celebacy

[downerbeautiful]

Are people even allowed to ask about celibacy here? Haha, just kidding.

Recently my partner and I came to acknowledge that we have great sexual differences. In terms of ice cream, he's so vanilla that it's hard for him to recognize strawberry or chocolate, let alone Cherry Garcia or Everything But The (with all do respect to Ben and Jerry's). My tastes are somewhere around Dublin Mudslide and Chunky Monkey, so, NOT vanilla.

Along with that and discussing a couple other things (hooray my inability to open up and communicate ), I've concluded that I need to hit the reset button on my sex life. I've looked into SLAA, but I wish the group was really SL-A, drop the addict part of it. As I am not religious, I do not like the concept of looking to some biblical passage or higher power. Moreover, I do not believe I am POWERLESS over my sex life.

Since I have tried the whole I'm just not going to have sex thing, and that has been unsuccessful, is there an effective way to express and carry out celibacy while maintaining my three year relationship? Over the course of my relationship the ONLY time I've said no to sex was on our first date; but this conversation we had left my feeling repulsed by sex and intimacy and in need of a break from sex to reevaluate my drive and motley fetishes.

Help please?

 

[OzoneRed]

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[sunandshadow]

If you want to maintain a relationship with your partner without having sex with him, he's the only one who can tell you if he'll be upset to be temporarily or permanently in a sexless relationship. If your problem is expressing to him that you don't want sex with him for a while while you think things over, the solution is finding a way to express that to him. If you can't say it in person, perhaps write it down and then hand it to him?

Personally I don't think people ever go from not liking vanilla sex with a particular partner to liking vanilla sex with a particular partner. A mature adult who is strictly vanilla is someone who isn't imaginative or adventuresome, at least as far as sex is concerned. A person who likes a variety of fetishes is probably very imaginative and adventuresome and got bored with the simplicity and safe sameness of vanilla sex years ago. It's like someone who loves R-rated movies because they have mature content - this person might give up watching R-rated movies but they are not going to stop thinking G-rated movies are childish and bland, and wishing for something better suited to their tastes and relevant to their inner thoughts.

 

[Artfuldos]

Seems like this is something else you need to talk to your partner about...see if he's o.k. with you practicing celibacy and attempting to maintain a less than amatory relationship...it's a hard way to be in a with someone.
If you truly feel that you can control your sexual urges then it may be a good decision. If he's willing to travel a similar path than it's even better. I get a vibe though that this will continue to be a problem and you're just attempting to sweep it under the rug.
Especially your last sentence. Once you clear your head and build your libido back up you'll still be stuck with the same problem.

 

[subwannabe]

You are in the wrong relationship and you should not feel like there is something wrong with you that needs to be fixed or that you should stay in your current relationship minus the sex. Why on earth would you want to even consider staying in this relationship? Your solution to the probmlem is totally wrong. First, you should just ditch this guy and move on. Second, not having sex is just going to piss him off and it will be made out that you are sexless and he will dump you for not wanting to have his vanilla sex. Shaking my head why some people would want to stay in the totally wrong relationship, especially when it sounds like you're not even married!

 

[Artfuldos]

You are in the wrong relationship and you should not feel like there is something wrong with you that needs to be fixed or that you should stay in your current relationship minus the sex. Why on earth would you want to even consider staying in this relationship? Your solution to the probmlem is totally wrong. First, you should just ditch this guy and move on. Second, not having sex is just going to piss him off and it will be made out that you are sexless and he will dump you for not wanting to have his vanilla sex. Shaking my head why some people would want to stay in the totally wrong relationship, especially when it sounds like you're not even married!

Not too sure about the o.p. but just in general...

Some people are genuinely in love with their vanilla partners. It's a difficult decision to make especially for people who value monogamy.

Potentially lose the love of your life just so you can get your rocks off or stay in a relationship with a really awesome person and just have a boring, unsatisfying , joyless sex life.

