By The Fire
- Thread starter JAMAICA
- Start date
HomerPindar
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Sep 21, 2001
- Posts
- 963
I was certainly getting into it, till I hit that third stanza. The room/zoom rhyme just kinda tossed me right out of the mood and room you had set up. It's a little to obvious, to cliche, for the romantic setting, IMHO.
HomerPindar
HomerPindar
HomerPindar
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Sep 21, 2001
- Posts
- 963
Re: Hmmm...
Indeed I did, and over all I enjoyed the setting, and the way you placed the reader in the room, it just took me out of the romance in that turn of phrase...
HomerPindar
JAMAICA said:
Indeed I did, and over all I enjoyed the setting, and the way you placed the reader in the room, it just took me out of the romance in that turn of phrase...
HomerPindar
G
Guest
Guest
I am Judge #4.
I gave this poem a 2.75 in the first round. I hope what I write here helps to clarify why.
FORM
--I immediately liked the iambic pentameter right off the bat. The form of a sonnet seemed well suited to the subject and mood of the poem. However, there were places where you let the rhythm get away from you. (Lines 7 and 8, 9, 17, 23.)
--I wholeheartedly agree with Homer. The room/zoom rhyme was just plain goofy. I'm sorry. Zoom is a word that brings to mind kids playing with toy rockets and comic book heroes swinging punches at each other. This poem was more about romance, as Homer pointed out, and that single word just messes that up.
--Lines 15 and 16, the rhyme seemed forced too. "How could I know,"--the tone this suggest feels out of place with the rest of the poem, which feels warm and loving. Also, the line about dozing off seems like it's there only to provide a rhyme for "reposed."
--"While hands and fingers softly take their chance." I liked this line.
STYLE
--I saw no juxtaposition of styles between poets.
--I had no real complaint about style in this poem.
IMAGERY
--I found the message of love coming from a surprising source to be a good one. The final couplet was nice, but seemed a little redundant. (Line two: "To search out love, so my poor heart could mend.")
--Some phrases that didn't work for me: "eyes grown thick," "skiing tongue," "spark enflamed," "her face caressed my eyes," "our postures lay reposed."
So, in all, although I liked the poem, those phrases I just mentioned and the rhyming difficulties just brought the poem down too much for me.
I gave this poem a 2.75 in the first round. I hope what I write here helps to clarify why.
FORM
--I immediately liked the iambic pentameter right off the bat. The form of a sonnet seemed well suited to the subject and mood of the poem. However, there were places where you let the rhythm get away from you. (Lines 7 and 8, 9, 17, 23.)
--I wholeheartedly agree with Homer. The room/zoom rhyme was just plain goofy. I'm sorry. Zoom is a word that brings to mind kids playing with toy rockets and comic book heroes swinging punches at each other. This poem was more about romance, as Homer pointed out, and that single word just messes that up.
--Lines 15 and 16, the rhyme seemed forced too. "How could I know,"--the tone this suggest feels out of place with the rest of the poem, which feels warm and loving. Also, the line about dozing off seems like it's there only to provide a rhyme for "reposed."
--"While hands and fingers softly take their chance." I liked this line.
STYLE
--I saw no juxtaposition of styles between poets.
--I had no real complaint about style in this poem.
IMAGERY
--I found the message of love coming from a surprising source to be a good one. The final couplet was nice, but seemed a little redundant. (Line two: "To search out love, so my poor heart could mend.")
--Some phrases that didn't work for me: "eyes grown thick," "skiing tongue," "spark enflamed," "her face caressed my eyes," "our postures lay reposed."
So, in all, although I liked the poem, those phrases I just mentioned and the rhyming difficulties just brought the poem down too much for me.
G
Guest
Guest
Judge #4 again. 
I haven't the time to reply in detail, but will get back to you. I may have messed up on the line numbers. I was resisting actually WRITING the numbers on the paper. I'm stubborn.
I haven't the time to reply in detail, but will get back to you. I may have messed up on the line numbers. I was resisting actually WRITING the numbers on the paper. I'm stubborn.
G
Guest
Guest
Re: Reply
--Line 8 "We warmly laughed and open'd our rustic door."
I see that you've omitted the e in open'd, but it doesn't eliminate the second syllable. Taking out the "our" might have worked, but if you don't feel a roughness there, we'll just have to agree to disagree.
--Line 9 "A spark enflamed, the fireplace warmed the room."
Your use of the bold print helps clarify things, but I still felt like I had to say "fireplace" fast to make it fit. It's not a huge problem, though.
--Line 23 "Beneath cisalpine view, she watched me burn."
Okay, the problem is entirely mine. My dictionary didn't have "cisalpine" in it. I had to ask daughter what it meant. Therefore I didn't have a guide to pronouncing it either. In my head I kept saying, "CIS-al-peen." I stand corrected then. No problem with line 23.
