Character Feedback Request on 500 word Incest Story

[wildsweetone]

This is a short story I wrote on the STX Thread in the Authors Hangout.

What I would like to know is what you picture the mother's offspring character to look like.

I'm posting it here as it's very short. Thanks for taking the time to read it and to post your thoughts.
Wildsweetone

*****
I was helping mum in the courthouse. It was my chance to do the community service thing. STX was full of guys who wanted to do the CS stuff. Me, I just wanted to get it over and done with so I could get out and play round a bit before my wings were clipped again.

Trouble was, I kept getting sidetracked. I'd find myself in the research room and I'd sit on my arse watchin my mother battin her eyelids at the writer.

I knew he was completely hooked with her. I'd seen him droolin every time he'd come to look stuff up. Felt like I wanted to punch his lights out when he sneaked out back last week and snogged her.

They didn't know I'd been watching. Hell, anyone coulda walked right in and seen 'em at it.

Here they were at it again. They hadn't spotted me either. It was sure gonna be my lucky day today. I sneaked behind the shelves and flicked the lock on the door. The three of us’d be safe from spies.

I watched them. His hands were all over her, he'd got them up the front of her blouse. They were makin so much damn noise with their kissin though, I figured they wouldn't hear me.

I knelt on the floor beside them. Mums tits were right at my eye. I grabbed hold of one, holding my breath. She didn't notice. I flicked my tongue over her nipple. I sucked it gently. It felt so fuckin good. I'd wanted to do this for so damn long.

He moved back a little bit, his hand holding her other breast. Seemed she was happy to just keep snoggin tho'. So I kept on sucking.

My hand went up her thigh. The heat from her pussy nearly put me off. I undid the button an’ zip on her jeans burying my face in her pussy. She smelt so good. She thrust her hips against my face when my tongue went a wanderin’. I licked her clit til I heard her moanin'.

It was sure odd the way the writer moved back like that. Kinda like he wanted me to do it to her. Still, I wasn't gonna protest or nothin'. I moved between 'em and poked her hard with my tongue. Oh she was sweet honey on my tongue. I shoved it deep inside her. She was writhin and moanin so damn hard I nearly came in my pants.

She let loose all over my face. I was soaked in it. No control left for me now as I let rip myself, soaking my jeans, feelin it runnin down my leg. What a fuckin mess. What an amazing cunt my mother has.

I licked her squeaky clean before I quietly left the room. I don't think she figured it out yet. But I sure knew I was on my way to hell for enjoying her like that.

What the fuck... I was already there.

 

[jon.hayworth]

WILDSWEETONE,

you sure did not give a lot away, the first time I read the story the offspring (narrator) was a pimply adolescent boy. On the reread, I decided from the 3rd from last para - when the narrator came that it was a girl. If I am right the impression I got was of a slim tomboyish female, who was aware of her sexuality.

I'd be interested to know which was the character in your mind when you wrote the piece.

jon

 

[wildsweetone]

ty jon for jumping in

i'm not telling yet...

i want to see what some others thought/think.

ps. do you have a glasshouse full of year-round roses or what?

 

[BBD]

Hmm...I'm not sure.

Felt like I wanted to punch his lights out when he sneaked out back last week and snogged her.

This part makes me think adolescent boy. Just doesn't sound like a younger woman or girl to me.

She let loose all over my face. I was soaked in it. No control left for me now as I let rip myself, soaking my jeans, feelin it runnin down my leg. What a fuckin mess. What an amazing cunt my mother has.

Soaking jeans makes me think young male also, but then running down the leg gives me pause.

And the general tone seems more feminine somehow, I'm not sure why. So I guess I'd say a young male, the quiet bookish sort...possibly seeming somewhat effeminate, or...something. I don't know.

Not much help, am I?

 

[Impetus]

I dunno, sneaking right up to someone like that while they're having sex and start fondling one of them takes *balls*! Either the male or the female kind. I'm definitely thinking more matcho. And I may be totally off base about this, but if this person's doing CS, is it for breaking the law? I'm not totally sure about that, I'm having trouble working my way through some of the slang. My guess is that STX is a jail, but I really don't know. But if I'm right, I'm definitelythinking a more masculine character. Not necessarily male, but definitely masculine, matcho, got gutz. Something along those lines. If it'a a guy, I'm thinking thick black chest hair and leather jacket. If it's female, scraggly blond hair, hastily tied back, same leather jacket as the guy. Course, if i'm wrong about the CS thing, I'd have to reconsider.

