Can I teach dominance?

[Leisha162]

I have read through a few threads that have touched on this but I need carification.

Ive been in a relationship for 10 years, since i will 16. I am submissive (i even just love that word) and I love big, strong, confident men, my boyfriend fits this perfectly. One thing he does lack, however, is dominance. I no of course not everyone fits into the two catagories but i've always seen a dominant side to him. We started to play around with a little light bondage and whipping etc. but a while ago i wanted to take it further, i didn't know what bdsm was at the time. We tried a little more but after that he just stopped trying, he said he feels a bit stupid, putting on a persona etc., but thats the part love the most, like being someone completely different. Do you think i've just put to much pressure on him to satisfy me this way?

I guess what i'm really asking is how i can get him to come round to the idea, if there's any hope at all. Im not sure how much longer i can last without practicing bdsm. How can i have bdsm in my life without a willing dominant? I have been considering finding another sub girl to play with, as i think id be good at topping girls. This way i can maybe show him how its done, is this a bad idea? Its hard to know what to do as i'm the only one i know whose into all this.

Thanks to everyone who has an opinion and/or advice, whatever it may be.

Lxx

 

[catalina_francisco]

Some think it can be taught. Personally, I think until the person feels it within themselves, any actions they carry out before that are just going to be going through the motions, and as your partner expressed, usually leave them feeling silly and you frustrated. Perhaps getting him to read some stories which contain elements you would like to experience may spark a desire in him, though be prepared for the opposite reaction also. I can imagine how you feel. I once dated someone who was very open to experimenting and trying new things, and in many ways he showed dominant tendencies, but when it came down to actually being dominant beyond some light bondage he just felt it was not for him and even felt bad for contemplating doing it, so it does not always work just because we want it to....but it may.

As to bringing in someone else, that may work but may also backfire on you. He could decide he wanted to involve other people on a regular basis and you might not feel comfortable with that. He might begin to see you as dominant and either like or hate it. The other person may feel used, or may want one or the other for themselves which could develop into issues in your relationship. It is not easy when you know what you want but don't know how or where to find it.

Catalina

 

[seela]

Hi Leisha and welcome to Lit!

It's good that you two have been able to talk about these things together and even try some things! Communication really is the key here.

That said, I don't think dominance can be learned. Topping can be learned, confidence can be learned, but I think dominance is something that you either have or don't have.

What is it about bdsm that you want in your life? If it's the physical side, bottoming, and actually being forced and controlled, then it can be difficult to get your needs satisfied, if he's not into it and you two aren't open for you to get your "bdsm fix" with someone else. If it's more service oriented stuff that you crave, you can simply start paying more attention on his needs without him asking. Or if it's sexual submission you crave, try to his wishes sexually, fulfill his fantasies. Submission is mostly about the head space (at least for me); putting someone else's needs and preferences before mine, rather than being forced to do something.

I don't know about your idea of topping a girl just to show him how it's done. I don't know if it's fair for the other girl, if the only reason you're topping her for is to show your guy what he should be doing to you. Also, you wrote that he felt like he's putting on a persona when he's topping you and that's the part he doesn't like. So I'm not sure, how seeing you top someone would change how he feels about himself doing it. Adding a new person in the mix can also lead to jealousy and all kinds of unexpected emotions to bubble into the surface.

The question of "how to get my vanilla parner more interested in [insert a kink here]" is a common one. Often, especially on kink related boards, in these discussions you run into the notion, that people are absolutely entitled to their kinks in a relationship and the vanilla partner should accommodate them. It's always made me wonder about the needs of the vanilla partner, because, to me, they seem to be forgotten pretty often in these discussions. Your partner's lack of interest in dominance is just as valid as your interest in it. Vanilla is a preference as well, not just a state of lack of kink, adventure or imagination.

There might be aspects of bdsm you both are interested in that you just haven't found yet, something that doesn't make him feel like he's acting or putting on a persona. And he might feel more comfortable and be interested in dominating you later on, so I think it's really important that the two of you keep your lines of communication open and functional.

 

[Kitty_Schrödinger]

Don't think you can "teach" dominance, but I know you can enable it. Allow someone find that part of themself, should they have it within.

 

[DVS]

Sure you can teach it. Most anything can be taught, and people can learn. How well that process goes depends on the teacher and the pupil. But your question brings up a question that most everybody in this lifestyle knows the answer to. You can teach someone to act a part, but you can't teach them to feel it...to live and breath it. You can teach someone to go through the motions such as insert tab "A" into slot "B" and all that, but only someone who has the desire will be able to take what you teach them and use it to it's potential.

A newbie sub might not be able to tell a dom is just going through the motions, but a seasoned sub will. An actor playing a part is just what someone will be doing, if they don't know any more than what you teach them. But, someone who has the desire to be a dom will be able to take what you teach them and insert their own style. You just give them that little push in the right direction.

 

[rosco rathbone]

I don't know about "teach" it, but you can definitely encourage traits that already exist but are suppressed.

 

[Luna_Wolf72]

Everyone else has touched on it, in some way or another, but here is my take.

