Can you tell the difference?

[SensualCealy]

Can you describe the difference between 'being in love', and loving someone. Just want to hear what you have to say to see if Im way off base with my thoughts.
Cealy

 

[College_geek]

I usually associate "being in love" with someone whom I'm romantically in love with, while I associate "loving someone" with love of all kinds: family, friends, and lovers. But that's just me.

 

[midwestyankee]

I see the phrase "being in love" as descriptive of that early phase of a relationship when the two partners when each feels the other is the center of the universe, can do no wrong, and both seem to be walking on air much of the time.

Loving someone, on the other hand, is an act of will. You extend yourself for the purpose of giving to the other. If a person's primary purpose in life is spiritual growth (as many suggest), then to love another person is to do everything in your power to assist him or her in that spiritual growth.

Loving someone is action, not feeling.

The quality of feeling is the other primary distinction between the two. When we speak of "being in love," we tend to be talking about feelings we ourselves possess. Those feelings are all about how we respond to another person. The state of "being in love" then is a self-centered state. Loving someone, on the other hand, is all action and is other-directed.

For a far better description of this, I suggest looking at M. Scott Peck's book, The Road Less Traveled, A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values and Spiritual Growth.

I hope I made myself clear.

 

[frisky-leo]

For me "Being in love" is the super strong feeling that just flows over you whenever you think of that 'special someone', while Loveing someone is love for Family and close friends. So I agree with CG there.

 

[College_geek]

For a far better description of this, I suggest looking at M. Scott Peck's book, The Road Less Traveled, A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values and Spiritual Growth.

I hope I made myself clear.

I like that idea too, about loving someone being an action. You explained yourself quite clearly, MY.

 

[midwestyankee]

I like that idea too, about loving someone being an action. You explained yourself quite clearly, MY.

Thanks. One of the beauties of this conception is that loving someone is separate from the emotion of "being in love" and this enables one to actively love many people at once. Some we love as family, but others we can love in different ways and can even give romantic love to more than one beloved at a time.

 

[thickspear]

temporary insanity, permanent insanity

i agree with most or all of what has been said so far...just to add a thought or two as valentines day is almost upon us..

i've been in love twice and each involved a high intensity passion...the first masked her tendencies to handle problems poorly...the second was more intense and though fate did not deem that we would stay together, the passion remains for both of us...many years later

the thing that strikes me is that relationships involve projecting dreams/needs and etc onto the other person...when the dreams are exposed as fantasies masquerading as reality the sense of betrayal can be very strong..

and at this time i don't have a clue about how to tell the reality of a very romantic relationship from the dreams/fantasy...except as time reveals..and so far it always has..

this is how i account for people who are in deep romantic love early on and then in deep despise later...

 

[midwestyankee]

Re: temporary insanity, permanent insanity

i agree with most or all of what has been said so far...just to add a thought or two as valentines day is almost upon us..

i've been in love twice and each involved a high intensity passion...the first masked her tendencies to handle problems poorly...the second was more intense and though fate did not deem that we would stay together, the passion remains for both of us...many years later

the thing that strikes me is that relationships involve projecting dreams/needs and etc onto the other person...when the dreams are exposed as fantasies masquerading as reality the sense of betrayal can be very strong..

and at this time i don't have a clue about how to tell the reality of a very romantic relationship from the dreams/fantasy...except as time reveals..and so far it always has..

this is how i account for people who are in deep romantic love early on and then in deep despise later...

This makes a lot of sense to me. We spend a lot of energy creating an internal image of our beloved - and woe unto him or her who does not live up to that image!

I think the best long-lasting relationships are very honest in that each partner has an accurate and honest understanding of the other. When our internal images and our expectations (that can be equally false and improbable) don't match reality that problems arise.

 

[SensualCealy]

I agree, and this is why I asked the question. I am married and some what happily, but I have another man in my life that Id say Im 'IN love" with where as with hubby, I just love him.

The other guy and I have never met but we have talked non-stop for over a year on the phone and would maybe like to visit each other. He knows Im married and doesnt want me to do anything to wreck my marriage.

