Can being a new sub be overwhelming?

[Daddy2mylilgirl]

I've chatted with a few eager and new subs recently and after what I thought were some promising chats they seem to have disappeared. I don't believe they are fakes but I get the feeling that the new feelings and emotions of being a sub or at least allowing that side of them to come out has kind of scared them away.

They tell me how they are in control in their regular life and always have been but they secretly want that loss of control and to have someone else make the decisions.

Could it be that these new feelings and emotions are too overwhelming? Maybe they don't know how to handle them.

Just looking to better understand the beautiful mind of a sub.

 

[CutieMouse]

I'm trying to think of how to respond to this post... I'll be back at some point.

 

[legallyHottt]

hey, I'm a Sub..and I'm new here, and I'm a little nervous. It's overwhelming when someone talks to me that I don't really know, but I'm pretty good at opening up to people.

 

[BiBunny]

In my experience, the reasons for subs cutting out on Dom/mes they talked to online are one of two things.

#1--They never intended to meet the Dom/me at all. They were looking for someone to chat with to pass the time, an online relationship, or something like that.

#2--The Dom/me pushed too hard, too quickly, raising red flags in the sub's mind. The need for self-preservation kicked in, and that was that.

I think #2 is too often overlooked or passed off as #1. Nobody wants to admit that they've screwed up, and it's easier to blame things on a sub's insecurities. When I was seriously chatting with Dom/mes online, I found that if I talked to 10 of them, at least 7 or 8 of them made me feel uncomfortable right off the bat. There were always one or two that I was unsure about. Rarely did I ever speak with someone I felt comfortable enough to meet in real life. I think I have, at one time or another, talked to almost all the male dominants between the ages of 21 and 35 in a 100-mile radius. I have no idea how many that is, but, out of those, I met a grand total of four of them.

With the the very real possibility of the guy you're talking to being a serial killer, then you really can't hold it against someone for being wary.

 

[Daddy2mylilgirl]

I'm trying to think of how to respond to this post... I'll be back at some point.

I hope you do. I've read some of your replies to other threads and I really respect your opinion.

 

[Recidiva]

All relationships have a lot of trial and error.

If a woman or a man doesn't like you on the first few dates or otherwise, unless a real commitment has been made, it's expected that ditching is...fairly common.

When you're just feeling each other out, too (so to speak) it's a lot less socially awkward for many to just disappear rather than have the tired "it's not you, it's me" talk, or even worse "Yes, it's you. I hate you. Sorry."

 

[Daddy2mylilgirl]

With the the very real possibility of the guy you're talking to being a serial killer, then you really can't hold it against someone for being wary.

Of course. I believe in taking it slow and building trust and respect first before anything else.

By the way there are some psycho subs out there too.

 

[minx1]

Obviously not every sub is the same, but for the record I was completely overwhelmed when I first submitted to my Master.

Infact I think I ran from it 2 or 3 times in the early stages..telling him I couldn't do it or that I wasn't sure it was right for me. It was all very new, completely at odds with who I was in other areas of my life and I felt emotions that scared the hell out of me. It was definitely overwhelming.

 

[the captians wench]

Why I stop talking to some one is pretty simple. If they can't hold a conversation for more than 4 sentences with out asking 1. what I'm wearing, 2. have I masterbated today/when I masterbated last, 3. pics pics pics, or some other type of question that involves me either exposing myself on cam or somethign like that. It's anoying and I'd rather just block the wanker and be done with them.

Now that's not to say that I particularly mind being wanking material for some one, not at all. But if you say "I want to chat with you" I'm expecting real conversation, and I state so before you get my yahoo id.

Then there are the ones that I just don't click with, and they won't take a hint. I really don't like disapointing people, so when I don't click with them and they keep pressing the issue and it comes to the point where it's either tell them flat out "hey I like freaks, but you're a fucking freak and that's not cool", or ignore them, I'll just ignore them.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Could be a range of reasons...as some have said, they found it overwhelming initially; another reason could be they were just bored and wanted someone to play with/chat with online for the evening; another could be that many talk to more than one person initially and maybe they found someone they connected with better and so decided to dedicate their efforts there; could be you didn't come across as offering what it was they wanted, or perhaps offering something they didn't find interesting or acceptable; could be they were not who they said they were. The possibilities are endless.

Catalina

 

[Daddy2mylilgirl]

Obviously not every sub is the same, but for the record I was completely overwhelmed when I first submitted to my Master.

Infact I think I ran from it 2 or 3 times in the early stages..telling him I couldn't do it or that I wasn't sure it was right for me. It was all very new, completely at odds with who I was in other areas of my life and I felt emotions that scared the hell out of me. It was definitely overwhelming.

