It is now thought that the number of people who perished in the world trade centre attacks on 11th September may be as low as three.
Original estimates of 6,000 were probably much larger due to an unprecedented "fuck me" factor, say psychologists.
Counselors are on standby as New Yorkers face the trauma of discovering they've been more upset than they needed to be.
On hearing the news Mayor Guliani said " I feel rather stupid" and locked himself in his house.
The mayor already faces criticism over his proposal to keep Ground Zero shrouded in smoke after the dust cleared briefly last week and revealed that the South Tower was still standing.
President Bush said this evening "these new figures make no difference to anything - three dead is still three too many - as Saddam Hussein is about to find out"
From The Day Today
MORRIS: The American car company General Motors have today announced a cut in their workforce at their plant in Detroit. Our economics correspondent, Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan is there at the moment. Peter, what's going on?
O'HANRAHA-HANRAHAN: Chris, it's a mass redundancy measure, it's the biggest layoff in American industrial history. 35,000 jobs in one fell swoop. Gone!
MORRIS: 35 *thousand*?
O'HANRAHA-HANRAHAN: Yes.
MORRIS: Peter, there's only 25,000 people at the plant!
O'HANRAHA-HANRAHAN: That's right Chris, mass redundancy on an unprecedented scale.
MORRIS: Would you mind telling me how the plant can function on minus 10,000 workers?
O'HANRAHA-HANRAHAN: I don't know Chris, you tell me.
MORRIS: I'll tell you what, Peter, you mean 35 *hundred* workers have been sacked.
O'HANRAHA-HANRAHAN: No, 35,000, it's all here. [He holds up his notes]
MORRIS: Let me see what you've got down there!
O'HANRAHA-HANRAHAN: Er, 35 hundred, you were right, I made a mistake.
MORRIS: Peter, I want to see it. I don't want to hear anything more out of your mouth, I don't believe it. Now show me your notes.
O'HANRAHA-HANRAHAN: No.
MORRIS: Yes!
O'HANRAHA-HANRAHAN: It's 35 hundred.
MORRIS: Show me, I don't believe what you're saying. I just want to see the numbers.
[O'Hanraha-hanrahan brings his notes in view of the camera for a moment.]
MORRIS: Hold them up and keep them up!
[The back of the notes appear.]
MORRIS: And rotate them 180 degrees in my favour! Do it!
[O'Hanraha-hanrahan shame-facedly does so. The notes are scruffy and covered with doodles.]
MORRIS: What's that?
O'HANRAHA-HANRAHAN: I don't have a monitor, Chris, I can't see-
MORRIS: You know what I'm talking about, it's just above your right eye. Yes.
O'HANRAHA-HANRAHAN: A cobweb.
MORRIS: And how's a cobweb going to dig you out of your numerical mess?
O'HANRAHA-HANRAHAN: I don't know.
MORRIS: Peter, you're lying in a news grave. Do you know what's written on your headstone?
O'HANRAHA-HANRAHAN: News.
MORRIS: Peter, thank you. [Morris turns back to the camera and smiles] Peter O'Hanraha- hanrahan, live in Detroit.
GUEST1: "... Exactly! The way they are _crushed_ inside those lorrys..."
GUEST2: "...vets hit them with planks - _vets_ -"
GUEST3: "...and hormones make them so huge they're in agony!"
CM: "Listen _boo-hoo_ about calves, they do that with crabs, I don't see you weeping about crabs."
GUEST2: "Well I think every animal has as much right to decent treatment as we do."
CM: "You're _wrong_ - and you're a _grotesquely ugly freak!_"
(Stunned silence)
CM: "Thanks."
(Chris leaves the "room", actually a studio mock-up - he addresses the CAMERA)
TITLE: (Christopher Morris)
CM: "Animal rights. It's an extremely controversial subject, and it's not just the odd dinner party punch-up over squealing meat."
(Slaps a side of meat, strung up abbatoir style)
CM: "It's the Spaniards chucking horses out of church towers, the Chinese sucking the brains out of live monkeys, and now this - a shocking example taken from a recent Libyan news."
CUT TO:
LIBYAN NEWS REPORT (Libyan news footage of barbaric festivities)
TITLE: (WORLD FACTS AT NIGHT, Blessed Action Channel)
VOICEOVER: Chris Morris
CM: "The footage shows a ritual from the feast of "Aid A Labd Dah", an outdoor celebration, in which the men of Tripoli have a great time - but the same can not be said for their cattle. At the climax of the feast, a cow is rounded up, and driven into a metal tube - a tube which is charged with explosives."
(The cow is seemingly fired from the makeshift cannon)
CM: "The cow is fired through the air, and lands in a crunched-up bone-heap. Running men then clobber any remaining life out of it, with their fists and feet and sticks. The body is dragged about, and then left for the dogs and jackals. And possibly scorpions if they eat meat I don't know."
CUT TO:
STUDIO: (Chris Morris, hanging upside down next to sides of meat)
CM: "Tonight on Brass Eye - animals; are we too nice, or too nasty?"