Im also a realist, I dont think we will ever meet but love having him in my life. Most will say its the excitement of something different and that is true. Is it a bad thing to not feel like Im 'IN love" with my husband after 19 yrs being together?

Hmmm,
thanks for your comments
Cealy

 

[sultresweetie]

I honestly don't think I have ever been in love.
The only man I have ever loved unconditionally is my father. Not in an incestuous way, mind you, although I'm sure Freud would have a thing or two to say.
I will probably never be in love with a man, unless he shares the same fundamental qualities as my father. I'm pretty sure I will never find someone with that much spirit and integrity.

 

[judge not]

I agree, and this is why I asked the question. I am married and some what happily, but I have another man in my life that Id say Im 'IN love" with where as with hubby, I just love him.

The other guy and I have never met but we have talked non-stop for over a year on the phone and would maybe like to visit each other. He knows Im married and doesnt want me to do anything to wreck my marriage.

Im also a realist, I dont think we will ever meet but love having him in my life. Most will say its the excitement of something different and that is true. Is it a bad thing to not feel like Im 'IN love" with my husband after 19 yrs being together?

Hmmm,
thanks for your comments
Cealy

Whether it is a bad thing or not I can't tell you. But it did happen to me. I was married to a beautiful woman for over ten years and I thought everything was fine. I didn't feel the passion I used to feel for her nor did we feel the intimacy that was once there. I thought it was just the natural state of a marriage. One of the phases.

Then I met a woman who completely swept me off my feet. A woman who made me feel young. A woman who made me feel shaky and hopeful and wonderfully alive. It has been five years now since I first felt that plunge into love, and I am still in love with that beautiful woman.

I have finally admitted I am no longer in love with my wife. I love her and always will but I am not in love with her and never will be again. What we had once is no longer there.

So I'm heading for divorce. Hopefully the second time around will be with that woman who touched my soul, who still makes me feel as though the whole world is mine...after five long years. I cannot imagine ever feeling this way for anyone else.

Just a little corner of my story...

 

[DevilishTexan]

I think I can sum it up quicky.
In love: You can't stand to be away from the person.
Love: You'll do anything for them.

So basically, loving someone means you'll do whatever you can for them and want whats best for them. In love means the same but you wanna do it with them. Does that make sense?

 

[Phoenix Stone]

I agree, and this is why I asked the question. I am married and some what happily, but I have another man in my life that Id say Im 'IN love" with where as with hubby, I just love him.

The other guy and I have never met but we have talked non-stop for over a year on the phone and would maybe like to visit each other. He knows Im married and doesnt want me to do anything to wreck my marriage.

Im also a realist, I dont think we will ever meet but love having him in my life. Most will say its the excitement of something different and that is true. Is it a bad thing to not feel like Im 'IN love" with my husband after 19 yrs being together?

Hmmm,
thanks for your comments
Cealy

Hoo boy! It feels like I could SO be in your shoes. If my husband (of 23 years) hadn't stopped me in time. I'm still not sure if I'm happy to have stopped, as it felt sooooo good to go there. If you look on the putting the lust back into love thread, a lot of my story is in there. What I didn't get into was the feeling of first possibly having missed love, my big chance with someone more like me all those years ago, and certainly someone I had and have more lust for. Our stories are the same in some ways, diff in others, as I only 'fell in love with' my husband, though I think I've been ripe for it happening with someone else lately and was halfway there.

What am Igetting at here? There maybe a helpful message or two for you on that other thread. Also, do you ever get those niggling thoughts? Those what-ifs and such where you find yourself sort of talking yourself into one or the other? Don't know if I'm making this clear enough but... it sounds like you may still have doubts if you are still with your husband and haven't even met the other man. Would you like to be in love with your husband again? Have you had patches before where you wondered, or where you were seriously attracted to someone else? How did you deal with them? OR is this out of the blue? What changed? There is too little here to help.