Thank you.

This is the response I was looking for when I started the thread.

The examples of the subs disappearing was just the inspiration for this thread.

I wanted to find out how it is for subs just starting out not necessarily why they left me but thanks to all who have replied.

 

[the captians wench]

Thank you.

This is the response I was looking for when I started the thread.

The examples of the subs disappearing was just the inspiration for this thread.

I wanted to find out how it is for subs just starting out not necessarily why they left me but thanks to all who have replied.

I fought it tooth and nail. For months I said that I was no sub and I'd never submit to a man.....about 2 weeks after I told Jounar that, he accepted me as his.

 

[Daddy2mylilgirl]

I fought it tooth and nail. For months I said that I was no sub and I'd never submit to a man.....about 2 weeks after I told Jounar that, he accepted me as his.

Were you assertive and in control most of your life?

 

[CutieMouse]

Ok... so my initial reaction to the question was "Well, duh!" but that didn't feel very helpful.

I am the last person on the planet to believe the "submission is a gift" argument, or that submissives are generally more fragile or unstable (emotionally) than their counterparts; however, the mere act of identifying as "submissive" can (IMO) be a difficult event for some. In the same manner that Dom/mes have to go against societal conditioning, so do submissives. (I can tell you for a fact, my best friend loves me to death, and is thrilled to see me being *me*, but when she found out I seed his watermelon, she said "WTF?? He's a grown man. I don't even do that for my KIDS!" LOL) See also MyInnerSlut's trials of the past week... sometimes being submissive can have crappy consequences, beyond the whole cyber-psycho thing.

If you mix those feelings of "coming out" with the lovely <sarcasm> waters of internet dating/chat, then add the complications of kink to the mix... chaos soup, anyone?

So yeah... I'd say accepting and first experiencing submission may be a struggle for some, and that may contribute to people going "poof". You're also younger (I believe?), and not to sound overly ageist, but people in their 20s are far less sure of what they want and how to get it.

Beyond general theory, ya gotta look at the one consistant factor in the dissapearances - you. Is there a common point in conversations/etc, at which these ladies dissapeared on you, or do you feel you just had a bad run of Nervous Nellies?

 

[Recidiva]

Ok... so my initial reaction to the question was "Well, duh!" but that didn't feel very helpful.

I am the last person on the planet to believe the "submission is a gift" argument, or that submissives are generally more fragile or unstable (emotionally) than their counterparts; however, the mere act of identifying as "submissive" can (IMO) be a difficult event for some. In the same manner that Dom/mes have to go against societal conditioning, so do submissives. (I can tell you for a fact, my best friend loves me to death, and is thrilled to see me being *me*, but when she found out I seed his watermelon, she said "WTF?? He's a grown man. I don't even do that for my KIDS!" LOL) See also MyInnerSlut's trials of the past week... sometimes being submissive can have crappy consequences, beyond the whole cyber-psycho thing.

If you mix those feelings of "coming out" with the lovely <sarcasm> waters of internet dating/chat, then add the complications of kink to the mix... chaos soup, anyone?

So yeah... I'd say accepting and first experiencing submission may be a struggle for some, and that may contribute to people going "poof". You're also younger (I believe?), and not to sound overly ageist, but people in their 20s are far less sure of what they want and how to get it.

Beyond general theory, ya gotta look at the one consistant factor in the dissapearances - you. Is there a common point in conversations/etc, at which these ladies dissapeared on you, or do you feel you just had a bad run of Nervous Nellies?

Well, I've already disappeared. I don't like being asked questions that someone assumes they know the answer to and won't accept another.

 

[Daddy2mylilgirl]

Beyond general theory, ya gotta look at the one consistant factor in the dissapearances - you. Is there a common point in conversations/etc, at which these ladies dissapeared on you, or do you feel you just had a bad run of Nervous Nellies?

Thank you for helping and not ripping me apart which I know you are more than capable of doing.

I think its both. Me pushing too quickly instead of taking my time as I should and also some subs may have not been ready.

I have never professed to know everything and I know I am not a perfect Dom but I'm trying to learn as much as I can so I can better myself and in turn better my relationship with my future sub.

 

[Daddy2mylilgirl]

Well, I've already disappeared. I don't like being asked questions that someone assumes they know the answer to and won't accept another.

I guess this is directed at me and I apologize if you feel like that.

Trust me I am reading over and taking into consideration everyone who has posted in this thread.

I thank you for replying and I really do appreciate it even if I have a crappy way of showing it.

 

[Recidiva]

I guess this is directed at me and I apologize if you feel like that.

