Can I Get a Haiku?

[Syndra Lynn]

I had a sparkling moment on Monday. Here's the short long form:

Had the blues and feeling down. Stopped at the coffee shop down on the waterfront before heading back to work after lunch to grab a caffeine rush to propel me through my day.

The guy takes forever making a chai latte, then makes it with milk instead of soy and has to redo it. Cranky Syndra huffs over to the window to wait.

The sky, water and mind were dingy gray. Then for the briefest moment, the sun darted through the clouds to tickle the water.

The moment literally felt like a haiku!

I was transfixed. The water sparkled and my spirit was lifted, illuminated. Just as quickly, it was gray again, but I carried that serenity with me throughout the day.

I tried to write a haiku, but just could not pull off a convincing one that captured the moment. I did write Sparkle and it captured the feeling. But I wanted a haiku. It's like that moment deserved a haiku and I couldn't do it justice.

With all these talented poets flitting about, one of you must be able to write a haiku that will capture my moment.

Any takers?

Grateful if you try.

Syn

 

[DeepAsleep]

You may have already written one, and not noticed.

~

The sun darted through
the clouds
tickled the water.

~

People get so attached to form, with haiku. Formlessness runs my world, here.

~

Parting clouds
shinine sun
I, smiling.

 

[Tathagata]

sparkling like diamonds
the sun and water give me
the greatest riches


lemme have some coffee and try again

 

[Reltne]

Latte Bay - Haiku

moody colors run
winter grey and latte bay
caffeine bursting sun

 

[WickedEve]

gray sky moody
sun eruption
me and diamond bay

 

[WickedEve]

gray sky moody
sun eruption
me and diamond bay

I posted this the same time Reltne posted his. Go with his haiku suggestion. It's great.

 

[Remec]

I tried to write a haiku, but just could not pull off a convincing one that captured the moment. I did write Sparkle and it captured the feeling. But I wanted a haiku. It's like that moment deserved a haiku and I couldn't do it justice.

With all these talented poets flitting about, one of you must be able to write a haiku that will capture my moment.

Any takers?

I went back to what you wrote in "Sparkle" and came up with this:


Grey sky fills my mind,
Erupting sun drops diamonds,
Transforming my day.

<g>

 

[Tathagata]

grey morning harbor
erupting sun shatters clouds
revealing my mind

 

[bluerains]

cosmic mirror

smidgens of sunlight
seeds of cosmic creation
retraces earths sea

death embers flicker
spreading aquas blue essense
waves liquify light

wrote this a couple of years ago on my other site...
hope it sparks your eye....take care....blue

 

[The_Fool]

Re: Latte Bay - Haiku

moody colors run
winter grey and latte bay
caffeine bursting sun

Awesome....

One of those poems that say to me...."Stupid bastard, now THIS is poetry..."

 

[Du Lac]

here you go...Haiku for you

I as you may know love Haiku... here is one for your moment of sane living...~

Gray storms thunder in
A withered maniac abyss
Fire on water heals

Hope you like it..
Du~

 

[Angeline]

Re: Re: Latte Bay - Haiku

Awesome....

One of those poems that say to me...."Stupid bastard, now THIS is poetry..."

I thought so, too. Excellent ku, Reltne.

Now I have to try one.

 

[Angeline]

My fingers on glass.
Snowflakes fat enough to count:
two crows, one pine branch.

 

[foehn]

I like all of these. Pretty dazzling inspiration and original poem, too.

I think DA has a good point about form. I did a little research and it seems that many contemporary English writers have abandoned the syllable count.

Technically, English can have no equivalent of the Japanese haiku, the way I understand it. Maybe more to the point is to just say I don't understand it.

I read, this morning, some translations of original haiku poems into English, where the translator made the poems into rhyming couplets, presumably to capture the "punch" that the haiku has in its native language.

The syllable count still makes for a viable form, but having abandoned that, there seem to be yet other criteria by which the effectiveness of the English semi-equivalent may be evaluated.

And I do honestly like all the brief poems I've read in this thread.



/f

 

[Merrymaker]

winter's fingers clench
joyous light bursts through to dance
brief glimpse of freedom

 

[Reltne]

I like all of these. Pretty dazzling inspiration and original poem, too.

I think DA has a good point about form. I did a little research and it seems that many contemporary English writers have abandoned the syllable count.

Technically, English can have no equivalent of the Japanese haiku, the way I understand it. Maybe more to the point is to just say I don't understand it.

I read, this morning, some translations of original haiku poems into English, where the translator made the poems into rhyming couplets, presumably to capture the "punch" that the haiku has in its native language.

