Caught

[Magnolia]

A friend got caught this week... I am nothing but a friend who has flirted and chatted with him..yesterday I got a letter saying he ahd been caught and that he was sorry... later his name poped on MSN.. I said HI... and that I was sorry that he had problems and I hoped he worked every thing out.. well .. it was not him it was his wife.....To say she was not happy is putting it lightly.......She told me how I had ruined her marriage.. and that I was the cause of her child being hurt... I tried to tell her over and over that Her Hubby had told me he loved her..... I really got a guilt trip put one me.. Why was I talking to her Hubby.. why did he want to talk to me... had I plans to meet him>>> NO..
I guess I am jsut feeling really bad to have caused her this pain..and questioning my need to be at lit at all... I feel so sorry for them....I really just want to go off and cry and hide... any help out there???? Magnolia

 

[Guest]

 

[lovetoread]

Its up to him to explain.

One does not do the flirt dance alone.

You should have just cut off the im's to her.

In the end,he decided to flirt,who he flirted with makes no difference.

 

[gaigirl]

and if you had been flirting with this man, that was wrong, but it was more wrong for him to flirt in the first place. [/B]

You weren't wrong to flirt with him-- you didn't know his wife would go nuts but he should have known. Don't beat yourself-- find a new flirt buddy and get on with it. Leave him to the mess he made--

 

[Guest]

Been there..done that.

In every situation like this... someone has to be the person to blame... some refuse to see that person as their spouse...especially a hurting wife... so they want to blame 'the other woman'

Flirting isn't so big of a deal as actually going off and having an affair... so don't go run and hide...but do back off from them. Let them figure things out.

Yes it hurts...but eventually the pain does go away.

 

[erosman]

Dont' take the neurotic road on this one. Like each has commented above, it takes two. Let him take responsibility for his actions, and if he won't then consider yourself lucky to have flushed another facade out into the open. As for the wifey, don't let her pile the guilt on - that's another old-as-time tactic. The whole episode has the potential to cultivate new growth for them. It's their choice.

 

[Mz_Scarlett]

Hey darlin',

You haven't done anything wrong. You had a flirtateous friendship with another consenting adult. There was no reason for you to suspect that his wife would react this way. People have different kinds of relationships- I had an ex boyfriend who told me point blank that he didn't mind if my chats were flirtateous!

It is unfortunate that your friend is going through all of this and that you have been hurt in the process as well. However, it is up to him to deal with the consequences of his actions. If it were me, I would just leave him to it and move on.

I do hope you stay on Lit...there are a lot of great people here to befriend

Please feel free to drop me a pm if you need someone to talk to.

*Hugs*
Scarlett

 

[russell]

Hi Mags...I am sorry that this happened to you...He and his wife need to work things out between them selves...She feels she has to blame someone so it was you..I'm sure it hurts but I would not have anymore contact with him..Time will ease all pain..If you need to talk more PM me
R

 

[Lancecastor]

Caught? Lob it back!

I think you should return fire at wifey for fucking with your head.

Call her at work, sound kooky, and tell her you're preggers with his child, that you're moving in to their house Nov. 1 and that she might as well start packing now.

Then sit back and watch the human drama unfold.

The point is you are not the "bad" person here. Share the wealth!

And go find a new flirt buddy.

 

[Cheyenne]

You didn't do anything wrong. Let the wife alone though, she is human and hurt.

 

[LadyG]

Cheyenne is right. It's not her fault and she's hurt and angry as I would be if I found out my husband was flirting and carrying on with other women on line.

It's a normal reaction on her part.

I'd shelve the "friend" and back away.

 

[intrigued]

I agree with everyone else, its not you.

A similiar thing happened with me, and that was a very, very long night. I felt horrible for him, but it was worked out.

I hope this will work out for the two of them...as eros said, this has growth potential for them, and the best you can do for yourself is to stop beating yourself up about it. As long as you have let him know how you're feeling, there is nothing else you can do, you cannot fix this for him, only he can.

Don't leave lit over THIS, please?

 

[Draco]

Hmmm..a new slant on an old issue.
Maybe the wife needs to share the blame. If she isn't giving her all to hubby, he wouldn't need to flirt. Maybe, just maybe, this guy did this out of frustration for a cold wife, one not fufilling her part of the marriage vows. Why slap the guy around, lets do it properly, split the blame 3 ways, Him, Her & You. All guilty to some extent.

So far, All I have seen is the husband copping the flak, theres 2 sides or 3 to every story.

Move on, but dont move from LIT.

Dr D

 

[ksmybuttons]

People don't get "caught" unless they want to...or are very, very sloppy with their secrets.

You can't get "caught" if you are not doing anything that will be perceived in a relationship as cheating.

Your 3D relationship is in trouble if a 2D relationship can compromise it.

If there is something on my computer that I don't want anyone to see, I protect it. (And, yes, there is. I have a men of lit penis collection )

 

[Starfish]

I agree with Draco.

