chubbie subbies

[Guest]

I'm new to all this. All the subs I found have been BBWs. The few that aren't don't bother answering my replies on bondage or alt.com. Is it within the rules to request that they slim down to an acceptable weight if I agree to monitor their exercise and eating habits?

 

[Ebonyfire]

I'm new to all this. All the subs I found have been BBWs. The few that aren't don't bother answering my replies on bondage or alt.com. Is it within the rules to request that they slim down to an acceptable weight if I agree to monitor their exercise and eating habits?

You have to find a sub who will agree to your requirements. So when you are meeting them, you must discuss this with them before you collar them.

If I were a sub, I would not want a Dom who did not accept me the way I am.

Ebonyfire

 

[MissTaken]

Firstly, weight can be a temporary issue.

I have known Doms who felt that a heavier sub was okay as they would be motivated by their Dom to excercise and eat well. It did in fact, work for me.

I lost 20 pounds when involved with my first Dom.

I would suggest though, that beign in touch with why the sub is overweight is necessary. There is some scientific reasoning to believe that to a certain degree, heaviness is an inherited trait.

As long as you set a reasonable goal and communciate clearly and positively with the sub, why not?

I certainly wouldn't make that wish part of an introductory e mail, but once involved, yes. A good Dom wants His sub to be the best person she can be.

Good Luck

 

[MissTaken]

Re: Re: chubbie subbies

If I were a sub, I would not want a Dom who did not accept me the way I am.

Ebonyfire

Well hoping for weight loss is okay, but yes to accepting us as is in the event it never comes off.

I wouldn't gamble on the off chance that you hurt someone's feelings when their weight loss is only minimal.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Firstly, weight can be a temporary issue.

I have known Doms who felt that a heavier sub was okay as they would be motivated by their Dom to excercise and eat well. It did in fact, work for me.

I lost 20 pounds when involved with my first Dom.

I would suggest though, that beign in touch with why the sub is overweight is necessary. There is some scientific reasoning to believe that to a certain degree, heaviness is an inherited trait.

As long as you set a reasonable goal and communciate clearly and positively with the sub, why not?

I certainly wouldn't make that wish part of an introductory e mail, but once involved, yes. A good Dom wants His sub to be the best person she can be.

Good Luck

Yes I agree, you would have to find one who wanted to lose weight over time, but to just pronounce it as a requirement is apt to just piss any potential sub off.

Eb

 

[MissTaken]

BTW?

How far are you willing to go to change something about yourself for a potential sub?

Just curious and to see what sort of conversation pops up.

 

[cymbidia]

I'd be very clear in your profile at alt/bondage that you're interested in contact only with and from height/weight proportional submissives. That way, those who don't fit your physical standards will know better then to spend any time or thought contacting you. Additionally, if you're contacted by anyone, you can be somewhat assured that they must be reasonably thin.

It's good to know with some certainty what we want in a potential match. We can't get what we want unless we can articulate it, can we? For instance, in my ads, i've always stressed intelligence, a sophisticated attitude toward sexuality, a lot of real time experience (years and years), the ability to be tender and caring, and geographic closeness. If i'd ever felt that having Ken (as opposed to Barbie) was important, i would have put that in there, too. (I never wanted Ken. The Ken's i had never had dicks. I knew early on that dicks were important bits of flesh.)

Honesty in what you want and who you are is the name of the game in personals ad writing, boys and girls and bois.

 

[Shadowsdream]

I feel that posting it as a requirement would open the door to a journey into low self esteem. Especially if the submissive You may choose had difficulty losing the weight or You in fact did not remain motivated to keep her proudly focused on the journey of self improvement for health and Your perception of beauty.

Weight loss or gain can bring its own kind of internal pain or rewards.

 

[A Desert Rose]

I feel that posting it as a requirement would open the door to a journey into low self esteem. Especially if the submissive You may choose had difficulty losing the weight or You in fact did not remain motivated to keep her proudly focused on the journey of self improvement for health and Your perception of beauty.

