Can (or should) a guy approach a woman?

[sajanajk]

22M here, trying to get clarity.

I already asked this on Reddit subs, but the posts were deleted by mods. Also, I dug around a little bit, and it seems no matter how many time women (not men) keep encouraging men to approach them (in a right and respectful manner) women are creeped out by men on a daily basis (most of the times, rightfully so). But sometimes, even our existence seems to bother women.

On the flip side, men are advised to keep interactions with women completely platonic and on-point. Some parts of the world, it’s downright illegal to approach a woman on the streets. A site-super of a construction crew at a uni told me that they were told by the uni-admin to not even make eye contact with women on campus.

Don’t get me wrong. I love to have a good time with a woman, romantic or platonic. But I don’t want to offend or scare anyone, and I certainly don’t want to get into trouble for that.

All of this is pretty confusing to me. Judge me however you want, but I’d like some clarity on this. Should I keep my hopes up about meeting a lovely lady on the streets and hitting off with her, or is that only for Lit stories? I’d like everyone’s opinions on this.

tl-dr: it feels weird asking this 40-year-old-virgin question on a thread where folks ask about sex positions, and other grown up stuff, but this is the last place I can think of getting an answer. I have nowhere else to find out about this.

Thanks in advance. For reading and/or answering.

To your health.

 

[SisterJezabel]

22M here, trying to get clarity.

I already asked this on Reddit subs, but the posts were deleted by mods. Also, I dug around a little bit, and it seems no matter how many time women (not men) keep encouraging men to approach them (in a right and respectful manner) women are creeped out by men on a daily basis (most of the times, rightfully so). But sometimes, even our existence seems to bother women.

On the flip side, men are advised to keep interactions with women completely platonic and on-point. Some parts of the world, it’s downright illegal to approach a woman on the streets. A site-super of a construction crew at a uni told me that they were told by the uni-admin to not even make eye contact with women on campus.

Don’t get me wrong. I love to have a good time with a woman, romantic or platonic. But I don’t want to offend or scare anyone, and I certainly don’t want to get into trouble for that.

All of this is pretty confusing to me. Judge me however you want, but I’d like some clarity on this. Should I keep my hopes up about meeting a lovely lady on the streets and hitting off with her, or is that only for Lit stories? I’d like everyone’s opinions on this.

tl-dr: it feels weird asking this 40-year-old-virgin question on a thread where folks ask about sex positions, and other grown up stuff, but this is the last place I can think of getting an answer. I have nowhere else to find out about this.

Thanks in advance. For reading and/or answering.

To your health.

If you act with respect and not like a douche then it's fine to approach a woman. The key is respect. RESPECT.

tl;dr RESPECT other human beings and act as if you would want someone to act to you.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Depends on who, when, where, and how.

Some guys take rejection really badly. Cases like that aren't the norm, but they're far from unheard of, and a woman can't always afford to assume the best about the guy who's talking to her.

So put yourself in the shoes of a woman who doesn't know you and think about how to make that interaction feel respectful and safe.

Bad: making advances in a situation where she can't easily leave, either for physical reasons (you're in between her and the exit) or social reasons (she's working and you're a customer). Especially if she's alone.

Better: situations where there are other people nearby and she has space to walk away.

Best: situations where she doesn't even have to say no or walk away. Something like "Hi, I'd like to hang out with you, here's my number - call me if you're interested. Bye now!" means she doesn't have to go out of her way to break off contact if that's what she wants.

That said, making approaches to strangers on the street is not something that usually has a high success rate outside fiction and probably-staged PUA videos. I'm not saying it never succeeds, but I don't know anybody who's managed it. Usually better odds from getting to know people a bit first.

 

[ToPleaseHim]

I agree 100% with everything Bramblethorn wrote.

Too often, women are in very uncomfortable positions in which they feel they have to be polite regardless of the situation or how they feel because many men have shown that they don’t take rejection well. That could mean they said a “fuck you, cunt” and went on their way, it could mean threats of violence or violence. You can’t possibly know what’s going on in her mind. Approaching a stranger in the street will very rarely work. But, I think you’re asking how can you get to know a woman so you can approach her if you can seemingly never approach her, yeah?