When I was 'straying' in my marriage, and chatting and flirting with a certain man, and I realized it was not just because I was sexually deficient, but that my marriage was failing because my husband didn't care to put any emotion into it, and I felt like I was left to deal with everything on my own. It was not fair of him to blame the other man, because he was only doing it, because I enabled it, but when I told Irie what was up, I was ready to take all of the blame for going through with seeking out another, but that he would have to accept blame for neglecting me, and our union so much that it made me feel alone and uncared for, so that I was set up to fail.

Well, needless to say, you didn't do much wrong. They have to work it out, and really, chin up, cause it can work out.

I and Irie are a pretty good example of that, though we still have pretty solid problems, we try, and he sees what he was doing wrong.

It can be okay with time and effort, so don't feel like YOU doomed them, when you didn't.

 

[Debbie]

People don't get "caught" unless they want to...or are very, very sloppy with their secrets.

You can't get "caught" if you are not doing anything that will be perceived in a relationship as cheating.

Your 3D relationship is in trouble if a 2D relationship can compromise it.

If there is something on my computer that I don't want anyone to see, I protect it. (And, yes, there is. I have a men of lit penis collection )

Lit penis pervert.

I agree with ksmybuttons.

If I get caught by my spouse doing something that would /could jeopardize my r/l relationship? I shouldn't be doing it.

Being upfront and honest on the net works wonders.
I flirt, I don't have big probs in my r/l relationship with bigrednz.
He knows what I am up to, who I am chatting with.
We discuss what we both think is acceptable for us in our relationship.
I make sure anyone I chat/flirt with knows I am married and that I will not overstep the boundaries that bigrednz and I have talked about and agreed upon.

People are not always honest on the net. She sould have discovered his chats with you and been horrified. He could have lied about you. No one truly knows but both of them.

 

[cliffchuff]

Re: Caught? Lob it back!

I think you should return fire at wifey for fucking with your head.

Call her at work, sound kooky, and tell her you're preggers with his child, that you're moving in to their house Nov. 1 and that she might as well start packing now.

Then sit back and watch the human drama unfold.

ROTFLMAO

If their is a problem with trust in their relationship thats his shit, he should be more open about what he does on-line.

So long as you didn't by into the 'my wife dosen't' crap and were flirting harmlessly whats her beef? She need to sort it out with him not you.

If he is the sort to decieve her are you sure its not his general nature? why is he secretly sneaking around on the net in the first place?

 

[Guest]

 

[Aphrodisiac]

.......She told me how I had ruined her marriage.. and that I was the cause of her child being hurt... I tried to tell her over and over that Her Hubby had told me he loved her..... I really got a guilt trip put one me.. Why was I talking to her Hubby.. why did he want to talk to me... had I plans to meet him>>> NO..
I guess I am jsut feeling really bad to have caused her this pain..and questioning my need to be at lit at all... I feel so sorry for them....I really just want to go off and cry and hide... any help out there???? Magnolia

Magnolia,

You should not feel bad , I am sure you are feeling bad because of what his wife said to you ... but you did nothing wrong.

You were simply a friend to her husband and like you said its not like the two of you had anything planned... meeting .... etc....

You see instead of his wife getting after you and asking you all these question she should be asking her husband and start talking to him ... from the looks of it ... seems like there is communications problem between them.

Hope you feel better and in my opinion you did not do anything wrong .. the only thing you did was be his friend and that is not wrong.

Feel better...

 

[Guest]

 

[capricious_chic]

First of all, It is NOT your fault!

Everyone flirts; married, single, in a relationship, etc. This is how we interact with one another. It is natural, and doesn't always mean that the relationship has problems. The only problem here is that he obviously never told his wife that he had friends on-line that he flirted with. This is his error, for not being honest with his wife. She is probably in quite a bit of pain and feeling insecure because of his dishonesty. None of which has anything to do with you. Continue to be yourself, and enjoy the friendships that you make. Hopefully some honest discussion between the two of them will help to clear the air. In a very fortuitious turn, you may all become friends from this. If not, then that is unfortunate.. but common. Good luck, and please remember that ultimately this is NOT your fault!!

 

[Magnolia]

HUGSSSSSSSS and THANKSSSSSSSSSS

ya'll have helped in a lot of ways.. thanks magnolia

 

[DragonEyes]

Mags - ironic that this would be my first post, but I have to say something on this subject. You are talking about flirting with a man whose wife is now blaming you for her pain. You may have been flirting g/f, but I'm equally as sure that he was fooling around with someone else online, so her hurt is valid although misdirected. It should be at him. He betrayed her trust in him.
Also, if she had been supplying him with a solution to his needs, he would have no reason to come here, or anywhere else for that matter. Take care Mags, and don't let it distress you. You're not the first, and I'm sure you won't be the last. Hugs!!!



Don't everyone get on my ass about this - it's my opinion, and I'm entitled to it. Guess I've just found my tag line.

 

[freakygirl]

<snip>
Also, if she had been supplying him with a solution to his needs, he would have no reason to come here, or anywhere else for that matter.
<snip>
Don't everyone get on my ass about this - it's my opinion, and I'm entitled to it. Guess I've just found my tag line.

I'm not going to get on your ass about this.. but I would like to point out..

Not everyone is here at Lit because their needs aren't met in real life.