Can You Hear Me Now?

[Keroin]

I'm composing a blog post on the art of listening (really listening). This is not a skill I possess in abundance, by the way. It's taken me a number of years to figure this out and I'm working at being a better listener.

What about you? Are you a good listener? Why or why not? How does it make you feel when you know the person you're speaking to is not really listening? How do you deal with that?

 

[graceanne]

I'm an intermittent good listener. I'm a good listener to people I'm comfortable with, but when I'm nervous I chatter like a magpie, and people who are chattering aren't good listeners.

As for not being listened to, I think that good listeners are really rare - but I might be biased as no one in my house is good listener. The only time they hear me is if I'm so pissed I'm screaming, and that rarely happens and usually involves me having said the same thing several times and been ignored.

As for other people who are bad listeners, I usually will just stop trying to communicate with that person. My time and energy are valuable.

 

[Ropebunny]

Being able to truly listen has got to be one of the qualities I value most in a person. I include being attuned to non-verbal communication in that too.

I've been told that I am a good listener. I have also been told that I'm not (the opinion of those that love, so it's probably right!) I do know I find it so much harder to really listen to those I love. I was just about to type that I'm not sure why but I think the noisy child jumping on the couch, ignoring everything I say to him plays a part. When those I love don't put effort in to listen to me I feel obliged to treat them similarly.

There's no one size fits all when others don't listen to me. If this person is generally a good listener but is just distracted it's not a problem - no one is ever always on form. If however I've spoken to someone a number of times and have not felt listened to I try to distance myself from them if I can. I crave connecting emotionally with other people but that requires listening to happen, so if they can't listen they'll never get anywhere near the real me. If I need to deal with that person I will, but I sure won't volunteer to be in their company.

 

[DVS]

In my line of work (and also in my past line of work), it is necessary for me to be able to listen. Some of the people I meet are really pissed, really drunk, really injured, really whatever, so I have to understand what they say to be able to handle them and/or handle their situation. It just comes with the territory. And if people don't think I'm listening, they get even more pissed or whatever, than they were.

But, I've always been kind of a people watcher, voyeur, lurker, etc. so being able to read their body language is usually the first thing I do. I am confronted by a lot of strangers and to put them at ease I strike up a conversation with them. The sooner they calm down the sooner I can understand them.

I know, I'm being kind of convoluted in my post. Did you say something?

I'm a damn good listener. I always have been. And if people don't listen to me (one of my sisters would be a good example or when I'm at a table with only women), it tends to piss me off and I just keep quiet. I can say something and it's as if I'm not even there. That's just rude.

If someone at that table of women says something to me, I'll always hear it, because I'm a good listener. They should give me the same courtesy.

 

[Bramblethorn]

What about you? Are you a good listener?

No. I'm good at shutting up and nodding along, but my mind wanders SO EASILY. Even when the other person's answering a question I just asked, and I want to know the answer.

In the workplace, taking written notes helps me stay on track, but that's not so helpful in other settings.

 

[LallyH]

I think I must be a good listener - in real life, anyway. I have been entrusted with a lot of secrets over the years which have emerged during an outpouring of troubles. I do genuinely find others fascinating - like DVS, I'm a people watcher - and that interest, together the fact that I'm quiet and a bit reserved, seems to encourage people to share and offload to me. And that's fine - I respect the trust they show in me.

Do people listen to me? Yes, usually. But then again, in real life I'm not a constant talker, so perhaps when I do say something it's a surprise.

 

[DVS]

I think I must be a good listener - in real life, anyway. I have been entrusted with a lot of secrets over the years which have emerged during an outpouring of troubles. I do genuinely find others fascinating - like DVS, I'm a people watcher - and that interest, together the fact that I'm quiet and a bit reserved, seems to encourage people to share and offload to me. And that's fine - I respect the trust they show in me.

Do people listen to me? Yes, usually. But then again, in real life I'm not a constant talker, so perhaps when I do say something it's a surprise.

This can be very true. If you are a rambler, people may almost shut you out, assuming what you are saying isn't worth listening to...just more rambling. But, if you don't talk a lot and when you do, you say something worth listening to, people are more likely to listen. They don't want to miss your interesting comments. This is only true with people who are always around you, though.

