Can I talk to you guys please.

[Lilly11a]

Bit of a strange one but hoping someone can advise.

I seem to give off domme vibes , for want of a better word, which isn't the power dynamic I prefer but keep getting pulled into this role. I can do it but it doesn't push my buttons.

My ex very much is a sub but to me that basically translated to I'm going to lie here, let you pleasure me and not touch you- I used to be crying in frustration .

Out with my (female) friend, she introduces me to her (male ) friend. Within 10 mins he is asking me if I need to always be in control etc.

I have quite a high end job( where I do have a lot of control over my and others work) and am reasonably confident with my looks etc.

I'd be very happy to let someone else make decisions etc but while I am single , there is no one else but me to make these choices.

Basically my question is , without turning to a helpless girly, how to I attract the more assertive man.

Thanks for reading x

 

[IyaMemora]

I don't have a straight forward answer for you. In my life, I've always controlled everything, because I was taught to not rely on anyone. So when it comes to sex, my favorite thing is to release that control to my partner and let them take over. All this just comes naturally.

I'd suggest finding men that come off as natural alphas. Men that take charge in their lives. They seem aloof and apathetic. Those guys I've found are always more controlling in bed. And to attract them....I guess not be a bitch. Be kind and polite. Somehow, politeness comes across as a willingness to submit lol. Not sure why. Also, science says that to appear more submitting, women should lower their chin. Keeping your head down says something to a man's animalistic nature.

Hope that helps.

 

[DesEsseintes]

Don't try to change yourself into someone who appears more submissive. The people you would attract in that situation would not be worth the candle. If submission is what you really want, the right man will draw it from you like filings to a magnet.

I have said it countless times, but a Dominant of either sex does not, if they are worthy of the title, want a 'submissive person'. They want what you appear to be: a confident, attractive person who wants/needs to submit to them.

 

[SovereignShe]

Very good question! I seem to attract powerful men, yet I am a dominant woman myself.

Just because a male is submissive in nature doesn't mean he isn't powerful. In a room of crowded people, I tend to control the room. I have a very dominant nature and it never occurred to me. Over 10 years ago I thought I was submissive. It didn't go well. You can't necessarily fight against your true nature and personality forever. If you could, would we even really want to continue to do so?

If you're dominant in nature, have you ever tried to take on a domme role? You might just surprise yourself. Once I slipped into a dominant role, I instantly felt more at home.

 

[SovereignShe]

Don't try to change yourself into someone who appears more submissive. The people you would attract in that situation would not be worth the candle. If submission is what you really want, the right man will draw it from you like filings to a magnet.

I have said it countless times, but a Dominant of either sex does not, if they are worthy of the title, want a 'submissive person'. They want what you appear to be: a confident, attractive person who wants/needs to submit to them.

Perfectly stated. As a dominant female, I want a confident submissive. I'm also the type who likes a little pushback.

 

[PtyLips]

Don't try to change yourself into someone who appears more submissive. The people you would attract in that situation would not be worth the candle. If submission is what you really want, the right man will draw it from you like filings to a magnet.

I have said it countless times, but a Dominant of either sex does not, if they are worthy of the title, want a 'submissive person'. They want what you appear to be: a confident, attractive person who wants/needs to submit to them.

That's a really good point, that I had never really considered. Thanks to bringing this to my attention. Like the OP I have always gotten throwaway remarks related to being a total domme, meaning I generally took charge of most situations. Mind you those proposed "insults" came from people outside the lifestyle, so their concept is incredibly limited. I always just took it and had no idea how to respond to it, but still feel incredibly hurt, cause that was not at all what I am craving.
Like OP I am, what most people would consider career driven workaholic, so being in charge is my default mode. I have spent endless hours trying to come up with a way to change my attitude, but you have given me new food for thought.

 

[save_a_horse]

That's a really good point, that I had never really considered. Thanks to bringing this to my attention. Like the OP I have always gotten throwaway remarks related to being a total domme, meaning I generally took charge of most situations. Mind you those proposed "insults" came from people outside the lifestyle, so their concept is incredibly limited. I always just took it and had no idea how to respond to it, but still feel incredibly hurt, cause that was not at all what I am craving.
Like OP I am, what most people would consider career driven workaholic, so being in charge is my default mode. I have spent endless hours trying to come up with a way to change my attitude, but you have given me new food for thought.

There's possibly some mixing of Dom/Sub and Extravert/Introvert themes here.
I am definitely Dominant (sexually) but an Introvert (socially). I am strongly attracted to the "obvious" alpha female (in public - often an extrovert and often forced by life's circumstances to "wear the pants") who really wants to let it go and be dominated by a strong (yet not cruel) man.

 

[midwestyankee]

It's my take that dominant men enjoy - among other things - the undivided attention of their partner. As its her devotion to his interests that rings his chimes, I think one very good way to appeal to a man who prefers sexual dominance would be to offer up laser-like focus on a man who otherwise appeals to you. I would think that a few minutes of intense and undivided focus on someone in a social setting would tell you if he was comfortable with that focus or not. Notice if his drink is nearly empty and offer to get it refreshed at the bar, for example, or go in search of the server who's presenting that perfect little appetizer that he mentioned enjoying so much.