I would encourage you (post-pandemic and social distancing requirements probably) to join groups that interest you. I’ve volunteered for the same organization for the past 9 years and I’ve met a lot of people (including my current bf of 3 years) there. It was easy to start chatting with him as we had this passion in common. There are a lot of groups for so many things (D&D, church groups, free thought groups, even going to a dog park). It’s much easier to strike up a conversation with someone when you have a common place to start.

I have twice responded favorably to an unexpected approach from a stranger, once at Starbucks and once here in a PM. Both times, the guy still brought up something personalized to me so it didn’t feel super random. At Starbucks, he referred to my coffee order (Hey, I couldn’t help but overhear your order and I duplicated it for myself! I thought I had tried everything keto here, but that was a new one.” I responded favorably and he said something like “I am standing here hoping to run into you here again and rather than hope for that, umm, here’s my number.” I called him. We went out a couple times and are still friends today. The Lit guy referred to a few of my posts and complemented my writing and general tone and that kicked off a chat. We were together for about two years.

If you feel compelled to approach a stranger with no background info available, I would highly suggest following the advice given by Bramblethorn and I would caution you to keep your hopes fairly low for a response. It could happen, but it’s unlikely.

Also, never NEVER EVER catcall.

 

[ToPleaseHim]

If you want to dive into an old thread regarding catcalling vs complimenting, here’s a link: http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=1067066. I haven’t dug back in, but I remember this one getting heated.

 

[KristaK]

I’d second the advice to join groups that interest you, and provide a setting in which conversations with new people happen naturally.

As far as approaching women on the street or randomly out in public... only do that if a woman is sending you clear signals that she wants you to. Making and holding eye contact and smiling. If a woman is looking away, looking out the window, looking at a book, looking at her phone, wearing headphones, or otherwise not inviting you to walk up and begin a conversation, then don’t. Just. Don’t.

Look at her and smile. If she’s interested, she will either meet your gaze directly, or keep looking back at you as she gets more comfortable with the idea. If, and only if, she tries to catch your eye and gives you the clear signal that she’d welcome your approach, then approach her.

Also, if you misread her, and she’s not interested, then just say ‘have a great day’ and leave her alone. Don’t push it.

 

[JJA122]

I was actually approached on the street once by a young woman when I was 18 (I hadn't even noticed her). It was really inconvenient as I had to be somewhere and roadworks were going on. So anyway, the conversation was really bad and I had no idea what she wanted, and then at one point she told me to speak up over the roadworks, but it came off as rude. So I said I had to go.

So, interpret that as you will.

I totally get the points you laid down. But there is no yes or no answer, its too complicated.

 

[PapaDan]

I can only speak for myself, and no doubt, many will be offended by my opinion, BUT:

First of all, I never approach anyone in a disrespectful or aggressive manner; with that said however, if I do speak to someone first, (male or female), and they have the gall to act offended, they can kiss where the sun don't shine! I have neither the time nor patience to deal with anyone who is arrogant enough to be offended by a simple hello.

My advice to the OP: Don't be put off by women, (or men), who act offended by you speaking to them first. How else are you ever going to find friends unless you talk to people? If, (or when), you encounter a woman who acts offended by saying hello to her, simply smile and walk away; the douche bag isn't worth your time. Think about it: If she did warm up to you, what kind of relationship would that be? She would have you walking on glass for the rest of your life. That's assuming you don't look or act like Quasimodo. If that's the case, maybe you should take a look at making some changes in yourself.

And to those who would be offended by a simple hello: Why would anyone want to know someone, (much less have a relationship with them), who is looking for someone to offend them? In our society today, we seem to have a large number of people who have nothing better to do that be offended. My advice to those, maybe you should go home, sit in front of the TV alone, and play with your cats.

If a man takes the time to say hello to a woman, and she acts offended, that's insulting! I have great respect for women, but little patience for douche bags. There are a lot of very nice women in this world who enjoy meeting and talking to people, but there is also a lot of women who think they are better than everyone else.

