ubertroll
So always to tyrants.
- Joined
- Jul 5, 2003
- Posts
- 11,822
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=121879
I'd love some feedback
[And some votes, damnit!
]
I'd love some feedback
[And some votes, damnit!
]Care to comment
- Thread starter ubertroll
- Start date
dr_mabeuse
seduce the mind
- Joined
- Oct 10, 2002
- Posts
- 11,528
It’s a very well-crafted story, and the writing’s fine, but to me it seems tro lack the concrete sensual detail that would make the sex really come alive. Instead, I found the sex parts to be kind of clinical, a list of who did what to whom. This might just be my own preference. Maybe others found the sex just to their liking, but for my part it was kind of dry and objective.
When I say “concrete sensual detail”, I mean the kind of details that would make the scene really come alive. Obviously the sex is well thought out, but you omitted a lot of the details that would make us feel like we were there, make us feel like we ourselves were experiencing it. For instance: they’re in the back seat of the rear car of a subway train. I’ll bet it would be noisy in there while they’re fooling around, so noisy that her moans and sighs would be drowned out, so her mouth would be oipen but he wouldn’t hear anyuthing above the roar of the train. The car would be rocking slightly, maybe the lights would strobe through the windows as the car passes the stations, giving a surreal air to what he sees. Maybe they pass people waiting on the platform outside, and they can see the peoples’ startled faces blur by as they pass. All of these things could have been brought into the scene to make the sense of being on the train very vivid, playing on the inherent lewdness of sex in a public place where sex was never intended.
I noticed a lack of imagery too, which is part of the same problem. Adjectives are often over-used in porn, whith all the dripping pussies and throbbing cocks, but you seem to have a real aversion to them, and that helps give the sex a kind of arid feel. One good image or striking metaphor can bring a lot of juice to a sex scene.
You write really well, and all I can say is that I think you should push yourself in finding ways to convey the sensual experience of sex in all its juicy glory, and you’ll have something.
All the best,
---dr.M.
When I say “concrete sensual detail”, I mean the kind of details that would make the scene really come alive. Obviously the sex is well thought out, but you omitted a lot of the details that would make us feel like we were there, make us feel like we ourselves were experiencing it. For instance: they’re in the back seat of the rear car of a subway train. I’ll bet it would be noisy in there while they’re fooling around, so noisy that her moans and sighs would be drowned out, so her mouth would be oipen but he wouldn’t hear anyuthing above the roar of the train. The car would be rocking slightly, maybe the lights would strobe through the windows as the car passes the stations, giving a surreal air to what he sees. Maybe they pass people waiting on the platform outside, and they can see the peoples’ startled faces blur by as they pass. All of these things could have been brought into the scene to make the sense of being on the train very vivid, playing on the inherent lewdness of sex in a public place where sex was never intended.
I noticed a lack of imagery too, which is part of the same problem. Adjectives are often over-used in porn, whith all the dripping pussies and throbbing cocks, but you seem to have a real aversion to them, and that helps give the sex a kind of arid feel. One good image or striking metaphor can bring a lot of juice to a sex scene.
You write really well, and all I can say is that I think you should push yourself in finding ways to convey the sensual experience of sex in all its juicy glory, and you’ll have something.
All the best,
---dr.M.
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