Call me cheeky

[wishfulthinking]

Call me cheeky, but my server timed out when trying to open the New Stories thread, so I'm posting mine here:

Chapter 6 of Innocent Pawn is up.

PS hope Dr Mab gets the hint to start a new thread

 

[herecomestherain]

Wishfulthinking is cheeky Cheeky is good. There should be more cheek. I love cheeks.

 

[wishfulthinking]

Rain, sounds like we should be called the Cheeky Girls!

How does that song go - we are the cheeky girls, you are the cheeky boys?

Anway, can't wait to read your story on the weekend - I love your writing!!

S

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Okay, Cheeky, did I hear my name mentioned?

Don’t know what happened with the other thread, but I read the story, and thought I’d give you some impressions.

I thought it was very good, and am very impressed with how far it’s come from that first chapter, which felt somewhat shaky. I haven’t read the chapters in between, but you seem to have created a very nice, threatening/erotic relationship between the two of them. The pleasure you feel in writing these sensually erotic scenes is obvious and really comes across, and to me that’s the sign of a great writer, that the emotions come through the language. I thought the horse scene was especially wonderfully realized. You really work the romance side well.

On the down side, there are times when I can’t tell what’s physically happening between the two of them: the positions of their bodies, things like that. In the opening, I asumed they were lying down, but then she’s in his lap, and I didn’t understand how that happened. Then, during the scene in the garden, she is sitting on a bench and he’s standing (I think), and then:

Her heart raced as he straddled the large bench to kneel before her, gazing up into her expressive face as his large palms easily found her slippered feet beneath the layers of silk and lace.

How do you straddle a bench and kneel at the same time? It took me aback. I’m a very visualk reader and like to know just who’s where doing what, and you could be more explicit in that kind of thing.

That’s my only real complaint. But I would offer some advice too. Sahe seems to be drifting around the castle an awful lot, with no purpose or goal in mind. I know that she’s his prisoner and at his mercy, but even so, it would give her more depth if she had some sort of agenda in mind. Maybe she’s just biding her time and brooding, but it would be good if she had something to do with herself. Maybe she likes to sit in the garden in the morning and look at the flowers, maybe she’s planning some escape or trying to sneak a message out or conniving with a servant. Something to keep her from seeming like such a piece of human flotsam. I think that would help to give the story some dramatic focus too, rather than having her just wandering around waiting for him to do something.

---dr.M.

 

[herecomestherain]

Hey cheeky Ms Wishful

Thank goodness we've got that horse scene out there, I've been waiting to see/read how that saddle got put to use. Nice work WT, it's very sexy and as the good doc says the pleasure you take in the writing shows. Methinks I'll find myself a stallion or maybe a pony?

Cheers,
'rain

 

[wishfulthinking]

I'll be extra cheeky and say that I got off lightly on the horse scene! I expected a few comments about that, not in the least how historically inaccurate it was - no pommels, and the size of the mount would have meant she was doing the splits, so the real question would have been what wouldn't have rubbed?

But yeah, I find not knowing where everyone is positioned is bloody annoying, and so to realise I am doing it deserves a big smack.

As to wandering aimlessly - I think the chapter was very akward, and this wasn't something I seemed to be able to overcome without bogging down the story. He realises he loves her and can no longer treat her like the jerk that he has been, so in reality she is becoming more his equal and less the submissive. But she is still his prisoner, and I guess a part of what I wanted to convey was that she was far from being a partner or his equal, she merely shared one part of his life, and that needs to be developed in the next couple of chapters before lurve could happen. Cheesy, I know.

 

[Boxlicker101]

I think Math Girl, with the AV she usually use, is the cheekiest one of all.

 

[bbkradwell]

Cheeky? Cheesy?

Cheesy? Cheeky?
<Strange, but all of a sudden I desire a ham&swiss sandwich>
Now who's being cheeky, eh?

 

[wishfulthinking]

Re: Cheeky? Cheesy?

Originally posted by bbkradwell Cheesy? Cheeky?
Strange, but all of a sudden I desire a ham&swiss sandwich. Now who's being cheeky, eh?
[/B]

I'm afraid that's called being whacky