To the OP: Don't be put off by people who aren't worth your time. If you're looking for a girlfriend, you only have to find one, and like everyone else, you will probably have to sort through a lot of toads to find her. Just because a woman wears panties and bra, that doesn't make her better than you.

(And let the trolls begin)

 

[Bramblethorn]

And to those who would be offended by a simple hello: Why would anyone want to know someone, (much less have a relationship with them), who is looking for someone to offend them? In our society today, we seem to have a large number of people who have nothing better to do that be offended. My advice to those, maybe you should go home, sit in front of the TV alone, and play with your cats.

If a man takes the time to say hello to a woman, and she acts offended, that's insulting!

I've had more than one conversation that went like this:

RANDOM DUDE: Saw you around here, thought I'd say hi!

ME: Hi back!

RANDOM DUDE: getting so hard thinking about you stroking my big dick right now...

Paraphrased but not exaggerated. There really are guys who take any friendly acknowledgement as an invitation to jump straight into sexyfuntimes. Ew, no.

So don't be surprised when a woman looks askance at your "simple hello". It doesn't mean she's a rude bitch, it means she's learned the hard way that sometimes even a polite response is taken as permission to get sleazy.

 

[ToPleaseHim]

I was actually approached on the street once by a young woman when I was 18 (I hadn't even noticed her). It was really inconvenient as I had to be somewhere and roadworks were going on. So anyway, the conversation was really bad and I had no idea what she wanted, and then at one point she told me to speak up over the roadworks, but it came off as rude. So I said I had to go.

So, interpret that as you will.

I totally get the points you laid down. But there is no yes or no answer, its too complicated.

Yikes. While I think we more often think of this being a male to female issue, it clearly can and does happen the other way as you experienced. Everyone deserves to have their space and person respected. And yes, this is all complicated, but the common advice is only approach respectfully and don’t overreact (and move on right away) if the other person isn’t interested.

 

[itismeinnz]

Regarding OP's question "Should I keep my hopes up about meeting a lovely lady on the streets and hitting off with her, or is that only for Lit stories?"

I'm not sure if it's always only for Lit stories in general, but speaking for myself I'm not sure I can ever recall making a connection in such a simplistic way as meeting someone on the street and hitting it off. There's always seemed to be some initial connection at least, either in casual conversation or possibly quite subtle non-verbal cues such as a certain smile or eye-contact...something that says I've engaged the other's attention in some way. I personally wouldn't feel any desire to engage with a stranger with absolutely no cues whatsoever.

And those cues I'm talking about wouldn't necessarily mean they're thinking "I want to bonk him" or vice-versa. But simply that there's not a barrier, and I can initiate conversation if I choose and see where it goes. I think it's almost a biological fact that if people are at some level attracted (or at least not finding the other threatening) certain body language says so, whether we realise it or not.

 

[chame1eon]

22M here, trying to get clarity.

I already asked this on Reddit subs, but the posts were deleted by mods. Also, I dug around a little bit, and it seems no matter how many time women (not men) keep encouraging men to approach them (in a right and respectful manner) women are creeped out by men on a daily basis (most of the times, rightfully so). But sometimes, even our existence seems to bother women.

On the flip side, men are advised to keep interactions with women completely platonic and on-point. Some parts of the world, it’s downright illegal to approach a woman on the streets. A site-super of a construction crew at a uni told me that they were told by the uni-admin to not even make eye contact with women on campus.

Don’t get me wrong. I love to have a good time with a woman, romantic or platonic. But I don’t want to offend or scare anyone, and I certainly don’t want to get into trouble for that.

All of this is pretty confusing to me. Judge me however you want, but I’d like some clarity on this. Should I keep my hopes up about meeting a lovely lady on the streets and hitting off with her, or is that only for Lit stories? I’d like everyone’s opinions on this.

tl-dr: it feels weird asking this 40-year-old-virgin question on a thread where folks ask about sex positions, and other grown up stuff, but this is the last place I can think of getting an answer. I have nowhere else to find out about this.

Thanks in advance. For reading and/or answering.