But, if you are a good listener, you even hear those ramblers. They don't think they are rambling and it's just common courtesy to give them the same respect you want them to give you...listening.

I don't ramble. Really I don't. It might seem like I do, because my posts are often long. That has been explained to me, but it doesn't bother me if people don't read all of my posts. It's their loss. If you take the time to read my posts, there's a lot of interesting words in there and they are all connected into sentences and paragraphs, just like a conversation.

And I try to use correct grammar and spelling, to make it easy to read my posts. A courtesy others don't often return to me when they use "u" instead of "you" and "tmi" instead of "too much information" and "fo" in stead of "fuck off", not to mention using "their" when they should have used "there", or the pronoun "I" when they should have used "me". Don't get me started. Nope, I don't ramble. Really I don't. Hey, are you still reading this? HEY!

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

I'm an intermittent good listener. I'm a good listener to people I'm comfortable with, but when I'm nervous I chatter like a magpie, and people who are chattering aren't good listeners.

What she said.

 

[Recidiva]

Part of listening is having a receptive attitude. I've always been interested in people's stories and in hearing them. I can talk a lot, but I can listen a lot. When I was younger I had a lot of questions about people and the world and the universe and I wanted the answers, which meant listening. But I won't listen to everything. I set my personality to "receptive to what I want to hear" and uninviting of other things. So if someone wants to go on a homophobic or racist rant, I'm not open to that. Receptive to what might be about experience or learning, but not receptive to what might be hateful or destructive.

I don't have that immediacy of philosophical concern now, but I have family and children and friends that may come to me so that I can listen to what they say and help them untangle what's going on their heads.

So my focus has shifted from getting something to giving something, but it's the same skill.

Sometimes I have to parse someone's personality to listen best. Some people want to check with me and they just want to make sure I'm paying attention, so eye contact and "uh huh" at the given intervals is important. Some people want me to tell a story from my own experience that shows I sympathize, some people don't want that story because they feel that takes the attention off them and I only want to talk about myself. Some people want advice, some people just want to express themselves. Understanding the goal of the personality that is talking is part of it.

You can directly ask people what they want, nonjudgmental support, a sympathetic ear, a troubleshooter or whatever else. Sometimes they don't know and that's the first step, get some insight into why the talking is needed in the first place.

 

[MeekMe]

I'm generally quiet. At least I used to be so quiet I could go through a day without saying very much at all. Mister has made me more comfortable and talkative so I'm not as shut in as I used to be. One thing about being the person no one pays attention to has made me very aware of the people and things around me. This doesn't make me a good listener, though. My mind wanders and I tend to think about what I want to say a little longer than most, I think. Sadly I'm quiet and it looks like I'm listening but really I'm trying to figure out what I can say to help.

There are times when I can only listen and offer a hug. my listening skills are not great, but it isn't for lack of trying.

 

[Keroin]

I am absolutely fascinated by these responses. Will post my thoughts on your thoughts later today!

 

[FurryFury]

From very early on I've been the responsible one. Also the entertainer and it's helped me survive some really dangerous situations. So listening wasn't that easy at times. I was good at it if no one saw me but if I were seen I had to deflect and entertain.

I've worked on this quite a bit. I've worked on not letting silences panic me and instead letting them be companionable or openings for the other people to speak. Now I'm a good listener for most people.

But some people just go on and on and on about nothing I care about. I sometimes find myself just smiling or whatever facial expression seems appropriate and uh humming a lot.

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

I think I can be a good listener as long as I can create a moment that is one on one and freeish from distractions. If the topic is dry, I have to make the decision that I am in the act of listening quite consciously.

That said, really feeling heard seems somewhat rare these days. It is sad that this is the case at it also seems that the exchange of feeling heard is at the core of human animal connection, which is strong medicine for the plague of loneliness I see everywhere these days.

