can someone help me?

[Techfreak_Inc]

im a new member to this site and im looking for someone who could help me with a story that i have started, or give me some pointers? heres what ive written so far:

The night air was crisp as a tall figure dressed in a long black cloak walked out of the forest and through meddow surounded by norcopse trees (a rare form of elm) where a gigantic air balloon waited.
She was a detailed copy of lady liberty.

The balloon was floating ten feet off the ground with long ropes trailling down the sides, staked to the ground with staples.
The cloaked figure yelled something in an anciant language, there was a moments silence... "BANG" a loud pop exploded into the still night air and a oddly glowing rope ladder flew out over the edge of her basket an stopped to rest not half an inch above the ground.
The figure turned around exposing the elongated handsome face of an elf.

Scanning the landscape to check that no one saw the strange happenings that had just previously taken place, he quickly walked back into the surrounding forest.


***(norcopse trees are ficticious)***

 

[neonlyte]

Inc,
I think, you are giving those who might wish to offer advice too little to work with. Fantasy is not my genre, I can only suggest you look at a few stories in the Fantasy section and see how other writers have approached their story telling.

Good luck.

 

[Liar]

im a new member to this site and im looking for someone who could help me with a story that i have started, or give me some pointers? heres what ive written so far:

The night air was crisp as a tall figure dressed in a long black cloak walked out of the forest and through meddow surounded by norcopse trees (a rare form of elm) where a gigantic air balloon waited.
She was a detailed copy of lady liberty.

The balloon was floating ten feet off the ground with long ropes trailling down the sides, staked to the ground with staples.
The cloaked figure yelled something in an anciant language, there was a moments silence... "BANG" a loud pop exploded into the still night air and a oddly glowing rope ladder flew out over the edge of her basket an stopped to rest not half an inch above the ground.
The figure turned around exposing the elongated handsome face of an elf.

Scanning the landscape to check that no one saw the strange happenings that had just previously taken place, he quickly walked back into the surrounding forest.


***(norcopse trees are ficticious)***

Hi and welcome to the Hangout.

Like neonlyte said, that's a rather short piece to say anything conclusive about. As far as it goes it's pretty readable. But...uh...go on with the story.

There are two things you write that confuses me though:
* "(a rare form of elm)". Why do you feel the need to clarify that? Does it add anything to the story that it's a rare form of elm?
* "She was a detailed copy of lady liberty." Now, I don't know what that means. Is she huge and green like the statue? Is it the robe you mean? Is it the, um, spikes on her head? The comparison seems a little out of place, if you ask me.

Well, good luck.

 

[Techfreak_Inc]

new thread

Hi and welcome to the Hangout.

Like neonlyte said, that's a rather short piece to say anything conclusive about. As far as it goes it's pretty readable. But...uh...go on with the story.

There are two things you write that confuses me though:
* "(a rare form of elm)". Why do you feel the need to clarify that? Does it add anything to the story that it's a rare form of elm?
* "She was a detailed copy of lady liberty." Now, I don't know what that means. Is she huge and green like the statue? Is it the robe you mean? Is it the, um, spikes on her head? The comparison seems a little out of place, if you ask me.

Well, good luck.

i see what you mean about this but i have added a lot more to the story than before and i realized that i had made many mistakes which i edited perfection comes with practice and many mistakes. should i start a new thread?

 

[Techfreak_Inc]

Inc,
I think, you are giving those who might wish to offer advice too little to work with. Fantasy is not my genre, I can only suggest you look at a few stories in the Fantasy section and see how other writers have approached their story telling.

Good luck.

thanks for the info, its very much appreciated

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Inc,
Welcum to Lit. Go here -----> http://www.literotica.com/storyxs/writ_stor.shtml

Read a lot in there. Define, maybe even outline, your story. Then you'll do ok...

 

[3113]

Confusing!

The night air was crisp as a tall figure dressed in a long black cloak walked out of the forest and through meddow surounded by norcopse trees (a rare form of elm) where a gigantic air balloon waited.

Okay. You need an editor here. You've got a few problems: (1) run-on sentences. For example, "The night air was crisp as a tal figure dressed in a long black cloak...." goes on and on!

Try, "A tall, cloaked figure walked out of the forest into the meadow. The night was cold and crisp." Break up the sentences--move them around, and keep them at a reasonable length.

(2) "frontloading" syndrome. That's where you think you have to tell the reader everything up front. Color of cloak, night air, type of elm, etc. You can break up information. You don't need to tell the reader everything in the first line--you just need to get them interested.

(3) A lack of clarity in laying out the scene for the reader. For example: "She was a detailed copy of lady liberty." Do you mean the elm (why is an elm a "she"?) or the coaked figure? Because I thought you meant the cloaked figure--that's the only thing in this scene that could have a gender--and then the she turns into a "he" and that confuses me even more.

