chronic depression

[Always]

let's see... should i put bandages on the slashes on my arms or let them get infected?

bandages - heal for me to slice open another day

infection - rather painful (isn't that the whole point?) and leaves interesting-looking scars

what you you think?

 

[Nicole]

Shila sweetie get some bandages on and then go find someone to sit and talk too.

I don't like to think of people out there as sad as you seem right now, but being so far away I can't reach out and hug you, and at times like this a virtual hug just isn't enough.

Please go in search of some help. It's sounds like you are ready to really hurt yourself and none of us want that.

Good Luck, and please Shila take care of yourself.

 

[Always]

*finishes with the mercurochrome and triple antibiotic ointement*

you don't liek to think of us? how sad, because we're out here and ingnoring us only worsens the problem.

help? no, all people want to do is put me in a "home" for crazy people and make me see a shrink. all they want to do is dig into my family problems (gods know there's enough of those) or wriggle their way into my mind and try to map my brain. that way they know what drugs to put me on to keep me happy. (i flushed the last bottle)

you want to know why i'm depressed today? let'as see, my dear, incredible, loved-more-than-anything-in-the-world cat died. she went outside and a bunch of kids got a hold of her and broke her legs, and her tail, and ripped her head off. I went out looking for her and found what was left of the body. I'm still tracking down the kids. the last one got smacked. hard. and he had to be seven or eight. the two teenagers I found - they knew better - one has a broken leg and the other got his neck broken. (that was actually an accident... the drop-kick didn't work too well.) I heard there's a warrant out for my arrest.

i'm gonna need that luck.

i'm sorry...

and goodbye.

 

[Naked Hunny]

You can never solve the problem of violence with violence!!

 

[teresafannin]

Shila, I think what Nicole meant is that she hates to think of people being so unhappy & not being able to do anything to help. Nicole is one of the nicest people here. I am so sorry that you are having such a bad time of it. There are people out there available to help, the therapist I am seeing has done wonders for me. I hope you find the help you need. Take care.

 

[Always]

yeah, well i've been relieved of a nagging little personality quirk most people have: a conscience.

thank you, but...

 

[Naked Hunny]

You dont think I understand is that it. The other week an ex boyfriend told me i deserved to lose my child!! I proceeded to hit him over the head with a beer bottle!! I have spent the past two weeks in police stations courtrooms, and with lawyers!! I lost custody of my daughter, my home, and maybe my freedom so watch who you are talking to ok!!

 

[Mustang Sally]

NH, chill, she didn't say anything like that. Geez.

Shila, I am so sorry about your cat. What a horrible thing to have happened! How can anyone be so cruel?? I can hardly imagine how shocked and furious you must be. Pets are like part of the family.

 

[Chuckus]

*finishes with the mercurochrome and triple antibiotic ointement*

you don't liek to think of us? how sad, because we're out here and ingnoring us only worsens the problem.

help? no, all people want to do is put me in a "home" for crazy people and make me see a shrink. all they want to do is dig into my family problems (gods know there's enough of those) or wriggle their way into my mind and try to map my brain. that way they know what drugs to put me on to keep me happy. (i flushed the last bottle)

Well it sounds as IF you want the help, you need to ASK for it to be of any consequence first........gotta learn to crawl before you walk.......in some way, somewhere, find a way to get HELP. I am not coming down on you, but it sounds like you are crying out for help in one way or another. Find it, it is there~~~somewhere, sometimes it just takes TIME to find the RIGHT HELP.

 

[naudiz]

Depression?

I think the lack of a conscience is a symptom of an entirely different malady than depression.

When I was seven years old, my neighbor shot all of my cats for target practice. This was a full grown, allegedly mature father of three. One of the kittens only got mortally wounded, so my dad made me 'put her down' and bury her myself. I mention this because I know what losing a beloved pet to senseless violence is like.

I've been diagnosed with chronic depression. It kind of goes hand in hand with chronic pain. I mention this because I know what chronic, clinical depression is like.

Last January, I came damn close to suicide after having a nervous breakdown. I didn't know where to go or what to do, so I told my doctor, and she hooked me up with counseling and medication. Almost a year later, I can't imagine wanting to end my life. It's too precious, and I can't believe I almost threw it away.