I considered myself subbie, many many moons ago. I wasn't (so said my first, last and only Miss) I was a pain slut with an inordinate amount of control. I didn't get off on submitting, I got off on being hurt. Case closed. So she took it upon herself to release me from her care (3 plus years) and began giving me the low down on being a Dominant personality.

She didn't TEACH me anything~not really. She enabled me to see what tickled me, brought me happiness and contentment. (and she taught me proper techniques for binding, etc., etc.) So I do not think you can teach it...I do think it is something that you can bring to the surface and hone...but not really teach.

That is my opinion, YMMV.

 

[CutieMouse]

I have read through a few threads that have touched on this but I need carification.

Ive been in a relationship for 10 years, since i will 16. I am submissive (i even just love that word) and I love big, strong, confident men, my boyfriend fits this perfectly. One thing he does lack, however, is dominance. I no of course not everyone fits into the two catagories but i've always seen a dominant side to him. We started to play around with a little light bondage and whipping etc. but a while ago i wanted to take it further, i didn't know what bdsm was at the time. We tried a little more but after that he just stopped trying, he said he feels a bit stupid, putting on a persona etc., but that's the part love the most, like being someone completely different. Do you think i've just put to much pressure on him to satisfy me this way?

Wait a sec - he has the characteristics that most of the population generally associates with "dominant" traits (a big, strong, confidant man), and you've "always seen a dominant side to him", but you don't believe he fits the definition of dominance?

How exactly do you define dominance? Because in my book, a guy going - yeah... ya know what? This stuff you're expecting/asking of me? It isn't me, and I won't pretend to be someone/something I'm not - to *me* that is a mature expression of dominance.

It sounds like you might be into the theatrics and psycho-drama of things - pirates and helpless damsels, or "scenes" where people get dressed up and play their parts with ropes and floggers and dildos - oh my! If that's your thing - awesome! But that doesn't mean it has to be HIS thing, too.

How would you feel about instead of teaching him to be dominant in the way you like [changing him], you worked on being the sort of lover/submissive he wanted?

I guess what i'm really asking is how i can get him to come round to the idea, if there's any hope at all. Im not sure how much longer i can last without practicing bdsm. How can i have bdsm in my life without a willing dominant? I have been considering finding another sub girl to play with, as i think id be good at topping girls. This way i can maybe show him how its done, is this a bad idea? Its hard to know what to do as i'm the only one i know whose into all this.

Thanks to everyone who has an opinion and/or advice, whatever it may be.

Lxx

Define "practicing BDSM".

 

[Leisha162]

Thank you all for your views.

I think Catalina might be right in saying that its the confidence he lacks, i have a much more of an idea of what i want than he does, he doesn't come forward with any wants himself though, which makes things more difficult. But I think it would be a good idea to introduce some of may fav books to him, i got most my ideas from there so maybe he will too.

Although it is the physical side I crave most, i love the idea of just paying him more attention without asking for anything in return, i do this now but i think i will step it up a little, show him how good i can be without the pressure. Then maybe we will find something we can both enjoy.

CutieMouse is right, i suppose, in saying that by not doing as i want he is expressing dominance, needless to say in real life im quite good at expressing my dominance too. And id never thought of it before but, yea, i guess am into the "scenes" etc, and i should definatly hold back on those. But as it's always just been a fantasy to me its been harder to think of a real life situation.

I need to rethink what i want, lower my expectations a little and concentrate on his needs, not try to mold him into what i want. And hopefully once the pressure ive exerted has lifted we might find some different angle, my way isn't the only way, i see that.
I will def. keep on visiting this forum tho, i never would have got the opinion of experienced people otherwise,

so thank you all.

Lxx

 

[Stella_Omega]

Someone said this recently, and I've parroted it so often people are going to think I thought of it:

Ask him permission for the things you want him to take control of.

Master may I sit at your feet?
Master, may I suck your cock?
Master, shall I be whipped for dropping the dish on the floor?

Start slow and see how it goes.

It sounds like you might be into the theatrics and psycho-drama of things - pirates and helpless damsels, or "scenes" where people get dressed up and play their parts with ropes and floggers and dildos - oh my!

Oh I remember those days. It really broke my heart when I realised it wasn't gonna happen. I'm serious. Please don't denigrate that desire in people.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Thank you all for your views.

I think Catalina might be right in saying that its the confidence he lacks, i have a much more of an idea of what i want than he does, he doesn't come forward with any wants himself though, which makes things more difficult. But I think it would be a good idea to introduce some of may fav books to him, i got most my ideas from there so maybe he will too.

Although it is the physical side I crave most, i love the idea of just paying him more attention without asking for anything in return, i do this now but i think i will step it up a little, show him how good i can be without the pressure. Then maybe we will find something we can both enjoy.

CutieMouse is right, i suppose, in saying that by not doing as i want he is expressing dominance, needless to say in real life im quite good at expressing my dominance too. And id never thought of it before but, yea, i guess am into the "scenes" etc, and i should definatly hold back on those. But as it's always just been a fantasy to me its been harder to think of a real life situation.