Weight loss or gain can bring its own kind of internal pain or rewards.

~~~~~~Boy that's the truth. And, with all due respect, if your (NewDom) perception of beauty is thinner women, then maybe you need to remain on that quest instead of trying to find some one to change into your ideal.

Just an opinion.....
Rose

 

[cymbidia]

With great respect, Shadowsdream, i disagree.

If height/weight proportionality is a big issue for a dominant in terms of his being able to feel loving/caring/aroused by a potential submissive, then he should definitely state that upfront.

I carry extra weight and have for maybe 10 years. I've long wanted to know before i spent even two minutes trying to craft a nice reply to an alt/bondage profile whether a particular dominant was hung up on the issue of weight or not.

I'm a real flesh and blood woman, someone with strengths and weaknesses, good points and bad. I'm an experienced submissive and intelligent professional woman. I own my own home and pay taxes. I'm a hell of a deal. But i'm not a Barbie doll and haven't ever wanted to waste my time on someone who wants a Barbie doll. I've always preferred to know right upfront who wanted flash and who was going for substance.

The willingness of a dominant to look beyond the makeup, clothing, and scale to what lies beneath has been one of my most successful ways of weeding the players from the honest lifestylers. If someone is so tied into external appearances that they count people in or out of their lives based just on that - then i don't want play in their sandbox, anyway, you know?

In any case, my set of criteria regarding what's important to me in a potential partner is no less real or acceptable or important then anyone else's. I think we should all be as open and upfront with what we need from another person as we can be. You often can't get what you need and want unless you can ask for it.

 

[MsWorthy]

Re: Re: chubbie subbies

You have to find a sub who will agree to your requirements. So when you are meeting them, you must discuss this with them before you collar them.

If I were a sub, I would not want a Dom who did not accept me the way I am.

Ebonyfire

Excellent point, Eb.

Within this context (the sub and the dom/me feels comfortable with the exercise/diet regimen), I think it is certainly acceptable to ask for control in this area. However, in my opinion, people have only a portion of control when it comes to their outward appearance. As Miss T stated, there is quite a bit of information/research that indicates that body weight has much more to do with heredity than with diet.

Having said that, I also have my own personal bias on this topic. In my opinion, a person/sub's weight/body shape is not an area a dom/me should touch on/control. For me, it is as individual and sacred as a potential sub's religion, politics, child-rearing methods, or need for privacy in the bathroom.

This is not to say that these areas are not important to a dom/me. Of course they are. But, this is one of the yardsticks we use to weed what we need/want or don't need/want in our search for a good match. Once you find a potential sub that is a good match for you in the areas that are important to you, these areas should be left alone, as I do not feel they are/should be within a dom/me's domain to control; they are intensely personal, and in my opinion, have little to do with submission.

 

[mskittykatt]

I'm new to all this. All the subs I found have been BBWs. The few that aren't don't bother answering my replies on bondage or alt.com. Is it within the rules to request that they slim down to an acceptable weight if I agree to monitor their exercise and eating habits?

in any personal relationship - especially D/s - the people involved make "the rules" for themselves.

the only way to find out what is open for discussion with each one is to ask.

if you're worried about offending people, some will be offended no matter how you word it, and with them your answer is pretty obvious, it would be against thier rules!

the rest you can satisfy with some common curtesy and respect as well as being honest and direct from the start.

as for monitoring excercise and eating habits, that is another area to be careful with - there are many different body types and what works for some people won't work for another, and there is a lot of grey area there.