-I

 

[Ray Dario]

As I read the scene, I sort of pictured a Jason Vorriees (sic) from the infamous "Jason" horror movies look-a-like. You know, about six foot six, with big hairy shoulders, huge forehead and beady little eyes. Face just kinda on crooked.

I know you didn't ask but I also pictured the mother to be about seven hundred pounds of smelly rolled fat, nasty pussy pimples all over her disgusting dirty skin. Overall, I almost puked reading the scene.

Ray

 

[wildsweetone]

wow

these characters are really interesting.

i'm still not parting up with mine yet. i'd like a few more responses please.

ray i hope you're feelin ok now dear.

 

[wildsweetone]

btw

i should have explained a little. STX refers to Small Town X. several authors (including myself) have written some 500 word stories on the Authors Hangout Thread. Basically a town has been created. The thread is Lust and Murder in Small Town X.

I've combined all the stories I wrote and had them accepted on lit. for publishing.

heres the link to my 500 word stories
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=45103

heres the link to the Author Hangout Thread
http://www.literotica.com/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=74739

(i've copied and pasted them, if they don't work, i'll figure out after the weekend how to add links to postings, ty for your patience)

 

[wildsweetone]

to the four of you, thank you

you've given me food for thought about character descriptions. thanks for that.

the character in this story for me, was a young male. though there wasnt meant to be anything effeminate about him. i thought the language i used was close to the mark.

i don't believe it's a bad thing to have left so much out, afterall you all managed to put a picture in your own minds without too much trouble. nor does it matter if that picture was right or wrong.

maybe what we each thought shows a little of our own psyche. but Ray, did you really think that about the mother? rofl

actually that brings me to another point. is part of our job as a writer to evoke emotion in our reader? and does it matter what kind of emotion we evoke?

 

[jon.hayworth]

Wildsweetone,

Thank you for putting us out of our misery. I have been on the edge of my seat waiting to know the answers.

lol

jon

 

[wildsweetone]

ohmygolly jon!

i had no idea you were waiting in such anticipation!!! i apologise for taking so long to put you out of your misery!

 

[KJGirlie]

I'm seeing an adolescent boy, small for his age. Brown hair and very ordinary looking, stealthy and courageous in the way that an orphaned calf will try to sneak up and drink from a nursing mother cow without her noticing.

From the "running down the leg", perhaps a girl. Her hair held out of the way in a french braid. Also brown.

It seems farmy, although it's set in "town". Maybe it's the narrator accent.

KJ

 

[Randen]

B]is part of our job as a writer to evoke emotion in our reader? and does it matter what kind of emotion we evoke?[/B]


I think this should fall into its own category. If you evoked a negative emotion, your voting score might be low, and visa versa.

Maybe something like this:

Pissed Off 1 2 3 4 5 Seriously Pissed Off

Smile 1 2 3 4 5 Puppy wags tail happy

For example, with my first submission, I pissed off a lot of readers. The fun off course, was to see the results.

Just a thought

 

[wildsweetone]

Randen i only left the voting on for my stories as a learning experience for me. i've discovered that the voting has many different phases, many pluses and negatives.

i could easily turn off the voting, but i'm leaving it to see if the votes even out.

i don't believe my writing is good enough to win prizes, no that doesn't mean i can't stand my ground on a challenge, in fact i tend to thrive on them. but i don't take the voting as gospel of the ability of me as a writer.

i guess my question meant do I write well enough to get some kind of reaction from a reader, or does my writing elicit no reaction from the readers?

actually, what Ray posted here was really interesting... even if he did do it to test the truce just kidding dear

it may be that my writing was dull enough to force him to dream up the characters for himself. *wicked wink*

...maybe i should write another afterall...

 

[Ray Dario]

Actually WSO, I didn't mean to test our truce. I was just having some fun. No, that isn't how I really pictured the characters, but your story did leave it wide open.

Some say this is good, maybe it is, but can you imagine not knowing what Captain Ahab looked like? How about the characters in "Grapes of wrath"?

Admittedly these are novels not short stories, but they are both very good novels and yet they "Over described", as some here would claim, the story, setting, and characters.

I seem to have become the self-appointed devil's advocate here about description in stories. A single lone voice crying out in the harsh barren desert for more good description. I want the author of a story to paint me a picture, let me see into his/her world, feel the emotion, taste the tastes, smell the scents. I want to revel in a new world that I have not touched before, one I couldn't imagine until I read the story. I can't do that if the author leaves all the little details up to me. When he/she does that, then I am chained to the worlds I already know, the picture comes from me, not from them and I, as a reader, feel ripped off.

