Chapter 2 is out and ready for abuse!

[Quint]

Well, really it isn't OUT exactly. I want to get the feedback and critique before I post it and can't mess with it anymore. If there are any volunteers who would like to reciprocate the brutal feedback I've provided, please PM or email me, and I'll give you a nice juicy target.

Plot and sex summary, to lure you in: my main character from Chapter 1, Beth, suddenly remembers the package that arrived for her. What is it? Whatever it is, it triggers baaad memories and sends her searching for consolation. She finds it in the form of an erotic story written by one of her friends. M/m/m/f smuttiness ensues, WITH dialogue and lots of kinkiness. Little bit of D/s, just enough to make it tasty. I really liked writing it, and I'll really love tearing it up to fit your advice. Help me out! o)

 

[Quint]

Okay, I've given my fair share of in-depth, meaningful critique in the past. Therefore, you must just be skeptical of the quality of the chapter in question. Fear not, doubtful reader! I shall give you an exclusive Sneak Peek to lure you in and make you BEG me to let you critique the rest! Read on for malicious play and mindless pleasure...

(From "Sweet Salvation: Chapter 2")

Ever so slowly, he thrust his lubricated finger into her bowels, relishing her moan of painful pleasure. Grinning at her glazed expression, he withdrew his finger, rotated it, and suddenly slammed it back in. She gasped in shock at the invasion, but the heat that spread throughout her lower body was indescribable. Groaning, she watched as Dan pistoned his finger in and out in a frenzy, sending her spiraling into a realm of pleasure she’d never experienced. He now added the tip of another finger, relentlessly pushing both deep within her ass. The pain, if anything, brought her to a higher level of ecstasy.

“Tell me what you feel, slut!” Dan commanded, punctuating his words with a hard slap to her ass.

“I-I feel your fingers in my a-ass,” Beth whimpered, writhing as he abused her ass deliciously. Another spank made her shriek and clench around the intruding fingers.

Hey! Single-file line, please! No shoving, there's room for everyone! o)

 

[superlittlegirl]

tee-hee

Hi Quint,

Funny that you should choose to highlight *that* paragraph, because it was the only one that I had issue with. (Yes, I've read Quint's story, and you all should be filling her PM box up with requests to read it, too. It's VERY good, and I think I disappointed her last night when I told her that I'd have to work really hard to come up with a decently brutal critique.)

Here is my gripe. And it's a completely personal one, because it has to do with word choice. But I absolutely hate the word "bowels". Eeww. Not because I'm shit-phobic or anything, because I'm not. It has more to do with my word association with the word "disembowelment". You say "bowels" and I think guts. It's just an icky word. Not as icky as "poop-chute", by any stretch of the imagination, but oddly, umm, anatomical for an erotic piece. It really sucks that there are so few truly tasty descriptors for the parts we all have and obsess about daily.

And Quint, I promise that I have more to say about your piece than just that. I wanted to get the ball rolling, though. I'm going to go have another look. (Ok, so it's just a pathetic excuse to hide the fact that I really just wanna read it again, but hey, I have to look sorta dignified, right?)

--Freya

 

[Quint]

You couldn't ever disappoint me, babe

And yeah, there is a definite scarcity of non-offensive-yet-sexy words for most of our sexual parts. I just wanted to vary my word usage, since one of the feedbacks I got on chapter 1 was that I overuse "pussy." See what I get for being agreeable? Well, no more for me! o) (Now THAT'S a scary thought...what if the Quint you've all been exposed to is the NICE Quint?)

That's the sort of feedback I'm looking for: particular instances where something turned you off, fluidity of action sequences, how vivid and realistic everything is mentally, and of course, the arousability. Yes, that is too a word.

Thank you, Freya, for starting us off. Any more people willing to hurl a tomato? o)

 

[jon.hayworth]

Quint,

I like your work, but I am wondering if in the passage ,when you use the words "painful pleasure", you manage to communicate to the uninitiated reader that mingling of sensations.
- pleasure and pain, pain and pleasure -

What position was she in or what viewing aid did she have that she could see his finger in her ass? Think about it!

I think the words "if anything" last line first para might be superfluous. - We all do it - if only I could read my own work as critically!

 

[jon.hayworth]

Quint,

I like your work, but I am wondering if in the passage ,when you use the words "painful pleasure", you manage to communicate to the uninitiated reader that mingling of sensations.
- pleasure and pain, pain and pleasure -

What position was she in or what viewing aid did she have that she could see his finger in her ass? Think about it!

I think the words "if anything" last line first para might be superfluous. - We all do it - if only I could read my own work as critically!

lol

jon