cheating

[sxylegs]

i just wanted to let everyone know that i made a appointment with a shrink but it isn't untill the 12th of sept. untill then i will have to bury it inside myself. i told hubby about it and he said he will stand by me with whatever i decide and support me that he justs wants to put this all in the past and move on.
so thank you all very much for listening to me and supporting me
THANK YOU
Heather

Hi Heather......
Great on going to counceling......but you really have to sit down and figure out what you want........
Also did it ever occur to you that you could climb on top of your husband and face him or face his feet......Guys seem to like that......and it is different from missionary...or you could get with another couple and watch each other.....there are ways to add to the excitement without touching another person.....

Good luck......I have been cheated on and just tried to put it in the back of my mind........

 

[burrish]

there was a comment about why is he still talking with the other woman and i would like to say that he is not, we both cut off all connections with year two years ago when all this came out the first time, since then my and hubby have sat down and had long converstations on why it started in the first place. at the time he said he was bored with out sex life and i spent a lot of time at work and the way i was raised we didn't show affection so i didn't show much of it either. but he swore at the time there was sex involved between the two of them just talk. since then i have done a 180 and i am very affectionate and we sit down alot and talk about all of our feelings and stuff. but when we sat down to talk about what a threesome would be like and stuff i said there could never be another woman involved because of all my hurt from before, that is when he proceded to tell me that he knows that he wants only me and that he knows he could never leave me because he has tested it on accident and that is how he knows he is sure about being with me and loving only me. well it hurt even more because one he did do it and second he has been lying for the past two years. okosu i would really like to believe you that he told me that just to try a 3some but why would anyone lye about haveing sex with someone else when they know that that could jeaprdize the relationship even more.. sxylegs since everything happened the first time we have become more open about our feelings and our expectations and have done alot of new things, i love it on top. i just wish my legs didn't get tired so soon. but since he has told me that he did in fact have sex with her, i don't want to have sex with him and i don't know if and how to trust him ever again even after he said he knows that it was wrong and that it would never happened again. i can't stop getting mental pics. in my mind so anyway i go see the shrink on the 12th and i will report back and let you all know how it went. again thank you all for your support and help!!!!!

 

[sheath]

Sheath???

Did you ever think of becoming a counselor? Damn your good.

Thanks for that, Tiger. I appreciate the kind words.

Unfortunately, my suggestions come from hard-learned lessons. I wish I didn't have any advice to give on cheating. *sigh*

S.

 

[sheath]

oh come on, you know you wanted me to spout off

Hmmm...maybe on another thread. Just not on this one.

Heather...please do keep that appointment with the counselor on the 12th. And don't push yourself to get over things until you are ready. Ease into it, and go with whatever your feelings are. I'm betting that you're on a rollercoaster from hell.

Take care, and my PM box is always open.

S.

 

[TigerClaw]

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[burrish]

I just wanted to let everyone know that i have emailed my ex best friend and gave her a piece of my mind, i told her that she took something special away from me and my hubby had that we can never get that back and how she betrayed our friendshop when all those times i asked her to please tell me the trhuth and she still didn't have the balls to be a adult and tell me the truth. i told her all sorts of things but the point is i feel some what better about it and stuff so i am trying to make progress and i just wanted to let all of you who have been supporting me know. thanks again all

 

[TigerClaw]

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[sheath]

Sometimes talking to those involved will not make a hill a beans in there manner or how they relate to your and your husband. But that speaks more about them then of you.

Very good point, Tiger.

S.

 

[burrish]

yes i found her online and i told her what i thought and she started to tell me i was wrong untill i asked her if she wanted me to send her a copy of all the love letter she had wrote to him from 2 years ago and she quickly shut up and didn't respond to me after that, i even thought about calling her husband and telling him but i thought that i know how i am feeling i am not going to put someone else thru that pain. but even if she didn't read my messages i feel better knowing i at least told her what i thought. i love having supportive friends thank you so much, i just wished i had thought of that sooner. but it still didn't heal all wounds so i still have to some things to work on but for now me and hubby are working on healing us and hoping that everything turns out ok. i love him so much that i know it will for the time being but i still have doubts on whether he would get into that situtation again and not back out or even tell me, he says he would but only time will tell

 

[TigerClaw]

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[Braveheart712]

For what my opinions worth...

Burrish, I just read your thread and I have a few thoughts if you feel like listening. Some of these have been touched on i admit but here's how I see it...

