Candledim -- feedback

[AmoralAuthor]

Hi, and thanks ahead of time for any feedback. Candledim is about Jamie Winter's attempts to rid his family of a ghost. The ghost is responsible for corrupting any and all of the men in the family.

This is the first chapter, so many things aren't revealed yet. The second chapter will be submitted on Monday. I'm attempting to do one a week.

A warning on this -- it's about incest, and it doesn't pretty it up. If you want your incest to be happy and have no realism, then avoid the story.

Feedback on story, style, interest level, and anything else that strikes is appreciated.

The link -- http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=162133

Thanks again, and I'll respond to any feedback, negative or positive.

Amoral

 

[Varian P]

broken link?

Hi Amoral,
Just a quick heads up--the link to your story doesn't appear to be working, and I couldn't find you in the author index.
-Varian

 

[AmoralAuthor]

Thanks for the heads up. I've fixed the link and doublechecked it.

Already, comments have not been more informative than 'This story sucked', and the observation that I, as the author, must be sick, thus, the reason for the warning.

Well, I wanted an emotional reaction. I got it. lol

Amoral

 

[Varian P]

Goodness knows...

I love a twisted story. I'll check it out.

-Varian

 

[Varian P]

My, my, my!

How deliciously disturbing. I am impressed with your story on many levels. The prose is gorgeous. The plot is intriguing. The characters are distinct and colorful. And the sex is, well, scorching hot in two instances, and revolting in the other, just, I think, as you intended it. I appreciate explorations of this kind—how people experience sex as beautiful and vile and, at times, how those extremes mingle together terribly uncomfortably. And how I envy your knack for conciseness! You packed that whole wallop into a single page!

I have a few scattered thoughts on particular textual elements:

She looked up and ran her tongue, a pink animal bent on murdering his sanity, along the fullest portion of her bottom lip.

The image of the tongue as pink animal just isn’t working for me. First I see little pink squirrels and ferrets, and then a pink animal cookie with rainbow ball sprinkles.

She slid to her knees and kept her eyes on his face, smiling her secretive, Mona Lisa smile. The zipper on his jeans rasped. Cool air greeted his cock. The tip of her tongue grazed it. Fleeting warmth turned cold. Jamie moaned.

Fabulous!

This paragraph, rather less fabulous:

Apparently agreeing, she pulled away and moved gracefully up the steps. Jamie followed, swiftly shutting the apartment door behind them once they'd reached it. He turned, took her in his arms, and resumed kissing her. This time, he allowed his hand to move aside the elastic neckline of her peasant blouse.

“Apparently agreeing,” “resumed kissing her,” and “allowed his hands to…” all feel rather mechanical, a bit cold. You don’t have the same impetus and flow you had in the scene with Rose, which was deliciously hot.

After a bit of a slow start, the Jamie/Ariel scene turns out to be quite gorgeous. There’s a certain melancholy to it, which complicates the eroticism without undermining it.

He had more connections than the Los Angeles airport.

This line seemed incongruous with the rest of the prose—like it had jumped out of a noir detective story into your borderline gothic tale. But it’s colorful and made me smile.

The scene in Robert’s room is well-wrought. The characters, the action are all painfully vivid and immediate and you had me just where you wanted me—squirming in queasy discomfort.

In my opinion, this kind of story has real value. I think erotic themes need to be explored juxtaposed with themes of pain and trauma, since they can’t be kept separate in real life. You do a fine job of this.

-Varian

 

[AmoralAuthor]

Thank you, Varian! I believe you've caught the original intent of the story. I did want to juxtapose the horrific with the sweet, although we'll get more to the sweet later in the novel. (I have an outline, believe it or not. Lol )

Since I've been working on a tendency to be redundant, the comment about conciseness made me smile. Especially in a sex scene, it's easy to repeat the same thing in ten different ways. I'm happy to know I've conquered at least some of the tendency. Especially since you pulled out the paragraph I cut the most before submitting it. (She slid to her knees and kept her eyes on his face, smiling her secretive, Mona Lisa smile. The zipper on his jeans rasped. Cool air greeted his cock. The tip of her tongue grazed it. Fleeting warmth turned cold. Jamie moaned.) I believe I cut about two or three long paragraphs into these few sentences.

The little pink animal may have been a bit much. Lol

The 'apparently agreeing' paragraph was distant. Perhaps it should have been less so, but I wanted to give him some distance from Aria at this point. Character development will cause him to be much closer to her later.

Yeah, the connections line does stand out. I was wondering whether or not to cut it, but, like most lines that probably should have been cut, it was one of my favorites.

And thank you again for the thoughts. Certainly I will be thinking on them as I continue to write.

Amoral

 

[AmoralAuthor]

On the comments there is something about not having a point to the story. I have to say, this is only chapter one. The point will be made by the end of the novel. But thank you for the comment, because now I will be sure to put -- 'to be continued' at the end of each chapter.

Amoral

 

[hiddenself]

To explain

Every story (even if only part of a longer saga) has to have a point. A paragraph should have a tiny little point. A chapter should make a bigger point. And everything should all come together at the end of the book.

Unless you give me something to sink my teeth (or imagination) into up front, some appetizer, some sniff, I won't waddle through pages and chapters just on the writer's say-so that the point will come at the very end of the damn thing. Suspense has its place (in good measure), but unless you are REALLY skilled, I will not persevere until the grand finale that will reveal all in one fell swoop.

After all, it IS posted as an individual story, not a novella.

 

[AmoralAuthor]

All true, hiddenself. I agree completely. There is a point to each paragraph, scene, etc. However, the significance, if it is a novel or novella, may not be seen by the reader until closer to the end. The point of a first chapter is to set up the story, to introduce the main character, the story goal, and the major obstacles to the goal. The point of the first chapter, then, is introduction and set up.

As for why it isn't in novellas or novels, I thought, since it was unfinished, it probably wouldn't be accepted there until all the chapters were written. If this isn't the case, perhaps I should have it moved now, with the appropriate subject warnings in the headings?

Thank you, though, hiddenself. Your points are valid, and something every writer should think about while plotting and writing. However, so many writers use an expositional beginning to 'tell' the reader the point. It's irritating to me, and to many readers who skip over it to get to the action. Revelations should, IMO, happen throughout the story, not all at the beginning. So, I'd like to avoid exposition and let the reader discover the story as the action moves forward. This will probably be a 60,000 word novel, so there's plenty of time to reveal, move forward, and reveal some more.

The goal is that Jamie must rid the family of this ghost,which, I believe, is apparent in the first and second scenes. The obstacles are unclear, but there, I believe. Am I wrong? If I am, then perhaps I need to re-write, which wouldn't surprise me at all. I tend to re-write far more than I write. lol

Anyway, I thank all those who have taken the time to comment, whether the comments were positive or negative. I also want to thank those who've taken the time to read and vote, even those 1 voters. An honest vote means an honest thought, even if it's only the thought that I must be a perverted psychopath.

Amoral