(4) A lack of clarity in action: This balloon...how big is it? Ropes suggest big, but "staples" might be small. And the bang/pop...did the balloon pop?


(5) Confusion regarding what we're suppose to know about this world or not know. Example: "The figure turned around exposing the elongated handsome face of an elf." Are elves the only ones with elongated, handsome faces in this world? Or is there something else that distinguishes him as an elf and not a man with an elongated handsome face? You haven't introduced your reader to your elf race, so we don't know why just seeing this guy's face would tip us off that he was an elf and not a tall guy with an elongated face.

Does this help?

 

[Techfreak_Inc]

Okay. You need an editor here. You've got a few problems: (1) run-on sentences. For example, "The night air was crisp as a tal figure dressed in a long black cloak...." goes on and on!

Try, "A tall, cloaked figure walked out of the forest into the meadow. The night was cold and crisp." Break up the sentences--move them around, and keep them at a reasonable length.

(2) "frontloading" syndrome. That's where you think you have to tell the reader everything up front. Color of cloak, night air, type of elm, etc. You can break up information. You don't need to tell the reader everything in the first line--you just need to get them interested.

(3) A lack of clarity in laying out the scene for the reader. For example: "She was a detailed copy of lady liberty." Do you mean the elm (why is an elm a "she"?) or the coaked figure? Because I thought you meant the cloaked figure--that's the only thing in this scene that could have a gender--and then the she turns into a "he" and that confuses me even more.

(4) A lack of clarity in action: This balloon...how big is it? Ropes suggest big, but "staples" might be small. And the bang/pop...did the balloon pop?


(5) Confusion regarding what we're suppose to know about this world or not know. Example: "The figure turned around exposing the elongated handsome face of an elf." Are elves the only ones with elongated, handsome faces in this world? Or is there something else that distinguishes him as an elf and not a man with an elongated handsome face? You haven't introduced your reader to your elf race, so we don't know why just seeing this guy's face would tip us off that he was an elf and not a tall guy with an elongated face.

Does this help?

hmm...interesting, ill think about it. thanks for the pointers, heres the updated version:it still has many of the problems as stated above but i did edit it a great deal:


THE DESTRUCTION OF THE STATES


A tall figure dressed in a long black cloak walked out of the forest and into a meddow surounded by norcops trees,where a gigantic air balloon sat waiting.
The balloon was floating ten feet off the ground with long ropes trailling down the sides, tied to the ground and held in place buy huge wooden stakes
The cloaked figure yelled something in an anciant language, there was a moments silence... "BANG" a loud pop exploded into the still night air and a oddly glowing rope ladder flew out over the edge of its basket an stopped to rest not half an inch above the ground.
The figure turned around exposing the pale skinned elongated handsome face of an elf.

My name is Lucious Demonican, I was born in the year of our lord 2948. I am the head of the Society of Corpse Animatronix (SCA) and own Techfreak Animatronx Inc. a company that destroys captured shadows and locks away dark necros where they cannot escape to create more havock upon our already crumbling planeta. I have studdied many rare crumbling pages saved from the days when humans in their great discovery of weapons of mass distruction, believed themselfs to control the fate of all living things and set out to cut each opposing country from the face of the planet that at that time was known as earth. This is a solid account starting from the time when i was a child to the current days where i now rule the underverse, the only places on earth where humans can survive.

I was 12 years aged in 2960 when the dark lord known as The Black Minstrel called forth the first shadow being from a deep dark pit that had recently been opened in the midst of a lightning storm shaking the country from north to south, east to west....

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Here are corrections and edits to the first two paragraphs.


A tall figure dressed in a long[,] black cloak walked out of the forest and into [the] [meadow.] [The meadow was] surounded by norcops trees. [A] gigantic [hot?]air balloon sat[floated?] ten feet off the ground. [There were long ropes trailling down the sides [of the balloon] tied to [huge wooden stakes in the ground.]

The cloaked figure yelled something in an [anciant-spelling] language[.] [T]here was a moment [of] silence [followed by] a loud pop that exploded into the still night air[.] [An] oddly glowing rope ladder flew out over the edge of [a] basket [suspended from the balloon] an[d] stopped to rest not half an inch above the ground.

Try something like that. You are over-wording, redundant and inconcise. Your images are confused and run together. You mix tense (past, present) and number (them, it). Your word choice needs work (how can a balloon float and sit at the same time?). Your sentences are overly long and confused, including some run-ons.

Think about, not what you are writing, but what the reader is reading. Paraphrasing S.I. Hiwakawa, everytime you write or say something you really write or say FOUR things:

1. What you think you said.
2. What you meant to say
3. What the reader/listener heard you say
4. What the reader/listener thinks you said.

The only way around this tangled mess is clear, clean and concise sentences.

Hope this helps.

 

[Techfreak_Inc]

Here are corrections and edits to the first two paragraphs.


