Can you help me finish this?

[Guest]

Waking up....

as i lay next to you.. your warm breath on my neck.....you snuggle up against my back... we enter-twine our legs together.... making our bodies as though they are one....... i begin to feel something grow... as you wiggle your hips into me.... oh my..... my body gets a tingling sensation and i know.... you are waking up... ready to put a smile on my face..... ready to start the day off right.... as we always do.... i reach back with my hand and touch your hip.... feeling you lightly with my fingertips...... feeling your hips start to rotate against me... i begin to caress your leg and your body starts to more faster against me....omg.... what a wonderful feeling.....

 

[Chicklet]

help you finish? maybe not. give you some pointers? yes.

stop using so many ...'s - don't use "omg"

 

[PaulX35]

Starts and finishes

Pussiewillow,

You give us a piece of basic start of what could make a great erotic scene. Erotica has the aim to place hot sex into a setting that makes it appealing and thrilling to read. And your lines can basically go anywhere. So your first concern should maybe be to start this, rather than asking others to finish it.

Also keep in mind that writing is more than putting short lines in telegram-style sequence.

Good luck, we'll let you know if we like it

Paul

 

[Guest]

Thank you so much for taking the time to write something to me. It has helped me understand about the difference of writing a quick turn-on piece, and one that people might consider a section of a great story. I take all your words with complete respect of knowing that you have been doing this for awhile, where as i have just started. Thank you again.
Pussiewillow

 

[PaulX35]

In reply...

Pussiewillow,
I'm glad the comments so far were of use. I've not been doing this for really long, you know: I'm a relative newby too, and furthermore one whose first language is not English.
But there's a lot of very good material available here that can get you a quick start in learning to write yourself. Take the time to read it carefully, and keep it in mind whenever you are writing.
Also, there's a great Story Feedback Forum here, where very good feedback is being provided by a lot of talented and nice people.

I wish you good luck

Paul

 

[susurrus]

Well, while I'm throwing my two cents in here and there while lurking the board this morning, I thought I'd lend my expertise (such as it is) here.

You've already been told not to use so many ellipses (I think that's the plural of ellipsis, I don't really know, but that's the technical term for three periods in a row.) The ellipsis is a punctuation form used primarily to indicate an interruption in the flow of an idea.

And the word is 'intertwine'.

As chicklet suggested, don't use 'net abbreviations. If you were writing a dialogue based on a chat session, it might be more acceptable, but keep in mind, not everybody knows what a lot of those abbreviations mean.

What you have here also reads as several rather disjointed thoughts. If you're trying to write a narrative, you need to find a way to make them flow together more. It will make what appears to me to be a sweet, loving event more sensual from the reader's standpoint. Just think about the situation you're writing about. It's a smooth-flowing occurrence, one thing blending almost seamlessly into the next. Disjointed text in a situation like this *almost* reads like a violent act, where the person involved is being inundated with so many inputs, they all can't be absorbed at once, so they register in unconnected blocks of memory. This obviously is not that sort of situation.

You need a true beginning, as well. It appears that this starts somewhere partway through the actual event.

And to make a comment about something you replied to about the difference between a quick turn-on piece and a segment of something more involved. Grammatically and structurally, there should be no difference between the two. The rules apply regardless. The only difference should be length.

Hopefully I don't come off as too much of a jerk here. It isn't my intention. You asked for help, and I'm trying to expand and embellish on what chicklet and Paul have said, and try to add some of my own insight.

There's a lot of stuff to read online. Unfortunately, some of it is really marred by the fact that the writer didn't know or didn't bother to make it readable. The fact that you asked for help indicates you *do* care. Thank you. I've discovered *far* too many web authors who couldn't care less about their readers.

I assume you read some of the stories here and possibly elsewhere. Like Paul suggested, watch how the really good writers (and fortunately, there are many) construct their work. I'd suggest names, but I want you to find your own favorites. Half the fun is digging through the crap and discovering a gem.

You've got the seed there for a lovely little vignette. I look forward to reading it again when you've had a chance to polish it.