Christmas Cracker

[Lien_Geller]

Hi there! I submitted this story about half way through January just in time to be several weeks late for the Winter Holidays contest that it was intended to be written for. Tah dah! I'm quite proud of it, but I haven't really had much feedback on it except from my editors. (Thanks, ladies!) The comments I've gotten have been great, but there hasn't been much detail going on there.

As always, I'm looking for feedback on what I'm doing right and what I'm doing wrong so that hopefully the next thing I'll put out will be better than this one. The story is also fucking huge for the average litgoer, so I'm sorry about that if it's an issue for you.

Christmas Cracker.

I hope you like it anyway!

(Oh, and if you don't like it then don't be too hard on NaokoSmith. She gave me several suggestions on making it a whole lot better that I casually ignored because it was a Winter Holiday story that I was already submitting in January. It sucks to have an editor who's a whole lot smarter than you, just as I'm sure it sucks to edit for a writer who's desperate and way past his deadline. Krissta also helped me from turning the ending into a trainwreck. She's smarter than me too.)

 

[GoldenCojones]

Sorry this took so long. I'm going to go over the few errors I found first and then I'll give you my overall review.

On page 4:
"Yeah, you'll hear start to hear them eventually.
You've got an extra "hear" in this sentence. It happens.

Also on page four, near the bottom, there is an odd change of POV. You were firmly planted on Wendall's shoulder for a long while and then suddenly we were in Callie's mind. Then just a suddenly we were back on Wendall's shoulder. Then back to Callie. It's my opinion that even 3rd person omniscient should be consistent. If you are over one shoulder for a good while it is jarring to suddenly be in someone else's mind.

The odd segments on Christmas through me off a little Hugh and Trish felt awkward and then the meeting with Jesus was, well, odd.

The ending wrap up also felt odd. What had started as a cute Christmas story devolved at the end into an an all-out American bash. As fashionable as that is lately, it fell a little flat for me.

So for my overview. Whew! That is a LONG story for literotica. 14+ lit pages is a lot to read. But it is a good read. For as long as the story is, to have only one error (that I caught) is very good. The plot is strong and it is a good story. It kinda dragged in the middle, but came on strong again until the very end which felt a little bit like a deus ex machina made to solve a problem that didn't really exist.


So some specifics:

The beginning did not grab me. By the middle of the story I figured out why you started it that way, but in the beginning it just felt, well, a little ewww.

The POV shifts later in the story were a little disconcerting but not terribly jarring.

Characters:

Wendall. I was really hoping for a little more development of the character Wendall. He starts out a drunken, soon to be divorced, loser. But then, no we find out he is really a fantastic businessman who gave away a fortune, then he magically becomes a super stud. An interesting progression, but a little odd and perhaps it just came across a little unbelievable.

Callie. I loved this character. But I wanted more of her. I wanted there to be a story there. And there was, but you didn't really delve deep and I wanted you to.

Elina. Again I loved this character and again I wanted more.

I wish you had devoted more time to these characters and left out Hugh and Trish and Jesus and the other weirdness in the middle.

Humor. You have a great sense of humor. A little over the top at times. Have you read Piers Anthony's Xanth books? I think you would like them Please keep the humor in your stories. You do it well and it makes your stories fun to read.

Overall: A great story. A little long for Literotica but still a great read. Keep up the good work.

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I hope this is what you were looking for. All of the above is just my opinion. Take from it what you may and discard what you may as well.

 

[Lien_Geller]

Thanks, GoldenCojones!

I do have trouble sticking in one characters head from time to time. I think the trouble with going from limited to omniscient is that the reader can sometimes feel cheated. Like, if we can suddenly go across the world to learn when it's convenient about this then why can't we go over here and figure this much more important shit out? Like shifting to another characters thoughts elsewhere when we'd much rather be hearing a conversation between the two big-bads to find out what they're up to.

I think that as long as you're keeping the limitations defined enough, then you can get away with flitting into other characters heads nearby your "main" character. As long as it's clear in the writing and you don't leave your reader feeling cheated then it doesn't bother me. I find it sometimes works better than trying to show other character's feelings by their outward actions. For example, you might need to show that another character is attracted to your protagonist and the protagonist is oblivious to it. If you do this by showing their attraction, then the protagonist can come off as a completely oblivious idiot. Sometimes that can work, other times in romance it's just frustrating. If I just flit into the other character's head for a spell, however? It's easier to get the point across without going fully omniscient.

That being said, I can get why it's annoying to read and I'll try to cut down on it in future.

The story of Hugh and Trish was meant to show how much of a positive effect someone like Santa could have on people with the tiniest of influences. Although I again get that it's essentially a story within a story, and in retrospect if I hadn't been fart-arsing about with it so much I'd probably have finished in time for the competition this was written for!

The bashing at the end was largely aimed at the American government, and certain crazier aspects of American culture. It's actually the American people who put an end to their nonsense. Which I saw as more of a compliment.

Also, you should let hippie Jesus into your heart, dude. Hippie Jesus loves you.

Seriously though, thanks for the feedback! This story was rushed out and I think it shows in the things you've pointed out. I had a proper "KAAAAAAAAAAAAHN!" moment when you pointed out that extra "hear" given how much I went over this thing despite it being mid-January. Anyway, I know it's a big one to get through, so thanks so much for sticking with it, you've been very helpful, and I'm glad I made you laugh. Cheers!