check out my first story submission

[thehierophant]

I have been reading and writing for years, but only recently got interested in erotica.
I have submitted my first story, and intend on submitting more. The second story is almost complete.
I would like some feedback from more experienced erotica readers/writers. All comments, good and bad, welcome.


http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=72148

 

[astuffedshirt_perv]

Sorry, don't do incest.

 

[gauchecritic]

Before anything else, I'll point out that I don't consider cousins to be incest, so as soon as I saw the word it immediately took a particular thrill away from what turned out to be a very entertaining story.

As with life, a lot of the thrill of conquest/consumation is in the chase. You did this very well. Building up a 'liaison dangerouse' (sp) and breaking off so as to keep the reader hooked.

but you nearly killed it stone dead with:

"I turned her round and propelled her towards the door to her room, turned and opened my own door before she could recover enough to come back in my direction, and entered. I closed the door and locked it."

I thought the sex scenes were a bit stilted. Considering that the rest of the story, the set up, situations and descriptions were all well drawn.

As for your penultimate closing line:

"As I pulled myself out of Angela, and fell down on the bed beside her, she rolled over and draped an arm and leg over me. "

This was completely devoid of any of the passion which you had spent a long time hinting at. Very mechanical and dissappointing.

"When Angela climaxed, she bit down on her own lip so as not to scream, and my cum burst forth into her at the same time. We orgasmed together, and our lips met as we kissed with overwhelming passion and affection in celebration of the most heart wrenching orgasm any of us had ever experienced."

Apart from the fact that I hate it when people come together (it is so unlifelike) you say the same thing twice in succession in one paragraph and manage to contradict yourself at the same time.

Unless she tells you (which she doesn't) how could you possibly know it was the most heart wrenching orgasm she has ever felt?
(And it should be either of us not any of us, unless there was someone else there who you failed to mention?)

Those things aside I thought it was a well written, nicely paced piece of work which would have made me hard/wet (bit of gender confusion maintainance there) had the sex scenes been as thoughtfully written as the main body of the work.

Well done over all though and keep at it.

Gauche