Clairvoyance Wanted

[Killishandra]

I have a pretty spiffy Dom, a sweetly submissive sister-sub, and all things in my life (work, school, home life) seemingly falling into place.

By all accounts, I should be happy all the time. My last relationship with a Dom (and another submissive) ended abruptly, about 7 weeks ago. Since then, He and I have had our times of not speaking, our times of heart-felt shows of emotion, and our times of vicious name calling... and, everything inbetween. About 3 weeks ago I met my current Dom and things have proceeded VERY quickly since then... to the point of the three of us looking for an apartment together by the end of this month. He treats me excellently, supports me in all my endeavors, and takes care of me in any way He can see to. On top of that we get along great, He is smart, funny, Dominant, etc...

Unfortunately, although I am excited and happy most of the time, I still wake up many nights and run to the bathroom to cry over the One I miss. Thankfully, neither of my current SO's have woken during these little fits (I bring a pillow to muffle with) but as they have started to happen during the daytime I am becoming more and more concerned about my subconcious mind. I can't stop longing for Him, I never stop thinking about Him, and I had (perhaps naively) hoped that by now, and with others in my life to offer me purpose, I would come to peace with our breakup.

How can I, in honesty, offer myself body and soul to my Dom when I am constantly plagued with thoughts of another? Not just thoughts, but intense emotions... I have never been in love with anyone before Him. I had used the words "I love you" but I came to realize that whatever emotions I felt for previous boyfriends, it is not in the same ballpark as what I carry in my heart for Him. Whatever the reasons, I cannot detach myself from my feelings for Him and I am so afraid that I never will.

Does anyone out there have clairvoyant powers? I need to know... Does time really heal all wounds, or am I destined to live my life in love with one man - yet belonging to another?

 

[TaintedB]

Well, time doesn't heal all wounds, but it makes them a little duller. You're moving awfully fast, Killi, that's all. Not a criticism, but your emotions haven't had time to keep up with the pace you've set. You'll probably mourn over your lost relationship for a while. That's natural, and I don't think it can be rushed through. You just have to get through it. is this something you can trust your current dom to help you with if you tell him about it?

 

[Kajira Callista]

Maybe the new relationship is not what you are needing? Maybe it is too soon? Only you can answer the questions, and to find happiness you need to answer yourself honestly and not take the next step until you are sure.

 

[Netzach]

This is why light rebound mishaps are good for the soul, but there are no hard rules in this stuff at all. People find mates at the least opportune of times.

Torches sometimes never get extinguished, but they do start to light your way rather than burn you. I have someone in my life who understands me perfectly and who I will never be with, and that's not my partner. My partner loves me, adores me, fulfills me in all ways imaginable, but I have to explain what I mean to him and I never have to say a word for this other person to understand me perfectly. You can see my ties to this person as one of life's great sadnesses or a blessing, and it's been both.

 

[tealsphynx]

I agree with the others that maybe you're moving too fast, you haven't had enough time to stop feeling that intenseness for your ex. I'm not sure what might help you...maybe don't feel this extreme need to, after only 3 weeks, give yourself completely into this new relationship. Be with them, enjoy your time with them, but maybe don't expect a full soul sharing romance for a while longer, you need time to heal.

 

[jasonlf]

Maybe the new relationship is not what you are needing? Maybe it is too soon? Only you can answer the questions, and to find happiness you need to answer yourself honestly and not take the next step until you are sure.

Talk about clairvoyance, you took the thoughts outta my mind.

Moving quickly is not fair to yourself, or your new SO. You have to make sure you want your new SO(s) rather than just wanting SOMEONE there. Take it from someone who has jumped into the arms of another too quickly, and almost screwed up badly.

--Jay

P.S. Love and prayers will be flowing your way, Killi.

 

[canadiancutie]

I have a pretty spiffy Dom, a sweetly submissive sister-sub, and all things in my life (work, school, home life) seemingly falling into place.

By all accounts, I should be happy all the time. My last relationship with a Dom (and another submissive) ended abruptly, about 7 weeks ago. Since then, He and I have had our times of not speaking, our times of heart-felt shows of emotion, and our times of vicious name calling... and, everything inbetween. About 3 weeks ago I met my current Dom and things have proceeded VERY quickly since then... to the point of the three of us looking for an apartment together by the end of this month. He treats me excellently, supports me in all my endeavors, and takes care of me in any way He can see to. On top of that we get along great, He is smart, funny, Dominant, etc...

Unfortunately, although I am excited and happy most of the time, I still wake up many nights and run to the bathroom to cry over the One I miss. Thankfully, neither of my current SO's have woken during these little fits (I bring a pillow to muffle with) but as they have started to happen during the daytime I am becoming more and more concerned about my subconcious mind. I can't stop longing for Him, I never stop thinking about Him, and I had (perhaps naively) hoped that by now, and with others in my life to offer me purpose, I would come to peace with our breakup.

