Can you hear it, my love?

[sharingisloving]

Can you hear it, my love?

The whispers of the evening wind,
Softly singing the sun to its rest.
“Another day is through,” it says.
“Lay down with me under the moon,” it says.
“And I will sing to you,
The songs of nature,
And of dreams being born.
The songs of love,
And of pain slowly eases from burdened shoulders.
The songs of hope,
And of tomorrows with me by your side.
Lay and rest in my arms,
For tonight and forever,” it says.

Can you hear it, my love?
The chirping of birds in the morning,
The many voices of neighbors and friends,
And of me whispering to you,
“Good morning, love.
I am the wind,
That kept you cool under the hot Californian sun.
I am the wind,
That teases your hair as I caressed those frowns away.
For you, my love, I will be the eternal wind.”
Together, my love, we will walk towards tomorrow.”


---This is a poem I wrote a while back in response to a really sad poem I read. Please let me know what you think and hit me hard if you find grammar errors ok? ^_^

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Hello and welcome. I think you could dispose of the 'it says' and consequentally the quotation marks, and if you take out the capital letters at the beginning of each line and just put them at the beginning of each sentence this would help the flow for the reader. You could even dispose of the 'and of's' cut it more to the bone

I will sing to you
the songs of nature,
dreams (just*) being born.

 

[EroticOrogeny]

Another welcome.
UnderYourSpell has some good suggestions. A couple of additional observations:
You have mixed tenses in 'That teases your hair as I caressed those frowns away'.
I think 'tease your hair as I caress those frowns away' works better and perhaps drop 'as'.
Rather picky, but I'd drop the 'n' and go with 'California'

 

[poetedge5455]

Hi. This is nice, and I am in a thoroughly jaded mode right now. UnderYS IS RIGHT AS USUAL. Nix all 'it says. Also kill the 'ands'.

The songs of love,
And of pain slowly eases from burdened shoulders.

Grammar prob or extra word. I do this all the time when I revise. I wind up leaving a 'tickhead' from the previous draft.

So, it is either love,,,and pain...eases, or 'and of pain,,,easING...' (but kill that and, lol)

EO already got the other tense thing. I vote Cali...a too.

 

[sharingisloving]

Thank you for the advices UnderYourSpell, EroticOrogeny, and poetedge5455. I just came back from a long camping trip and preparations for it so I couldn't respond that fast to your suggestions.

I made some changes incorporating all of your advises, however, not the quotation marks at the end though because it's special for me. ^_^ Please tell me what you think again.

Can you hear it, my love?
Whispers of the evening wind,
softly singing the sun to its rest.
Another day is through.
Come lay down with me under the moon.
I will sing to you
the songs of nature,
and dreams (just) being born.
The songs of love,
slowly eases the pain from burdened shoulders.
The songs of hope,
and tomorrows with me by your side.
Lay and rest in my arms
for tonight and forever.

Can you hear it, my love?
The chirping of birds in the morning.
The many voices of neighbors and friends.
My whispers to you,
“Good morning, love.
I am the wind,
that kept you cool under the hot sun.
I am the wind,
that teased your hair as I caressed those frowns away.
For you, my love, I will be the eternal wind.
Together, my love, we will walk towards tomorrow.”

 

[takemyhands]

Hi all, this is "sharingisloving". I just found my old account, so I closing the "sharingisloving" account.

However, I am serious about making corrections on the poem so I can frame it in my room.