Challenge Thread: The Cardinal Sins of Carnal Writing

[kbate]

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=247369

Not in response to this thread... and not asking for reads or votes either, but here is my effort in making a bad story with bad euphemism, and bad description..

 

[CopyCarver]

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=247369

Not in response to this thread... and not asking for reads or votes either, but here is my effort in making a bad story with bad euphemism, and bad description..

My earlier comment was premature. Cape DOES have competition! (No "dark and stormy night," however.)

This is much badder than my own feeble effort to describe the events that led Abe Lincoln to issue his famous boast: "Four years ago, I scored seven times."

 

[oggbashan]

Excessive use of unusual punctuation

I think this one counts if making one sentence 450 words long is 'unusual'.

The roseate Sun, Phoebus’ orb, was glinting in the puddles and dappling the fallen leaves of the ancient forest as Joan made her way along the footpath leading from her rustic rose-entwined cottage, so beloved of tourists and her infrequent visitors from the city who left as soon as they reasonably could because the cottage lacked the basic amenities than any twenty-first century city dweller expected as of right such as satellite television and even running hot and cold water, both of which were unavailable, towards the steeple crowned hill on which the Parish Church sat as it had done for more than a thousand years surveying the expanding and contracting village in the valley beneath and perhaps regretting the earlier centuries when it had been filled to capacity by local residents each in their proper place and order according to the standards of the time, but Joan diverted from the direct route to the Church at a junction and was now heading in the direction of the Evening Star, the planet Venus known as Aphrodite to the Greeks but whether Greek or Roman was the personification of sexual desire, which sexual desire Joan was expecting to assuage once she reached her destination but in the meantime she was diverted by the interplay of light and shade from the evening sun as it sank lower on the horizon turning the landscape to a darkening ruddy hue which darkened further as she walked wondering whether she would reach her destination and assignation before Phoebus’ chariot had passed beyond her view but even if she did not her path was clear because she was accustomed to walking in the direction of the Evening Star every evening that she had free from her avocation of breeder of large and hairy dogs that bore a faint resemblance to The Hound of The Baskervilles and at times she would take one of the so-called breed with her on her perambulation which would certainly deter any evil minded loiterers upon her way but unfortunately also frequently prevented the consummation of her assignation by refusing to leave her side and repulsing her intended with ferocious barking and frenzied attacks barely held in check by the strong leash essential for such savage dogs but this time she was without a canine companion and therefore she hoped that the consummation would be forthcoming without let or hindrance as she continued to walk alongside the nearly dark woodlands before emerging on a slight eminence whence she could see her goal of another rose-entwined cottage from the chimney of which a wisp of smoke was arising promising warmth in both the physical, mental and sexual encounter which Joan would shortly enjoy.

"He's lit my fire" she said to herself.

PS. Ignoring the last short sentence which I couldn't resist:

Words 450
Sentences 1
Reading Ease 0
Grade Level 12.0

 

[CopyCarver]

I think this one counts if making one sentence 450 words long is 'unusual'.

Unusual indeed! Even Faulkner would have needed at least three mentions of Yoknapatawpha County.

 

[Guest]

I think this one counts if making one sentence 450 words long is 'unusual'.

Unusual indeed! Even Faulkner would have needed at least three mentions of Yoknapatawpha County.

Argh! Senior AP English Flashback!


Well, I have finished my little masterpiece. I don't know how good...er, bad...um....Whatever! it is, but I keep giggling while I read it while wondering how much of this I can save to use elsewhere....

 

[CopyCarver]

Argh! Senior AP English Flashback!


Well, I have finished my little masterpiece. I don't know how good...er, bad...um....Whatever! it is, but I keep giggling while I read it while wondering how much of this I can save to use elsewhere....

Argh is the word. Light in August would have been one helluva book if single sentences didn't need to be re-read four times just to determine which of five proper nouns were the "he" in question.

 

[Guest]

Argh is the word. Light in August would have been one helluva book if single sentences didn't need to be re-read four times just to determine which of five proper nouns were the "he" in question.

As it happens, that was the novel assigned (isn't it always?) I never finished it because I found it endlessly frustrating (and boring). I don't even think I kept the copy I had. But I enjoy Faulkner's shorter fiction.

I don't care much for Flannery O'Conner, either. I tried, I really did.

Eh, no accounting for taste.

 

[Guest]

Male characters capable of excessive numbers of orgasms and erections; male or female characters emitting impossibly copious quantities of ejaculate.

can I have this one pleaseeeeeee

 

[CopyCarver]

As it happens, that was the novel assigned (isn't it always?) I never finished it because I found it endlessly frustrating (and boring). I don't even think I kept the copy I had. But I enjoy Faulkner's shorter fiction.

Same here. As I recall, I wrote about Joe Christmas as a Christ figure, contrary to Faulkner's disclaimer--a blatantly obvious conclusion, and not in the same area code with original--but it saved me from finishing the book.

 

[CopyCarver]

Let's not forget the writers who try to use slang and/or dialect they don't understand. I once edited a story by someone who thought a "do rag" was 'hood terminology for sanitary napkins. And then there was the Vietnam War story by someone who thought a "frag" was the military's equivalent of a fraternity.