So I endeavor to perservere and I will continue to describe my characters and my scenes. I will try to give my readers what Heinlein, Clarke, Asimov, Melville, Tolstoy, and other great authors have given me.

Damn, I didn't mean for this to become a rant, so I'll shut my yap now.

Ray

 

[superlittlegirl]

mind movie

This might seem odd, but I didn't get a picture of what the kid looked like at all. I could see the mom vividly, perhaps an overteased bleachblonde with roots, a few pounds overweight, wearing too-tight jeans and with a pasty-powdered complexion. Fuschia lipstick. But I like to imagine things a bit seedy (seedily?) sometimes.

The reason I couldn't get a visual of the offspring is because the piece reads very cinematically and I automatically jumped into the body of the narrator. The character was so completely focused on the parts of the mom that my mind-movie was overwhelmingly drawn to her parts, not the narrator's appearance.

Does anyone else do this when they read stories? Unless a story is specifically written from an omnicient view, I don't see the narrator because I'm looking out of the narrator's eyes, and obviously you can't see yourself unless you look in a mirror or are provided with a description. And even when a description is provided, sometimes I don't 'see' the narrator because I'm so busy seeing the action of the story.

One thing-- I think that the narrarator is a girl (even though you've told us otherwise!) because the man fucking the mom sits back to watch. From what I've gathered about men (in a very general sense) they are inclined to be more possessive of their lady being fucked by another man than by another woman. It's the whole bisexual fantasy thing. I think that if the narrarator were a boy, the mom's man would have told him to fuck off. But if the narrarator were a girl, the man would sit back and get an eyeful. But then again, in the fictional world, very little is typical.

I did enjoy the piece, and the game of guessing.

--Freya

 

[wildsweetone]

thanks Ray

you've hit the nail on the head. there is a difference between short story writing and novels. yes there is way more room in a novel to describe and develop a character.

with a limited space in the short story the writer has little choice but to leave the majority of the character description to the readers imagination, often there is no time for development of the character.

from what i've learnt, there has to be just enough description for the reader to click in and say 'yes i can picture that person'. once that goal has been achieved then there's no real need for more description. that's simply short story writing.

maybe some of us are better at writing short stories and some better at novels. i'll see if i can apply my new skills to a longer piece and see what happens.

Freya - thank you also for your comments. i find it interesting that so many different character descriptions can come from one small piece of writing. actually, i don't think it's a bad thing.

you said that you jumped into the narrator's body. i'm still new at this, but that sounds to me like a compliment that i have managed to write in the first person sucessfully. thank you for that and thanks for also taking the time to read and comment, i appreciate your thoughts.

 

[jon.hayworth]

Wildsweetone,

As an example of the art of short story writing I thought the story was ace.

It could be used to demonstrate the art of show don't tell, and for exactly that reason both myself and Freya got screwed when you made an error in your description.

We both went to the narrator being a girl on the basis of what you showed. A hard cock stands verticle therefore I would have expected something like "I could feel a wet sticky patch where the front of my jeans were sticking to my belly"

Not the running down his leg. I might be 50+ but I can remember those testosterone charged days of puberty when occassionally I had a wet day dream. - Now I can only dream!!!!! Well you know what I mean.

jon

 

[wildsweetone]

thanks jon

i was thinking about it when i was in that half awake state this morning. rofl what an image to wake up with *wicked wink*

for some odd reason there was the picture of my character standing naked right in front of me and his hard cock hanging down...

took me a whole minute before i realised that that didn't seem quite right.

i tried to recall where a cock normally sits in a pair of jeans... all i could come up with was it hangs down until the jeans are unzipped and whammo there it is standing straight up.

maybe if it's only half erect it's still in the down position...? but would it still be half erect after he'd been watching his mum and the writer for a time? does a penis not 'leak' anything until it's fully erect? plse excuse my ignorance.

i'm sorry i screwed you. was it fun? rofl

 

[superlittlegirl]

call me crazy...

This is probably very anti-writerly, but I like it when I'm allowed to fill in my own details, just as I was with this piece. It's akin to being allowed to self-interpret a painting or sculpture, rather than having the artist explain her intent. I prefer ambiguity to "her 36 Double Ds jutted out invitingly, like friendly torpedoes" (I'm not saying that this is how you'd approach physical description, wildsweetone, I'm just being silly. But the point remains.) I think there can be a lot of strength in giving just enough info to kickstart your reader's imagination.

