Buyer's remorse?

[mcfbridge]

Curious to hear opinions on this.

For those of you who've read any of my stuff, you probably know I'm a Dom.

While I've lived out this style in my bedroom many times, I had my first cyber experience with it only yesterday.

I met this lady online thru this site, and that is absolutely all I will say about her.

We exchanged PMs, and after several days, I convinced her to give me her online addr so we could chat.

We talked a couple of times, and she asked me to write a story about her, which I have done. No, it is not yet posted, and unless she says it's okay with her, it won't be.

Anyway, she sent me a PM later, saying how hot the story had gotten her.

I got her online a little while later, and what began as chatting ended up as cybersex, with me instructing her what to do and her doing it.

No, I obviously don't know for a fact that she did what I said, but considering the reaction, I'd say it was a good bet.

I had her use her hands on herself, and after a while changed to objects. The girl seemed to get more and more turned on as I pushed her to do more unusual things.

After, we'd done this for awhile, and she was obviously very horny. I told her to stop typing an finish herself off with the objects currrently inside her, and then get back on.

3 or 4 minutes later, she came back on. She had cum, but afterwards, she felt terribly guilty. She has a boyfriend, and now that she was no longer horny, she felt like she had cheated on him.

We talked for a few minutes more, but I couldn't get her out of her depression.

I know she enjoyed what we did, and I'm thinking that as she gets horny again, she'll stop being so guilty about it.

Anyway, anyone else have any similar experiences and any advice on how to handle this.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Well as has been shown in previous threads, views will vary on this, but IMO, yes, she has cheated, or at least been led into an area of being sexual with another outside her relationship, cyber or not. To me if I found a partner were having an online orgasm through the thoughts and instructions of another I would see it as a serious breach or trust and signs the relationship was not what I previously thought. If there was an agreement it was acceptable that is different.

My questions would be though, why do you need to try and get her to continue and not feel guilty about cheating if you are interested in having a relationship? Why do you need to build a relationship on another's heartache when there are plenty of single submissives out there? If you are already getting the real thing in your bedroom, why do you need to play with someone who is obviously not feeling good about what she has done? Why would you want to encourage a submissive to break trust when it is one of the most important foundations of a D/s relationship? Is it ego stroking for you? Sorry if it sounds harsh but it just seems a little self centred to ask how to keep this woman from withdrawing when you know she is in a relationship and is having serious guilt over breaching the trust of her SO.

Catalina

 

[mcfbridge]

Well as has been shown in previous threads, views will vary on this, but IMO, yes, she has cheated, or at least been led into an area of being sexual with another outside her relationship, cyber or not. To me if I found a partner were having an online orgasm through the thoughts and instructions of another I would see it as a serious breach or trust and signs the relationship was not what I previously thought. If there was an agreement it was acceptable that is different.

My questions would be though, why do you need to try and get her to continue and not feel guilty about cheating if you are interested in having a relationship? Why do you need to build a relationship on another's heartache when there are plenty of single submissives out there? If you are already getting the real thing in your bedroom, why do you need to play with someone who is obviously not feeling good about what she has done? Why would you want to encourage a submissive to break trust when it is one of the most important foundations of a D/s relationship? Is it ego stroking for you? Sorry if it sounds harsh but it just seems a little self centred to ask how to keep this woman from withdrawing when you know she is in a relationship and is having serious guilt over breaching the trust of her SO.

Catalina

Yes, I knew she had a boyfriend and that he was away for quite awhile, (no he's not military) but she was as interested in this as I was. She would send me notes telling me how hot she was getting and telling me to contact her. I certainly didn't expect the level of remorse that came later.


As to myself, I am not currently in a good relationship. I simply said that I had experienced it.

 

[AngelicAssassin]

Back up kittycat

Don't be judgemental sharp claws. If i were in the same position, i'd waffle myself, but not for the same reasons. More along the lines of pissed off and deciding between honor and revenge ... walking away and never looking back, or breaking her and doing the same thing. After the sudden attack of guilt, she doesn't get a bye.