perhaps you can support her in going to a registared dietician and medical doctor for the technical help she needs.

 

[Shadowsdream]

cym

I agree with the way you have advised posting requirements in an alt ad. I agree 100%. But that is not how I read the post.

It is very possible that I read it wrong but I saw it as a question about after communication had begun rather than upfront before it ocurred.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Re: Re: chubbie subbies

Excellent point, Eb.

Within this context (the sub and the dom/me feels comfortable with the exercise/diet regimen), I think it is certainly acceptable to ask for control in this area. However, in my opinion, people have only a portion of control when it comes to their outward appearance. As Miss T stated, there is quite a bit of information/research that indicates that body weight has much more to do with heredity than with diet.

Having said that, I also have my own personal bias on this topic. In my opinion, a person/sub's weight/body shape is not an area a dom/me should touch on/control. For me, it is as individual and sacred as a potential sub's religion, politics, child-rearing methods, or need for privacy in the bathroom.

This is not to say that these areas are not important to a dom/me. Of course they are. But, this is one of the yardsticks we use to weed what we need/want or don't need/want in our search for a good match. Once you find a potential sub that is a good match for you in the areas that are important to you, these areas should be left alone, as I do not feel they are/should be within a dom/me's domain to control; they are intensely personal, and in my opinion, have little to do with submission.

Excellent post, MsW, in fact all of you are much more clear than I was, and I agree with what you all have said. I think the Dom who requested this information needs to write an ad that clearly states what he wants, so he can avoid disappointment.

Eb

 

[cymbidia]

Is it within the rules to request that they slim down to an acceptable weight if I agree to monitor their exercise and eating habits?

I saw it as a question about after communication had begun rather than upfront before it ocurred.

Ah! You're quite correct, Shadowsdream. Thank you for the clarification.

NewDom?
If i were to begin talking with a prospective new dominant about the development of something of value between us and he placed conditions of weight loss on our continuing to talk, i'd thank him politely for the coffee - then leave.

But that's just me.

If you can find a submissive who wants to lose the extra weight and wants someone to force her into it and wants someone to monitor her and watchher and make it happen for her - then yes! Hell yes, it's within the rules! Go for it, dude - if you can find such a sub!

Oh.
Yeh.
Right.
And there are no rules.
We all make them up as we go.
They're totally arbitrary and fit each of us, alone and as D/s pairings, individually.
Sorry.
It's make-it-fit-you-as-you-go-along, all the way.

Well, except pretty universally is this rule: be honest.
Everything else flows from there.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Re: chubbie subbies

in any personal relationship - especially D/s - the people involved make "the rules" for themselves.

the only way to find out what is open for discussion with each one is to ask.

if you're worried about offending people, some will be offended no matter how you word it, and with them your answer is pretty obvious, it would be against thier rules!

the rest you can satisfy with some common curtesy and respect as well as being honest and direct from the start.

as for monitoring excercise and eating habits, that is another area to be careful with - there are many different body types and what works for some people won't work for another, and there is a lot of grey area there.

perhaps you can support her in going to a registared dietician and medical doctor for the technical help she needs.

Especially if he offers to pay for it. It is expensive.

Eb

 

[WillowPuss]

I would be interested to know what New Dom considers to be an ideal size and why.

 

[A Desert Rose]

I'm new to all this. All the subs I found have been BBWs. The few that aren't don't bother answering my replies on bondage or alt.com. Is it within the rules to request that they slim down to an acceptable weight if I agree to monitor their exercise and eating habits?