Neither flew too well in straight fiction, but they might be contenders within the current context.

 

[Guest]

Let's not forget the writers who try to use slang and/or dialect they don't understand. I once edited a story by someone who thought a "do rag" was 'hood terminology for sanitary napkins. And then there was the Vietnam War story by someone who thought a "frag" was the military's equivalent of a fraternity.

Neither flew too well in straight fiction, but they might be contenders within the current context.

Just spit out my tea.

I will never think of "do rag" in the same context again.

 

[Guest]

Let's not forget the writers who try to use slang and/or dialect they don't understand. I once edited a story by someone who thought a "do rag" was 'hood terminology for sanitary napkins. And then there was the Vietnam War story by someone who thought a "frag" was the military's equivalent of a fraternity.

Neither flew too well in straight fiction, but they might be contenders within the current context.

Oh I do laugh. There are several slang dictionaries online -- I keep links to several, including one for Regency slang.

I am waiting for Shanglan to answer a question for me, and then I'll make my submission. I attended a writing marathon last weekend and one prompt resulted in a...well...severe abuse of a particular metaphor. I liked it so much I used it to build my entry. I added another little metaphor and went to town. It's almost embarrassing how much I enjoyed doing it, too.

 

[minsue]

Let's not forget the writers who try to use slang and/or dialect they don't understand. I once edited a story by someone who thought a "do rag" was 'hood terminology for sanitary napkins. And then there was the Vietnam War story by someone who thought a "frag" was the military's equivalent of a fraternity.

Neither flew too well in straight fiction, but they might be contenders within the current context.

!

 

[Guest]

This is cruel but I can't resist. This is a line taken from the first few paragraphs of a top rated story.

"Can you play fetch?" she said to him with a giggle.

"Sure I can, that's my job," he said with a laugh, catching her beautiful eyes.

Am I the only one snorting my milk on that? Am I just that twisted? Or is that a classic?

 

[BlackShanglan]

can I have this one pleaseeeeeee

Well, I can give you the challenge ... if you're looking for the person, I'll do my best, but can't promise.

 

[BlackShanglan]

This is cruel but I can't resist. This is a line taken from the first few paragraphs of a top rated story.

"Can you play fetch?" she said to him with a giggle.

"Sure I can, that's my job," he said with a laugh, catching her beautiful eyes.

Am I the only one snorting my milk on that? Am I just that twisted? Or is that a classic?

Oh. Dear. GOD!

Wonderful.

 

[BlackShanglan]

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=247369

Not in response to this thread... and not asking for reads or votes either, but here is my effort in making a bad story with bad euphemism, and bad description..

Naomi Nockers

That was beautiful.

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

This is cruel but I can't resist. This is a line taken from the first few paragraphs of a top rated story.

"Can you play fetch?" she said to him with a giggle.

"Sure I can, that's my job," he said with a laugh, catching her beautiful eyes.

Am I the only one snorting my milk on that? Am I just that twisted? Or is that a classic?

Well don't keep us in suspense, does he ever give them back?

By the way, I have only four words (okay, make that five) for you wimps who complain about having to read, Light in August, THE SOUND AND THE FURY. (and that's coming from a Faulkner fan)

Rumple Foreskin

 

[Guest]

*smiles serenely* I'm really just bumping this. But, hey, Rev! Can you pray for my ass? I think it's impotent... I can't get it up in the morning!!!




*bad puns are a specialty of Troublemakers, Ink.*

 

[Guest]

This is cruel but I can't resist. This is a line taken from the first few paragraphs of a top rated story.

"Can you play fetch?" she said to him with a giggle.

"Sure I can, that's my job," he said with a laugh, catching her beautiful eyes.

Am I the only one snorting my milk on that? Am I just that twisted? Or is that a classic?

And now I see the eyes bouncing across the table or something.

Geez, I need more coffee this morning.

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

*smiles serenely* I'm really just bumping this. But, hey, Rev! Can you pray for my ass? I think it's impotent... I can't get it up in the morning!!!

*bad puns are a specialty of Troublemakers, Ink.*

Angel, if your ass drags anything like mine does in the morning, it'll take more than Viagra. Would you believe a seriously large crane?

http://www.boatnerd.com/news/newpictures03b/AMCBarge10-19-03th.jpg

Rumple Foreskin

 

[CopyCarver]

This is cruel but I can't resist. This is a line taken from the first few paragraphs of a top rated story.

"Can you play fetch?" she said to him with a giggle.

"Sure I can, that's my job," he said with a laugh, catching her beautiful eyes.

Am I the only one snorting my milk on that? Am I just that twisted? Or is that a classic?

Following review of the videotape, it is now clear that her beautiful eyes were trapped, not caught. The pass is incomplete. Fourth down and ten."

 

[Guest]

Following review of the videotape, it is now clear that her beautiful eyes were trapped, not caught. The pass is incomplete. Fourth down and ten."

Punt.

 

[CopyCarver]

Punt.

Could you point the punter in the right direction? A negative yardage kick might be embarassing.

 

[Guest]

Could you point the punter in the right direction? A negative yardage kick might be embarassing.

From that clip, I can't believe they attained any positive yardage.