Chronic depression is bio-chemical, and the medication I take 'keeps me happy' because it puts back some of the seratonin (it's a bio-chemical, look it up) that my illness has depleted. I still have my full range of emotions and full clarity of thought. I just don't have to fight bio-chemistry on top of everything else life dishes out. You can look up anti-depressant medications by name on the internet and find out exactly what they are doing to your body and how it affects your behavior. There is a wealth of information at your fingertips if you just take the time to look. Isn't your own health worth that much?

You have a choice. You can refrain from getting help if you want, but your actions have consequences whether you choose to control them or not.

I don't mean to take a harsh tone here, but coddling isn't the help you need right now. I remember how horrible those days were, and I remember how I thought it was hopeless, how nothing mattered, and how lashing out violently was the answer because dammit, I was in pain.

Well, you know what? I'm still in pain. I'm not drugged out in a mindless, happy daze. There are still times when the sadness and anger are so huge it feels like I'm getting crushed under their weight. One might wonder why I bother at all, but I know why - because life is worth it. I'm worth it. Believe it or not, so are you.

 

[Stormystarr]

Shila, if anyone knows how you are feeling, I do, believe me I do. I have been at the hospital so many times for trying to commit suicide that I am now on a first name basis with each and every doctor and nurse in the Physc. ward!!! Think I'm joking? I'm not! I am sorry for what happened to your cat, I probably would've done the same thing you did, except to the parents instead for letting thier children do that. But please don't try to hurt yourself, there are people who care for you, and even though we've never spoken before, I do care what happens to you! I know that feeling of pure despair, the feeling that no matter what happens, everything will only get worse. I am going through one of those things again myself. But I just try to talk to people who will cheer me up, even if it's only a little bit, it helps. If you need to talk, I am usually on ICQ, you can talk to me on there. (BTW, I am always invisable to avoid some people) So please, send me a message if you want, even if it's to yell at me. It helps.

 

[Cheri]

So let me see if I get this straight. You slashed your arms in a possible suicide attempt because you are depressed. You don't want to do anything about this depression because anyone who could help is trying to "map your mind" or give you drugs to keep you happy. You are depressed because neighorhood "kids" broke your cats legs and ripped off it's head. In response you tracked down said "kids" and struck one, broke anothers leg and kicked the last one you managed to break his neck. Is this a fair summary?
You need help.

 

[Patryn]

Yow! And people say I'm sick. Shila, I'm gonna take you at your word here and if what you say is true, you do need help. Now. No, scratch that...if you've gotten to that point, you needed help yesterday. I didn't want to admit I suffered from depression and anxiety for the longest time. I though that same things you did. I was really, really wrong.

As for medication, I'm not on it, yet I'm still getting well. True, some people need meds, at least for a little while, but you may not be one of those people, and even if you are, it's nothing to be ashamed of. That's what they're there for, to "get you over the hump" so to speak.

It almost sounds like you posted here to brag about self mutilation and retaliaton to a violent act. Sorry, but it does. Most "cutters" try to hide the fact that they do it.

 

[Nobody Special]

Re: Depression?

I think the lack of a conscience is a symptom of an entirely different malady than depression.

When I was seven years old, my neighbor shot all of my cats for target practice. This was a full grown, allegedly mature father of three. One of the kittens only got mortally wounded, so my dad made me 'put her down' and bury her myself. I mention this because I know what losing a beloved pet to senseless violence is like.

I've been diagnosed with chronic depression. It kind of goes hand in hand with chronic pain. I mention this because I know what chronic, clinical depression is like.

Last January, I came damn close to suicide after having a nervous breakdown. I didn't know where to go or what to do, so I told my doctor, and she hooked me up with counseling and medication. Almost a year later, I can't imagine wanting to end my life. It's too precious, and I can't believe I almost threw it away.

Chronic depression is bio-chemical, and the medication I take 'keeps me happy' because it puts back some of the seratonin (it's a bio-chemical, look it up) that my illness has depleted. I still have my full range of emotions and full clarity of thought. I just don't have to fight bio-chemistry on top of everything else life dishes out. You can look up anti-depressant medications by name on the internet and find out exactly what they are doing to your body and how it affects your behavior. There is a wealth of information at your fingertips if you just take the time to look. Isn't your own health worth that much?

You have a choice. You can refrain from getting help if you want, but your actions have consequences whether you choose to control them or not.

