Cheating

[sweetnpetite]

If a person in a relationship cheats, and they break up but then they get back together, how long should this person have to pay for their mistake?

 

[Boota]

They shouldn't have to pay at all. They should either be forgiven or not forgiven. If they can't be forgiven then the relationship should just end for good. I know I could never forgive.

 

[Boxlicker101]

If a person in a relationship cheats, and they break up but then they get back together, how long should this person have to pay for their mistake?

This is strictly up to the individuals involved and the nature of the "cheating". If it was a drunken indiscretion, that is one thing but a carefully planned affair of long duration is quite another.

I will say that I don't think that balance sheets should be kept, though. One shouldn't say "You cheated so now I can".

I will also assume you mean cheating, as in sexually, not cheating in a friendly game of cards or something like that.

 

[Dirt Man]

They shouldn't have to pay at all. They should either be forgiven or not forgiven. If they can't be forgiven then the relationship should just end for good. I know I could never forgive.

It depends, were the two on a break? If so than can it be classified as cheating? I don't think so.


As Always
I Am the
Dirt Man

 

[sweetnpetite]

The two were not on a break.

the cheater has a purly sexual thing going for about a year with a co-worker. This ended a little over two years ago.

I don't mention the sex of either participent in order to eliminate possible gender bias in answer, or claims of such.

 

[Boxlicker101]

If the cheating in question was a long lasting affair like that, that person could not be trusted again. I would advise never taking him or her back but if the other person does take him or her back, the slate should be wiped clean. In other words, start fresh but be aware of what might happen.

 

[MaxSebastian]

That's outrageous! Call Governor Schwarzenegger! Dust off that electric chair!

 

[English Lady]

to take somebody back after they have cheated like that they must be completely forgiven. I am not saying forgotten just forgiven. you can't sort of forgive someone enough to have them back but then to throw their cheating in their face all the time. thats not a relationship worth being in for either partner.

 

[littleliargirly]

If the person who was cheated on takes the cheater back than I don't think they should "make them pay" but maybe do relationship counseling? You don't want to be in a relationship holding grudges.

(English Lady thank you for the welcome on the other thread.)

 

[English Lady]

(my pleasure littleliargirly...and i repeat the welcome )

 

[miss_honeypot]

Doesn't the very nature of cheating suggest that something is missing in the relationship, that there is something that the guilty party is missing and searching for somewhere else? I think that in most cases taking the person back is the wrong idea, the trust has been blown and it can never fully return. Doubt always lingers in a person's mind...and if someone has done something to produce this doubt then you'll always suspect.

Oh, and i don't believe drunken indescretions are any different from planned affairs. When you're drunk, you're still you, the person you become is essentially the 'real' you that you rarely let out...I don't believe that alcohol causes someone to make a mistake, it simply allows them to let go of the reasons why they may not do it without the alcohol - be it guilt, fear or shame. You're still the same person under the influence, with all the same instincts, only without a couple of inhibitions. It's just as bad in my opinion.

 

[upshot]

cheating and such

Shouldn't you ask: "Where's this going?"? Is it somone worth forgiving or a jerk that one should forget? Life is filled with grey areas, the internet lends itself to the black and white. So....

How do you answer the question: "If a person in a relationship cheats, and they break up but then they get back together, how long should this person have to pay for their mistake?"

Are they worth it? Really? If the relationship is honest then you pay until the paying is done. If you are putting a "meter" on your affection it will NEVER work.

Emotions.....that's crazy stuff.

 

[Ravishing]

To echo the sentiments of everyone here. If your forgiven, you shouldn't keep having your nose rubbed in the fact you did it. Regardless of the how's, why's and what not's. It was done, yes. But they also claimed to have 'something' enough to forgive you.

Echoing someone else's comment, I'd think relationship councilling, or simply breaking up. If in a two year period after you've been taken back the person is still acting as though they never said, "Oh I forgive you, let's give it another go." Then that should be it. Part ways. Neither of them needs it.

~ Melting Ravishing ~

 

[Colleen Thomas]

In my opinion, they are never done paying for it. Not in terms of having it thrown back in their face every day or having to do pennance, but in terms of the amount of trust thier partner gives and the amount of suspicion it takes to bring that trust back into question.

The ex-cheater can be good for another five years, the absolute model of an attentive, loving partner, but the first time he/she has car trouble on the freeway and has to call and say "Honey, I've had a breakdown on I-whatever, I am going to be late." the aggrieved party is going to wonder. So in a sense you never stop paying for it.

It takes much time and effort to build trust, it only takes suspicion, not proof to destroy it. If proof is provided or admission made of breaking it, you will never get it back to the same level it was when you broke it, IMHO.

-Colly

 

[raphy]

If a person in a relationship cheats, and they break up but then they get back together, how long should this person have to pay for their mistake?

I don't think relationships work that way. It's not like 'jail time'.. You didn't take the trash out, you do 1 day in the doghouse, and your debt to the relationship is paid off. You forgot an anniversary, that's 1 week, maybe less with good conduct - And you're on parole when you come out.

I don't think it works that way in a relationship. You can't say 'You cheated on me, I sentence you to 9 to 12 months mistrust on my part, minimum of 6 months, no remission for good behaviour.'

Or at least, it sure wouldn't work that way for me. Emotions aren't like the 'law' .. When you rob someone's house, the law might state that you've paid your debt to society after 3 to 5 years, but the person who's house you've robbed might not see it that way. I mean, he's not going to walk up to you after you get out of prison and say 'You've done your time, we're square now.'