 

[SlutAddicted]

I think it is always best to be yourself regardless of the type of relationship you are after. Whether you are after a Dom or just a more assertive man he needs to be able to deal with you as you really are. I personally don't believe that being meek is a pre-requisite for being Sub.

What is required is the ability to follow and be happy doing it. Ceding control means following enthusiastically and unreservedly in full knowledge that outcomes will not be the same as if you were in charge. Embrace that different path with no comments, qualifiers, "buts" and so forth that will undermine his authority. If you hear the words "I am just saying....." come out of your mouth you are not following. You must always look out for yourself but if you constantly opt out of his leadership, even politely and with reason, then you aren't following. Look for opportunities to follow without reservation. And if doing so throws you plans off, all the better - take that opportunity to put him first.

One of the best ways to demonstrate your willingness to follow and one of the ways a Dom will test that willingness is in relation to things that are out of character and for which you would normally be sensitive about the judgment of others. If he is a good Dom who understands you he will only push the limits that need pushing and not strictly for his own amusement.

If you are a woman who normally would resist a man squeezing her ass in public...let him do it and leave it there like it is his for the taking. If he likes red lipstick or slightly shorter skirts or higher heels oblige him - keep it within tasteful range but take an honest look at what that really is not just your own comfort zone. If you are the woman who let's her friends constantly interrupt and take her away from her date during parties......don't be. Politely tell them not now.

Men are used to women who are more worried about what other women (and authority figures) think of them than what men think. In fact we are used to having our perspective delegitimized when it comes to sex. Woman cater to the way they think we should be, not the way we really are. See him for what he is and if you still like him be willing to accommodate him. Stop thinking "why does he want me to wear a shorter skirt, he wouldn't care if he respected me". Start thinking "he finds me attractive and asked me nicely so what is so wrong with a shorter skirt and what kind of friend judges me for obliging him."

 

[Netzach]

Basically my question is , without turning to a helpless girly, how to I attract the more assertive man.

You can't. It's a coin toss. Nobody is the person on a date that they really are.

You can get them by actually having intelligent and honest conversations about sex and power and desire and you can't get to that point without just winging your way through the dating process, kissing frogs, deciding which offend you and which don't. They turn into princes in slow-mo, nobody told us this.

In other words - the same way you attract the less assertive man, you just pay more attention to what he's saying than you might be doing. Use media and pop culture bullshit conversations that most people have on first few dates as a thermometer. You love a song with an obvious man-in-control theme, even though it's a little messed up, you secretly think it's hot. Watch the reaction. (I do the opposite.) Not because it's messed up, per se, but because "I secretly think" are probably some of the most erotic words there are, so I guarantee he won't miss what you said.

Most women insist they want more assertive men, after going through a dating ritual that makes them the center of the known universe, having conversations that are all about how utterly fascinating a woman you are. It's an addictive high, but it leaves you knowing ultimately very little about the man you're falling for beyond the animal attractors. It makes for poor relationships, and especially poor conversations around power, or lack thereof.

A lot of people are going to recommend that you do little things to how you look or act, but really, I'm just going to say that you listen 100 percent more than you probably are, or any of us usually are. If you have to change anything the stuff MWY said was good (you call it lazerlike focus, I call it listening hard) - a few little things that shift the expectation of being catered to just 10 percent off of where it usually is on a heterodate will be enough to be noticed. Even just handing him his jacket before he helps you into yours will ping the brain.

 

[Netzach]

I think it is always best to be yourself regardless of the type of relationship you are after. Whether you are after a Dom or just a more assertive man he needs to be able to deal with you as you really are. I personally don't believe that being meek is a pre-requisite for being Sub.

What is required is the ability to follow and be happy doing it. Ceding control means following enthusiastically and unreservedly in full knowledge that outcomes will not be the same as if you were in charge. Embrace that different path with no comments, qualifiers, "buts" and so forth that will undermine his authority. If you hear the words "I am just saying....." come out of your mouth you are not following. You must always look out for yourself but if you constantly opt out of his leadership, even politely and with reason, then you aren't following. Look for opportunities to follow without reservation. And if doing so throws you plans off, all the better - take that opportunity to put him first.

One of the best ways to demonstrate your willingness to follow and one of the ways a Dom will test that willingness is in relation to things that are out of character and for which you would normally be sensitive about the judgment of others. If he is a good Dom who understands you he will only push the limits that need pushing and not strictly for his own amusement.

If you are a woman who normally would resist a man squeezing her ass in public...let him do it and leave it there like it is his for the taking. If he likes red lipstick or slightly shorter skirts or higher heels oblige him - keep it within tasteful range but take an honest look at what that really is not just your own comfort zone. If you are the woman who let's her friends constantly interrupt and take her away from her date during parties......don't be. Politely tell them not now.

Men are used to women who are more worried about what other women (and authority figures) think of them than what men think. In fact we are used to having our perspective delegitimized when it comes to sex. Woman cater to the way they think we should be, not the way we really are. See him for what he is and if you still like him be willing to accommodate him. Stop thinking "why does he want me to wear a shorter skirt, he wouldn't care if he respected me". Start thinking "he finds me attractive and asked me nicely so what is so wrong with a shorter skirt and what kind of friend judges me for obliging him."