Also, it sounds like you value being in love over loving? For me, being in love is that little bit of stardust that gets sprinkled over the beginning of a relationship. While I've felt sparks of it before, I only really got that 'walking on air, we're the first couple since romeo and juliet to feel this way' feeling with one person -- my husband. We all choose, pick and decide what we think is important. I decided that having felt that once, with him, that there is magic there, and that that is where I hang my hat. Did juliet ever feel lust or passion for anyone else? Bet if she'd lived long enough she would have

I've felt like sleeping beauty who married prince charming and 23 years later got antsy and started wondering about the big bad wolf -- and even Bugs bunny! Weird, I know. But I think that's why they never tell you what happens during 'happy ever after.' People get more complicated.

Don't know if my ramblings have helped any. I"m still trying to find a way to feel that true lust here at home and have ordered a book 'rain mentioned on the other thread from Amazon, called the Erotic Mind, that sounds like it would pertain to your situation, too.

 

[SensualCealy]

Phoenix,
WOW! You hit the nail on the head!
I do wish to remain with my husband and having the other person in my life helps me feel the excitement I wish I had with my husband. The only sparks we have anymore are the ones I get from the damn stove!

As for preferring being in love over loving, Id say I dont prefer either, I want both- is that allowed??? And I want them both with my husband, but dont know how to get it back without him thinking there are other motives or someone else on the side. (He doesnt need to know any different! lol)

I think the 'being in love' is romantic love, the kind you dream of as a teenager and a young woman. Loving someone is the kind of love you always have unconditionally for someone. I know I have unconditional love for him, cause honestly if I didnt Id have killed him long ago! As for the being in love, I think that takes two to make that work. How do I get him to wake up and realize things are fading and fading quickly?

DO you know who authored the book you suggested? The Erotic Mind? Is it any good or have you read it?
Thanks for all your suggestions and help, one day I hope to have both without begging for it!
Cealy

 

[lizzie anne]

love?

MY difference is:

i love my extended family ''sisters"....
but i was in-love with my wives once.

lizzie

(transitioning he to she)

 

[DevilishTexan]

I love women.
I've only been in-love with one.

That does it for me!

 

[Bobmi357]

WOW! You hit the nail on the head!
I do wish to remain with my husband and having the other person in my life helps me feel the excitement I wish I had with my husband. The only sparks we have anymore are the ones I get from the damn stove!

As for preferring being in love over loving, Id say I dont prefer either, I want both- is that allowed??? And I want them both with my husband, but dont know how to get it back without him thinking there are other motives or someone else on the side. (He doesnt need to know any different! lol)

Is it allowed? Depends. Ask your husband if its ok. But you risk an awful lot in asking him. You have a husband whom you claim to love, but it can't be all that great if you're willing to risk everything on a chance with another person.

Maybe you should think about hooking up with this other person, or perhaps you should try to figure out what is missing from your existing relationship and try to fix that. In either case, I personally do not recommend trying to maintain any sort of triangle. In most of those cases everyone ends up getting hurt.

 

[quickfoot]

Be careful too, many people associate the feelings induced by the chemical reactions and endorphins that are generated when a relationship is brand new with being in love.

In my experiance you can love someone without being in love with them but you have to love them to be in love with them. Being in love is doing the little things, knowing what your spouse needs to know and what little intricate details and stresses of life they can live without, warming up their side of the bed, washing the hair out of the sink, watching movies you aren't really interested in but you know they like, taking time away from things you'd like to do to spend with someone you love, and it is something that is built over time and takes a lot of effort and tears to maintain.

Anyone who claims to have been in the perfect marriage for any length of time either has no will power, is completely detatched from reality or never sees their spouse, even people who are great for eachother get on eachothers nerves from time to time.

If you are feeling that the sparks in your marriage are gone rather than looking for the old feelings from someone else you should work with your husband to bring the sparks back into your marriage.

There is a ton of really good information on this and a good marriage counselor would be very beneficial.

As we continue in a relationship it becomes very easy to continue to apprieciate the person but begin taking them for granted. You have kids, careers move on, get new bills, get stressed, etc and you don't have a lot of time for eachother. One exercise that works very well is going on at least one date per week and also sitting down for 30 minutes per day and each of you talking to the other for 15 minutes without any distractions, most people find it hard to do at first but it gets easier.