Yeah, i'm the sadistic son of a bitch you never want on the opposite side in a game of dodge ball.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Re: Back up kittycat

Don't be judgemental sharp claws. If i were in the same position, i'd waffle myself, but not for the same reasons. More along the lines of pissed off and deciding between honor and revenge ... walking away and never looking back, or breaking her and doing the same thing. After the sudden attack of guilt, she doesn't get a bye.

Yeah, i'm the sadistic son of a bitch you never want on the opposite side in a game of dodge ball.

Not being judegmental, just in my usual fashion trying to understand better why people do as they do....can't be all hearts and flowers 100% of the time and be authentic. I have made my fair share of stuff ups in life, and will continue to as I am human, but when you are not the one in the centre of the problem, sometimes the issues appear much clearer. Perhaps specialising in relationship counselling also highlights the areas people wander into where they see the signs of danger yet continue to try and bury them and then wonder why it didn't turn out like a Hollywood love story.

There are so many available people out there, why set yourself up for heartache by going for the unavailable? Why even start the involvement if you are aware from the beginning? I am always reminded of hearing 'If they cheat on someone and leave them for you, chances are they will in time do the same to you'. Just common sense and responsibility IMO, but that is my own learning. Maybe to take one of Pure's strategies....if you see the car you would love to own parked in the street, do you break in, hotwire it, drive off happily knowing it is not yours, then scream foul when you are arrested? Play with fire, you are likely to get burned....if you know someone is taken from the beginning, but choose to keep pursuing the relationship, (and remember we are talking about a Dom so would hope he would have some self control), is it then expected everyone is going to feel it is a match made in heaven and absolve him of his responsibility for the choice and/or outcome?

Catalina

 

[mcfbridge]

Re: Re: Back up kittycat

Not being judegmental, just in my usual fashion trying to understand better why people do as they do....can't be all hearts and flowers 100% of the time and be authentic. I have made my fair share of stuff ups in life, and will continue to as I am human, but when you are not the one in the centre of the problem, sometimes the issues appear much clearer. Perhaps specialising in relationship counselling also highlights the areas people wander into where they see the signs of danger yet continue to try and bury them and then wonder why it didn't turn out like a Hollywood love story.

There are so many available people out there, why set yourself up for heartache by going for the unavailable? Why even start the involvement if you are aware from the beginning? I am always reminded of hearing 'If they cheat on someone and leave them for you, chances are they will in time do the same to you'. Just common sense and responsibility IMO, but that is my own learning. Maybe to take one of Pure's strategies....if you see the car you would love to own parked in the street, do you break in, hotwire it, drive off happily knowing it is not yours, then scream foul when you are arrested? Play with fire, you are likely to get burned....if you know someone is taken from the beginning, but choose to keep pursuing the relationship, (and remember we are talking about a Dom so would hope he would have some self control), is it then expected everyone is going to feel it is a match made in heaven and absolve him of his responsibility for the choice and/or outcome?

Catalina

Interesting analogy, but no wholly accurate. The car does not ask you to take it. Now I admit I'm speaking from inexperience, but I wouldn't have even known where to look to start a cyber relationship. This more or less developed out of discussion of our stories.

Please understand, I don't feel guilty or betrayed. I enjoyed every minute of it, and I never had any illusions that this girl somehow belonged to me exclusively.

I admit I am hoping she gets over the guilt as she is a lot of fun, in more ways than just the cybersex. The guilt trip just surprised me because she had been so enthusiastic right up until she orgasmed.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Re: Re: Re: Back up kittycat

I admit I am hoping she gets over the guilt as she is a lot of fun, in more ways than just the cybersex. The guilt trip just surprised me because she had been so enthusiastic right up until she orgasmed.