A tall figure dressed in a long[,] black cloak walked out of the forest and into [the] [meadow.] [The meadow was] surounded by norcops trees. [A] gigantic [hot?]air balloon sat[floated?] ten feet off the ground. [There were long ropes trailling down the sides [of the balloon] tied to [huge wooden stakes in the ground.]

The cloaked figure yelled something in an [anciant-spelling] language[.] [T]here was a moment [of] silence [followed by] a loud pop that exploded into the still night air[.] [An] oddly glowing rope ladder flew out over the edge of [a] basket [suspended from the balloon] an[d] stopped to rest not half an inch above the ground.

Try something like that. You are over-wording, redundant and inconcise. Your images are confused and run together. You mix tense (past, present) and number (them, it). Your word choice needs work (how can a balloon float and sit at the same time?). Your sentences are overly long and confused, including some run-ons.

Think about, not what you are writing, but what the reader is reading. Paraphrasing S.I. Hiwakawa, everytime you write or say something you really write or say FOUR things:

1. What you think you said.
2. What you meant to say
3. What the reader/listener heard you say
4. What the reader/listener thinks you said.

The only way around this tangled mess is clear, clean and concise sentences.

Hope this helps.

it does, greatly. thank you very much.

 

[3113]

Think about, not what you are writing, but what the reader is reading. Paraphrasing S.I. Hiwakawa, everytime you write or say something you really write or say FOUR things:

1. What you think you said.
2. What you meant to say
3. What the reader/listener heard you say
4. What the reader/listener thinks you said.

Oh, my GAWD! S.I. Hiwakawa! Massive flashback to first College English class.

Whoa. That was heavy. Don't say that name again. Please.

 

[3113]

The cloaked figure yelled something in an anciant language, there was a moments silence... "BANG" a loud pop exploded into the still night air and a oddly glowing rope ladder flew out over the edge of its basket an stopped to rest not half an inch above the ground.

Did the balloon pop or not? 'Cause I gotta tell you, I'm not feeling any awe or wonder or "wow" factor here in what happens. Something goes pop and a ladder rolls down from a hot-air balloon.

You know, ladders can roll down from hot air balloons without explosions. Now, if you're saying that there's no one in the balloon and the elf is magically summoning the ladder...sorry. Still no awe or wonder.

If he summons the ladder down out of thin air, then I might be impressed. But why are you introducing this character this way? Why do you find this so cool, so iconic for them? It certainly doesn't indicate that they're any great ruler of the world, or anything all that special.

And if the balloon is all that important--why not start off by describing IT rather than the forest and meadow and elm tree?

 

[TE999]

hmm...interesting, ill think about it. thanks for the pointers, heres the updated version:it still has many of the problems as stated above but i did edit it a great deal:


THE DESTRUCTION OF THE STATES


A tall figure dressed in a long black cloak walked out of the forest and into a meddow surounded by norcops trees,where a gigantic air balloon sat waiting.
The balloon was floating ten feet off the ground with long ropes trailling down the sides, tied to the ground and held in place buy huge wooden stakes
The cloaked figure yelled something in an anciant language, there was a moments silence... "BANG" a loud pop exploded into the still night air and a oddly glowing rope ladder flew out over the edge of its basket an stopped to rest not half an inch above the ground.
The figure turned around exposing the pale skinned elongated handsome face of an elf.

My name is Lucious Demonican, I was born in the year of our lord 2948. I am the head of the Society of Corpse Animatronix (SCA) and own Techfreak Animatronx Inc. a company that destroys captured shadows and locks away dark necros where they cannot escape to create more havock upon our already crumbling planeta. I have studdied many rare crumbling pages saved from the days when humans in their great discovery of weapons of mass distruction, believed themselfs to control the fate of all living things and set out to cut each opposing country from the face of the planet that at that time was known as earth. This is a solid account starting from the time when i was a child to the current days where i now rule the underverse, the only places on earth where humans can survive.

I was 12 years aged in 2960 when the dark lord known as The Black Minstrel called forth the first shadow being from a deep dark pit that had recently been opened in the midst of a lightning storm shaking the country from north to south, east to west....

Umph.

I feel our collective leg being pulled.

If I'm wrong, I apologise.

But I don't think I am.

Peace.

 

[Dr_Strabismus]

"I was 12 years aged in 2960" - I like this

 

[kendo1]

"I was 12 years aged in 2960" - I like this

Still easily pleased,Doc?

 

[Dr_Strabismus]

The booze helps.

 

[kendo1]

The booze helps.

I'll drink to that.

Is this guy serious? He may need an editor.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

I'll drink to that.

Is this guy serious? He may need an editor.

MAY?

 

[kendo1]

MAY?

Well, maybe sooner than May.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Oh, my GAWD! S.I. Hiwakawa! Massive flashback to first College English class.

Whoa. That was heavy. Don't say that name again. Please.

Far out, man!

I remember listening to the radio- and hearing for the first time; "The Strawberry Statement"

It's a phrase that should come back into use right now.