Your husband may be feeling the same way and may not know what to say or may be afraid to bring it up thinking it would insult or hurt you.

Take some time, think about it, get some counseling preferably with your pouse but even without them is better than no help, and really understand what you are feeling and what you think and what you really need.

Then make a plan to deal with it, it may be better for you to part ways but any action should be carefully considered.

Another really good exercise is to imagine how you would feel if they were suddenly killed, or you were told they were in an accident and you later found they were ok, what type of emotional and gut response would you have?

Think back over your years and all the common experiences you have had and decide if it is worth it to jeopordize it

 

[SensualCealy]

Okay I think some of the later posters got the wrong message.
I love my husband and want to be "IN LOVE" with him again!

The question was, can I have both, with him when I haven't felt it in so long? Then how to bring it back.

The other guy will always be a friend and nothing more, there is a fantasy there but I doubt it will ever come to reality.

If anyone watched Still Standing last night it was the perfect way to explain our relationship, we flirt, we suggest, and we fantasize, but nothing more. I want this with hubby and kinda use it to help our our relationship. ( he gives me ideas to use and such)

With everything that happened last weekend we are on the major rebuilding block of life. He is sucking up and Im taking every drop of it! lol

I know thats evil but damn it I deserve it once in a while!
(nothing for valentines day! lol)

Cealy

 

[Bobmi357]

Then why are you telling this stuff to us instead of him? You've expressed what you want pretty well if you ask me, so now it seems that your next step would be to sit him down and say the same things to him that you've posted here.

If the thought of actually opening this conversation gives you butterflies in your gut, then write him a letter and use the letter as an opening for this conversation.

Don't accuse, don't complain, don't whine, just state what you're feeling and let him know what some of his actions have hurt your feelings. If you approach this from the point of view of "this is a problem we both need to fix" instead of "THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!!!", the conversation should remain calm and productive.

 

[warrior queen]

bobmi - you know i hate to disagree with you *grin*

but your statement....

"Don't accuse, don't complain, don't whine, just state what you're feeling and let him know what some of his actions have hurt your feelings. If you approach this from the point of view of "this is a problem we both need to fix" instead of "THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!!!", the conversation should remain calm and productive."......

...may not always work.

i know it absolutely did not work in my case.
it made no difference how carefully i chose my words, how delicately i phrased my sentences - he still took each and every word as a personal attack on HIM, and we got nowhere.

your statement only works if you BOTH have good communication skills, and are BOTH interested in working equally hard to repair the relationship.

and forgive me if i say this, but after 23-odd years, he should have recognised long before now that there is an issue there!

 

[midwestyankee]

and forgive me if i say this, but after 23-odd years, he should have recognised long before now that there is an issue there!

WQ, usually I agree with most of what you say in your posts, but this time I am going to respectfully beg to differ.

Here's why. For the last several months I have been reassesssing my marriage after having recently celebrated our 25th anniversary. Maybe it's part of the middle-age crisis thing, or maybe it just came from an impending sense of my own mortality, but I decided to do a thorough analysis. I was vaguely aware of some unhappiness but couldn't put a finger on it.

After considerable thought and soul-searching, I was able to articulate my concerns to my SO. She was stunned to hear that I was not happy. She is a bright and generally observant woman, yet she had no idea. Perhaps it's due to my quiet nature, perhaps it's because she could never imagine any major problems festering in the relationship. I can't adequately explain it, but the fact remains that she had no idea. And I asked her this point blank. She had no idea.

I just can't buy the argument that someone in a long-term relationship "ought" to be able to see these things. It doesn't seem realistic to me to expect all parters to be clairvoyant. And it doesn't seem fair to expect that clairvoyance; after all, we accept it when our spouses tell us they can't read our minds.

 

[warrior queen]

WQ, usually I agree with most of what you say in your posts, but this time I am going to respectfully beg to differ.