To your health.

I'm just not sure how we got to a point where men are afraid to approach women.

 

[itismeinnz]

I'm just not sure how we got to a point where men are afraid to approach women.

That's what I was thinking too, and I can't quite fully grasp the context of the original question. We approach women all the time in the course of day-to-day life, but in this case I think there is some cultural context for one thing, and part of the post also seems to be about how to strike up contact with strangers. I'm struggling to figure the context of such a meeting...stuff like that never seems to me to be that random.

 

[chame1eon]

That's what I was thinking too, and I can't quite fully grasp the context of the original question. We approach women all the time in the course of day-to-day life, but in this case I think there is some cultural context for one thing, and part of the post also seems to be about how to strike up contact with strangers. I'm struggling to figure the context of such a meeting...stuff like that never seems to me to be that random.

I'm 39 so maybe I'm out of the loop, but I think a lot of women get used to waiting for men to approach them if they have a nonplutonic interest.

I hope women are getting better at not doing this, but it seems odd to turn it around completely and say that men can't approach women now.

 

[NightL]

If you want to dive into an old thread regarding catcalling vs complimenting, here’s a link: http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=1067066. I haven’t dug back in, but I remember this one getting heated.

Oh, that thread was quite a journey. By the end of it long standing Lit alliances were shattered :caning:

sajanajk - I also recommend you read through that entire thread ToPleaseHim shared here. From your initial post and of your stated age, I assure you will be a much wiser person on completion.

An offering I made in that thread

"Street Harassment: Sidewalk Sleazebags and Metro Molesters"
https://youtu.be/QYAL21jxREQ
So don't do that stuff.

A pleasant smile, common sense, courteous and respectful engagement - simple really. You will not "get into trouble" for being polite.

If your politeness, however, comes with an agenda it will easily be recognised and likely receive a response accordingly.

People who are often harassed are likely to have their "jerk radar" on high alert, so don't be another jerk.

Damn, that thread was an epic journey. A bit of How To... history.

 

[NightL]

What country are you seeking this life advice for sajanajk?

Re. "A site-super of a construction crew at a uni told me that they were told by the uni-admin to not even make eye contact with women on campus." This is a common condition stipulated on construction crews. Attendees and staff of a university should be able to move freely throughout a campus without fear of harassment and leering which is often associated from workers on construction crews.

I taught at a tertiary-level campus, the construction workers were told not to engage with the students during lunch breaks for this very reason. While they were able to access lunch canteens for purchases they were to return to the construction area during their breaks.

Constructions sites are also hazardous work locations, workers have a responsibility to focus on their work. Failure to abide by those conditions could also jeopardise future contracts.

 

[justspitballing]

22M here, trying to get clarity.

I already asked this on Reddit subs, but the posts were deleted by mods. Also, I dug around a little bit, and it seems no matter how many time women (not men) keep encouraging men to approach them (in a right and respectful manner) women are creeped out by men on a daily basis (most of the times, rightfully so). But sometimes, even our existence seems to bother women.

On the flip side, men are advised to keep interactions with women completely platonic and on-point. Some parts of the world, it’s downright illegal to approach a woman on the streets. A site-super of a construction crew at a uni told me that they were told by the uni-admin to not even make eye contact with women on campus.

Don’t get me wrong. I love to have a good time with a woman, romantic or platonic. But I don’t want to offend or scare anyone, and I certainly don’t want to get into trouble for that.

All of this is pretty confusing to me. Judge me however you want, but I’d like some clarity on this. Should I keep my hopes up about meeting a lovely lady on the streets and hitting off with her, or is that only for Lit stories? I’d like everyone’s opinions on this.

tl-dr: it feels weird asking this 40-year-old-virgin question on a thread where folks ask about sex positions, and other grown up stuff, but this is the last place I can think of getting an answer. I have nowhere else to find out about this.

Thanks in advance. For reading and/or answering.

To your health.

STOP!!! JUST STOP!!!

You are putting yourself on to much pressure to date. The world is hard enough without you getting mad at yourself for not dating. So STOP!!!

