Chiara and Annie - My first story

[Chiara23]

This was my first submission to any online community. If you've read it I hope you enjoyed it. Any and all feedback is welcome.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=492113

Here's the link.

Let me know. Kisses,

Chiara

 

[RedJohnny]

Chiara -

Congratulations on posting your first story! I hope there are many more to come.

Since you've called it Ch. 1, I'm assuming that you plan for there to be more "adventures" for Chiara and Annie. Because of that, you've got more time to do more character development. Why should we care about this girl and what happens to her?

Right now you've basically got the Cliff Notes version of a story: girl meets girl, girls get along for a few weeks, girls who have never done anything with another woman spontaneously have sex with a quick question of "What if it changes our friendship?" that is quickly dismissed.

There's no tension in the story. There's no risk. There's no drama. Chiara might come from a strict religious background, making her attraction to Annie the source of emotional turmoil. Annie has never done anything with another woman, but knew that she had to have sex with Chiara as soon as they met? It's just too easy for them, and that makes the story less interesting. There's no nervousness about what they do with each other sexually - even though it's both of their first time with another woman.

One of my own pet peeves is the use of measurements. Saying that Annie is 36d-26-34 and Chiara is 32a-22-28, to me, just lazy. Make the effort to write a description that helps the reader imagine what they look like without resorting to statistics. In the case of this story, you give us Annie's measurements and then when it comes to Chiara's you say, "For those that give a shit, my measurements are..." Since Chiara tells us what Annie's measurements are, the disparaging way she she gives us her own is a little jarring.

From a reader perspective, writing in the 1st person may put some readers off, because half (or more) of your audience can't really relate to the narrator. If there's a reason to write in the first person (ie some aspect of the story that requires us to look at things from her perspective), then that's a valid choice to make, but every choice you make about the story should have a purpose.

The hardest thing about any creative project is the idea, and you've got that, and you've got a framework to build own with what you've already done.

I hope this helps.

Good luck and I look forward to seeing the next chapter!

 

[Chiara23]

Feedback

Thanks for your feed back, I appreciate your input and will take what you've said to heart. I hope to improve my skill and make my stories more enjoyable for a wider audience.

 

[soflabbwlvr]

I liked it.

I liked this story a little more than redjohnny seemed to, but there are some areas where it could use some improvement. Everything before the shower scene was choppy and felt rushed, as though you could not wait to get to the sexual part of the story. We know nothing about these characters except that chiara is a tiny little waif with parents, and annie is a beautiful amazon with rather large breasts for such a tall woman. More detail-- and not just about their physical appearances-- would have been helpful. I agree with redjohnny that listing the girls' measurements is a poor substitute for decribing their appearances. I could be wrong, but I don't think that girls go around talking about their measurements to one another. That is a trait men exhibit, and when you are wrting about two women, it just seems out of place.

On a similar note, there is considerable disagreement about describing breasts and breast size. Most authors in this forum will tell you not to mention cup size, but I happen to be in the minority that finds it a useful descriptive term. Men and women both use cup size as shorthand for breast size all the time. Everyone knows what an A cup looks like compared to a D cup. More descriptive terms are always helpful, but not always necessary.

I have to commend you for the shower scene. That part of the story was very well written. The action sounded real. The conversation sounded very real. While reading that part, I was convinced that the seduction actually occurred, and it happened just the way you portrayed it in the story.

The rest of the sex scene was a little bit mechanical. Add some emotion, and it is both a hotter and more convincing read. As a first time lesbian experience, it seems to me that some barriers were broken that would have created a flood of conflicting emotions. Or maybe not, but either way, we don't really know how either of these girls were feeling, other than horny.

I disagree with redjohnny as to the use of the first person narrative voice. As a beginning writer that is a good place to start, especially if you are writing from true life experiences. It works very well in this story.

Eventually, when you create characters and situations that require a different viewpoint, your use of the third person narrative will evolve naturally. Don't force it. Just be consistent in whichever voice you use in a particular story.

I look forward to reading the next chapter.

 

[Hotcappucino]

No need to put in exact measurements. IMO, it sounds very cheesy. The only place you'll find stories with measurements and cup sizes are in porn, and usually poorly written porn.

You don't need to make your characters "perfect." That is, they don't need to be models, All-American jocks, etc. The best characters are average people, with average appearances but with interesting personalities that your readers can relate to. I'm not saying that you can't include a character that looks like a model, but if you do, at least don't explicitly say that she looks like a model. Find some other way of describing her.

I like first person POV, because it can create a sense of intimacy with the reader. But it can sound very unnatural for the narrator to describe themselves physically, and it's also more challenging to dramatize the thoughts and emotions of the other characters as well as bring out their backstory.

I agree with soflabbwlvr that the story sounds rushed, which a lot of beginning writers tend to do. The focus seems to get to the sex as quickly as possible and neglect any sort of character and plot development. The shower scene appears too suddenly and seems unnatural based on what we know (or don't know) about the characters. There is nothing to suggest what motivates two otherwise heterosexual girls (and your readers are going to assume that they are heterosexual unless you add drama or dialog in your story to make your audience think differently) to spontaneously, and both enthusiastically, engage in a lesbian act.

I would have expected Chiara to react with shock and/or revulsion at Annie jumping into the shower, at least at first. And maybe that would be a good way of adding tension and conflict to the plot. In fact, the whole series of stories could center around Chiara's emotional arc of starting off straight, possibly unsure of her sexuality or questioning her sexuality, and discovering and accepting that she is a lesbian (or, at least, bisexual).

Congratulations on getting your first story out. Hopefully you are motiviated to become a writer of good stories and not just a writer of good sex scenes. There are a lot of resources available on Literotica that will help you become both. Writing a good story does take a lot more effort (a lot!), but it will add a richer quality to your sex scenes when you have characters whom your readers care about and can relate to.