So be yourself, as long as yourself is a red lipsticked fantasy fuck doll caricature of a submissive woman, for dates you don't even know or have reason to trust. IOW, submissive women are ready to submit before anything with a penis by date one, and every other woman is not submissive.

 

[SlutAddicted]

So be yourself, as long as yourself is a red lipsticked fantasy fuck doll caricature of a submissive woman, for dates you don't even know or have reason to trust. IOW, submissive women are ready to submit before anything with a penis by date one, and every other woman is not submissive.

You are being unfairly selective in picking which of my words to read and ignoring qualifiers.

I certainly wouldn't recommend any of things things for early dates, but am trying to look forward to a potential future. And I think it is key that we look at our partner's true desires and apply our own objective assessment of what we find acceptable......not what girlfriends, mommy or the pope says.

I don't see how a Sub can follow a Dom if she cares more about what others think. I didn't say be oblivious to society or accept any trampy outfit he puts on you.......but ya if he likes a skirt an inch above the knee rather than an inch below is that really so hard?

 

[Stella_Omega]

I can never give better advice than Netzach does.


That being said, let me offer you a bit of information that may be very useful to you in future discussions;

My ex very much is a sub but to me that basically translated to I'm going to lie here, let you pleasure me and not touch you- I used to be crying in frustration .

That's not submission.

You might not actually be submissive either; you might want someone who can be trained to do what you need, for you. Which may very well include making some decisions for you, based on what he knows about you because you've taught him-- like where to go for dinner and what you like to eat.
Because we all of us experience decision fatigue!

 

[sereneone4u]

Don't try to change yourself into someone who appears more submissive. The people you would attract in that situation would not be worth the candle. If submission is what you really want, the right man will draw it from you like filings to a magnet.

I have said it countless times, but a Dominant of either sex does not, if they are worthy of the title, want a 'submissive person'. They want what you appear to be: a confident, attractive person who wants/needs to submit to them.

This right here.

 

[tonyp]

hmm

a thousand million stars with planets revolving around all of them

Just be yourself - workout what you want and dont worry if you feel different. I am sure there is a match for you closer than you think.

 

[FurryFury]

I agree not to change into a "weak" submissive to attract "strong" Doms. Let me tell you what to do in a dating or kink situation when someone tells you you have to always be in charge. Say something like this, "Actually no. That's not me. I have to be in charge at work. I don't want to be in charge other places." Communication can help so much. It's come up for me many, many times as I seem like a Domme to people to. Yeah. No. Sorry your fantasy isn't what I am. Next!

 

[Coolhand777]

That's a very tough question. I'm a dominant man and I find myself more attracted to women who display traditional gender roles. In other words....A woman that expects me to pay for dinner or allow me to open the door for her. She can be a strong and confident woman as long as she can let a man be the man.

 

[MikeD93]

Join a gym, be athletic. Nothing brings out assertivesness in a man other then competition. Its hot seeing a girl push you to squat more or run faster. I have seen plenty of said girls are look feminine with their pink running shoes and what not

 

[Evil_Geoff]

Basically my question is , without turning to a helpless girly, how to I attract the more assertive man.

You don't do a damn thing to "attract" a more assertive man. There are plenty of assertive, confident men out there. If you think someone has potential, start with friendship. Put some time and energy and effort into getting to know them. You know, do it the old fashioned way. There's no substitute for building a solid relationship.

IF you find someone worth submitting to, and who trips your triggers, and you trip his, you will find yourself following his lead.

 

[CollarAndFeather]

Repeating what many other have said but as a sub who thought she was a switch/service top before, I'll chime in too.

Top/bottom refers to who's doing something to whom
Dom/sub refers to who's controlling the situation

Your ex wasn't a sub, he was a bottom (& a bad example of one imo)

I used to put off Domme vibes because my flirting tendencies were to act toward them like I would want them to act toward me. (Usually a good rule, but can create problems sometimes) As you can imagine, people instinctively picking up on my sub side were rather confused by this, especially when I was a teen. (Even at 19 this was still causing problems)

Being a sub doesn't mean being weak/feminine; there are plenty of strong male subs out there to prove it. Hell, the type of sub who's always in control, except toward their Dom(me) isn't at all uncommon and seems to really be a turnon for some Dom(me)s. In my (limited) experience, it's not the normal 'vibes' you put off that are the important thing, but how you flirt. How you act normally and how you flirt don't have to be at al close if that's not who you are.

Flirting is, among other things, about communicating the type of relationship you want & are offering, so it's important to not send the wrong signals there. If you aren't looking for being protected/taken care of being part of your relationship dynamic, then 'helpless' shouldn't be at all part of how you flirt. BDSM is a broad category. What parts of it push your buttons? Think about those specifically, and keep them in mind. Top/bottom, Dom/sub, Sadist/masochist, & many other parts (like petplay) can come together in different ways. Keep in mind, always, what kind of a relationship you want. It doesn't do anyone any good to pretend you like something that you don't.