LOL, we do and/or agree to many things when in the moment and looking for that thrill and release...it is typically afterwards when things cool down that guilt often moves in and plays it's hand. Sometimes it dulls enough with time to repeat the experience, sometimes it remains a lesson of where the person does not feel comfortable going under the circumstances...part of the realms of temptation, and the difficulty in resisting that which some of us most want, the taboo and the often unacceptable or unattainable. It then becomes a matter of measuring the risks, the pros and cons, and what you can live with when you look in the mirror each morning..some can, some can't.

Catalina

 

[MissTaken]

IMHO, it doesn't matter what anyone defines as cheating, at this juncture. It does matter whether or not she feels she has cheated. Then, McB, the only thing you can do is to listen and respect her feelings.

If it is the first time she has had cyber sex with anyone but her boyfriend or cybered at all, she will have some thinking to do to sort out in her head what is acceptable, what is fidelity and where the lines are drawn.

Some can cyber as easily as they look at porn and get off. To them, it means nothing more than interaction with an intimate stimuli. For others, emotions or their definition of intimacy and expectations for their behaviour and their relationship may make cybering a much more intense experience from teh POV of guilty pleasure.

 

[AngelicAssassin]

Re: Re: Back up kittycat

Not being judegmental, just in my usual fashion trying to understand better why people do as they do ... (and remember we are talking about a Dom so would hope he would have some self control), is it then expected everyone is going to feel it is a match made in heaven and absolve him of his responsibility for the choice and/or outcome?

Catalina

i don't think he's looking for sunshine blown up his tailpipe kittycat. Based on what he's said since the original post, he doesn't sound like he's looking for a trip down the aisle, nor into a dungeon on a permanent basis. i'd say he perhaps felt a little used, but he says he doesn't feel betrayed. What makes me shake my head? She's fine right up to the point of orgasm then cries "Woe is me," for her lack of control.

Doesn't matter one way or another. He has no emotional commitment. She's just fun until he's ready to move on to someone that can appreciate what he can provide ... without the whine and Brie thereafter.

 

[rosco rathbone]

Re: Back up kittycat

Yeah, i'm the sadistic son of a bitch you never want on the opposite side in a game of dodge ball.

Oooh you are so ruff & tuff!! Can I shine your shoes?

 

[AngelicAssassin]

Re: Re: Back up kittycat

Oooh you are so ruff & tuff!! Can I shine your shoes?

i'm barefoot, you up for giving a pedicure? ... http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2003-8/363868/2cool2.gif

 

[rosco rathbone]

Re: Re: Re: Back up kittycat

i'm barefoot, you up for giving a pedicure? ... http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2003-8/363868/2cool2.gif

Only if U won't shoot toejam in my mouth, I promised St. Christopher I wouldn't swallow till after my sweet 16 if daddy gave me the 'vette.

 

[AngelicAssassin]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Back up kittycat

Only if U won't shoot toejam in my mouth, I promised St. Christopher I wouldn't swallow till after my sweet 16 if daddy gave me the 'vette.

ROFL!!!

After you Gaston ... i think we've wreaked enough havoc here for one day ... http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2003-8/363868/2cool2.gif

 

[rosco rathbone]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Back up kittycat

ROFL!!!

After you Gaston ... i think we've wreaked enough havoc here for one day ... http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2003-8/363868/2cool2.gif

*drinks off a shot, tips the barkeep $50, shoots the piano player in the head and rides my trusty steed right over the clubhouse bar and into the horzon throwing up divots from the 18th hole green*

 

[mcfbridge]

Re: Re: Re: Back up kittycat

i don't think he's looking for sunshine blown up his tailpipe kittycat. Based on what he's said since the original post, he doesn't sound like he's looking for a trip down the aisle, nor into a dungeon on a permanent basis. i'd say he perhaps felt a little used, but he says he doesn't feel betrayed. What makes me shake my head? She's fine right up to the point of orgasm then cries "Woe is me," for her lack of control.

Doesn't matter one way or another. He has no emotional commitment. She's just fun until he's ready to move on to someone that can appreciate what he can provide ... without the whine and Brie thereafter.

Okay, not to sound completely naive here, but I am very new to cyber sex. I write a lot, and chat to a lot of other writers, but this type of thing is not something I have any experience at. On the other hand, I have to admit it's a hell of a lot of fun.

