Can this sentence be broken into more bits? Or otherwise...

[AG31]

...improved?

I thought about the language for this sentence for literally two days. I finally settled on something that includes all the things I wanted included, but I'm wondering if there's a way to make it flow more, without giving up any of the details. I was inspired to make this post by the success (from my perspective) of yesterday's post, "Which sentence is better?"

The setting is two men, strangers, in a secluded area of some dunes. It's the first time the recipient has ever been with a man. The one is preparing to enter the other from behind.

"He savored the unfamiliar feel of firm, masculine flesh, roughened by hair, pressing against the sensitive skin of his inner thighs."

If you need more context, the plan is to insert this into my very short story Idyll.

 

[TheRedLantern]

My take:

He savored the feel of masculine flesh, roughened by hair, pressing against his sensitive inner thighs.

My reasoning:

I assume the reader knows it's this character's first time with a man and we're not finding out in this instant so I cut "unfamiliar". There were a lot of "f" sounds that my mental voice kind of stuttered over, so "firm" got cut, too, which let me drop a comma. "Sensitive skin" didn't feel right to me, so I cut "skin" and applied that descriptor directly to his inner thighs. I might even drop "sensitive" altogether. Everyone's inner thighs are pretty sensitive, especially when all their blood is in that area. Keep it if his inner thighs are unusually sensitive for some reason

Slightly leaner version (only 1 word cut):

He savored the feel of masculine flesh, roughened by hair, pressing against his inner thighs.

 

[iwannadobadthingswithyou]

This is not exactly what you were asking, but does hair make the skin rougher? It's not really my area of expertise, but I've shaved hair on various parts of my body, including back there, and without hair it felt... squeakier to me. Not to mention a couple of days later when the hair starts to grow and it turns into sandpaper.

 

[Kumquatqueen]

My take:

He savored the feel of masculine flesh, roughened by hair, pressing against his sensitive inner thighs.

My reasoning:

I assume the reader knows it's this character's first time with a man and we're not finding out in this instant so I cut "unfamiliar". There were a lot of "f" sounds that my mental voice kind of stuttered over, so "firm" got cut, too, which let me drop a comma. "Sensitive skin" didn't feel right to me, so I cut "skin" and applied that descriptor directly to his inner thighs. I might even drop "sensitive" altogether. Everyone's inner thighs are pretty sensitive, especially when all their blood is in that area. Keep it if his inner thighs are unusually sensitive for some reason

Slightly leaner version (only 1 word cut):

He savored the feel of masculine flesh, roughened by hair, pressing against his inner thighs.

I like this a bit better, though the original sentence wasn't bad. You could then follow it with something about the unfamiliar scrub against his soft skin, to get the words 'unfamiliar' and 'skin' back in there.

If the surrounding sentences are short, the OP sentence is fine, but you wouldn't want multiple sentences that long in a paragraph. Probably.

 

[Kumquatqueen]

This is not exactly what you were asking, but does hair make the skin rougher? It's not really my area of expertise, but I've shaved hair on various parts of my body, including back there, and without hair it felt... squeakier to me. Not to mention a couple of days later when the hair starts to grow and it turns into sandpaper.

Compare your outer thigh (assuming hairy and male?) to your inner thigh. Definitely different to a woman's outer thigh.

 

[TheRedLantern]

though the original sentence wasn't bad

YES! The original sentence is great. My initial reaction was to say that it would be tough to improve on. I had to stare at it, say it in my head, and play around with it for a few minutes before I could start to see any changes that might tighten its belt even a little.

Even then it's only because I'm procrastinating from revising my own stuff at the moment, so my brain was already in revising mode.

 

[StillStunned]

There's a lot of information there, probably too much for an online reader on their phone. I'd try something like this:

"The feel of firm, masculine flesh was unfamiliar to him. Roughened by hair, pressing against the sensitive skin of his inner thighs. He found himself savouring it."

Besides being reduced to more manageable bites, this has the benefit of making the sensations more immediate, because you're showing, not telling. Then there's a mental pause as he decides that he likes it. The various alliterations tie it all together, though.

 

[AG31]

My take:

He savored the feel of masculine flesh, roughened by hair, pressing against his sensitive inner thighs.

My reasoning:

I assume the reader knows it's this character's first time with a man and we're not finding out in this instant so I cut "unfamiliar". There were a lot of "f" sounds that my mental voice kind of stuttered over, so "firm" got cut, too, which let me drop a comma. "Sensitive skin" didn't feel right to me, so I cut "skin" and applied that descriptor directly to his inner thighs. I might even drop "sensitive" altogether. Everyone's inner thighs are pretty sensitive, especially when all their blood is in that area. Keep it if his inner thighs are unusually sensitive for some reason

Slightly leaner version (only 1 word cut):

He savored the feel of masculine flesh, roughened by hair, pressing against his inner thighs.

