captainscarlett, Caught, group sex

[captainscarlett]

My first story was just posted. It's called "Caught" and I am proud of it.

I would love some feedback and discussion.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=309814

Thank you for your consideration.

CaptainScarlett

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

There are a lot of things terribly wrong with this story. Telling the story from your own point of view was the first. It's just not very interesting.

The second thing is YOU ARE TELLING THE STORY, NOT SHOWING IT! How many times do we have to say that? When it comes to a short story YOU are a terrible story-teller. The only ones who can tell your story are the characters themselves with their dialogue and actions. That's called SHOWING.

As it is, this story really doesn't do much for me.

You need to go to the Witer's Resources and find an article titled, "Make Your Characters Talk." Read it. Heed it. Use it.

As it is, I have no idea who these characters are. I have no idea what the setting is. I have no idea what this story is about, other than some pervert peeping-tom wanking his cock to some juvinalistic fantasy. It's your fantasy, dude, and no one elses.

That doesn't make a good story. Sorry.

 

[_Lynn_]

There are a lot of things terribly wrong with this story. Telling the story from your own point of view was the first. It's just not very interesting.

The second thing is YOU ARE TELLING THE STORY, NOT SHOWING IT! How many times do we have to say that? When it comes to a short story YOU are a terrible story-teller. The only ones who can tell your story are the characters themselves with their dialogue and actions. That's called SHOWING.

As it is, this story really doesn't do much for me.

You need to go to the Witer's Resources and find an article titled, "Make Your Characters Talk." Read it. Heed it. Use it.

As it is, I have no idea who these characters are. I have no idea what the setting is. I have no idea what this story is about, other than some pervert peeping-tom wanking his cock to some juvinalistic fantasy. It's your fantasy, dude, and no one elses.

That doesn't make a good story. Sorry.

I tried to figure this story out, but I agree with Jenny. Who are these people and what is this about other than a really boring fantasy from some pervert.

In My opinion, it isn't a story, but more just rambling. Sorry.

 

[writelove]

I don't want to discourage the excitement you have of writing. Dashing off something full of passion is where great stories start. Experience makes this better and better.

At first, the passion of putting something into words requires intensive editing. Eventually you probably won't require as much editing especially structural changes.

The following are a few ideas. I am not a great writer myself especially in the erotic area. But I do believe my thoughts below are correct.

- Don't use second person. I know it was first person in a way, but mainly second person as though you couldn't decide.
- Have dialog. People are what is interesting. I want to see your people interact.
- Know your people. How are they different. What are their peculiarities.
- Wrap this scene around a total story where tension exists, and events occur. It shouldn't all be about wanking and penetration.

The most important thing about writing is that you have as much right to write as everyone else. If you never give up no matter what the feedback you will do fine. Part of writing is that you want someone to read it. You will have difficulty with readership until you adjust your way of writing.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Unlike Jenny, I have no problem with a story told in the way you've done. "Show don't tell" is an awfully knee-jerk rule, IMO. It results in as much bad writing as the opposite, and usually with the added issue of tripling the word count-- three times as much bad writing to slog through!

But this isn't horribly bad writing.

One thing I can congratulate you on is that you didn't over-write this, you've achieved a nice spare style. I'd go through and check over each word-- really, each and every word-- to make absolutely sure that it says exactly what you mean it to say. Treat it like a prose poem.

Moreover, I rather liked the second-person structure for this one. It suits the accusatory tone. (I can't imagine being angry that my girlfriend wants to eat pussy, but maybe that's just me)
You change tense in the last two paragraphs, from past to present. It's hard to pull that off. If you mean it to be the present now, you might want to say so; "So here we are, and now I..." or something like that.