I don't mean to take a harsh tone here, but coddling isn't the help you need right now. I remember how horrible those days were, and I remember how I thought it was hopeless, how nothing mattered, and how lashing out violently was the answer because dammit, I was in pain.

Well, you know what? I'm still in pain. I'm not drugged out in a mindless, happy daze. There are still times when the sadness and anger are so huge it feels like I'm getting crushed under their weight. One might wonder why I bother at all, but I know why - because life is worth it. I'm worth it. Believe it or not, so are you.

Yes I have been there too.. more scared of what I was going to do to myself just to get back at others.. it got so bad for me that I was waking up with thoughts of and dreams of Killing myself every morning for months at a time, and I still do, but now I can deal with it better then I did before. I finally found some people that were like me, that I could talk to and learn from, Not doctors or medication, but feeling and talking about what is bothering me to some one who has been there that doesn't talk down to me as a Psychiratrist does..

Shila You say your trying suicide cause your cat died a violent death.. I understand that and I feel for you and your cat. and if you want to talk please mail me or IM me on AOL.. if you want to talk I would be happy to talk and listen... Hope to tlak to you soon..

E

 

[teresafannin]

Patryn makes a good point about meds. I am still in therapy, still learning to deal with the loss of my son, but have resisted taking meds except for melatonin to help me sleep. I don't see myself ever totally being well, but I am trying. I have been doing fairly well, with the exception of the day after Thanksgiving. There have been very few times that I thought of doing anything to hurt myself during this last year. However, 2 weeks ago, if my fiancee hadn't been here, I probably would have done something. I try to believe that where there is life there is hope & there is help out there. Everyone has something they struggle with, whether it is illness, the loss of someone special, or even just growing older. I wish all of you the best.

 

[CelestialBody]

 

[Always]

well, the cuts healed, the cat has been very carefully cremated and a bit of the ashes placed in an amulet for me to wear, those kids are out of the hospital, and suprisingly, noone's pressin charges.

A bunch of people came to my house the other day - people who I barely even knew, from my dorm to the crew's friends - and they brought me the cutest little kitten. It's a mixed breed cat, found nearly dead on the street from animal abuse. I feel, not like they're trying to replace Silky, but like it's a new beginning. I've joined clubs and have been participating in rallies.

thanks to you guys, I was too busy sitting here waitng for replies to actually get around to the planned suicide. I talked to people and just wanted to stop by and thank anyone who even bothered to read my post.

so thanks.

 

[Nicole]

I'm glad to hear that Shila.

Please don't take what I said the wrong way, I'm just the type of person that hates to think that out there, in that big bad world, people are as sad as you were when you wrote that.

I'm all the way over here, and as much as I wanted to, I couldn't take you in my arms and hug you. Like I said a virtual hug was not going to cut it that time.

Shila I wish you the best, and good luck with your new little friend.

(((((((((((((((SHILA)))))))))))))))

 

[Guest]

Shila...

I am sorry that I missed this thread back on the 5th. Depression is much more common than I'm sure many of you may know. I've spent the past few weeks trying to help out other friends deal with their while trying to deal with my own as well. That's right. I am one of the many who suffers from cronic depression. I've had it since around 13-14 easily. 17-20 I was on Zoloft (but for whatever reason, I felt the drugs weren't helping me, and I took myself off them). I am now 23, and since I've been off the drugs, I sometimes wonder how I will cope.

Two nights ago I did something stupid. I let myself worry (too much, I might add) over nothing. I questioned the love and sincerity of someone very close to me. I began listening to music that I knew would sink me deeper into a depression. (One song being REM's Everybody Hurts...for example.) At one point in time, I turned to one of my old high school "coping skills". I cut my arm. Several times. No, I wasn't trying to kill myself. Had I wanted to do that, I would have cut my arm vertically and would have kept it surmerged under water. I mearly wanted to inflict pain on my body. I wanted to see the blood.

Now, the only reason I am telling this is because I felt the need to share. I don't want or need any "poor Tiggs" or "I'm sorry" posts to me. Please. This is Shila's thread. I've simply learned through experience that the best way to deal with your own pain/past/feelings is by sharing with others.

I hope, that in whatever small way, this post helps you Shila. You are not alone in your depression. I even know from "experience" now that several board members are in the same boat. If ever you need someone to talk to or "relate" with, my e-mail is open.

~Tiggs~
GoddessTiggs77@aol.com