Bush Speaks On Economy

Purple Haze

Literally Stimulated
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Sep 19, 2000
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WASHINGTON, DC—Amid growing concerns about the faltering stock market and deepening recession, President Bush vowed to tackle the nation's economic woes head-on Tuesday, assuring the American people that he "will not rest" until Saddam Hussein is removed from power.

"Our nation's economy is struggling right now," said Bush, delivering the keynote address at the National Economic Forum. "Our manufacturing base is weak, new home sales are down, and unemployment is up. Millions of our people are suffering. That is why I stand before you tonight and make this promise: Saddam Hussein will be stopped."

With the Dow regularly suffering triple-digit plunges and the Nasdaq hitting a six-year low of 1184.94 late last month, Bush used the speech as an opportunity to outline his plan for getting the economy back on track.
"We can no longer turn a blind eye to our tumbling stock market and the disintegration of the retirement package of the American worker," Bush said. "That is why I have developed a 14-point plan for reviving America's economy. The first step is taking the biological and chemical weapons out of the hands of this madman. These sorts of weapons have no place in a peaceful world."
Turning to the problem of unemployment, Bush discussed his strategy for creating new jobs and stimulating growth in the tech sector.
"We're working hard to put Americans back to work," Bush said. "Our citizens are fighters, they just need the opportunity. And it is in this spirit that we are committed to defeating Saddam Hussein, so that the world may stand together in liberty and freedom."

Bush then addressed the issue of corporate malfeasance, promising sweeping reforms and a major crackdown on white-collar criminals.

"Corrupt CEOs must be treated like any other criminal," Bush said. "The damage they do to this country, eroding investors' faith in our stock market and corporate institutions, is extremely serious. I would like to deliver a clear message to those who would bilk hardworking Americans out of their hard-earned 401K plans while greedily lining their own pockets: We cannot, and will not, sit idly by while this threat continues to mount in the Middle East. Iraq has stood in violation of U.N. resolutions since 1991 by refusing to allow weapons inspectors into the palace compound, where we suspect there are laboratories for creating weapons of mass destruction. We must remove the dictator Saddam Hussein and install a government that is committed to working toward free and democratic elections for the nation of Iraq."
Added Bush: "This man tried to kill my dad."
After the president's speech, Press Secretary Ari Fleischer issued a brief statement.

"As you have just heard, the president and this administration are fully committed to turning the economy around," Fleischer said. "We know how important it is for everyone to feel confident that their investment dollars are safe and that they will be able to build a better future for themselves and their children. We also know that what we really need to do at this time is to oust Saddam Hussein. Let's roll."

http://theonion.com/onion3838/bush_on_economy.html
 
hey man, war is great for an economy! Bring back the Rosie Rivitor ads, she was a hottie.
 
Purple Haze said:
WASHINGTON, DC—
.

"As you have just heard, the president and this administration are fully committed to turning the economy around," Fleischer said. "We know how important it is for everyone to feel confident that their investment dollars are safe and that they will be able to build a better future for themselves and their children. We also know that what we really need to do at this time is to oust Saddam Hussein. Let's roll."

http://theonion.com/onion3838/bush_on_economy.html

This is what has me worried!
 
I read the thread title and thought: "Oh now this oughta be good"

Uh-huh .. why does this "Economy sucks so let's go to war" anthem not shock me? Oh, wait .. we've seen this before .. if only I could remember where ...
 
Damn you Saddam...it's your fault that Les Mis is closing on Broadway

Damn you Saddam...it's your fault Eron collapsed

Damn you Saddam...it's your fault my daddy lost to bill clinton

Damn you Saddam...it's your fault that Martha Stuart's gonna be some bad woman's bitch
 
deliciously_naughty said:
Damn you Saddam...it's your fault that Martha Stuart's gonna be some bad woman's bitch

*chuckles* that was a good one :D
 
The only thing that is funny about it is it is believeable.
 
WASHINGTON, DC—In a chilling development, the CIA announced Monday that it has acquired a videotape showing suspected al-Qaeda operatives engaging in what appears to be telemarketing.

"This video, obtained from a credible third-party source, features grainy footage of a group of men strongly believed to be al-Qaeda members making phone solicitations for vacation-home rentals, long-distance phone service, magazine subscriptions, and a vast array of other products and services," CIA Director George Tenet said at a press conference. "Many of these calls have occurred, unthinkably, during the dinner hour."