I need to rethink what i want, lower my expectations a little and concentrate on his needs, not try to mold him into what i want. And hopefully once the pressure ive exerted has lifted we might find some different angle, my way isn't the only way, i see that.
I will def. keep on visiting this forum tho, i never would have got the opinion of experienced people otherwise,

so thank you all.

Lxx

I'm not one for advocating lowering your expectations in general, especially where relationships are involved, because that is when you wake up one day and wonder how the hell you ended up with someone who really has little in common with you, though they might be a nice person....and like the millions of others, head for the divorce courts ASAP. What you need to do is find someone who shares your expectations and desires, or at least meets in a middle ground which you can both live with. For me, someone refusing to do something another wants does not a Dominant make...it might make them someone a person strong enough to not be pushed into something they don't want, but that is healthy with good self esteem, not necessarily dominant.

I also am not someone who can be satisfied by pretending I am being dominated by asking permission to do things, finding what pleases my partner and doing it, and generally being a people pleaser around the one I love. Some partners would actually become very annoyed by continuous requests to do things, or having their desires pre-empted, Dominants included....I know F would find annoying, and in some instances would even suggest it was topping from the bottom...so be careful if you decide to try this incase the one you are interested in has a similar reaction. Dominating in the verbal context requires action, not inaction.

Role play works for some...it is not necessarily silly. It doesn't work for me, but everyone is different. Your fantasy might be possible to be a reality, it just might take time. LOL, we have a flogger hanging over the bedhead 95% of the time, so yes, such things do feature in some relationships as the norm, not an unreasonable and childish fantasy. Canes stand in the corner, and we have a whole cabinet in our bedroom filled with whips, crops, needles, scalpels, paddles, gags, restraints, chains, zappers, etc., and a box under the bed full of a variety of ropes. Don't give up your dreams.

I hope it works out with your partner, and as you say, sharing your favourite books etc., might spark something. Some people just need something like that to encourage what lies buried within. With our society and its expectations, some have buried their desires deep in an effort to fit in with those expectations, more so than their needs.

Catalina

 

[eastern sun]

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[CutieMouse]

Oh I remember those days. It really broke my heart when I realised it wasn't gonna happen. I'm serious. Please don't denigrate that desire in people.

That wasn't me denegrating people who want and need the theatrics and psycho-drama of BDSM to be happy and fulfilled. I know the world is full of people who NEED that to feel complete in their sexuality.

However- one person needing that, and the other person *not* needing it, doesn't mean the non-theatrical BDSM person is wring, or different (in a bad way), or less kinky, dominant, or submissive. It means there are two concepts at play, and *both* parties need to either compromise or decide if those needs should get met elsewhere.

 

[BiBunny]

I'm gonna pull a Stella here, folks.

Someone who is dominant has a set of personality traits that people associate with dominance. Someone who likes to tie bitches up and beat the fuck out of them and otherwise have kinky sex is a Top. Sometimes, these two things co-exist in the same person. Sometimes, they do not. If you're associating kinky sex with dominance, don't.

Which is it that you want? A man with personality traits that people associate with dominance (which it sounds like you already have, at least to some degree) or kinky sex? I'm not saying that it's impossible to have both. It's not. But conflating Topping and dominance is like conflating apples and elevators.

Topping can be learned, but, in my opinion, dominance cannot.

 

[eastern sun]

. . . . . . . . .

 

[Stella_Omega]

I also am not someone who can be satisfied by pretending I am being dominated by asking permission to do things, finding what pleases my partner and doing it, and generally being a people pleaser around the one I love. Some partners would actually become very annoyed by continuous requests to do things, or having their desires pre-empted, Dominants included....I know F would find annoying, and in some instances would even suggest it was topping from the bottom...so be careful if you decide to try this incase the one you are interested in has a similar reaction. Dominating in the verbal context requires action, not inaction.

This is very good point. And maybe I should have said: "In the beginning, while your partner is getting used to the idea."

Cause -- somebody's gotta start somewhere. And sometimes topping from the bottom is how it starts. It's like teaching someone to lead in dance. You have to dramatise and accentuate the way you follow.

 

[ownedsubgal]

I'm gonna pull a Stella here, folks.

Someone who is dominant has a set of personality traits that people associate with dominance. Someone who likes to tie bitches up and beat the fuck out of them and otherwise have kinky sex is a Top. Sometimes, these two things co-exist in the same person. Sometimes, they do not. If you're associating kinky sex with dominance, don't.

Which is it that you want? A man with personality traits that people associate with dominance (which it sounds like you already have, at least to some degree) or kinky sex? I'm not saying that it's impossible to have both. It's not. But conflating Topping and dominance is like conflating apples and elevators.

Topping can be learned, but, in my opinion, dominance cannot.

well said. reading the OP it sounds like she already has a Dominant, but what she doesn't have is a Top. my Master is not a Top either, and we don't do scenes or kink. that's just not who we are, and clearly that's not who the man in Leisha's life is either. but if someone's needs aren't being met then some serious discussion needs to take place, rather than experimentation, imo.