Instead ask yourself, what do I want to do? What do I want to have fun doing?

Is it seeing a good movie? Then take yourself to the theatre. Is it reading a good book? Then join a book club. Is it playing D&D, then get into a game.

By doing something you love, you will get your mind off of dating and actually have FUN! and chances are you will bump into people with the same interests you have and then something may happen naturally, and if not, you still had a fun night out.

You can try to date without pressuring yourself, and also, you don't even need to date! Lots of people are happy to be on their own.

 

[itismeinnz]

STOP!!! JUST STOP!!!

You are putting yourself on to much pressure to date. The world is hard enough without you getting mad at yourself for not dating. So STOP!!!

Instead ask yourself, what do I want to do? What do I want to have fun doing?

Is it seeing a good movie? Then take yourself to the theatre. Is it reading a good book? Then join a book club. Is it playing D&D, then get into a game.

By doing something you love, you will get your mind off of dating and actually have FUN! and chances are you will bump into people with the same interests you have and then something may happen naturally, and if not, you still had a fun night out.

You can try to date without pressuring yourself, and also, you don't even need to date! Lots of people are happy to be on their own.

Totally agree, very wise words.

 

[NightL]

STOP!!! JUST STOP!!!

sajanajk is asking a question politely. You/we don't know of his background than the post he has made. I believe he deserves an honest answer that may help guide him in gaining confidence with polite and respectful communication.

Is it seeing a good movie? Then take yourself to the theatre. Is it reading a good book? Then join a book club. Is it playing D&D, then get into a game

Seriously have you really forgotten what it was like to be 22? "I must think Dungeons & Dragons! I must think Dungeons & Dragons! I must think Dungeons & Dragons! I must think Dungeons & Dragons!" is not going to detract him of wistfully thinking of a romantic relationship or platonic friendship.

If sajanajk has come from a conservative background or now in a new cultural setting it may be a bit overwhelming to negotiate communication for which, by his post indicates he may not have much experience in. So far he is polite enough to ask and be concerned for how his actions may be interpreted.

So to the question "Should I keep my hopes up about meeting a lovely lady on the streets and hitting off with her" if that is meaning saying hello to a stranger that may develop into a friendship and perhaps one day a relationship, well sure it can happen. If a smile is greeted with a smile and a hello with a cheery hello in return then a conversation can develop. Conversations can lead to discovering common interests or new ones. "Would you like to continue the conversation over a cup of coffee" is not an unreasonable thing to ask if the smiles, hellos and initial greetings are amicable and genuine.

Is all this possible? - well yes, as I have been through very similar which ultimately did lead onto friendships and more. I don't recall the initial smile being of any more intent than just a friendly smile.

What I am not reading in sajanajk's post is "how do I become a fuck magnet to a stranger I meet on the street?" as some have tried that question here before. I am also not reading desperation, just a simple question.

Share some smiles and friendly hellos out into the world, you never know what gifts of life may come your way. Share the joy of a lovely day, praise someone for their good service, offer a compliment for their hairstyle, funky jacket, cute shoes if you are indeed genuine in your appreciation. Offer these as gifts to the world without expectation of anything in return. Just remember, if you raise an appreciative and genuine smile in another you have made their life momentarily happier. That will put a spring in your step as you continue on and you may pass by that very same person some other time with a greeted nod and cheery hello.

 

[Acktion]

22M here, trying to get clarity.

I already asked this on Reddit subs, but the posts were deleted by mods. Also, I dug around a little bit, and it seems no matter how many time women (not men) keep encouraging men to approach them (in a right and respectful manner) women are creeped out by men on a daily basis (most of the times, rightfully so). But sometimes, even our existence seems to bother women.

On the flip side, men are advised to keep interactions with women completely platonic and on-point. Some parts of the world, it’s downright illegal to approach a woman on the streets. A site-super of a construction crew at a uni told me that they were told by the uni-admin to not even make eye contact with women on campus.

Don’t get me wrong. I love to have a good time with a woman, romantic or platonic. But I don’t want to offend or scare anyone, and I certainly don’t want to get into trouble for that.

