Chick lit meets porn.

[Amy Sweet]

begging for reads, votes, feedback...

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=196389

 

[johncarter]

Overall, not bad and a refreshing change. I admit to jumping around to get to the action, of which there is little ..... do you plan to finish this? If it's to be "erotica" I'd expect more sexual situations.

If you're interested in proofreading...

"She figures that if I make the guy wait, he'll buy my the ring."

(buy me the ring)

"We quickly decided we both liked the guy green better than the other one who was loud and obnoxious,"

(guy in green)

 

[Amy Sweet]

Overall, not bad and a refreshing change. I admit to jumping around to get to the action, of which there is little ..... do you plan to finish this? If it's to be "erotica" I'd expect more sexual situations.


(guy in green)

Trust me- it gets explicit. (keep reading)

There are 7 chapters up, more to come. (they are complete, but the mods will only post them 1 every couple of days)

http://english.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=449195&page=submissions

 

[Sigmund_Freud]

Hi Amy,

Whew - that's a lot of reading to get through, and truth be told, I won't be able to this weekend. But can I talk about the first chapter?

I like your chickilt-meets-erotica concept - it's nice to have a novel that doesn't revolve entirely around cliched sex scenes, but has a good dollop of sex nonetheless. I'm also always partial to women who forget to wear panties underneath their skirts, so perhaps it's a conflict of interest to continue, but...

I think in the introductory chapter to "Imperfect Beauty," we don't really find the story until the evening out begins. Your exposition from the opening until that point doesn't seem to have a strong enough focus, although I have no doubt it's to get us acquainted with our heroine. So it's hard to stay with, and needs a clearer central theme to start with and come back to (see below).

I did note your disclaimer about the need for volume- and there is a proud tradition of doing just that, such as Dickens' Pickwick Papers. I also recall Jules Verne painstakingly starting at - the - beginning, and writing endlessly, certainly in the books I read (20,000 Leagues Under the Sea and Journey to the Centre of the Earth), and this is a common Victorian narrative convention. Thus I think the need for the focus is required to draw me in and make me forget I'm reading. I forgot I was reading when I reached your painting scenes of her friend (and soon to be lover). Well done!!

Thus perhaps if your phone conversation with mother was axed and made a quick flashback, and you (as a suggestion) focus on her painting "Mischief." There were times it almost went off into the sensual, and I thought, why not start off the story there and show, rather than tell, what her painting means to her. I'd like to add "less exposition, more dialogue" - but that clears up, as I've mentioned, and we also have the volume requirement, so the work is cut out for you.

Hope that helps!

Sigmund Freud
http://english.literotica.com:81/stories/showstory.php?id=202490

 

[Amy Sweet]

Hi Amy,
But can I talk about the first chapter?

I like your chickilt-meets-erotica concept - it's nice to have a novel that doesn't revolve entirely around cliched sex scenes, but has a good dollop of sex nonetheless.

I think in the introductory chapter to "Imperfect Beauty," we don't really find the story until the evening out begins. Your exposition from the opening until that point doesn't seem to have a strong enough focus, although I have no doubt it's to get us acquainted with our heroine. So it's hard to stay with, and needs a clearer central theme to start with and come back to (see below).

I did note your disclaimer about the need for volume- and there is a proud tradition of doing just that, such as Dickens' Pickwick Papers. I also recall Jules Verne painstakingly starting at - the - beginning, and writing endlessly, certainly in the books I read (20,000 Leagues Under the Sea and Journey to the Centre of the Earth), and this is a common Victorian narrative convention. Thus I think the need for the focus is required to draw me in and make me forget I'm reading. I forgot I was reading when I reached your painting scenes of her friend (and soon to be lover). Well done!!

Thus perhaps if your phone conversation with mother was axed and made a quick flashback, and you (as a suggestion) focus on her painting "Mischief." There were times it almost went off into the sensual, and I thought, why not start off the story there and show, rather than tell, what her painting means to her. I'd like to add "less exposition, more dialogue" - but that clears up, as I've mentioned, and we also have the volume requirement, so the work is cut out for you.

Hope that helps!

Sigmund Freud
http://english.literotica.com:81/stories/showstory.php?id=202490

Thank you.

Perhaps my disclaimer is part of the reason why I didn't get many reads

You're suggestions for rearangement are quite helpful. Basicly, what we have here is a first draft. I expect that it will need work, especially tightening- and in other cases, perhaps expansion of things that were too quickly glossed over.

Big hugs to all who are willing to offer feedback and encouragement. I only want to make my story the best it can be