I like this! And I like hearing your reasoning.

 

[AG31]

This is not exactly what you were asking, but does hair make the skin rougher? It's not really my area of expertise, but I've shaved hair on various parts of my body, including back there, and without hair it felt... squeakier to me. Not to mention a couple of days later when the hair starts to grow and it turns into sandpaper.

Well, yeah. My hubby's legs feel rougher to me than mine do. Don't know what other adjective to use.

 

[AG31]

There's a lot of information there, probably too much for an online reader on their phone. I'd try something like this:

"The feel of firm, masculine flesh was unfamiliar to him. Roughened by hair, pressing against the sensitive skin of his inner thighs. He found himself savouring it."

Besides being reduced to more manageable bites, this has the benefit of making the sensations more immediate, because you're showing, not telling. Then there's a mental pause as he decides that he likes it. The various alliterations tie it all together, though.

I like this quite a bit too. An embarrasment of riches.

 

[Britva415]

the hair starts to grow and it turns into sandpaper

Like, way to answer your own question, man

 

[AG31]

This was fun! Thanks to all. Here's what I decided.

@StillStunned: The feel of firm, masculine flesh was unfamiliar to him. Roughened by hair, pressing against the sensitive skin of his inner thighs. He found himself savouring it.

I liked this very much, but I knew almost immediately that I wouldn't choose it. It wasn't till this morning that I could articulate why. It was too engaging. It hovered around smile territory. The tone of my stories is more sober, distanced. In my mind, anyway. I hope it comes through to the reader. But engaging is good, very good, in someone else's story. @StillStunned, do you think "engaging" applies to your writing?

@TheRendLantern: He savored the feel of masculine flesh, roughened by hair, pressing against his sensitive inner thighs.

"I assume the reader knows it's this character's first time with a man and we're not finding out in this instant so I cut "unfamiliar."
Yes. It took me a while to come up with "unfamiliar" after rejecting "novel" and "new." But you're right. It isn't needed.

"There were a lot of "f" sounds that my mental voice kind of stuttered over, so "firm" got cut, too, which let me drop a comma."
I really liked "firm" when I hit upon it, after rejecting "hard" and "strong." I reflected on 'f' sounds and decided that I didn't hear to many, so I put firm back.

"Sensitive skin" didn't feel right to me, so I cut "skin" and applied that descriptor directly to his inner thighs. I might even drop "sensitive" altogether. Everyone's inner thighs are pretty sensitive, especially when all their blood is in that area. Keep it if his inner thighs are unusually sensitive for some reason'
Perfect, except that I may noodle over leaving out "sensitive" for a while.

Well, noodling didn't take long. I dropped "sensitive." "Roughened" tells us all we need to know.
I assume I can drop this in my story without interrupting the flow with a footnote credting you?

Here's the complete paragraph with the insertion in bold.

“OK, now I want you to pull your knees up to your sides. Stay as flat to the ground as you are able without pain. Don’t stress too much here.” The man touched the strong ligaments that held the front of Scott’s thighs to his pelvis. “If you were seven years old you could stay flat to the ground but you’re not, and you’ll be in this position for a while.” Scott adjusted himself until he was comfortable, but in an embarrassing situation. The stranger knelt between Scott's legs and he savored the feel of firm, masculine flesh, roughened by hair, pressing against his inner thighs. “You need to feel very exposed. Just imagine what I’m seeing from here.” The man put a thumb on either side of Scott’s asshole and pulled it open. Scott pressed his forehead into the sand underneath the fabric and focused as directed. The delicious humiliation caused a spasm in his lower abdomen which the man could feel, as he had spread his hands there. He pressed Scott with his fingers appreciatively. Scott felt like he was melting.

 

[MillieDynamite]

As my Mum would say, I thought it was pretty speci right off. (Speci is, I suppose, Auzzie for Special)

...improved?

I thought about the language for this sentence for literally two days. I finally settled on something that includes all the things I wanted included, but I'm wondering if there's a way to make it flow more, without giving up any of the details. I was inspired to make this post by the success (from my perspective) of yesterday's post, "Which sentence is better?"

The setting is two men, strangers, in a secluded area of some dunes. It's the first time the recipient has ever been with a man. The one is preparing to enter the other from behind.

"He savored the unfamiliar feel of firm, masculine flesh, roughened by hair, pressing against the sensitive skin of his inner thighs."

If you need more context, the plan is to insert this into my very short story Idyll.

 

[TheRedLantern]

I assume I can drop this in my story without interrupting the flow with a footnote credting you?

You're 1000% welcome to use anything in whole or in part. No need to credit me (although who doesn't love getting a shout-out from a peer?)