All of this is pretty confusing to me. Judge me however you want, but I’d like some clarity on this. Should I keep my hopes up about meeting a lovely lady on the streets and hitting off with her, or is that only for Lit stories? I’d like everyone’s opinions on this.

tl-dr: it feels weird asking this 40-year-old-virgin question on a thread where folks ask about sex positions, and other grown up stuff, but this is the last place I can think of getting an answer. I have nowhere else to find out about this.

Thanks in advance. For reading and/or answering.

To your health.

https://media.tenor.co/images/970e0c1392a11cc06180ac3b255cc7bf/raw

No, seriously. Why would you want to walk up on some random stranger that you know absolutely nothing about beyond their physical appearance and strike up a conversation?

I will grant that it's been a few decades since I was your age, but I've never understood this one.

I made a friend in college. (Hard as that might be for some to believe.) He dragged me out a couple of times to hit up the dance clubs so he could meet chicks. And I just never understood. So, I'm supposed to spot some random stranger across a crowded bar and on the basis of nothing beyond her physical appearance I'm supposed to fight my way across to join the throng of hopeful hounds baying at her barstool with a watered-down drink that cost three times as much as if I'd hit a liquor store instead in the hopes of being able to shout something over what qualifies as "music" thrumming hard enough to make the walls vibrate? No thanks. None for me.

(The only one time that ever worked for me was the one incident where she got off her throne amidst her throng of admirers and joined me on the dance floor [mostly to get away from the fins circling]. Kate and I dated for about two months before she decided I was too much distraction from med school.)

Nor did I ever see the point in stopping every ten feet as I trekked across campus just because some girl that happened to be pretty happened to be walking past if I didn't know a damn thing else about her. Let some other catfish take the bait.

Oh, I might look my fill. And depending on my mood, might nod. Maybe even smile if she was lucky. Actual verbal greetings? No. Maybe... just maybe... the fifth or sixth time I happened to pass them. (If I even noticed them enough to recognize them.) The first time? Whatever for? They weren't dressing to impress me, but themselves. I was a bit more difficult to impress.

Now, if she stopped me, and I had time, I tried to be congenial. Or, if I didn't have time right then, I would explain that and offer to meet her at another time and place. If she showed, fine. If she didn't, that was fine too.

I was busy. I was taking double a full-time course load, working two paying jobs and one internship. What little free time I had was taken up with my hobbies, practices and tournaments, or hanging out with a crew of six lesbians (three couples) that four of them looked like they had stepped out of a glossy magazine. And absolutely hated when guys would stroll up and strike up a conversation as if they didn't have anything better to do than entertain some random stranger just because they happened to be pretty.

(Hell, it took months before misanthropic Holly accepted me as part of the gang, and that only after we shut down a dance club (and our college football team's bowl hopes) when seven fuckers couldn't accept "no" or even "fuck off.")

Ostensibly, I was living with my mother and little sister while I went to college. And I might have actually seen them for thirty minutes every third day. I had neither the time, energy, nor inclination to waste on some gal that only had superficial appearance ticked off the list.

Well, actually, technically I wasn't quite your age yet at that point, now I think about it.

At your precise age, I had graduated and moved off into the sticks so deep they had to pipe in sunlight. The gals who were actually attractive were either married to their high school sweethearts (usually their older brother's best friend), looking for someone to help raise the whelps from their first marriage, or had gotten the hell out of Dodge the day after graduation so they could be around guys they hadn't grown up with.

I did my thing. Picked up a second job. Picked up my hobbies again with new groups (I'd had to move six hours away). Added a few more hobbies that I'd been interested in, but hadn't had time for.

What I didn't do was sit around at home and wishing some gal would come to the door, bringing a pizza and begging for more than just the tip.

It worked well enough to suit me. In addition to friends, girlfriends, and lovers I never bothered to count, I had four that have gotten serious enough to merit engagements, and my late wife out of the deal. All as competent as they are beautiful, and beautiful in their soul as they are in face and form.

