climactic implication

[hmmnmm]

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[NoJo]

hmmmnmmm, i so love your name. But my mind is reeling with replies that you may be too tender and fragile to accept as the gentle ribbing which i dish out , and which every single person here without exception knows and loves very much.

 

[carsonshepherd]

I think I'd have to see an example. When you post a link to your stories in your sig, or on this thread, I will take a look. Until then I'm far too lazy.

 

[minsue]

I think I'd have to see an example. When you post a link to your stories in your sig, or on this thread, I will take a look. Until then I'm far too lazy.

For the lazy

 

[NoJo]

For the lazy

thanks, min.

 

[minsue]

thanks, min.

Tis the least I could do. I'm too lazy today for anything other than re-reading old favorites.

 

[NoJo]

Well, hmmnnnn, I read it. I've read a lot worse (including my own first submission to Lit). But your prose is so purple its ultraviolet - I was worrying about skin cancer the whole time.

For fuck's sake, just write more how you talk -- otherwise the effect is comical.

You've broken the ice by submitting the story, and you clearly want to improve.

Believe me, you will, and quickly.

 

[carsonshepherd]

thanks, min.

Yes, thanks.

Now, hmmmmm. I agree with Joe, and I also agree with the public comment. The imagery is delicious. But the prose itself - the style - is, as Joe so aptly put it, purple. One sentence was I believe 4 Lit lines long, with an excrutiating amount of subordinate clauses.

You can cut some of this back, and make it more readable, without losing your talent for imagery and evocation. It can be done. You say it in your post, yourself: I'm not explaining this well. Perhaps you can work on that first, just saying what you mean, and then go from there.

 

[cantdog]

That's a bit too general, though. Let me tell you what I had to do to stop my own detail from swamping the story. I went through and looked for as... and then... in my sex scenes.

These were in there to be sure everyone knew what every move was, in which order (then...) and that they understood which moves were simultaneous (as...). This is what overwriting is. Some of it.

When I found those telltales, I got out the figurative blue pencil and cut away the detail. There was a lot of it. I couldn't let a moan or whimper pass without recording it.

Other overwriting I was doing comes under the "You have to kill your children" rule. When I'd managed to place an especially clever or aphoristic phrase in there, it became very important to me. Rewrites and polishes passed it right by, because I had to preserve it. I didn't even bring it up for review. I just read it and felt pleased with myself again.

But that kind of thing is a lump in the gravy. It interferes with the reader's absorption in the story, and if you look objectively at it, you see it's just plain extra. Kill it. Being clever just says, "My, isn't this a clever bastard whose story I was reading."

Some I didn't actually kill, but after a couple of months, seeing it, I realized I should have. Kill your children. It hurts to let them go, but they have to go. You can use the little gems in conversation if you must, but they shouldn't be in the story.

 

[NoJo]

I'd like to kill my children, but they're bigger than me.

I think in a Lit story "kill you children" doesn't really apply. That dictum originally meant "sacrifice great scenes/characters/dialog if they don't move the story forward" -- Something film screenwriters are more concerned with. In lit, one good scene is enough. "Kill your parents" might be equally appropriate.

 

[Alex De Kok]

I think most readers here read for entertainment, not for education in the intricacies of English as a tool for obfuscation!

To paraphrase an engineering suggestion I read once, 'simplicate, and add lightness'.

Alex

 

[hmmnmm]

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[cantdog]

When I have to be very clear, or when I'm writing for a newspaper, I have another little trick. I write in words of one syllable as much as I can. You'd be shocked how well it works to clear up purple prose.

 

[Alex De Kok]

Can't remember who said it, but someone wise said, 'never use a big word when there's a little one that means the same.'

Alex

 

[dr_mabeuse]

You might try this: concentrate on telling the story. That's your first responsibility as a writer: what happens next? And then? And then?

I think your problem is kind of unique. The usual beginner has to be reminded to show and not tell. In your case, you're showing entirely too much. You need to back off and just tell us some things and forgo the descriptions.

Look at your first scene, which is basically a masturbation. Do we really need to know how the blankets are arranged? Or that she just shaved her legs? Or that her razor came with aloe-vera cream?

I think of stories sometimes in terms of movies. Movies don't spend all their time on closeups of people's faces or their hands or whatever. They take long shots to show us the action so we can concentrate on what's happening and not be distracted by detail. They zoom in on closeups only when the details are important to a scene.

In the same way, detail in a story should be saved for the most important scenes. Detail corresponds to tight focus in film. Most of the time, pull the camera back and tell us what's happening in broader strokes.

You've got a great imagination, by the way, and I love some of your imagery. Just save those things for the most importantscenes in your story.

---dr.M.

 

[hmmnmm]

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[BlackShanglan]

Hmmmnmmm, I wasn't sure if I should suggest this, but ...

All of my editors know how much trouble I have with this sort of thing myself. I've far from solved the issue, but I have learned to develop my eye for what can be cut, where, how, and why.

If you'd like to sling a couple of sample paragraphs my way, I'd be happy to send them back commented with what I would change and why. That's not to imply that I'm at all a model to emulate - only to offer support to someone struggling with a problem I've faced myself.

(Alternatively, I might be able to dig up a pre-edit draft of one of my own and show you how it evolved ... not sure if I have them or not, though.)

Shanglan

 

[inkstain]

I think of stories sometimes in terms of movies. Movies don't spend all their time on closeups of people's faces or their hands or whatever. They take long shots to show us the action so we can concentrate on what's happening and not be distracted by detail. They zoom in on closeups only when the details are important to a scene.

yes, an excellent analogy!

it's also as well to remember that there are different styles of film. porn films are built around trying to make the viewer as aroused as possible. (sorry if that sounds obvious). Your story reminds me of an "art film", made by a student who is very concerned with the craft and wanting to be deep and meaningful the whole time.

personally, i rather liked your story, because it was strange!

 

[hmmnmm]

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[carsonshepherd]

well, I can't wait to read it. Bump this thread when the edit hits.

 

[hmmnmm]

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[LadyTemptress]

hmmnmm clean out your PM box.

 

[hmmnmm]

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[yui]

Somewhere in this beautiful maze I saw someone explain exactly how to post links but I cannot find that place
The latest edit is up but thanks to BlackShanglan I am yet working on another. but see if this at least moves a bit better - if you get the chance. it is called "Grand Opening Prelude"
Then i made a slight poke of fun towards this whole overwriting tendency and submitted, "Grand opening footnote" in the humor category.
Also I've had other story ideas and this latest I felt better about and if you want to check it out, it's New and I call it Hometown Girl Ch. 01.

if anybody feels so inclined.
I greatly appreciate all the helpful comments.
Great place.

Hi hmmnmm,

Here is your link Stories that make you go, hmmnmm.

Just click on "quote" and it will display the link to your story page. You can rename your stories by replacing my text ("stories that make you go, hmmnmm") with the text of your choice. Just copy the link and go to your user control panel, click on edit profile, and paste the link in the signature box. Presto! You're stories will be linked in your sig.

Luck,

Yui

 

[hmmnmm]

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