And yes, you did first person quite well enough to put me in that narrator's body. It was fun for me.....

--freya

 

[jon.hayworth]

Wildsweetone,

Its all a matter of hydraulics and embarrassed squirming.

Yes a cock hangs down in a pair of jeans, but when a young man or old one gets aroused it tries to point up. Now the bloke has to play pocket snooker, and if the jeans are tight - as we wore them in my young days - the guy goes through contortions reminiscent of Houdinni getting out of a straight-jacket to get enough room for it to stand to attention in-line with the zip.

Hope this helps for future stories.

The memory alone brought a smile to my face - we used to get in the bath wearing our jeans so they would shrink onto us - I seem to remember the papers being full of dire warnings that we would all end up sterile - no such luck I still had to have a snip so much for medical experts.

jon

 

[Ray Dario]

Re: thanks Ray

you've hit the nail on the head. there is a difference between short story writing and novels. yes there is way more room in a novel to describe and develop a character.

with a limited space in the short story the writer has little choice but to leave the majority of the character description to the readers imagination, often there is no time for development of the character.

from what i've learnt, there has to be just enough description for the reader to click in and say 'yes i can picture that person'. once that goal has been achieved then there's no real need for more description. that's simply short story writing.

WSO, thanks for the comment. I disagree with your conclusion, but, hey, that's whats so great about America (wink - friendly jibe to my friend from New Zealand here) we can disagree and still be friends.

In today's world the short story is being expanded. Magazines that specialize in short fiction are increasing the length of submissions they'll accept to 10,000 or more words. One that is quite a solid mag even says they accept up to 25,000 words.

I believe that in 10,000 words you can build the world for the reader and still develop the character. You get the best of a novel in a short story setting.

Obviously in a 2,000 - 3,000 word story something has to be sacrificed, and admittedly there are those who enjoy stories of this length more than longer ones, but even in a story as short as 2,000 words there is still space for some good description. No! I'm not talking about listing the woman's measurements or running through a grocery list of her physical features. You won't find that in my stories, well not my latest ones anyway. I can't remember doing it in any of my stories, but I was a really bad writer when I started and I may have.

No I mean good description. I don't think using the phrase "glossy blonde hair" really cheats the reader of any character development, it does however describe the character. And it does infuriate certain individules on this site

Back to my point. Even in short stories of 2,000 to 3,000 words you can give the reader enough description to paint a picture for them. Some will hate it, I guess, but some will like it. I happen to like it. Like I said earlier, I don't like stories that don't paint a picture for me. I read to escape and that is most easily done, for me, through a good story that builds a new and exciting world in my mind.

My final point and then I'll quit. I really hate reading a story where the author leaves out important details that should have been included in the story and then "springs" them on the reader at the end. There is nothing more frustrating to me, than to read a story, build an image of a character in my mind, and then discover that my image is wrong. I really really hate that. There are a lot of "hack" mystery writers that use this "technique" to trick the reader. It is poor writing, IMHO.

Ray

 

[wildsweetone]

ahh

but jon, my character didn't do any adjusting to his clothing or body. therefore, doesn't that mean it's still a possibility for the narrator to be male? when you were reading the story, did you subconsciously put in that the narrator was adjusting his jeans?

freya, it's not anti-writerly dear, it's simply another authors opinion. glad you voiced yours

ray, the conclusion was for short stories only. considering i've only written stories that may go to two pages on lit.com, i haven't any ideas on the 2,000+. i don't even know if i have the ability to write that much. i'd like to give one a go though.

oh, just about that story 'twist' you mentioned... that's the whole idea of it. to give the reader a shock. life isn't all happy endings or true to form finishes. it shows skill in an author who can use the story in such a manner. for short story writing, a good first sentence, a good middle and a twist at the end makes more of an impact on the reader. it's ok not to like being tricked. we all have our preferences. what you've said jogged a memory of mine. i wrote a descriptive piece when i was about 13ish... i'll hunt it out.

 

[wildsweetone]

jon, you know this image of you sitting in a bath wearing jeans isn't going to go away now, don't you?

is that the 'olden days' version of bathing or showering wearing nylons?

at least with nylons you don't get blue legs...

damn that wild bit

 

[jon.hayworth]

Wildsweetone.

No that was the point - as the character did not adjust his jeans and evrything went down - I assumed from your "show" style, I have not been reading about a boy I have been reading about a girl.

blue-legs.

The days of mods and rockers when I thought real men wore tight jeans, leather jackets and no crash helmet!!! A mis-spent youth.

jon