing you to orgasm b/c i can't help wondering if you aren't feeling somehow guilty. guilt ain't sexy. :>

ed

 

[LadyJeanne]

Well, the fact of the matter is that he has expressed concerns regarding our "compatibility" based on the fact that it took me a really long time to come the first few times we made love. He brought this up to me recently and it's been making me feel like something's wrong with me. I adore this man and want to please him in every way.

Yeesh, way to kill the joy in sex. If you can't come on demand, or come to his specifications and expectations, you're not compatible? So, what, he's going to leave you because you don't come in ten minutes? This is exactly the kind of passive-aggressive attitude that leads women to fake orgasms.

He's clearly not getting the concept of sex-ploration and the journey being far, far more important than the destination. Sure, orgasms are great, but it's the sexplay and intimacy and erotic details that makes sex with a partner out-of-this-world. Why would you need a guy in the first place if orgasms were the only thing that mattered? You can do that by yourself just fine, but that's hardly the point.

There's nothing wrong with you, and you shouldn't feel like there is. Every woman is unique, and her path to orgasm is just as unique. Don't let his disappointment that you don't come fast enough to feed his ego ruin your enjoyment.

There are men out there who will gladly stroke and lick and suck and nibble and fuck as long as you like. Maybe you're not compatible - like, maybe YOU should expect him to be more understanding.

 

[latebloomer124]

Guilty? Not at all! Believe me, he gets his orgasms, too...very good ones...all the time.

 

[M's girl]

Yeesh, way to kill the joy in sex. If you can't come on demand, or come to his specifications and expectations, you're not compatible? So, what, he's going to leave you because you don't come in ten minutes? This is exactly the kind of passive-aggressive attitude that leads women to fake orgasms.

He's clearly not getting the concept of sex-ploration and the journey being far, far more important than the destination. Sure, orgasms are great, but it's the sexplay and intimacy and erotic details that makes sex with a partner out-of-this-world. Why would you need a guy in the first place if orgasms were the only thing that mattered? You can do that by yourself just fine, but that's hardly the point.

There's nothing wrong with you, and you shouldn't feel like there is. Every woman is unique, and her path to orgasm is just as unique. Don't let his disappointment that you don't come fast enough to feed his ego ruin your enjoyment.

There are men out there who will gladly stroke and lick and suck and nibble and fuck as long as you like. Maybe you're not compatible - like, maybe YOU should expect him to be more understanding.

Wow! My thoughts exactly.

And you (latebloomer) respond by saying you are not feeling guilty. Damn right you are not and you should not be. But you still seem to make this all about him and forget about you. I feel like he stimulates that and the way you are thinking and talking.... before you know it you will be faking orgasms... trust me.... I've been there! There is nothing wrong with you! He sounds like a nice guy outside the bedroom; he has to bring that same attitude into the bedroom because otherwise HE is killing your mutual sexual pleasure, not you....

Rant over. Sorry....

 

[latebloomer124]

The "guilty" comment was for Silver. I wouldn't want to fake an orgasm. It's tantamount to lying and I think he would be able to tell. I've never done that and don't intend to start. I posted this thread looking for ways to improve my ability to achieve orgasm more quickly. I do orgasm, make no mistake about that...I'd just like to do it in under 20 minutes!!

Other than the obvious, does anyone have a secret trick or two up her sleeve?

 

[M's girl]

The "guilty" comment was for Silver. I wouldn't want to fake an orgasm. It's tantamount to lying and I think he would be able to tell. I've never done that and don't intend to start. I posted this thread looking for ways to improve my ability to achieve orgasm more quickly. I do orgasm, make no mistake about that...I'd just like to do it in under 20 minutes!!

Other than the obvious, does anyone have a secret trick or two up her sleeve?

Move to Stepford, they can adjust all women-flaws (ahum) with a snap of the fingers.

Seriously though..... this is YOU! There are no tricks. This is your body. And it's the journey (remember? those long 20 minutes?) that matters. Why would any of you want to shorten that time, if that's what it takes for you?

 

[Chicklet]

It sounds to me like you're putting way too much pressure on yourself and the thought of the climax you're trying to reach.

My advice to you would be to quit thinking about the orgasm, and just enjoy the sex. The anxiety isn't going to help, and the pressure you're putting on yourself is probably just hurting you more.

**

as for how I orgasm most easily during sex, it's if we're fucking doggy style, or me laying down facing the bed and him doing me from behind, with my hand steadily working my clit. it gets me off quickest and easiest, and it's pleasurable.

that's my only suggestion for you... i have problems with vibes too.

 

[latebloomer124]

Thanks Chicklet.

It really helps to hear what other women have to say. I don't really have many female friends and I don't talk about this stuff with the ones I do have.
My closest female friend has confessed that she never has a problem in this area, and I was too intimidated by that to enter into a discussion about me.

It's much easier to do this anonymously.

 

[TBKahuna123]

Latebloomer, after reading all these posts I have one more question. Have you told him that you feel you are being compared to his other partner, that you are getting performance anxiety? If not you need to tell him and get a reaction from him. That will tell you a lot about who he really is.

I have to admit, I was guilty of this when I was first with my wife. I was in a long term very unfulfilling relationship before my wife, so I was always comparing her to my ex because my wife was so much MORE sexual than her. It was always complimentary but it still bothered her. Finally one night she just blew up at me and told me I was upsetting her. Shit, I had no clue I was even doing it, I was just happy to actually be with someone who fulfilled me. Once she let me know htough, I was more careful about her feelings.

Other than the obvious, does anyone have a secret trick or two up her sleeve?

OK I'm gonna be blunt with my advice: stop trying to cum faster!!!

Look, I know how much you care about this guy, but if he's going to leave you because you don't cum fast enough, he's awfully shallow. What I'm trying to get at is that this is who you are, don't struggle to change something like this for the wrong reasons. Sure we all need to change to become fully compatible with our mates, but save that for the important stuff.

You said he gave you multiple orgasms when no other man had given you one in years. If he's not happy about that, HE'S being selfish. Shit that would make my ego swell so much my head wouldn't fit through the door!

I'm not trying to sound like I'm bashing your guy here, far from it. You mentioned that his last long term partner came quickly and that he's comparing you to her, this sounds like something awfully similar to what I went through with my wife. If God forbid I ever lost her and had to be with another woman, I'm sure I'd be doing the same thing, so it's possible he's not even aware of it. What I'm trying to say is that the problem here (if there is one) is with him, not you. You're not broken or incompatible with him, and you two need to get that straight, because it sounds like you're driving yourself nuts over this.

Any woman who worries that she doesn't cum fast enough or enough times because she's worrying about how that makes her PARTNER feel is far too sensitive and special a woman to be worrying about this in the first place. Damnit, he should appreciate that.