 

[midwestyankee]

My capacity for listening is uneven, as it seems to depend at least in part on who my interlocutor is and how I view our relationship. In some cases I have been the traditional "she's only describing her problems to me so I'll find a solution" kind of male. At other times, my capacity to listen and empathize has been scary strong. More and more, I've learned that just listening for the sake of listening is a gift we can give to our friends and lovers. And it's ridiculously cheap, too, which very much appeals to my tiny Scottish heart.

 

[knot_sweet]

it depends on so many things...

Do I know the person? Do I like the person? Does the conversation require my participation? Do I need to know this? Am I genuinely interested in the topic?

A good example is I recently did some charity work...My co-worker and I were sitting there. She's much prettier and much younger than I am, but I got twice as much as she did. Her comment was "people seem to really like you"... It's not that at all. Really. In general, people don't like me at all. But the organisation we were representing attracts a lot of older people and they all have a story to tell. All I did was give them my undivided attention for a few minutes. I wanted to hear their stories and they wanted someone to see them, to listen. Of course, an unintended consequence is the other people who saw me talking to the old people and decided to give me money because of it.

But when my mum talks I've been known to put down the phone, go make coffee, come back two minutes later and say "Yeah? Really?" and she doesn't notice I've been gone. Sometimes her conversation doesn't require any participation from me, just an ear to pour her words in to without me trying to help or sympathise or whatever. Someone to hear, not necessarily listen.

With my friends, of which I have very few, I listen but you'd never know it. We chatter away, interrupting and exclaiming over the top of each other. But I remember everything they say that's important.

I'm not sure if people listen to me. I'm told I have a very loud personality, even when I'm not saying a thing. But that doesn't mean people are listening. In fact, usually they're not.

 

[DVS]

From very early on I've been the responsible one. Also the entertainer and it's helped me survive some really dangerous situations. So listening wasn't that easy at times. I was good at it if no one saw me but if I were seen I had to deflect and entertain.

I've worked on this quite a bit. I've worked on not letting silences panic me and instead letting them be companionable or openings for the other people to speak. Now I'm a good listener for most people.

But some people just go on and on and on about nothing I care about. I sometimes find myself just smiling or whatever facial expression seems appropriate and uh humming a lot.

So...you were humming? I thought you were moaning!!!!

 

[DVS]

People also tend to stop listening, if someone says they will do something and they don't do it, or when their statements seem unrealistic. The more they make such statements, the more their words become hollow. Think of all the greats who were first shunned, when they mentioned an invention that would eventually change the world.

You can talk as much or as little as you want, but if you do something when you say you will, people are more likely to assume your words have substance.

 

[FurryFury]

LMAO.

So...you were humming? I thought you were moaning!!!!

 

[IrisAlthea]

I'm a better reader but I can listen well too sometimes.
When I don't, it's usually because my own agenda or my own view of the situation (or even of the world) gets in the way. That's when they talk, I listen but don't really hear what they are actually saying.
Other times it's because I don't do well with chit chat and then I get distracted.

How I react when people don't listen, depends on the situation.

 

[Ahlam]

I listen to all of the things all of the time (it's part of my psychosis). You'd think this would make me an especially good listener, but it really doesn't. When I am giving someone my attention, I am very actively making an effort to pay attention only to what they are saying and not to everything else that also happens to be going on. It's work and it becomes more challenging when the person is discussing something I'm uninterested in or presenting information to me in the form of lists. Ugh! Anything but lists! I'll behave, I promise!!

That's part of why I like hypnosis so well. Distractions become less distracting.

 

[JamieJ424]

With one notable exception, I am a much better listener than I am a sharer. I've found that if you draw someone out, it's remarkable how little you have to share...which works for me because, with one notable exception, I hate sharing.

J

 

[Keroin]

At last, I have a quiet time and space to really read, reflect on, and LISTEN to your responses. Thanks everyone!

I'm a good listener to people I'm comfortable with, but when I'm nervous I chatter like a magpie, and people who are chattering aren't good listeners.

Yes, I definitely find I like to fill blank spaces when I'm nervous. I've tried to be more conscious of this and talk less but easier said (pun!) than done.

As for not being listened to, I think that good listeners are really rare - but I might be biased as no one in my house is good listener.

No, I think you're right. Good listeners ARE rare.