I have absolutely no idea how this... covfefe? corona? coved? What are we calling it this week? Any road, I have no idea how this crap with bunkering in place and everything being shut down is going to affect things. But, it doesn't really matter. Back in those days, the infernal nets were just a pipe dream of the basement boffins.

These days you can join any number of chats on any number of subjects that might interest you. With people. And at the end of the day, that hottie that gave you whiplash is first and foremost a person. (Yes, even the redheads.)

And if you end up getting along, then you've made a friend. Which is one more than you had. If they aren't in on the chats that interest you, it probably wasn't gonna ever be anything anyway.

Intimacy... sex even... Have some pride in yourself. Don't use a scattershot trying to find a decent cut at the meat market to give yourself to. Make 'em work for it. Make 'em prove they are beautiful inside or all they get is a polite smile, maybe a nod, and they can watch you drift right over their horizon in favor of someone that has more going for them than a pretty smile and nice tits.

In the meantime, figure out who you are in your balls and bone without some random person underfoot. Then pursue who and what you love about yourself. The ones you meet as you do will be much more worth your attention than some random street walker.

 

[Bramblethorn]

These days you can join any number of chats on any number of subjects that might interest you. With people. And at the end of the day, that hottie that gave you whiplash is first and foremost a person. (Yes, even the redheads.)

And if you end up getting along, then you've made a friend. Which is one more than you had. If they aren't in on the chats that interest you, it probably wasn't gonna ever be anything anyway.

Intimacy... sex even... Have some pride in yourself. Don't use a scattershot trying to find a decent cut at the meat market to give yourself to. Make 'em work for it. Make 'em prove they are beautiful inside or all they get is a polite smile, maybe a nod, and they can watch you drift right over their horizon in favor of someone that has more going for them than a pretty smile and nice tits.

In the meantime, figure out who you are in your balls and bone without some random person underfoot. Then pursue who and what you love about yourself. The ones you meet as you do will be much more worth your attention than some random street walker.

I wish I'd had this advice when I was an insecure teen. I spent years crushing hopelessly on people and making myself miserable, convinced I was doomed to eternal singlehood, and then almost as soon as I reduced my focus on Finding The One and worked more on being happy in my own skin, suddenly I seemed to be much more attractive.

(It wasn't quite as neat an evolution as that makes it sound, because reality is messy and self-growth is a two-forward-one-back kind of process, but that's the general shape of it.)

Biologists sometimes talk about r-strategists and K-strategists. r-strategists are the species that spam out thousands of offspring and hope that maybe one or two of them will escape getting eaten survive to adulthood. K-strategists are the ones who only have a few children but invest effort in them, so they have a good chance of reaching adulthood. When it comes to dating, I much prefer the K-strategy approach.

 

[NightL]

Maybe even smile if she was lucky.

Yeah, I get the casual smiley approach thing and being happy with the world is obviously something you don't connect with. To be honest I reckon from what you wrote they were lucky if you didn't smile.

worth your attention than some random street walker.

see there you go placing connotations with your word usage and to be honest that is degrading to people who are happy with the world and like to smile and say hello to others. Perhaps you said that in jest?

I have life long friends from encounters of chance who are very dear to me. I have had long term love relationships. Some past lovers who remain dear friends. There have been conversations that were fleeting and others where the spark of interest failed to ignite over several encounters. The greetings I extended were not of expectation for sexual conquest yet some that came my way were.

In life you can meet some lovely happy people while some appear to be reclusive and grumpy, yet expect to somehow be a desirable challenge? See that is something I don't understand.


sajanajk if you are looking in don't hesitate to join in on the conversation. Perhaps offer a little more insight of your circumstances or ask more questions. The chance encounter maybe not your thing for either casual or more meaningful connections but I agree the getting to know yourself first and liking who you are will demonstrate to others your worth and what you may offer.

If you do attempt greetings of strangers, be respectful and treat them as opportunities of beginnings and not just a means to an end. Meaningful relationships take time to grow for however you meet. Even if casual sex is your goal, it is considerably more enjoyable if you like each other beyond just physical attraction and you are both clear and understand equally that is the intention. Aim to establish friendships first - the rest will follow or not.