So, how does one meet people who want to play on-line. Cybersex, webcams, etc.

The only things I really see are pay websites advertising junk similar to the old 900 phone sex line. Are there real people one can meet, and how do I do that?

 

[A Desert Rose]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Back up kittycat

Okay, not to sound completely naive here, but I am very new to cyber sex. I write a lot, and chat to a lot of other writers, but this type of thing is not something I have any experience at. On the other hand, I have to admit it's a hell of a lot of fun...

...Are there real people one can meet, and how do I do that?

Two words... chat rooms.

YUCK!

 

[Kajira Callista]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Back up kittycat

Okay, not to sound completely naive here, but I am very new to cyber sex. I write a lot, and chat to a lot of other writers, but this type of thing is not something I have any experience at. On the other hand, I have to admit it's a hell of a lot of fun.

So, how does one meet people who want to play on-line. Cybersex, webcams, etc.

The only things I really see are pay websites advertising junk similar to the old 900 phone sex line. Are there real people one can meet, and how do I do that?

www.anywebcam.com
they have a D/s and a bdsm room both are really nice.
not that i would know personally
i have just hear its nice there

 

[AngelicAssassin]

Chat rooms

So, how does one meet people who want to play on-line. Cybersex, webcams, etc ... Are there real people one can meet, and how do I do that?

You can start out right here at Lit actually. Try the front page for Literotica.com ... If i remember correctly, they have both a D/s room and a BDSM room, as well as all other manner of interests. The conversation moves quickly in the main lounge, and can move quickly in some of the other rooms.

 

[DVS]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Back up kittycat

Two words... chat rooms.

YUCK!

um, maybe it's me but I count 3 words.


Yahoo has chat rooms, and they're free. You can go to bondage.com and chat. There are lots of places. Cyber for me? I gave it a go a few years back, and I can see where some would like it. Not my cup of tea, actually, but then that's just me.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Re: Re: Re: Back up kittycat

What makes me shake my head? She's fine right up to the point of orgasm then cries "Woe is me," for her lack of control.

LOL, now I am disappointed...I thought you knew just about everything about women!! Believe me, this is not an unusual reaction from a woman, at least one who does have some sort of ability to realise when she has crossed the line. Add to that you men do not hold a monopoly on getting to a point where it takes a hell of a lot to turn back and say no...after orgasm that point can seem so much easier to see and hold to.

Catalina

 

[AngelicAssassin]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Back up kittycat

LOL, now I am disappointed...I thought you knew just about everything about women ...

Not even close.

If i did ... http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2003-8/363868/evil.gif

... after orgasm that point can seem so much easier to see and hold to ...

If you're speaking of, "Let's do it again!" i'm right there with you ... http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2003-8/363868/eyebrow.gif, but i know you mean something else ...

 

[Queen Bee]

I don't believe she was stricken with some big fit of remorse. If she was, she'd say, "Sorry, I disapprove of what I just did and I don't intend to do it again. Thanks anyway." She wouldn't be trying to emotionally engage you.

There are two likely reasons for her hand wringing. One is that she had fun, but only wanted a one-time thing, and is trying to gently detach you without being honest or making it seem personal. The old "let's just be friends" line.

The other possibility is that she's a needy, weepy drama queen and as long as you converse with her she'll need constant cheering, reassuring and ego-stroking. If that doesn't float your boat, consider seeking out a new cyber pal.

 

[Phoenix Stone]

three other possibilities up for grabs

1. subdrop (discussed elsewhere or see threads in library)
2. She knows she fucked up, feels deep shame, and thinks it better to cut it off quick so she won't be tempted.
3. She wants to be talked back into it. (Reluctance/non-consent fetish)

If #3. you likely heard from her again, with some dropped hints about how bad she feels (and wants to feel again ). If #1, you also likely heard from her again, with explanation.

Wouldn't take bets on any of these, as we don't have much info. How did it turn out?