Cheesy lines you have written that amuse the Hell out of you

[PapaRomantic]

In my story Amicable No More, a man's wife (she's a nurse, works only at nights) tells him she doesn't love him and she's in fact seeing their accountant, though she claims she hasn't had sex with him yet. After their amicable divorce, he finds out from a co-worker of hers that she's fucking doctors in an on-call room in the middle of the night, and she tells her colleagues that she has permission because they are in an open marriage and he often has his girlfriend sleeping with him in their bed on the nights the wife works.

So of course he has a change of heart, and his FWB tells him that the ex-wife needs to understand the pain of being cheated on, so the FWB volunteers to fuck the accountant (I know, far-fetched) and videos it, and they send it to the ex-wife, and it has the desired resulted they had hoped for.

The FWB said the accountant was a complete pig, so when the man teasingly says there must be hundreds of other accountants in the city, she says, "Don't worry about that, Ken - so far I've not met one that knows how to file a long form like you do!"

I hope you get it, because out of 121 comments on that story, only one mentioned that line, which disappointed me tremendously! But it was the LW readers, so there's that...

 

[Not2Pervy]

In my holiday romance Hometown Girl Gets a Second Look a couple stranded together in an abandoned house during a holiday snowstorm are naked in front of a fire. Communications are down so the families they’ve been trying to get home to are no doubt worried sick.

The man remarks, “I wonder what they’d say if they could see us now?”

The woman replies, “My mom wants grandchildren so bad she’d probably say, ‘Fuck her again!’”

 

[big_cane_sugar]

I'm not very good at that kind of narrative one-liner but sometimes I manage some to create some lines of dialogue that amuse me. More sweet and cute and flirty than dirty. From a romance with a relatively innocent FMC and a not-at-all innocent MMC:

We arranged for me to call her at midnight my time so she could wish me a happy New Year’s and then again at midnight her time so I could wish her the same thing. We counted down and made kissing sounds into the phone.

“Did I use too much tongue that time?” I joked.

“Not at all,” she answered. “But did it hurt when I bit it? Because if not I can bite harder next time.”

“Wow! I can’t wait for next New Year’s.”

“Oh my god,” she laughed. “That's not what I meant! I was punishing you!”

“I know. That made it even better. So what are we doing on Valentine’s?”

“Taping your mouth shut.”

“Good start. And then?”

“You’re horrible!” she roared happily. “Do you make everything dirty?”

“Only for you,” I promised.

“That’s good, then. It’s okay if it’s only for me.”

“I hope you don’t let anyone else talk to you like this.”

“No one else has ever even tried.”

“So I’m popping your verbal cherry, so to speak.”

She didn’t reply. Eventually I had to:

“Sorry.”

“It’s okay. I don’t mind. I just have no idea what to say to you sometimes.”

“You really don’t mind? I could stop. Or take it easier.”

“I really don’t mind. I don’t want you to stop. It’s fun. But if you were here, I’d hit you.”

“If I were there, I’d like it.”

“Me too. But I’d hit you again for saying so.”

 

[StillStunned]

This is one that I came up with nearly 25 years ago, before my wife and I were even dating, and she laughed at it: "Watch out, watch out, Jack Shit is about."

Now I've finally got the chance to use it in a story.

 

[rmgeorge]

This from an upcoming story. She had just spent a couple of hours unloading emotional baggage to him:
-----

“I think that you need to stay here tonight.”

“Okay. Are you sure?”

“Very sure. You’ve opened up a lot of old wounds today, and I don’t think that it would be good for your emotional health to go home and be alone.” She stood there looking at him, not saying anything again. He knew that she was thinking about something, just not what.

“Who are you? What did I do to deserve you?”

“I’m just me, the only way that I’ve ever known how to be me. But I keep asking myself the same question: What did I do to deserve you?”

“I’m just this battered heap of a woman. You don’t deserve that.”

“I don’t think that you’re battered, let alone deep fried,” he tried hard not to grin but failed. She groaned at him, so he plowed on. “Your past is what made you the person you are now, the person that makes me very happy just the way she is. I stopped trying to find someone a long time ago. You found me, and I’m very glad that you did,” he said just before he kissed her again.
-----

Ridiculously pleased with myself for slipping a total groaner into the story for some reason. My editor (wife) will likely groan as well.

 

[big_cane_sugar]

I seemed to be taking to my femme fatale role like a fuck to daughter.

I've been admiring this line for about 36 hours now. If I'd thought of that I'd cross stitch it onto a pillowcase.

 

[EmilyMiller]

I've been admiring this line for about 36 hours now. If I'd thought of that I'd cross stitch it onto a pillowcase.

Thank you - I can’t imagine it’s original

 

[iwatchus]

You are very original Emily

 

[SkyBubble]

In a Taboo-adjacent story I’m working on for Dark Fairytales (no actual blood relatives involved - rather the new husband of a young woman’s step-mother, because of… reasons) I ended up writing:

I seemed to be taking to my femme fatale role like a fuck to daughter.

And I’m still grinning.

Woth me, it's mostly titles. I like to pun on characters' names (A Bed of Rosemary) or use some other twist on teh material in the title.

 

[WeShallUnclench]

My stories got lots of them. They're really just vehicles for stringing this stuff together. I amuse myself to no end.

From my summer contest entry 'Humping for glory':

He put one of his big, warm hands on her shoulder and cleared his throat. "Bay-bee, just as in ancient times, a salmon would return to her summer nesting grounds in the tundra, and a migratory bird would swim up the stream she was born in, you too will face whatever hardship is needed to get stoned in my basement."

Also:

"Uhm, goddess?" he objected. "You're no longer really doing anything, lazy buns."

"Shut your fucking fuck," she gasped, surprised at the urgency in her nonsense statement. There was a wrath, growing within her. A primal darkness, that felt something slip away from between its blocky teeth without her permission.

And while we are at it, from 'Expedition Fuck Tent':

If I wasn't on the pill, Heather Farnswert thought, I would get so fucking pregnant right now. My tummy would swell up like a beached whale and then I would birth an entire fucking race of absurdly handsome muscular people. Homo Sapiens Farnswertii... Well, maybe not "sapiens".

 

[big_cane_sugar]

Inspired by this thread, I tried to include a few more cheesy lines in my most recent story (Two Trade Up, Everyone Goes Down). I honestly don't recommend reading it (it's just for fun) but my attempts at good cheesy lines in honor of this thread include this bit of dialogue:

"You're a parody of yourself."

"I wish I was but I can't get my mouth all the way down there."

Also:

"Esmeralda?" Cody asked, attempting a Spanish accent with all the grace of an albatross somersaulting headfirst into a rock. He raised her hand to his lips and bowed to kiss it. "Bon chantée, I assure you."

I'm a little worried that some readers will think that I, your unfortunate author, believe "Bon chantée" is a phrase that exists, but that is a risk worth taking. I worked harder on the albatross bit than I want to admit.

An appreciation of the great Ring Lardner:

"Shut up, bitch," Cody explained.

And a somewhat more creative version of that:

"Hey!" someone spoke from inside a stall. "You two aren't alone in here!"

"Sorry," Gracie sang.

"Fuck you!" Esme clarified.

Just good clean fun, I hope.

Also, since the wife's lover is a firefighter and her story climaxes with a lot of water sports courtesy of the men at the fire station, I felt rather proud of myself for coming up with, "Burning Bachelorettes. The finest in fully nude reality television! She's down to six guys and I want to know which ones get a rise and which ones get a rose."

 

[StillStunned]

"Your wish is my command."
"What?" she exclaimed. "You never do anything I ask."
He gave a smirk. "That's because I can't stand being bossed around."