I know how powerful sex is in a relationship, I'd always advise the person to find someone who's their sexual match with enough other qualities they deem healthy and attractive, but I also understand how much it sucks to be alone and to miss the feeling of love and true affection outside of the bed room. The latter is foreboding and depressing.

 

[fire_breeze]

Are people even allowed to ask about celibacy here? Haha, just kidding.

Recently my partner and I came to acknowledge that we have great sexual differences. In terms of ice cream, he's so vanilla that it's hard for him to recognize strawberry or chocolate, let alone Cherry Garcia or Everything But The (with all do respect to Ben and Jerry's). My tastes are somewhere around Dublin Mudslide and Chunky Monkey, so, NOT vanilla.

Along with that and discussing a couple other things (hooray my inability to open up and communicate ), I've concluded that I need to hit the reset button on my sex life. I've looked into SLAA, but I wish the group was really SL-A, drop the addict part of it. As I am not religious, I do not like the concept of looking to some biblical passage or higher power. Moreover, I do not believe I am POWERLESS over my sex life.

Since I have tried the whole I'm just not going to have sex thing, and that has been unsuccessful, is there an effective way to express and carry out celibacy while maintaining my three year relationship? Over the course of my relationship the ONLY time I've said no to sex was on our first date; but this conversation we had left my feeling repulsed by sex and intimacy and in need of a break from sex to reevaluate my drive and motley fetishes.

Help please?

Have you discuss your desire to re-evaluate sex and physical intimacy with your partner? If not, then I'd suggest that's the way to go. Be honest and open as possible, and open minded as well. Lay all your cards on the table, and explain to him the reasons for your decisions. See what he has to say, and truly listen to his opinions. It takes two to tango, and I'm assuming there's two in this relationship. It would be unfair to cut him off of something this important without first thoroughly and honestly discussing it.

As for being celibate, it's important to refocus your energies to other areas of your life; maybe you wish to work on your communication skills with your partner and those in your life.

Throw yourself into work, social life, find a creative outlet, etc. Work together with your partner. Don't deny that you are a sexual creature. Acknowledge that you are, and you will have a drive. When that drive seems particularly high, then communicate this with your partner and find some activity that can foster emotional intimacy, perhaps in a physical setting (going for a difficult hike, for example). Or maybe, if you're not very physical, find something that will expand your mind - a college level course in something that interests you and you don't know much about. Yoga is another good philosophy to explore, combining mind and body.

I went through something similar (sans partner) like this a few years back, for a myriad of reasons, and I found that writing, reading, and exploring other mental options helped and considerably focused me. For me, and this is because I am very cerebral individual, I began to discipline my mind. It is not something I'd suggest, because at times I have trouble letting go, but this is what I choose, consciously and rationally.

Good luck

 

[Guest]

Not enough information

deleted

 

[DRS_EROS]

You.

Are people even allowed to ask about celibacy here? Haha, just kidding.

Recently my partner and I came to acknowledge that we have great sexual differences. In terms of ice cream, he's so vanilla that it's hard for him to recognize strawberry or chocolate, let alone Cherry Garcia or Everything But The (with all do respect to Ben and Jerry's). My tastes are somewhere around Dublin Mudslide and Chunky Monkey, so, NOT vanilla.

Along with that and discussing a couple other things (hooray my inability to open up and communicate ), I've concluded that I need to hit the reset button on my sex life. I've looked into SLAA, but I wish the group was really SL-A, drop the addict part of it. As I am not religious, I do not like the concept of looking to some biblical passage or higher power. Moreover, I do not believe I am POWERLESS over my sex life.

Since I have tried the whole I'm just not going to have sex thing, and that has been unsuccessful, is there an effective way to express and carry out celibacy while maintaining my three year relationship? Over the course of my relationship the ONLY time I've said no to sex was on our first date; but this conversation we had left my feeling repulsed by sex and intimacy and in need of a break from sex to reevaluate my drive and motley fetishes.

Help please?

Do you mind help, or advice from a male ? There are other things other information you need to provide to give someone a reasonable chance at giving useful, honest, straightforward , intelligent help and advice. I have been "around the track", as they say, a few times.

