Campus Corner (Open)

[CarnivalBarker]

"Wow." She says. "Well...why do you want to? Is Reece not giving you something?"

 

[celestialdragon]

"No, it's not that, it's. . . he's new, he's different, and I'm getting married in a month," I say. "I've thought about the reasons and the pros and cons, and I'm not going to see him again. He can kiss my ass good bye. . . But I feel so. . . guilty and dirty! I took a shower TWICE before I even thought about getting in bed with Reece. . ."

 

[CarnivalBarker]

"Well," she says. "Do you HAVE to tell Reece? I mean...if you just kissed. Yeah it's bad, but....your family. I don't know how he would react."

 

[celestialdragon]

"We have a no secrets policy," I explain. "And besides, I'm going to be pushing him away from sex because I feel so dirty from it. You have no idea how close I was to actually doing it, Stacy. . . no idea. . . And UGH! Sweetie! The way he was touching me and feeling me up and talking to me. . . It took all of my willpower to turn him down for sex, sweetie. . . Also. . . If I don't tell, the guilt will eat me, and I don't want that. . . " I bury my face in my hands. "I'm such a mess. . ."

 

[CarnivalBarker]

"Well then tell him honey. It will be ok."

 

[celestialdragon]

I'm visibly crying again, and instead of speaking, I send her a text message.

"Have him come here. If I don't do it now, I won't ever be able to do it. . . And stay, please. . . I'm not sure if I'll be able to talk when he gets here. . ."

 

[CarnivalBarker]

She nods. "You sure?" She asks. Grabbing her phone.

 

[celestialdragon]

I nod, trying to calm down, but still crying openly.

 

[CarnivalBarker]

She texts and asks me to come see the two of you. After asking if everything is okay, I show up and sit beside you. "Hey baby, what's wrong?" I ask, seeing your puffy eyes.

 

[celestialdragon]

I shake my head. "No baby, there's something I need to tell you. . . "

That's all I could manage before breaking down completely, sobbing into your shoulder, whispering, "I'm sorry, baby, please forgive me, please baby. . . I love you baby. . ."

 

[CarnivalBarker]

"What?" I look at Stacy. "What's going on? Baby??"

 

[celestialdragon]

I take a few shuddering breaths and with some help from Stacy, explain everything that's happened before being reduced to a sobbing, mess. I felt better after telling you, but I was still feeling VERY guilty about what happened.

 

[CarnivalBarker]

I am stunned. "I can't....I don't believe this. You just met some guy at a mall and because he looked cute you decided to fuck him?!?"

 

[celestialdragon]

"I DIDN'T FUCK HIM!!" I nearly scream before dissolving into sobs again. "JESUS!!" I throw down the change for my coffee and storm out of the coffee shop, without my coat or sweater, hurt, upset, guilty, and feeling. . . .

Well, bad.

I go to a bench and sit down on it, curl up, and continue crying. It's about five blocks from the coffee shop, in the opposite direction of the bar and the coffee shop and the school.

I don't even hear you approach carefully, as if I was a bomb that might go off any minute.

 

[CarnivalBarker]

You feel me brush back your hair and I offer your coat. "Baby, let's go talk at home. Little guy wants to see his mom," I say, mentioning we need to pick him up from Raegan. "It will be ok," I say tearing up. "We just need to figure out how we....what we are going to do."

 

[celestialdragon]

I hear you. I get up. I take my coat but don't put it on. I felt like I didn't deserve the kindness that you were showing me.

We go and pick up the baby and go home. The entire time, I brave the cold in my short sleeved shirt, but I make sure Reece is snug in his carrier.

After I change him and put him down for his nap, I head for the club room, where I proceed to lock myself in. All you hear is a piercing wail of despair.

 

[CarnivalBarker]

I start knocking, unwilling to let you make it worse on yourself. "Lynn! Get out here!"

 

[celestialdragon]

Shaking, crying uncontrollably, I fumble with the lock on the clubroom door and open it, my head bowed deeply, not daring to even look at you. My head hurts from the amount of crying, and you notice little bite marks around my wrists, not deep, but just noticeable.

 

[CarnivalBarker]

"Baby, are you hurting yourself?" I wrap you into a hug. "Don't do that." I hug you, holding you as long as you need.

 

[celestialdragon]

I continue to cry hard, and shake. I let you hold me and eventually, long minutes later, I calm down enough to speak coherently, to think coherently. Even then, I don't speak, not trusting myself to do so.

 

[CarnivalBarker]

"Baby, let's talk. Just tell me again what happened." I say, sitting with you on the couch.

 

[celestialdragon]

Nodding, I tell you everything again, slowly and calmly, although tears kept coming to my eyes. I don't look at you and when I've told my tale I play with the fringe of the afghan that my mom had given to me as an engagement present. I repeat my apologies over and over again, quietly.

 

[CarnivalBarker]

"Did you think about me and Reece at all?" I ask very calmly. "Are you not happy with us?" I pause. "I want to know what you were looking for."

 

[celestialdragon]

"I don't even know, Reece," I whisper. "I kept thinking about you, and the baby, and how much you were. . . were going to hurt me when you found out and. . and. . . and. . . "

The waterworks came again but I spoke through them. "I'm very happy with the both of you, I don't know what I was thinking, and that makes me feel worse because I had. . . . had no reason. . . "

My breathing nearly stops because of the effort it's taking me to speak through the tears. "Shit, last night I thought I was going to get . . . . get.. . . get. .. " I can't even say the word. "My mind was. .. . Reece, Reece, think of Reece. . . . I . . . . ." I just slump forward, crying again.

When my composure is back, I whisper. "I told you because we don't keep secrets from each other and even if we did, the guilt would've torn me apart. . . ."

 

[CarnivalBarker]

"You thought you would get what?" I ask, calmly, but not letting you get away from your own thoughts.