First of all, you stated the root of this problem yourself, sexual boredom and lack of communication. I applaud your steps to open up lines of communication as well as you husband for admitting his mistake to you. That being said, I am concern that you seem to be directing your "blame" for this whole situation on your ex friend. Both you and your husband share responsibility for what happened, after all heis a grown adult, I hope, and short of a gun to his head, he did what he did willingly. You distanced yourself from the situation of his chatting with her and ignored the potential problem of why he was talking to her instead of you. I think she has issues she needs to address, but contacting her to give her a piece of your mind or threatening to contact her husband is childish and vengeful. You reap what you sew, she will in her future, have no fear, but you are only expanding the problem and displacing blame. It was not all her fault. The problem you need to continue to address is between you and your husband. She is and should be completely out of the picture.
Second, you and your husband have a serious trust issue still. What the hell are you doing thinking about a threesome??? At the risk of sounding callus, you must be out of your fucking mind!!! This type of behavior should be reserved for couples who are on stable grounds with their partners and have no issues or concerns about sexual pleasure coming from someone other than their primary partner. Your concern about STD's is valid, but I think the greater concern should be with your emotional health as well as the health of your marriage. Concentrate your efforts on that, not only for you and your husband but for your children.
Lastly, I think there is hope. I like the fact you have gotten your husband off his lasy ass or vice versa, and tried different positions and style. That is what your relationship needs as well as continued efforts to keep lines of communication open and uncluttered. Good luck, I sincerely hope that things work out!!!!

 

[Noor]

I disagree strongly with braveheart on some points. I do not blame the victim. I do not feel a person can be held responsible for their partners cheating. Yes, there can be problems but breaking a vow of faithfulness is still breaking a vow. People need to confront and solve their problems with their partner, not break their agreements. I also don't think that having your partner talk to your friends is so bad, you should be able to trust him enough to talk to your freinds and trust your friends enough. I understand what braveheart is saying- that an improper situation was already going on, but the blame goes on the person who does it, not the one who "allowed" it to happen.

Blaming the friend- In general I do not hold the cheater's lover responsible, however if it is a friend then they have definitely cross the line of friendship to cheat with a friend's partner and in that case have violated the friendship. Burrish has already dealt with that by removing her from her life, and I agree anything else is just vengeful and not helping the situation.
I also agree with braveheart on the threesome, it does not sound like a good idea for the two of you to do EVER.

 

[Braveheart712]

Let me clarify...

Noor - I think you are missing the point. EVERYONE is to blame here, all to different degree I agree but blame is shared by all. The husband is guilty of betraying his wife's trust and his vows, burrish is guilty of withdrawing in the relationship and then allowing this chatting to continue. Read her posts, she admits to suspecting that something might be going on. In my humble opinion, if she would have terminated her husband's inappropriate relationship then, or at least expressed concern and begin communication the way is should have existed, things may have taken a different course. I hate to say this though cause is sounds like "I told you so advice" and someone like myself who is FAR from perfect has no right saying that, but I do feel in my heart it may have made a difference. And lastly, her friend is guilty as hell. She betrayed her friend's trust with her act. I'm not sure what you think, but if I had friends like her, I don't think I would ever need any enemies.

 

[Bobmi357]

While I agree with Braveheart that there is plenty of blame to go around, talking about blame at this point in time is futile.

If the marriage is to survive, then burish must get past the blame stage. Tossing blame around and wearing your hurtfulness on your sleeve might give your partner guilt trips for a while. But sooner or later, if it goes on for too long, your partner will grow resentful and see it as your way of trying to keep him on the hot seat.

Yes burish has every right to feel hurt and betrayed. But the process of healing the breach in the marriage cannot begin until she's gone past that point. The way I see it, she's got 2 options. Either start finding ways to let hubby and her rebuild trust into the relationship, or find a divorce lawyer.

The time for finding blame is over, be adult enough to realize that everyone involved shares some degree of blame in what happened and move on to fixing the issues.

 

[sheath]

While I agree with Braveheart that there is plenty of blame to go around, talking about blame at this point in time is futile.

If the marriage is to survive, then burish must get past the blame stage. Tossing blame around and wearing your hurtfulness on your sleeve might give your partner guilt trips for a while. But sooner or later, if it goes on for too long, your partner will grow resentful and see it as your way of trying to keep him on the hot seat.

All good points, Bobmi.

The only thing I don't agree with in this 'blame' game is the time frame. She found out about his cheating JUST THIS WEEK. As someone who has been there, I can say with certainty that she's just now beginning to think about letting the reality sink in. Blame might be the only thing she has to hold onto right now.

And in HIS position, he has to be patient with her. He held the secret for two years. She's had less than a week to deal with it. Getting resentful over blame being placed on him...where it BELONGS...indicates that he's not a strong enough man to stay in the marriage with her. Of course, perhaps the cheating made that clear already, but that's for her to decide. My point is, while she's dealing with the reality of her cheating husband, that husband has to be patient. She deserves AT LEAST that.

But I agree that in the end, it does little good, and tossing blame around does sabotage any way of healing the relationship. There will come a time to let it go, and she will know when that time comes. He's just going to have to wait on her.

