Can i get some advice?

[SexxyDevil69]

I know that this is not the poetry fourm but i have never really been there and seeing as i have made a few post here i was hoping i could share a poem i wrote here and get some feedback on it...

I thought I knew you

I thought I knew you
What a joke

You held my hand and
Kissed my cheeks

Smiled when I sneezed
And laughed at my jokes

You led me to your room
But when I said no…

I thought that would never happen to me
I thought I was safe

I cried every night
And woke with screams that got stuck in my throat

The dreams were so bad
They made me remember that God awful night

You said you loved me
And I believed

You took my body and
Made me do your will

You hit me and said
“This is what you want” over and over again

I tried to get away but
You just pushed me back down

I couldn’t do anything to stop you
You tore me to pieces inside and out

I thought I knew you
Ha what a joke.


Written by:
Dawn

I would be grateful for any advice on it or any thoughts
Thank you for your time

 

[deezire1900]

I think the bite of the poem is why no one has responded, and because judging such a personal experience would just be wrong.

It is kind of jumpy for me. There just isn't a flow to it.

 

[SexxyDevil69]

Thank you for replying to me

 

[John Doe]

I wouldn't post my full name with the poem if I were you, unless Dawn _____ _______ is a pseudonym?

 

[deezire1900]

True about the name thing...sometimes people on here can be weird. They may think this is a fantasy of yours and contact you trying to fulfill it. :::Shutters:::

 

[John Doe]

True about the name thing...sometimes people on here can be weird. They may think this is a fantasy of yours and contact you trying to fulfill it. :::Shutters:::

Yes, close the shutters too.

 

[SweetErika]

I wouldn't post my full name with the poem if I were you, unless Dawn _____ _______ is a pseudonym?

My thoughts exactly...as nice and harmless as everyone who comes to Lit might be, you just never know.

Dawn, I think your poem does a good job portraying thoughts and is very clear. I'd venture to say it'd be more powerful if you could add more imagery and emotion and use more descriptive words to paint a picture (e.g. pushed -> shoved, forced, equate being torn to pieces to something else, describe what it was like being hit, etc. ). I'm terribly sorry if this is a manifestation of personal experience, but the act of writing about it shows incredible courage, strength, and healing.

 

[funwdi]

Your poem could be really great if it had a few modifications. Take your time, read it out loud and see how it flows for you. Watch the uneven rhythm. It has potential, though!
By the way...who hurt you so bad? (If you don't mind me asking)

 

[SexxyDevil69]

Your poem could be really great if it had a few modifications. Take your time, read it out loud and see how it flows for you. Watch the uneven rhythm. It has potential, though!
By the way...who hurt you so bad? (If you don't mind me asking)

I wrote this poem more from a nightmare that i had...I had a hard time seeing that it was more of a emotional rape that i had suffered from the first guy i had ever had sex with...He broke my heart and used me for my body and so it felt to me like he really raped me...It still hurts a lot and its been almost 4 years ago but i have healed and i thank you all for the advice and thank you for showing concern Funwdi...I will try to fix it up to make it more powerful...my nightmares make it feel real enough that i can do that so...

Now i had not really thought about that whole name thing before but thanks for reminding me not to do things like that...I will try to remember not to do that the next time i decide to put my stuff online