Here's why. For the last several months I have been reassesssing my marriage after having recently celebrated our 25th anniversary. Maybe it's part of the middle-age crisis thing, or maybe it just came from an impending sense of my own mortality, but I decided to do a thorough analysis. I was vaguely aware of some unhappiness but couldn't put a finger on it.

After considerable thought and soul-searching, I was able to articulate my concerns to my SO. She was stunned to hear that I was not happy. She is a bright and generally observant woman, yet she had no idea. Perhaps it's due to my quiet nature, perhaps it's because she could never imagine any major problems festering in the relationship. I can't adequately explain it, but the fact remains that she had no idea. And I asked her this point blank. She had no idea.

I just can't buy the argument that someone in a long-term relationship "ought" to be able to see these things. It doesn't seem realistic to me to expect all parters to be clairvoyant. And it doesn't seem fair to expect that clairvoyance; after all, we accept it when our spouses tell us they can't read our minds.

i'm not saying that you need to be clairvoyant or psychic in some way - what i was trying to say (in my strange, early-morning way!) was that if there is good communication within the relationship, then these issues would be recognised and addressed before they become major problems.

but if you've managed to go 10, 15, 20 years, and not communicated enough to prevent these things blowing up, then realistically, it is going to take an enormous amount of commitment to communicate and work to make things better.

and BOTH partners will have to work EQUALLY hard to fix it.
and that is where the problems usually become really serious - how many of my friends have i watched go through this, and how many of them disintegrate because one or the other partner is unable, or unwilling, to give the level of commitment required.

(i have also recently gone through this, my ex was not willing to work to help me regain my trust, passion and security in our relationship, because as far as he was concerned, as long as HE was reasonably content, why shouldn't i be!)

 

[herecomestherain]

SensualCealy, hi sorry to wade in at this late stage in the discussion...below is the link to the thread PhoenixStone mentioned about Lust in Marriage,it could be useful as there are many parallels to your situation.

https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php? s=&threadid=228000

The book I referred Miss Phoenix to is "The Erotic Mind-Inner Pathways to Sexual Excitement" by Jack Morin published by Headline ISBN 0 7472 4159 7

I've read many books but this is one that really spoke to me if you like. It talks about amongst many other things about the nature of attraction, about exploring your own peak turn ons, long term relationships and the about the need for self knowledge. I found it very useful, read it a couple of times and dip in and refer to quite often. Freddyand eddy also recommended a book, go to the thread to pick up the details.

Good luck with things, 'rain

 

[midwestyankee]

i'm not saying that you need to be clairvoyant or psychic in some way - what i was trying to say (in my strange, early-morning way!) was that if there is good communication within the relationship, then these issues would be recognised and addressed before they become major problems.

but if you've managed to go 10, 15, 20 years, and not communicated enough to prevent these things blowing up, then realistically, it is going to take an enormous amount of commitment to communicate and work to make things better.

and BOTH partners will have to work EQUALLY hard to fix it.
and that is where the problems usually become really serious - how many of my friends have i watched go through this, and how many of them disintegrate because one or the other partner is unable, or unwilling, to give the level of commitment required.

(i have also recently gone through this, my ex was not willing to work to help me regain my trust, passion and security in our relationship, because as far as he was concerned, as long as HE was reasonably content, why shouldn't i be!)

I can only speak from my own experience, of course, but I think it's fair to say that the sort of communication you describe as necessary has to have a beginning. I found that I had been allowing the relationship to coast because it had become comfortable, much in the way that you can eventually become accustomed to almost any hardship. So as I was the only one who felt there was a problem, I was letting it slide. And I'm talking 20 years of sliding here, so the work we have to do now is enormous.

My point was simply that some people give off no signals, no indications of unhappiness for a long time. I'm sure there are many people just like me who gave off no discernible signals and then just imploded from the accumulated unhappiness without really knowing why or being aware of what hit them. Maybe that's what's behind all those mid-life crises we read about and that make up the core of so many bad movies.

So on one level I am grateful for having reassessed things, and on others I am concerned that I waited far too long to rebuild. We'll see.