Car Park Fun

[Curvy_Brunette]

The link is in my sig file, (below, it's the "Car Park Fun" text)

This is my first story and it is a 90% true account with a few embellishments

Thanks to those who've already sent me feedback.

 

[kbate]

I believe your first three paragraphs should be squeezed into one of about 3 or 4 sentences.

Your fourth paragraph shouldn't start with "and".

The line "our sex life was one that has never stopped." does not work due to the changing verb tenses.


"One night, we were laid talking after sex" another with poor wording.


To say I was shocked was an understatement - Would be an understatement.

Your main weakness is verb usage and keeping consistent verb tense within clauses and sentences.

Some of the thoughts do necessarily flow i.e.

The weather started to grow warmer as spring went away and summer came. The nights got warmer and warmer so we were going to our little secret car park earlier and earlier. Sometimes we'd take a picnic or we'd have BBQ gear and food so we could eat. There was something very liberating about cooking food outside in the nude and making love whenever we felt like it.

could be...
Spring blossomed into summer; the nights became longer and warmer allowing us to spend more time at our secret car park.

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The story and idea are fine, but with better language I think you really would have something.