 

[Somehowyou]

Yoga is another good philosophy to explore, combining mind and body.

Yes, try yoga. This will help you get into all those sex positions you really need to get into when you find an adventuresome partner or two so that you can enjoy sex with!!!!

Now the guy is willing to try on a cock ring. Maybe he is not so vanilla after all? See if you can ease him into opening up a little. Maybe you can bring him along. If not, I would say keep looking. Find your sexual match or matches. This is really important.

 

[MsQuote]

I don't quite know or understand what left you feeling repulsed by sex and intimacy after having that talk with your boyfriend. Can you explain further?

 

[njlauren]

I am a bit confused as well, to be honest, there is obviously a mismatch in your sexuality, he seems to want the couple of times a week in missionary position in the dark, while you are more adventuresome and yes that can be a major problem, sexual compatibility is big if the people are sexual (some people are asexual and it wouldn't matter to them).

What I don't understand is why celibacy? Are you basically saying if you are celibate, then the problem is solved? Then what about his needs, vanilla doesn't equal asexual, not by any means, would you expect to cut him off from sex too, and expect him to be celibate with you? I don't think celibacy is a miracle answer, despite what some spiritual traditions say, and I don't think it will solve your problems to be honest. All the channeling that into other things, into doing things like yoga, are like telling a 17 year old boy to take cold showers and not to masturbate, isn't going to happen IME.

I think part of the answer is what is the nature of the issue...is he vanilla because he has never tried anything different, is he vanila because he has religious hang ups, or he is obstinately vanilla where anything but vaginal sex is icky? Is it you want kink and he doesn't? Is it you want to have sex with others and he wants to remain monogamous? You didn't really say what the differences were, and the answers might be better with them.......you don't have to go into details , just a broad description would help. You have some choices I think that might be better then celibacy IMO:

-Maybe work with him on trying different things, someone may not acknowledge that chunky monkey ice cream exists, but if you get him to try it, he might find he likes it. It might take some work, but if he loves you are least he could try to stretch things out, and see. Hopefully he will find things that make it work for you.

-If he has moral or religious objections, try working with him on that, find ways to make him see that people do these things in loving, monogamous relationships (assuming you want one, that is).

-or if vanilla is all he will do, try to spice that up, he might not be into bondage but maybe he would agree to role play or to blindfold you while having sex.....try and find things that might help a compromise work.

-There is always fantasy, too, it isn't the same as doing, but erotic stories, porn and such can get you into wow space, and then either having sex with hubby or with toys may help you find some peace. There is nothing wrong IMO with using fantasy to enhance vanilla sex, or to do it on your own, as a way to get some needs met without actually doing it, potentially cheating or something. I lived on that for more then a while, having an SO who had been the victim of vicious abuse and dealing with zero sex drive for a long time when it came out and she could heal from it.......

-The other option is if it is so important, would be to see if he would be willing to accept you getting your 'sexual highs' from other people in some sort of open relationship, where you guys would have your vanilla sex and then other needs would be taken care of outside.......I don't recommend cheating to do this, going outside without him knowing.


My biggest piece of advice? Find a counselor/therapist trained in issues of sexuality, certified by one of the sexology associations, and work with them individually as a couple. If they can't help your partner open up, they may be able to help you guys talk and communicate and come up with a solution.

I'll be honest, I doubt celibacy is going to work for you, I don't think an active sex drive is an addiction or wanting spice in it is wrong, and I think working towards celibacy as a solution to your problem isn't the answer, as motivated as you might be (it sounds like you are), I don't think it is achievable for most people or really desirable, I think putting energy into helping you guys come to some sort of workable compromise, if there is one, is a lot wiser, and that is where a therapist/counselor can really help.I think a lot of the people who promote celibacy have a naive view of the power and strength of sex and sexuality, some of the people I have seen who promote it I suspect have naturally low sex drives themselves and can't understand what it is like for someone with a normal or high drive.

 

[LadyVer]

Celibacy sucks. Just sayin...