How can I, in honesty, offer myself body and soul to my Dom when I am constantly plagued with thoughts of another? Not just thoughts, but intense emotions... I have never been in love with anyone before Him. I had used the words "I love you" but I came to realize that whatever emotions I felt for previous boyfriends, it is not in the same ballpark as what I carry in my heart for Him. Whatever the reasons, I cannot detach myself from my feelings for Him and I am so afraid that I never will.

Does anyone out there have clairvoyant powers? I need to know... Does time really heal all wounds, or am I destined to live my life in love with one man - yet belonging to another?

mmkay, I know this probably is a bit of a personal question...but are you usually the one that ends a relationship? Because that could definitely have something to do with it. If not, ignore me. If I'm right, send me a message on YIM and I can elaborate haha

 

[blondie03]

Killi, I have to agree with the others, maybe it is just too soon. To be fair to yourself and to the other two in this relationship, maybe you need to take a step back and take some time to figure out what Killi wants.

Losing somebody who you loved that deeply isn't something that you will be able to get over overnight and let's be real, a month isn't that long of a time. Maybe you wanted somebody to fill the void you felt after the One was gone. There is nothing wrong with that Killi, just don't rush things. Talking of moving in with one another after 3 weeks is a little too soon for any type of relationship in my opinion. If your new Dom and sister-sub love and care for you Killi, they will understand your need for more time and space to work things out.

Sweetie, just take your time, think of what you want and go from there. Time does lessen the hurt.

I have someone in my life who understands me perfectly and who I will never be with, and that's not my partner. My partner loves me, adores me, fulfills me in all ways imaginable, but I have to explain what I mean to him and I never have to say a word for this other person to understand me perfectly. You can see my ties to this person as one of life's great sadnesses or a blessing, and it's been both.

Netzach, I totally understand this. It has definately been both a blessing and a total sadness that I found Him and unfortunatly things could not work out for us to be together. Some days I am grateful that He is in my life and other days I am mad because He is and what should have been, could never be. (so hoping that made sense)

 

[Jay Davis]

The loss of your first real love hurts forever. Eventually, it becomes something you can live with, and then something that doesn't bother you for days, then weeks, then months at a time. But when a song from that relationship (specifically, "Melt with You," by Modern English, or almost anything from Purple Rain) pops up on the oldies station, I still feel that stab of pain from 21 years ago. I've loved other women since, but that first one is special, and you'll carry him with you always.

It's WAY too soon after that breakup for you to be making serious commitments. See this Dom and your sister-sub if you like, have fun, let healing time pass, but understand that you aren't ready to be making any serious romantic decisions right now. I would strongly advise against moving in with anyone with whom you have or can envision a romantic or even non-romantic D/s entanglement with right now. Seven weeks is not nearly enough time for you to have put your first true love behind you, and sharing a living space with a current lover (or lovers) will make it impossible for you to have the privacy you need to hear your own feelings clearly, and will almost inevitably set the entire group of you up for a very messy conclusion.

Three months after my first true love broke up with me, I drifted into a rebound relationship with someone who'd been a friend a year before. She was rebounding, too, although she'd had a crush on me while I was with Miss True Love. A year and a half later, we were married. Three years after that, we were divorced. Thank Whoever you think runs this joint that there were no kids involved in that split.

Basically, I'm saying don't make my mistake. Don't rush into anything serious right now, and sharing an apartment is WAY serious. If the previous Him is really as important to you as you say, you need some time--at least 6 months, perhaps a year or more--to grieve and to heal. I'm not saying you have to be a nun or a hermit till then, but keep it light, friendly, and casual for now, and focus primarily on yourself--that jeet kun do class is perfect for you right now.

I know that the presence of another sub in the mix complicates things--if they move in together, and you keep a separate home, you won't really be as much a part of the relationship as she is. But the fact is, you can't be, not now, even if you do move in with Him and her. And it's not her, or even you, that's the problem...it's the fact that you're still carrying the previous Him in your heart. It's really not fair to your present partners to drag your former love into their relationship, but at the moment, you can't help it.

I know this is hard to hear, and will be even harder to heed, but I suspect that deep down, you know it's at least close to the mark, or you wouldn't have asked for help. Whatever you decide, take good care of yourself, and don't expect anyone else to do that for you. The hardest thing a sub has to do is look after herself or himself between relationships, but it's the most important gift we can offer our future partner(s). As the anonymous slave interviewed in Guy Baldwin's Slavecraft points out, your first duty as a sub, especially when you are without an Owner, is always "take care of the property."

