Christmas Jokes

[BrainyBeauty]

Hello, my little IT girl!

(just givin da dogs some equal time)*waves to Puddles et al*
Walkin in a Doggie Wonderland

Dog tags ring, are you listenin'?
In the lane, snow is glistenin'.
It's yellow, NOT white - I've been there tonight,
Marking up my winter wonderland.

Smell that tree? That's my fragrance.
It's a sign for wand'ring vagrants;
"Avoid where I pee, it's MY pro-per-ty!
Marked up as my winter wonderland."

In the meadow dad will build a snowman,
following the classical design.
Then I'll lift my leg and let it go Man,
So all the world will know it's
mine-mine-mine!

Straight from me to the fencepost,
flows my natural incense boast;
"Stay off of my TURF, this small piece of earth,
I marked it as my winter wonderland.

 

[Isabella Thorne]

Ahhhh .... the joys of Wal-mart ...

Things to do while Xmas shopping at Wal-mart when the spouse/partner is taking his/her sweet time:

1. Get boxes of condoms & randomly put them in peoples' carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'I think we have a code 3 in house wares,' and see what happens.

5. Put M&M's on lay away.

6. Move 'CAUTION WET FLOOR' signs to carpet areas.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them if they bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When someone asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why won't you people leave me alone?'

9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

11. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from 'Mission Impossible'.

12. In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.

13. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say 'PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!!!'

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position and scream 'NO! NO! It's those voices again'.

15. Go into the fitting room and yell real loud ....'Hey we're out of toilet paper in here!'.

 

[Isabella Thorne]

GLOVES OR PANTIES

A young man wanted to purchase a Christmas gift for his sweetheart. After careful consideration, he decided to buy her a pair of gloves.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to a department store and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister bought herself a pair of panties.

During the wrapping, the clerk inadvertently mixed up the two items. The sister was handed a package containing the gloves, and the boyfriend was given the package containing the panties. When he arrived home, he placed the package under the tree, with the following note:

Darling,

This is a little gift to express my love and affection for you. I chose these because I noticed that you're not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening.

If it hadn't been for your sister, I would've chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easy to remove. They are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair that she'd been wearing for three weeks, and they were hardly soiled. I had the sales woman try them on for me, and she really looked smart.

I wish I was there to put them on for you, since other hands will likely come in contact with them before I return from my business trip. When you take them off, remember to blow into them before putting them away, since they'll naturally be damp from wearing. Also, be sure to keep them on when you clean them, or they might shrink.

Just think how many times I'll kiss them during the coming year. I hope you like them, and that you'll wear them for me on Friday night.

All my love,

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.