--On the "heart's mending" bookending thing: You know, I've had a problem with this type of repitition before, so maybe it's just me. I've been trying to analyze just what makes it work in some cases for me and not in others. I still haven't figured out what.
--As far as the phrases I listed, I had no problem understanding what you meant to convey, it was the use of the words that felt off to me. Again, probably a personal thing.
--The rhyming difficulties:
Room/zoom, reposed/dozed, aglow/know which I explained.
Eyes, device--almost worked, but not quite for me.
Hope this helps.
--Line 8 "We warmly laughed and open'd our rustic door."
I see that you've omitted the e in open'd, but it doesn't eliminate the second syllable. Taking out the "our" might have worked, but if you don't feel a roughness there, we'll just have to agree to disagree.
--Line 9 "A spark enflamed, the fireplace warmed the room."
Your use of the bold print helps clarify things, but I still felt like I had to say "fireplace" fast to make it fit. It's not a huge problem, though.
--Line 23 "Beneath cisalpine view, she watched me burn."
Okay, the problem is entirely mine. My dictionary didn't have "cisalpine" in it. I had to ask daughter what it meant. Therefore I didn't have a guide to pronouncing it either. In my head I kept saying, "CIS-al-peen." I stand corrected then. No problem with line 23.
--On the "heart's mending" bookending thing: You know, I've had a problem with this type of repitition before, so maybe it's just me. I've been trying to analyze just what makes it work in some cases for me and not in others. I still haven't figured out what.
--As far as the phrases I listed, I had no problem understanding what you meant to convey, it was the use of the words that felt off to me. Again, probably a personal thing.
--The rhyming difficulties:
Room/zoom, reposed/dozed, aglow/know which I explained.
Eyes, device--almost worked, but not quite for me.
Hope this helps.
Re: Re: Reply
I missed the "aglow/know and eyes/device" note. Could you go over your exception to these?
Is it that you feel that in order to rhyme, the words must have the same syllabic meter within the word? Or...?
Thanks again,
Jamaica
Unregistered said:
I missed the "aglow/know and eyes/device" note. Could you go over your exception to these?
Is it that you feel that in order to rhyme, the words must have the same syllabic meter within the word? Or...?
Thanks again,
Jamaica
G
Guest
Guest
Re: Re: Re: Reply
I missed the "aglow/know and eyes/device" note. Could you go over your exception to these?
aglow/know -- My only objection was that I didn't care for "How could I know?" I pictured someone with a grin on her face, shrugging her shoulders in a Gene Kelly Dancin' In the Rain sort of way. Because that phrase felt out of place to me in regard to the general feel of the poem, it seemed to me like you forced that rhyme, settling for "know" when something else might have worked better. But as you said, you feel that "how could I know" was appropriate.
eyes/device -- I hadn't mentioned these two before, but they just don't rhyme to me. "Eyes" has that voiced "z" sound and device, the sibilant "s." Too different for my ears to qualify as rhyming.
*chuckles* Am I dismissed yet?
I missed the "aglow/know and eyes/device" note. Could you go over your exception to these?
aglow/know -- My only objection was that I didn't care for "How could I know?" I pictured someone with a grin on her face, shrugging her shoulders in a Gene Kelly Dancin' In the Rain sort of way. Because that phrase felt out of place to me in regard to the general feel of the poem, it seemed to me like you forced that rhyme, settling for "know" when something else might have worked better. But as you said, you feel that "how could I know" was appropriate.
eyes/device -- I hadn't mentioned these two before, but they just don't rhyme to me. "Eyes" has that voiced "z" sound and device, the sibilant "s." Too different for my ears to qualify as rhyming.
*chuckles* Am I dismissed yet?
Liechtenstein
Virgin
- Joined
- Feb 4, 2002
- Posts
- 10
Lesby friends
Whew! What is there to say after all that? I think the mechanics of this poem have been beat to death. (I will chime in to say I thought the room/zoom rhyme was really bad). So let's move on the "Longinan" (to coin a word) aspects of the poem. The main problem for me was the poem's superficiality, capturing only the outside of events, not their inner essence. Here we have a little lesbian love affair here, and we really get no sense of the personalities of the two women other than superficialities and externalities of character. A mediocre poem.
Whew! What is there to say after all that? I think the mechanics of this poem have been beat to death. (I will chime in to say I thought the room/zoom rhyme was really bad). So let's move on the "Longinan" (to coin a word) aspects of the poem. The main problem for me was the poem's superficiality, capturing only the outside of events, not their inner essence. Here we have a little lesbian love affair here, and we really get no sense of the personalities of the two women other than superficialities and externalities of character. A mediocre poem.