Being able to truly listen has got to be one of the qualities I value most in a person. I include being attuned to non-verbal communication in that too.

Don't you find that when you sense someone is *really* listening to you, there's almost an instant trust that forms?

I do know I find it so much harder to really listen to those I love. I was just about to type that I'm not sure why but I think the noisy child jumping on the couch, ignoring everything I say to him plays a part.

HA! Yes, that would make it difficult.

There's no one size fits all when others don't listen to me. If this person is generally a good listener but is just distracted it's not a problem - no one is ever always on form. If however I've spoken to someone a number of times and have not felt listened to I try to distance myself from them if I can.

This makes sense. When I feel someone is not listening to me, repeatedly, I feel as if I have no value to them. In turn, they cease to have value to me.

But, I've always been kind of a people watcher, voyeur, lurker, etc. so being able to read their body language is usually the first thing I do. I am confronted by a lot of strangers and to put them at ease I strike up a conversation with them. The sooner they calm down the sooner I can understand them.

I'm curious, DVS, what kind of techniques do you use in these conversations to calm people?

I can say something and it's as if I'm not even there. That's just rude.

It is rude. Funny how we don't really teach listening skills to kids. Well, I'm sure some parents do but, in school...?

No. I'm good at shutting up and nodding along, but my mind wanders SO EASILY.

Oh yes. The wandering mind, I know it well. I'm a notorious daydreamer. As a kid, I ended up with a major ear infection because no one noticed that I had stopped hearing. They were so used to me being off in my own world and not answering when spoken to that they missed a genuine medical condition.

As did I, lol.

In the workplace, taking written notes helps me stay on track, but that's not so helpful in other settings.

Notes are good. Have you tried making mental notes in social settings?

Do people listen to me? Yes, usually. But then again, in real life I'm not a constant talker, so perhaps when I do say something it's a surprise.

I bet you're one of those people who, when they finally do speak, always has something interesting to say. I love those kinds of people!

What she said.

DGE, I think you are the perfect example of good e-listening. One of the reasons I enjoy interacting with you is that I know I will receive some kind of response. This shows me that you actually took the time to read and digest what I had to say--even if it was just silly babble. (As it often is).

I would go so far as to suggest that this is a big factor in why people here on Lit are drawn to you (and they are, don't try and sluff that off with some witty comment). You make people feel special, simply by reading and responding to what they write. I've tried to emulate you--as time allows.

I set my personality to "receptive to what I want to hear" and uninviting of other things. So if someone wants to go on a homophobic or racist rant, I'm not open to that. Receptive to what might be about experience or learning, but not receptive to what might be hateful or destructive.

Yes, yes, and YES! Depending on the social situation, I often try to avoid conflict, and there is simply no way I can listen to hatespeak without responding. So, I tune out. In those circumstances, I think not-listening is a good skill to develop.

Sometimes I have to parse someone's personality to listen best. Some people want to check with me and they just want to make sure I'm paying attention, so eye contact and "uh huh" at the given intervals is important. Some people want me to tell a story from my own experience that shows I sympathize, some people don't want that story because they feel that takes the attention off them and I only want to talk about myself. Some people want advice, some people just want to express themselves. Understanding the goal of the personality that is talking is part of it.

Well put, especially the part in bold. Do you think this is a kind of intuition your born with or is it a skill that can be learned like any other?

I'm generally quiet. At least I used to be so quiet I could go through a day without saying very much at all. Mister has made me more comfortable and talkative so I'm not as shut in as I used to be.

Does it make you happy to have more of a "voice" now?

I've worked on this quite a bit. I've worked on not letting silences panic me and instead letting them be companionable or openings for the other people to speak.

Again, yes. Those silent moments. Why do they induce panic? I feel the same.

That said, really feeling heard seems somewhat rare these days. It is sad that this is the case at it also seems that the exchange of feeling heard is at the core of human animal connection, which is strong medicine for the plague of loneliness I see everywhere these days.

Do you think we're getting worse at listening? If so, why?

More and more, I've learned that just listening for the sake of listening is a gift we can give to our friends and lovers. And it's ridiculously cheap, too, which very much appeals to my tiny Scottish heart.