The syllable count still makes for a viable form, but having abandoned that, there seem to be yet other criteria by which the effectiveness of the English semi-equivalent may be evaluated.

And I do honestly like all the brief poems I've read in this thread.



/f

If You are interested in learning about Haiku, our own jthserra has written a series of "How To" articles that can be found here on Lit.
I believe the initial one was : What is Haiku? You can find the other articles by visiting his Lit. submission page. (Click on his name above.)

My little 5 minute jotting:


Latte Bay - Haiku

moody colors run
winter grey and latte bay
caffeine bursting sun


was written in the 5-7-5 form because it is the most common style in English. It probably is questionable as a Haiku for other reasons, such as the rhymes, and humanistic words like "moody". - I apparently do much better in minimal forms, whatever you call them, than in longer works. Thank you to the poets who have said they liked this scribble.

 

[DeepAsleep]

Regarding form...

I have a problem with limitations and definitions, in general. When they are related to me, I balk. I don't like them. I suppose that I've always thought that if you define something, you limit it. And I feel this way even more so when it comes to Haiku. The 5-7-5 format leads to some good stuff, but it's so easy to agonize over something you like, because you're off by one or two syllables. I can't see, say, Basho being overly worried by something like that, when he wrote this haiku:

Old pond
Frog jumps in
Plop!

So, yes. That's my take on form, in Haiku.

Reltne - awesome work.

~D.A.

 

[Syndra Lynn]

Oooo!

I love them all! I can feel warm little haikus kissing my skin like summer rain! These are truly breathtaking and do such a wonderful job of capturing the moment.

Yes, jthserra is our resident haiku God. I have read his whole series on haiku and while I now understand the form much better, I am not better at it.

Where is he? I expected the thread title to lure him like sharks to fresh blood!

moody colors run
winter grey and latte bay
caffeine bursting sun

That is just stunning Reltne!


I wanted to thank DA for finding this:

The sun darted through
the clouds
tickled the water.

and contributing this:

Parting clouds
shining sun
I, smiling.

They both capture the moment elegantly.

Remec's

Grey sky fills my mind,
Erupting sun drops diamonds,
Transforming my day.

was perfect!

Tath's coffee fueled attempt left me dazzled in a whole new way.

grey morning harbor
erupting sun shatters clouds
revealing my mind

While keeping the original intent, twisted in a new perspective that I really like!

Angeline's was a different winter scene and perfect to the core! Beautiful writing, as always.

My fingers on glass.
Snowflakes fat enough to count:
two crows, one pine branch.

And Merrymaker's strayed the farthest from the picture I drew, while retaining the feeling precisely. I love this!

winter's fingers clench
joyous light bursts through to dance
brief glimpse of freedom

All wonderful words, fellow poets! I thank you from the bottom and the top of my !

Syn

 

[bogusbrig]

Haiku

Sequin speckles cast
Gently dance on lazy gray
The sun’s brief smile

 

[Syndra Lynn]

Re: Haiku

Sequin speckles cast
Gently dance on lazy gray
The sun’s brief smile

Ooo! fresh meat

I like the effort very much. Welcome to Lit.

Syn

 

[BlackShanglan]

Good Wife of Bath
Decked Jankyn for his vilainye-
Nice shot, Alysoun.

Sorry, just pulled myself out of the Canterbury tales. I love when Alysoun yanks the leaves out her husband's book about wicked wives. After she decks him, he punches her back and leaves her half-fainting on the floor. She gasps to him to come closer for one last kiss before she dies - then, when he stoops, punches him and cries out, "Now I'm avenged and ready to die!" (She lives).

Love the spirit in that one

Shanglan

 

[foehn]

Good Wife of Bath
Decked Jankyn for his vilainye-
Nice shot, Alysoun.

Sorry, just pulled myself out of the Canterbury tales. I love when Alysoun yanks the leaves out her husband's book about wicked wives. After she decks him, he punches her back and leaves her half-fainting on the floor. She gasps to him to come closer for one last kiss before she dies - then, when he stoops, punches him and cries out, "Now I'm avenged and ready to die!" (She lives).

Love the spirit in that one

Shanglan

LOL! Now, that was a rude bump!

Interesting, though... What is it Captain Hook said to Peter? "Indeterminable form, Peter! Indeterminable form!"

 

[bogusbrig]

No classic beauty
Just swift fingers that respond
I am but fresh meat


I just couldn't resist your challenge.

 

[jthserra]

more a senryu

suddenly
sunlight on water
        -- on my heart



jim : )

 

[rimmy]

her look excites me
every time that i see her
we are meant to be