In the meantime, though...she's got to get angry, and hurt, and she has to grieve. If that takes the form of blame and lashing out at him and her ex-friend, then so be it. It's something she has to do, as a person who has just seen her trust shattered like a crystal vase on a marble floor. While she's picking up those pieces and fitting them back together, she has to draw strength of some kind, from somewhere.

S.

 

[Noor]

Re: Let me clarify...

Noor - I think you are missing the point. EVERYONE is to blame here, all to different degree I agree but blame is shared by all. The husband is guilty of betraying his wife's trust and his vows, burrish is guilty of withdrawing in the relationship and then allowing this chatting to continue. Read her posts, she admits to suspecting that something might be going on. In my humble opinion, if she would have terminated her husband's inappropriate relationship then, or at least expressed concern and begin communication the way is should have existed, things may have taken a different course. I hate to say this though cause is sounds like "I told you so advice" and someone like myself who is FAR from perfect has no right saying that, but I do feel in my heart it may have made a difference. And lastly, her friend is guilty as hell. She betrayed her friend's trust with her act. I'm not sure what you think, but if I had friends like her, I don't think I would ever need any enemies.

No, I think I got the point. However I disagree, I feel that if a person makes a committment, or agreement then it is their responsiblity to uphold their agreement regardless of what the other person is doing OR change their agreement. Like if your boss is paying you too little, you have the choice of leaving and finding another job, talking to your boss about it and trying to get a raise or living with it, you do not just take money from the till to pay yourself the extra you think you deserve.

Yes, her friend is guilty of betraying her trust but not of leading her husband to cheat, he made that choice, he could have choose anyone.

Yes, she may have been guilty of being naive and not paying attention, but it is NOT be a wife's responsibilty to police her husband's actions and activity's, he should be self-policing and if he can't do that, he shouldn't gotten married.

I agree she may share responsiblity for problems in their marriage but he choose to deal with them by cheating, by disrespect, by breaking his agreement. Even worse is that when she asked him outright, he lied and had been lying for 2 yrs.

I know what it feels like to find that someone you cared for deeply lied to you, persistencly over time, to feel that everything thing that has past between you, everything you believed about the other person is now suspect, to know maybe nothing was real and that everything was all lies. No one deserves that, no one shares the blame in that except the person who betrayed, the one who lied.

I think she has every right to be angry and put him through hell, at some point she will move on, after he has apoligized and promises never to do it again, after he has re-earned her trust and she feels she can believe him again. I would suggest counseling as a way to see if she can do that.

 

[Bobmi357]

I think she has a right to make her SO walk around on eggshells for a while. But following this thread I'm also forced to wonder what drives a person to cheat in the first place. I've never been in this situation although I've come close a few times in my first marriage.

I used to think, and still largely believe its true, that people go outside of the marriage to find something they aren't getting (and perhaps should be getting) inside the marriage.

My first marriage turned out badly. We didn't fight, we didn't have sex much after the first couple years, we didn't talk. It was just two strangers sharing two boys and a house. I knew near the end of that marriage that if the opportunity presented itself, I WOULD have gladly cheated on my wife.

Fortunately for me, I met a gal online, and ended up in a long distance relationship. At that point I opted to end my marriage BEFORE I even met the girl that lived so very far away. I felt I owed her that (the new girl), and knew that trying to maintain a relationship while married would only make things worse.

The whole point of this is I KNEW what I wanted and needed. I KNEW that I wasn't getting it at home and no amount of talking had changed that.

I suspect that most people (and mind you, I'm not talking about the guys that cheat just for the thrill of it) know what they are doing and more importantly, why.

When you're employed, its customary for you to undergo a review of your performance yearly. Sometimes I think it might not really be a bad idea to do the same in your marriage.

 

[burrish]

i agree with you when you say that something was missing in the relationship we did, we didn't talk and sex for us at the time was more mechinacal than anything.. but when i found out they they had just talked 2 years ago me and him have really improved our relationship a whole bunch... forhim to tell me now after 2 years that he lied and was wrong seems...i don't know how to put it.i wish i had known 2 years ago now i wonder how i am suppose to trust after all this and get things back to normal. i can't wait till the 12th though. we have both sat and talk about what we wee missing when all of it happened to begin with and have worked on that and still some work to do but we had made so much progress for him to drop another bombshell has devastated me. anyway all of you have been wonderful and helpfull thank you sooo very much

 

[James G 5]

In general, blame is kinda pointless here
what you need to do is look at what you still have and find ways to move on
Assigning blame might feel good int he short term, but it will mask problems, make it difficult to discuss the issues that led to the breakdown, and cause simmering resentment
my 2 cents

 

[ldlarry52]

To add my two cents on the subject. First, you knew they were chatting on line about everything, including sex. Since you are posting your question on this site, then you know the majority of the stories are about the situation you describe.