 

[Betticus]

Does time really heal all wounds, or am I destined to live my life in love with one man - yet belonging to another?

Time does not heal wounds, you just become accustomed to the pain.

The fact that you are even asking this question of us shows just how not ready you are. You don't seem to be thinking very rationally.

Is it fair to your new Dom? Would you appreciate having a new man in your life that is having emotional problems with an ex that you didn't know about?

You have also been hit with a reality seven weeks ago that you have never had to deal with before in your life and with which you have no experience. You must consider the possibility that at least some of the attachment you are feeling is due to that. It hurts, it's never happened to you before and it has you very confused and has shot your morale and self esteem.

Given the delicate emotional state that you are in I would have to say that you are unable to think in a safe and sane manner and that you need to be exceptionally careful right now in choosing your partners.

I personally think that you are fucking up badly.

 

[tealsphynx]

Draggie is in the tub, but he asked me ever so sweetly to post to you. His big heartbreak was not too long ago (year and a half?)....he's got some things he'd like to share with you, he says you and he should have a subbie coffee sooner than later. I'll have hi PM you the details later.

 

[graceanne]

IM me and we can talk in more detail, but I'm sure we went over this. An ending relationship, like death, has a cycle it has to go through. You can't turn off and on emotions, you aren't going to just wake up one day and not be in love with him anymore. It doesn't work that way.

When you started looking for another relationship this was my worry, remember? I was worried that your heart wasn't healed enough, and that if you ended up in a relationship that you wouldn't be able to offer your whole self to that person.

I can see you not wanting to end this relationship if things are working out, but you need to SERIOUSLY slow down. Moving in with someone you've only known a month is a REALLY bad idea, even if you're not on the rebound. Talk to him. If he's the guy for you, he'll understand how you're feeling, and be willing to slow things down for you. If he gets pissed and walks then you just saved yourself from a nasty mistake, and the possibility of a broken heart.

Frankly, that's another reason why rebound relationship are a bad idea. You're heart isn't healed yet, and you're opening it for another wound. You're going to make yourself sick. *hugs* I kinda like you around, I'd appreciate it if you took care of yourself, your whole self, please?

 

[catalina_francisco]

Give yourself time to arrive in a place where you are in control of your emotions again, before putting yourself in the vulnerable position of a live-in relationship. The fantasy of living with someone, having sex, affection, companionship there all the time is great, but the reality is much harder to maintain, even when all the odds are in your favour...without some of those odds it just places you in a position to fuck yourself over badly, and others as well.

My best advice would be to arrange a time where you can talk to your new Dom and sister sub, be open about what has been happening for you AND how you feel about them. If they are the ones for you and really have your well being at heart, they will give you the time and space you need and still be a support and loving place to fall if that is what you all want....if they don't, you know you could never have trusted them to be there for you and that is not what you need now or ever. Take care of you.

Catalina

 

[sphynx's dragon]

Girlie...all I can say is this...coffee...soon...call me.

 

[Quint]

This is why light rebound mishaps are good for the soul, but there are no hard rules in this stuff at all. People find mates at the least opportune of times.

Torches sometimes never get extinguished, but they do start to light your way rather than burn you. I have someone in my life who understands me perfectly and who I will never be with, and that's not my partner. My partner loves me, adores me, fulfills me in all ways imaginable, but I have to explain what I mean to him and I never have to say a word for this other person to understand me perfectly. You can see my ties to this person as one of life's great sadnesses or a blessing, and it's been both.

This is beautiful and true. Thank you.

 

[jasonlf]

This is why light rebound mishaps are good for the soul, but there are no hard rules in this stuff at all. People find mates at the least opportune of times.

Torches sometimes never get extinguished, but they do start to light your way rather than burn you. I have someone in my life who understands me perfectly and who I will never be with, and that's not my partner. My partner loves me, adores me, fulfills me in all ways imaginable, but I have to explain what I mean to him and I never have to say a word for this other person to understand me perfectly. You can see my ties to this person as one of life's great sadnesses or a blessing, and it's been both.

Wow, I overlooked this until someone else quoted it... but wow.

Wise words.

 

[Quint]

Wow, I overlooked this until someone else quoted it... but wow.

Wise words.

She's awesome, isn't she?

Seriously, Killi, I wish I had words to offer. I jumped from a fiancee to T with less-than-no-hiatus, so I'm not the smartest person to turn to for advice. There are the rational admonishments, and there are the "against all odds" relationships that actually work out, even given the shittiest of beginning circumstances. I'm in one of the latter so I'm rosey-eyed. I know that I still love my first fiancee and I hope I always do. Love isn't the "happily every after," it's more the "to be continued." Do I think you should give yourself time to readjust? Sure, but I'm definitely not going to blame you if you choose not to...I didn't. You big volcano lady...you'll figure it out.

