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Chaos... to be continued

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Hm. Were you here for the one I told yesterday? It's probably my best joke that doesn't involve a seeing-eye dog:

A guy walks into a bar. He is wearing a long trench coat. He sits at the bar, reaches into his trench coat, and pulls out a perfect miniature baby grand piano and sets it on the bar. Next, he pulls out a matching piano stool and he sets that on the bar. Finally, he pulls out a little man who is only one foot tall. This little guy sits at the piano, and begins playing a Bach concerto flawlessly.

The bartender stares, and then asks, "Where the hell did you get that?"

"I'll tell you if you give me a drink," the guy replies.

The bartender serves up a rum and coke. The guy drains it quickly, with an annoyed expression on his face.

"There's this gypsy fortune teller who has a business right down the street," the guy says. The bartender nods. He's seen the place. The guy then continues, "Well, if you pay her a hundred bucks, she supposedly can grant you one wish. The thing is, she's really hard of hearing. So, you need to speak VERY LOUDLY and VERY CLEARLY. 'Cause you know for damn sure I didn't wish for a twelve-inch pianist!"
 
LexxRuthless said:
Hm. Were you here for the one I told yesterday? It's probably my best joke that doesn't involve a seeing-eye dog:

A guy walks into a bar. He is wearing a long trench coat. He sits at the bar, reaches into his trench coat, and pulls out a perfect miniature baby grand piano and sets it on the bar. Next, he pulls out a matching piano stool and he sets that on the bar. Finally, he pulls out a little man who is only one foot tall. This little guy sits at the piano, and begins playing a Bach concerto flawlessly.

The bartender stares, and then asks, "Where the hell did you get that?"

"I'll tell you if you give me a drink," the guy replies.

The bartender serves up a rum and coke. The guy drains it quickly, with an annoyed expression on his face.

"There's this gypsy fortune teller who has a business right down the street," the guy says. The bartender nods. He's seen the place. The guy then continues, "Well, if you pay her a hundred bucks, she supposedly can grant you one wish. The thing is, she's really hard of hearing. So, you need to speak VERY LOUDLY and VERY CLEARLY. 'Cause you know for damn sure I didn't wish for a twelve-inch pianist!"
Click to expand...
I actually did spot that yesterday! It’s a good one :D 😂
 
Okay. Try this:

An older, blind gentleman walks into Wal-Mart. He has his service animal, a rather large German Shepard, leading the way. The guy wanders into the middle of the store, and suddenly grabs the leash, pulling the poor dog into the air. He starts whirling around, causing the dog to swing around him in a long oval. The dog starts barking loudly, "Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark!"

One of the store associates, his eyes huge, carefully approaches. "Sir! Can I help you?" he asks.

"Nah," says the blind guy. "I'm just looking around."
 
LexxRuthless said:
Okay. Try this:

An older, blind gentleman walks into Wal-Mart. He has his service animal, a rather large German Shepard, leading the way. The guy wanders into the middle of the store, and suddenly grabs the leash, pulling the poor dog into the air. He starts whirling around, causing the dog to swing around him in a long oval. The dog starts barking loudly, "Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark!"

One of the store associates, his eyes huge, carefully approaches. "Sir! Can I help you?" he asks.

"Nah," says the blind guy. "I'm just looking around."
Click to expand...
That’s both shocking and funny 😂 I can totally imagine someone doing that, based on weirdness I’ve seen in supermarkets!
 
Okay, this one's not mine. Quoting @Handley_Page from the Author's Hangout:

The handsome prince announced that a grand ball would be held to which everyone was invited. Cinderella was excited but her wicked stepmother and the ugly step sisters would not let her go. She was sitting disconsolately amid the ashes when her fairy godmother appeared before her.

"Why are you so sad, Cinderella?"

"Because my stepmother and stepsisters won't let me go to the ball."

"You shall go to the ball, Cinderella. I will provide you with the most beautiful dress and glass slippers, a coach and horses and footmen to attend you."

"Oh, thank you, fairy godmother!" Cinderella happily gushed.

"There is just one condition, Cinderella, and you must listen to it carefully," warned the fairy godmother. "You must be home by midnight because if you are not, on the stroke of midnight your fanny will turn into a melon".

Cinderella accepted this condition and in the twinkling of an eye the promised goodies were before her and she set off for the ball. The ball was as wonderful as she expected. She danced with the handsome prince who only had eyes for her and, when the interval came she went into supper on the arm of the prince and sat opposite him.

The first course was a slice of melon and the sight of this recalled to Cinderella's mind the condition that her fairy godmother had imposed. Cinderella felt sad that she had to go home so early and picked up her knife and fork to start on her slice of melon. The prince, on the other hand, ignored his knife and fork. He seized the slice of melon in both hands and buried his face in it. He took the flesh into his mouth and slurped over it as he sucked and swallowed the succulent fruit. He did not stop until he had got every drop of goodness from it. He took the rind away from his face and juices were running down his chin.

He said to Cinderella, as he laid the rind aside, "What time do you have to be home?"

"About half past two," she replied.
 
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