Fantasy is a wonderful thing and some fantasies ought to remain fantasy. However, do to human nature when a man and a woman openly discuss sexual fantasy, technique and how they would like to improve their marital sex the next logical step is to get together and do those things.

I am not saying this is right or should not be hurtful to you, but it should not of been a big surprise.

As to your husband fooling around with other women I can't say. Seems like the sex with your best friend flowed from the friendship not your husband trying to find available woman on the internet

The threesome thing again is a common fantasy written about on this sight and a favorite of many men. What man wouldn't like two women in bed at the same time.

Counseling would be a good thing. More can be explored than can be chatted about here.

Good luck, LDLarry52

 

[Mstrskey]

Just a few things...

First off hun where in KY are you? I ask because I am also in KY and wanted to offer you a friendly ear to bend if you needed one in real time. I can give you my e-mail etc if you would like just drop me a PM.

Alright then...on to the issue at hand. It boils down to trust. My husband and I have been going thru some counseling as of late and the biggest obstacle in everything has been trust. When I felt he betrayed my trust in him it wasn't so much about what he had done in that particular instance it was that awful sickening feeling that I now had to call into question EVERYTHING he had told me. If he had lied to me about one thing what else had he lied to me about? Despite the reassurances from him that it was just this one thing, despite the promises that he would never again how could I believe. I had caught him in one lie, but how many others had I failed to see? I think that's where the real root of alot of your hurt is now. You spent time and put in effort to improve the communication in your marriage, to improve the relationship you had and now to find out that despite all your efforts he couldn't be honest and open with you about this most important thing is devestating!

Now...it's not the end of a marriage, but it is a major hurdle to be overcome. Counseling is essential. As much as you may want to just forget and dwell in the ignorance that was bliss, you need to work thru this if there is any chance in hell of your marriage surviving. And that means both of you!!! That means you need to be honest in your counseling even if it means hearing things you'd rather not. Lord knows I didn't want to hear my husband say that I facilitated his pulling away from me by throwing myself head first into caring for my kids and furthering my education. As far as I was concerned I was trying to be a good mother and a good marriage partner. I thought him being hurt by my lack of attention to him was childish, but...it was the truth. He felt as if I was just going thru the motions with him and there was nothing behind it. He felt ignored and unwanted and went looking for attention elsewhere. Did that excuse his actions, hell no! But...it did help me understand why he did what he did, why we were suddenly two strangers sharing a bed and a house and why he kept drawing further and further away from me which in turn made it easier for me to pull away from him.
There are almost always bigger issues then sexual gratification simmering under the surface of a breach of trust. And they almost always run both ways. You said you have kids and you work while he's at home, maybe he has a problem with that if he's not the one contributing financially? I know alot of our problems began when my husband spent the better part of a year laid off and I took up the breadwinning duties. I had no idea how much he felt it devalued him as a man to not be able to find work and support his family and no idea that he was looking for alternate sources of gratification. You say you have no real friends. I know a part of our problems stemmed from the fact that my husband has a very small circle of friends he trusts and they are all far away. That he felt alone and even more so when I was gone all the time and that was why he turned to the net.
It sounds as if there may be alot of things that come out in counseling if you BOTH take it seriously and BOTH agree to learn and work with what is uncovered. Be honest, even if that honesty may be rough. Hiding things won't help and that's what your there for...to get to the truth. Your paying the impartial third party to hear both sides and help make sense of it all so use it to it's fullest.

As for the present, be safe and be smart. Get yourself, your hubby and your baby thoroughly checked out! As was mentioned before there are things that you were not tested for if your OB was under the impression you were in a monogamous relationship. Tell your husband that sex without protection is out of the question! He has destroyed the trust that made that possible by sleeping with the other woman. Remind him that he may have only strayed with her, but he has NO IDEA who she may have been with besides him and you're not prepared to take that risk for a man who lied to you.
Like Sheath said, be angry, be hurt, cry, vent do whatever you have to in order to keep yourself together. Your husband if he loves you will have to understand that his assurance that he won't ever leave you for another woman since he already had the chance to and didn't just isn't as reassuring to you as it must be to him. Don't feel as if you have to put on a brave face, in the end it only makes things worse.

I wish you the best of luck Heather and hope things work out for the best for you. My PM box is always open if you need to talk.

 

[TigerClaw]

If they said they wanted to

why would someone not show you they are fixing it?

 

[sheath]

actually there are signs.

Does any one have that link on the thread.....

something like how to tell the signs of your partner cheating?

The easiest way is how is he now vs a time when you knew things were good between the two of you. That is a huge indication.

I think this is what you were looking for...

Signs your mate is cheating

S.

 

[TigerClaw]

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[sheath]

How are things going for you, Heather?

S.