The law's happy, but people are much less trusting.

I've been cheated on before. And, I'll admit, I've done the cheating - Not in the same relationship.

For me, it's about two different things - Trust, and forgiveness. You can forgive someone, but that doesn't mean you trust them. Forgiveness is pretty easy really. Forgiveness is saying 'I don't want to break your kneecaps in revenge' that'e easy to say, especially if you don't give a shit about the other person anymore.

When I was the cheater, my S.O. never found out about the 3 one-night stands that I'd had, so I'd never had to beg forgiveness (not that I would have anyway, the relationship was dead and done, which is why I did it)

When I was cheated on, it was my wife (now ex-wife) and by the time I found out about it, it was easy to forgive her, because I didn't care about her anymore. Emotionally I was in a place where she couldn't upset me, because I cared nothing for her at that time - Which meant it was very easy to forgive her.

I'd never trust her again though.

I think I would find it exceptionally hard to trust someone after they've cheated on me; partly because I've been there, I've done the cheating. I know what leads a person to it, and unless serious relationship changes are made, those factors just don't go away.

Also, as harsh as it sounds, I don't tend to give people second chances. You fuck up in your relationship with me (be it friendship or romantic relationship, or professional working relationship), you're done. I won't ever trust you again. I probably won't ever talk to you again, unless circumstances dictate that I have to.

So I guess the upshot of all this rambling is that I don't think you can 'pay' for your mistake. Either you get forgiven and re-trusted, or you don't. And the person who you hurt has to make that decision based on just how sincere he or she thinks your apology is.

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me.

 

[Boxlicker101]

That's outrageous! Call Governor Schwarzenegger! Dust off that electric chair!

Calif has nver used the electric chair. We used to hang people and then we used the gas chamber and now it is lethal injection.

 

[raphy]

Calif has nver used the electric chair. We used to hang people and then we used the gas chamber and now it is lethal injection.

What's wrong with a good old-fashioned beheading, that's what I say!!

 

[Colleen Thomas]

What's wrong with a good old-fashioned beheading, that's what I say!!

Have to watch those English transplants, next thing you know he'll be calling for drawing and quarting

-Colly

 

[Boxlicker101]

quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Originally posted by Boxlicker101
Calif has nver used the electric chair. We used to hang people and then we used the gas chamber and now it is lethal injection.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Then, Raphy asked:
What's wrong with a good old-fashioned beheading, that's what I say!!


I say:
For years, hanging was the all-American method. This was probably copied from England. Beheading was probably considered to be foreign and messy. Then people started using all kinds of new-fangled methods like electric chairs and gas chambers and whatnot. Things have gone downhill since then. I say, bring back public hanging! Preferably at noon. Hang them high at high noon.

 

[Guest]

I am not quibbling here, but call it what it is - betrayal and infidelity. Cheating is for games and exams.

A personal betrayal is exquisitely painful, nearly like a death; it can feel like a death of self even. Forgiveness is easy if you love the person, but loss of faith is the undeserved punishment for the victim. If the betrayer loves you enough they might understand this. Then it's a matter of profound communication and time.

It's not a matter of 'paying', Sweet, but if someone wonders how long it should take to 'pay', then perhaps the damage was irreparable. It's between the two persons only, no one else can judge it.

Perdita

 

[SensualCealy]

Im all for the beheading, but I want it to be the right head, not the one on his shoulders!!! That way there is no chance that he would ever cheat with his "new" woman. They say once a cheater, always a cheater. It would take a pretty strong person to accept someones cheating, you would always be questioning what he is doing, where he is going and who he is with. (vise versa for females)

I personally wouldnt take him or her back only on those thoughts. Its too hard to deal with life as it is without having to question someones travels.

My question is- how do you prove he didnt fool around when you find something that makes you question what he is up to?

Cealy

 

[Lostdriver1964]

if they get back together i guess all the bad is passed over so no one has to pay....

 

[RenzaJones]

I would think the first thing one would do is examine the reason for the cheating and try to go from there if the relationship is to be rebuilt. As for paying there's no way to regain trust that has been betrayed offering forgiveness is one thing completly getting over betrayal is another thing altoghther.

 

[TheEarl]

If the cheater is worth the effort to get back together with, then actually taking them back is forgiveness. Whether it'd be forgotten is different. As people would say, there'd always be the suspicion and the distrust, but the bigger thing to me would be the awkwardness. The strange silences, the breaks in conversation, the looks. How do you go back to normal with someone who you know has been lying to you, not just about the affair, but every time they tell you that you're special and that they love you? How do you love someone who has been patently proving they don't love you back?

I'm not sure I could take someone back after that. Even if it broke my heart, I couldn't do it. And I'd never do the same to someone else.

The Earl

 

[curious2c]

A long long time ago...my wife cheated on me. (betrayed my trust, fucked around, however one wants to put it) It took about two months before I could be the least bit comfortable around her. Two or three years before I felt I could trust her at all again. And...the hard part...it still hurts just like yesterday when I recall it. The difference is I know she was very sorry and repentant. I know that it never happened again. But that single moment of my finding out...that will be with me forever.

I forgave her and all. I have never brought it up since I forgave her either. Not to say I didn't lose sleep over it since then. Something that nobody should have to suffer through ever.

Looking back, I still feel that I made the right choice in keeping her close to me. Very...mixed I know, but the grey is here and there and everywhere.