Sleaze on a stranger for sex will have way less success than making friends by being a happy, thoughtful and respectful person.

 

[Paul_Chance]

You got some good advice from the ladies here, so read that carefully and take it to heart.

I can tell you how I do it. If the contact is naturally flowing from street life, I simply say hello and offer some nearly neutral observation in a friendly and open way, maybe ask a question in context of the encounter.

Women usually have one of three responses - they ignore me, they acknowledge the contact politely, or they acknowledge in some manner that tells me they're open to a more expanded contact. No matter which response they choose, I honor it respectfully.

Some rules of the road I follow:

1. Context really matters. What you're doing, what they're doing, where you're at, etc..

2. Never open with anything sexual. Women have seen that act a thousand times.

3. Always be respectful of body language and distance, never crowd them, never corner them. (Women will tell you all kinds of crazy stories about men violating their personal space or impeding their movement - don't do it. It will automatically put them on the defense.)

4. If they elect to not engage you, by either silence or a curt polite acknowledgement but not engagement, respect that and just keep walking. I can't emphasis this enough - do not trap them, don't approach them while they are trapped.

5. Hone your conversational game - humor and wit will get you to engage far faster than anything else. But then, you have to be able to follow it with more humorous or witty engagement on point.

6. So, over the many years I've come to estimate that the percentage of people in the general population who are will to engage strangers is about 1 in 8.

Now, that said, I've been "talking to strangers" since I was a kid (I am blessed with a Type A socially engaging personality). So, I've got 40+ years experience doing it as a sexually active adult and functional human being. My contact to engagement rate runs very high. LOL - if it was a statistical curve I can pretty much hit the third standard deviation every time because I've learned the hundreds of social and physical queues that say "open to talk to strangers". That will only develop over time and practice. Expect a crap ton of "misses" on your way there.

For the amusement of the posters I can share with you how the last three "meet to sheet" incidents went.

1. I was standing at the gas station, filling my car, when the lady at the next pump came walking out the store. I laughed at myself and said "Oh my god, this is totally random but for a moment there I thought you looked exactly like Natalie Portman." She laughed and said "I thought you looked like some random guy at a gas pump.", to which I replied "Well, your perception is definitely better than mine, but I am going to stand by, you do look like Natalie Portman." We chatted for a bit more about visual perception and actresses, then I gave her my number and suggested a coffee date, which was followed by a movie date, and from there it proceeded.

2. I was at a train stop and looked over at the woman next to me and saw she was wearing a black Slayer t-shirt. I made the devil horns and said "Slayer" and bobbed my head up and down like I was a concert. She asked what my favorite album was, I told her, then we boarded the commuter train, sat a socially distanced six feet apart and talked rock bands. She gave me her number when she reached her stop, I called her and from the mutual interest in music we connected.

3. I was sitting in the park reading Isabelle Allende and a woman walked by with a German Shepard puppy. I commented on the dog, she commented on my book, and we spend the next hour sitting in the park talking dogs and literature, and dogs in literature, and at the end of it, she invited me to her home. (That was definitely her picking me up, but the same principles - contact, engagement were at play).

 

[HayleyLuvsSex]

I think it's perfectly fine to approach women. I will say that unless you're doing it at a bar/club or any other place where it's normal to approach someone for romantic reasons, it probably won't be received well. But as long as you're respectful if turned down, I don't see an issue with trying.

 

[sajanajk]

From sajanajk (op);

Wow!! I never thought my post would get this much responses. THANK YOU for everyone who chimed in. Y’all gave me a lot to chew on.

For those wondering, I’m originally from a South Asian country, but I’m gonna be traveling around, mainly for business. I had a pretty strong conservative upbringing, hence the question. I have no problem being professional w/ women, but when the neckties and blazers come off, I’m clueless. Basically a bambling baffoon.

Again, thank you for all your advice. Sorry for being late with my response. I forgot I’d posted here for a while.

To your health.

Edit: Oh, and I almost forgot.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! and A HAPPY AND HEALTHY NEW YEAR!!!