Can anyone spare 5 mins for a quick appraisal?

[geronimo_appleby]

Hi, I am looking for a quick appraisal on the opening paragraphs of a new story. I'm trying to get this one as good as my limited talent will allow, and would appreciate any help that you can give regarding:

Punctutaion
Tone
Grammer
Any other topics you can pick up.

This is hopefully only going to be a brief thread as I want to get on with it while I have the peace and quiet!

Sunday afternoon 13:15 GMT (05:13 Lit)

 

[ElizabethWest]

Since no one else has offered and I seem to be talking to myself here...PM it over and I'll take a look.

 

[geronimo_appleby]

Consider the thread dead!

Thanks. Consider the thread dead. Unless anyone has an interest.