Why do I tend to start rambles with "I wish I had words to offer"? Yeesh I make no sense even to myself.

 

[sigsauerprinces]

i agree with others who said perhaps youre moving just a bit fast. when you really love someone, you need time to mourn the relationships end properly. i know that sounds all counseling-y and icky, but its true. i should know, i'm going through it myself. its been almost six months and i still barely think of sex and have no thought of meeting someone new. thats not to say its wrong to get in a relationship right after one ends..but i dont think you should get in a SERIOUS relationship right now. just take it slow. give yourself time to be alone with yourself, sort out your thoughts, maybe figure out why it didnt work and what you can do to make relationships work in the future. or perhaps it was all the other person-you wont know til youve had time to reflect on it..and you cant have time to do that if youre living with a Dom 24-7, serving him, tending to his needs, ect. i think you need to put Killi first for a while..as hard as that is for a sub to do sometimes, its essential in being healthy. also, not to presume, but who knows what the future holds. sometimes people break up and get back together after theyve had some time apart to reevaluate things. i'm not trying to confuse you or make your decision harder..i just think you should give yourself some time and space before getting into something as serious as living with your Dom and sis sub.

 

[Killishandra]

Thank you, everyone, for the replies (and words of advice.)

I'm stuck without net access where I'm staying, and I only have 3 minutes left on this pay comp in the lobby, so I don't have time to respond right now. But I'm thinking over the advice, and trying to figure things out... I need to have a talk with my Dom, that's for certain. I'm just not sure where it will lead.

Hopefully I'll get more time on the comp soon and be able to post a longer reply and some responses (and maybe an update.)


Killi

 

[FurryFury]

Killishandra Sweetie,

This makes me sad that you are going through what you are but it is perfectly normal.

Unlike some I won't say rebound relationships never work, or that it's wrong to try to fill that empty place inside you.

Why? Because I am in one that does work and has for over 14 years.

However, I do think you need to be as honest as you can with yourself and your partners. I know we aren't always aware of everything about what we want, are feeling or will feel. Yet one has to try. If this Dom and sister sub don't understand you are in pain and want to help you, which someone else already said, then they are not right for you.

I told my, now husband, at the beginning, that I didn't know what I was going to do. That I might get back with my ex, the biological father of my child, who had just walked out on me. I told him that I wanted he and I to be able to remain friends no matter what we did. I also told him that I wanted to have sex that night if he would, with absolutely no promises, come over.

He was strangely (it seemed strange to me) cool with it. He came over. Within a week I was more comfortable with him than I had ever been with any man. I trusted him more in that one week than I had my ex in a decade. We were seldom apart when jobs and life didn't demand it. He has helped me work through a lot of problems through the years.

So that's my two cents.

Fury

 

[sunfox]

Killi... Netzach had great words to offer, and I have a situation somewhat like what she described myself. It works for me.. it works for C, but it might not work for other people.

My honest opinion is that it may just be too soon for you to commit yourself completely to something new until you've worked through your feelings from the previous relationship. And let's face it.. some people are much harder, if not impossible, to get over... but in time, even those unforgettable people become a part of the past, instead of an impediment to the future.

I'm sorry that this is causing you so much confusion and worry.. and I hope that you have good news when you return to the thread with an update.

 

[sincerely_helene]

I somehow don't feel right in replying to you here, but I do have a PM in progress should you choose to read and consider it. Good luck to you either way.

 

[Marquis]

So, Killi, can we get that reply you promised us?

Where did that talk with your Dom lead?


You know, maybe if you gave everyone a few more details, they wouldn't need clairvoyance to tell you where this relationship is going to lead. I understand you're kept VERY busy these days, so I'll be happy to post a response for you if you can't find the time.

 

[Killishandra]

So, Killi, can we get that reply you promised us?

Where did that talk with your Dom lead?


You know, maybe if you gave everyone a few more details, they wouldn't need clairvoyance to tell you where this relationship is going to lead. I understand you're kept VERY busy these days, so I'll be happy to post a response for you if you can't find the time.

Why, thank you Marquis, for the reminder. And I'm perfectly capable of writing my own update. I'll do so sometime when I'm not running inbetween physics and genetics classes.

I already can imagine the types of reactions I'll get, so I don't see much point in going into details, but I'll post something for those who might be interested or concerned. It'll take a few days to get enough privacy and time on the net to do so, but it'll get done.

 

[caela]

... physics and genetics classes.

Physics and genetics in one term?!!! Ouch, no wonder you have no time!!! Best of luck to you with them Killishandra.