~~~~~I see no reason to turn this into a master's (excuse the pun) thesis or a sociological study.

If the guy wants a certain kind of body type, that is what he needs to concentrate on. Molding someone into an "ideal" is something, I personally find close to impossible. I am not sure I could ever live up to some "ideal."

Just another opinion peice,
Rose

 

[lorddragonwolf]

cant you take a woman for who she is no matter how much she weights?

 

[Persephone36]

I think to bring this issue up -- if the sub does not bring it up on their own as something they want to address that you can support them on -- is the ultimate in treating someone as a thing to be manipulated into an image you desire -- and not as a separate person in their own right.

To want to change someone -- in any way -- into the correct vision of what *you* desire is about wishing to be surrounded by others who reflect yourself. It's about narcissism.

It's certainly not about emotional maturity. And I wouldn't want anything to do with someone who didn't value me for who I am as an individual -- including the areas in which we are different or disagree, etc.

I feel very strongly about this in regards to *any* kind of relationship we have with another person -- it's not solely related to a D/s one or a vanilla one or platonic friendship. It's across the board.

We all judge -- that's human nature. But to search out a relationship with someone to only then attempt to mold them into some projection you have in your head -- is about having a relationship with yourself -- and not the individual in front of you.

I think there's certainly nothing wrong with being upfront about what we desire in someone, particularly when placing an ad. We all have our bias as to what attracts us or turns us on.

But to try and change someone in any way -- when they haven't said to you -- "I want to explore *fill in blank* (changing my weight, improving my health, my sexual boundaries, my masochistic side, my religious tenets, my political ideals, my emotional growth, etc.) is about you only wanting to accept someone, after the fact, conditionally.

You're only going to find yourself in a relationship with someone whose self-esteem is so low that they don't value themselves. There you've got two people with personal growth issues (the narcissist and the self-denigrator) and that, in my book, is a recipe for disaster. Or at least -- a casebook for co-dependency. You mix an exchange of power into the basis for the relationship -- that to me is just lighting the fuse on a powder keg.

Be upfront about what your personal quirks are (that means whatever you find attractive -- because it's your personal judgment -- it has nothing to do with the worth of those you relate to) or spend sometime working on your own emotional issues, before you try to be a Dom to someone.

After all -- you're asking a sub to give their trust to you. And why should *anyone* trust you if you sit in judgment over them.

My two cents.

 

[MissTaken]

cant you take a woman for who she is no matter how much she weights?

Not everyone does, lorddragonwolf.

We all have personal preferences, some which are of a higher priority than others.

It may have to do with age, appearance, likes or dislikes, but I hold no ill will against someone who doesn't find me physically attractive, regardless of the reason.

 

[morninggirl5]

I'm new to all this. All the subs I found have been BBWs. The few that aren't don't bother answering my replies on bondage or alt.com. Is it within the rules to request that they slim down to an acceptable weight if I agree to monitor their exercise and eating habits?

Is it within the rules? Certainly, a Dom and sub make up their own rules.

Is it going to be very probable? I seriously doubt it.


Think about the message you are sending. A Dom asks me to consider losing weight to serve him and i guarantee i'll hear, "You aren't good enough, beautiful, sexy as you are now. You aren't attractive to me."


Who wants a Dom that says that to them?


I agree with cym, if weight is that important to you, say so in your ad. Obviously, it's important or you wouldn't be posting the thread here.

Good Luck.

 

[Persephone36]

Re: Re: chubbie subbies

Is it within the rules? Certainly, a Dom and sub make up their own rules.

Think about the message you are sending. A Dom asks me to consider losing weight to serve him and i guarantee i'll hear, "You aren't good enough, beautiful, sexy as you are now. You aren't attractive to me."

morninggirl I think is very right about that. Perhaps I came off a little too harshly because it is so true about each Dom and sub defining their relationship uniquely.

But I have to say -- I would also immediately hear the same message if it was said to me.

However, if I told someone I already felt accepted by -- mind, body, soul -- that it was a goal of mine, to lose some weight, get in better shape, I would hope they'd be supportive and understanding. But that they wouldn't get on my back if I backslide at times. Because that would be negative reinforcement and not practically help me. More likely to have the effect of me to just leave the relationship.

Perhaps that's just me though. I'm sure there are some women who want to have someone be more of a task master with them. Some personal trainers supply that constant watchfulness that I know some men and women credit with helping them. Takes a lot of focus and energy...but for some perhaps -- it's exactly what they're looking for.

I agree with morninggirl though -- good luck on your search.

P.

 

[Ebonyfire]

What is Interesting

is that we are chewing this subject up, and the person who posted has not responded back and is not really registered.

Could this just be bait?

Ebony <just wondering>

 

[Persephone36]

Re: What is Interesting

is that we are chewing this subject up, and the person who posted has not responded back and is not really registered.

Could this just be bait?

Ebony <just wondering>

Excellent point, Eb.

P.