LOL! But, yes, this is what I am also discovering. I think of the people in my life are genuinely good listeners and I love the way they make me feel. I want to make the people around me feel the same.

A good example is I recently did some charity work...My co-worker and I were sitting there. She's much prettier and much younger than I am, but I got twice as much as she did. Her comment was "people seem to really like you"... It's not that at all. Really. In general, people don't like me at all. But the organisation we were representing attracts a lot of older people and they all have a story to tell. All I did was give them my undivided attention for a few minutes. I wanted to hear their stories and they wanted someone to see them, to listen. Of course, an unintended consequence is the other people who saw me talking to the old people and decided to give me money because of it.

This is brilliant. I love it.

But when my mum talks I've been known to put down the phone, go make coffee, come back two minutes later and say "Yeah? Really?" and she doesn't notice I've been gone. Sometimes her conversation doesn't require any participation from me, just an ear to pour her words in to without me trying to help or sympathise or whatever. Someone to hear, not necessarily listen.[/QUOTE]

Oh man, you're talking about my sister!

With my friends, of which I have very few, I listen but you'd never know it. We chatter away, interrupting and exclaiming over the top of each other. But I remember everything they say that's important.

I LOVE dynamic conversations! I love when interesting, passionate people gather and talk loudly, often over top of each other.

When I don't, it's usually because my own agenda or my own view of the situation (or even of the world) gets in the way. That's when they talk, I listen but don't really hear what they are actually saying.

I'd guess this is a stumbling block for many. I know it takes a conscious effort on my part to put aside my thoughts, my ideas, my biases, and really be open to what the other person is saying. It's work, plain and simple.

That's part of why I like hypnosis so well. Distractions become less distracting.

Now I'm curious! How do you use hypnosis? Can you share more?

I've found that if you draw someone out, it's remarkable how little you have to share...which works for me because, with one notable exception, I hate sharing.

As mentioned, I think most people crave human contact and want to feel listened to and valued, so I agree that it probably doesn't take much to draw someone out. And if, by doing so, you make someone's day a bit brighter? Awesome.

And if anyone's interested, here's the post I wrote about this subject:

http://the-coconut-chronicles.com/2013/10/05/la-la-la-i-cant-hear-you/

 

[bhndblueyes88]

I try to listen. However for some reason I have a really hard time filtering extraneous noise which makes it more difficult to pay attention.

 

[DVS]

I'm curious, DVS, what kind of techniques do you use in these conversations to calm people?

Well, it's really pretty simple and it follows the question of this thread. You give the person simple respect. You listen to them. You make it seem like what they have to say is important to you. You keep your own emotions in check, so they will start to calm down. You let them rant. One person can't carry on an argument alone.

It's really just giving someone your attention, so they can say what's on their mind. It can be amazing in how well this works, if you have a confrontational individual yelling at you. Aside from anything else that might be influencing their temper, they usually just want to be heard and are tired of being treated as less than an equal. When all is said and done, they might not get their way, but they can accept it, if they feel the person in authority actually listened to them.

It might be a problem they have that needs solved, or maybe they're being accused of breaking the law. Listen to them and understand them. Make them feel like an equal.

 

[cliper2]

I'm very late to this thread, but I've been thinking about this so I appreciate the posts. Listening seems to be a skill slipping away from us, in general.

I think listening is a skill to be practiced consciously. And, yes, in this world where everyone is an expert on everything we are too quick to share our thoughts before truly hearing, digesting, and respecting the thoughts of others.

Listening, truly listening, to someone is a compliment. I've been a journalist for a long time. People tell me things they don't tell others because they get a sense I am genuinely interested in what they have to say. They say something. I ask for more details. I want to hear them.

People who listen are curious, willing to have their notions challenged.

One last thought: I think good listeners are secure, confident people. A few years ago, I dated a woman who clearly was on the edge of her seat in social groups waiting for someone to stop talking so she could interject. Sometimes she didn't wait. (We all know these types). It was partly because she was insecure that she needed to turn the conversation down paths comfortable for her.