Trust me I am reading over and taking into consideration everyone who has posted in this thread.

I thank you for replying and I really do appreciate it even if I have a crappy way of showing it.

See? There are all sorts of ways people who barely know each other can dream up to offend each other. Thank you.

It's a pet peeve of mine when a think conversation is driven in a particular direction. Forgive my rudeness.

 

[sister76]

I found the new feelings and emotions totally overwhelming, but that's part of what made me keep coming back for more. The fact that someone could make me feel emotions like that and also make me relax when I felt like I couldn't do certain things got me hooked.

I'm a very assertive, high-achieving person also, but that did not stand in the way of me submitting. It probably made me ask a lot more questions, though. I fought tooth and nail, also, but obviously I loved it because I kept coming back.

 

[Daddy2mylilgirl]

See? There are all sorts of ways people who barely know each other can dream up to offend each other. Thank you.

It's a pet peeve of mine when a think conversation is driven in a particular direction. Forgive my rudeness.

No problem.

I want people to be honest. I am not a mind reader (which is even harder on the internet without the advantage of body language) so if I offend, am rude, pushy, whatever I hope someone will tell me so I can learn.

 

[HottieMama]

It is scary when you are first starting out to be sure, and i have done the disappearing act several times, most because something they said in a conversation assumed something/irritated me and it was better to just disappear than to confront them. At that point, i had no investment in the relationship, so it didn't matter to me.

With my current relationship, things built gradually through a strong and supportive friendship...which eventually led to innuendo...to me calling him Sir by "accident," to me getting very emotionally honest and telling him exactly how i felt about him...... The one constant was that he never assumed anything. The relationship progressed at its own pace, and continues to do so. If he told me he was "Daddy," and demanded that relationship, i can GUARANTEE you he wouldn't have been in my life much past that sentence.

 

[CutieMouse]

I think its both. Me pushing too quickly instead of taking my time as I should and also some subs may have not been ready.

Tough Love, babee...

From this thread:

Of course. I believe in taking it slow and building trust and respect first before anything else.

From your personals ad:

What I am NOT looking for:

I enjoy minute rice as much as the next person but I do NOT enjoy minute subs. By that I mean subs that are willing to submit to me after only one conversation. I’m good but I’m not THAT good. It should take time. I want to get to know you and for you to get to know me. I want to slowly bring your submissive side out with each conversation until you not only want to be with but NEED to serve me. In my younger days minute subs were a nice and quick way to get my rocks off but I want something more now. I’m not going to ask you what you’re wearing after only five minutes of conversation and I hope you won’t tell me.

Apparently your words (from this thread and your personals ad) are not matching your actions... trust me, nothing will piss a woman off more quickly than failing to be a man of your word. Poof!

 

[Recidiva]

No problem.

I want people to be honest. I am not a mind reader (which is even harder on the internet without the advantage of body language) so if I offend, am rude, pushy, whatever I hope someone will tell me so I can learn.

Okay, then in this case, maybe it's an issue, maybe it isn't. Do you ask leading questions and ignore the answers if it doesn't suit you?

Is your search for the learning a search to reinforce what you already know, or learn something new?

In general. (if this is a hijack, say so, I tend to do that, and go off on tangents, which I don't intend as an insult)

For me, I think I had to learn a lot of that the hard way. I now "know" a great deal less, while being a lot more wise about the remaining part of the equation. More evenhandedness in not knowing, but having my opinions still be okay.

My listening skills have improved. But as my listening skills improve, it doesn't necessarily get better, it means that it's pointed out to me how often, listening isn't something people do. It can be very frustrating.

I can say that often in meeting people, also, if you're trying to put in a good impression, it can appear fake. Something you can't sustain.

I ran like hell from my current husband. He says I ran away until I caught him. But this was over a series of years, and he was never impatient or frustrated, and I always came back.

 

[Daddy2mylilgirl]

Tough Love, babee...

From this thread:


From your personals ad:


Apparently your words (from this thread and your personals ad) are not matching your actions... trust me, nothing will piss a woman off more quickly than failing to be a man of your word. Poof!

Yea I know and I'm trying to change that. I guess my old HNG tendencies still pop up every here and there and I really want to get rid of those.

I mean the last ad I placed I really did sit down and figure out what I wanted but now I just have to walk the walk I guess.

 

[somberReality]

I'm still considering being a sub and yes, it is very overwhelming to even consider it for me. I find many Doms/Masters to be those who only want to see your body on cam or cyber.....which is a both a turn off and an insult to me, not as just a potential sub but as a human being. Many who claim to be a Dom/Master don't have a clue and makes me even more hesitant to submit.

Just my 2 cents.