Added Tenet: "We had known about al-Qaeda's practice of raising money through drug trafficking and money laundering, but it seems the full scope of their depravity had barely been imagined."

The video is not the only evidence of telemarketing activity within al-Qaeda. According to Tenet, CIA agents tracking the terrorist organization over the past 12 months made steady progress infiltrating its communications network, eventually gaining access to transmissions to and from al-Qaeda operatives. These transmissions included a number of telemarketing "cold calls" to randomly chosen U.S. citizens.

Last December, during a sweep of caves near the Afghan-Pakistani border, Maj. Gen. Dan K. McNeill, leader of U.S. forces in Afghanistan, unearthed further evidence corroborating the phone-solicitation theory. Inside one cave, McNeill and his troops found a bank of empty cubicles with individual phone lines, a bullhorn, and 10 desktop bells, commonly rung in the event of a "sale."

"I couldn't believe what I saw," said McNeill, who also discovered bomb-making instructions and detailed maps of U.S. landmarks in the cave.
"On top of all the destruction these people had already unleashed, plans were underway to harass the American people with a merciless assault of offers for everything from discounts on home DSL lines to pre-approved, low-interest credit cards."

For all the evidence collected by the CIA, the "smoking gun" in the investigation may turn out to be an alleged Osama bin Laden motivational videotape, currently in the possession of CNN. The controversial tape, which has never aired on the cable network, is rumored to feature bin Laden urging his followers to think positive and believe in the quality of the product they are pitching, closing on the grim slogan "Smile And Dial."

Among the victims of al-Qaeda's telemarketing efforts is Coral Gables, FL, retiree Bernice Parks, who last Friday spent nearly 45 minutes trying to say no to a pushy aluminum-siding salesman who identified himself only as "Mohammed," only to give in and order full siding for her home. It is believed that the $3,000 charged to Parks' credit card—an amount she thought to be "a rock-bottom value, especially compared to what big companies like Sears charge"—was funneled through al-Qaeda's extensive siding cartel.

Nearly all of the $3,000 became al-Qaeda profit after what Parks described as "worn, faded siding that seemed to have been removed from another house" was hastily installed by three Middle-Eastern-looking men in an unmarked van.

"These evil people are preying on bored receptionists, gullible housewives, and defenseless seniors like me," Parks said. "At home, at work... they simply do not care."

In spite of the mounting evidence, al-Qaeda leaders detained in Guantanamo Bay continue to deny that their group is involved in any over-the-phone solicitation.

"Al-Qaeda is willing to do many things to achieve its goals," said Tariq al-Salaam from his holding cell. "Disrupting people with intrusive, unwanted phone calls is not one of them."

Jerry Wiener, a Metairie, LA, 75-year-old who was recently scammed into buying a $4,200-a-month timeshare condominium in "Yumabad, Arizona," urged the U.S. to take action.

"If it was up to me, every last one of those animals would be drawn and quartered in the public square," Wiener said. "I thought these al-Qaeda guys were pretty bad before. But making pushy, aggressive sales pitches to random, innocent strangers who just want to eat their supper in peace? That's about as low as it gets."

http://www.theonion.com/onion3834/al-qaeda_telemarketing.html
 
Little Orphan Annie Returns . . .

brokenbrainwave said:
hey man, war is great for an economy! Bring back the Rosie Rivitor ads, she was a hottie.

I wanna be Daddy Warbucks!!!
 
celiaKitten said:
Uh-huh .. why does this "Economy sucks so let's go to war" anthem not shock me? Oh, wait .. we've seen this before .. if only I could remember where ...

A little place called Berlin, say, 65 years ago.
A quaint island nation "saving" the Fuckin Islands from the Argies...
And so on.
 
PRINCETON, NJ—According to the latest Gallup Poll, conducted Monday and Tuesday of this week, nearly three out of four Americans can no longer believe this shit.
In addition to the 73 percent of poll respondents who described this shit as "beyond belief," 9 percent said they could "hardly" believe this shit, with another 5 percent "just barely" believing it. An additional 13 percent said they "couldn't give a flying fuck about the whole goddamn thing."
The poll also found that the National Shit-Credulity Index (NSCI) has hit an all-time low, with only 2 percent of Americans describing themselves as "fully confident of [their] capacity to believe this shit."
"The American people have had to deal with this kind of shit for years," Gallup Organization president Lee Sanderson said, "but now, for the first time, it appears that the vast majority of them just can't fucking believe it anymore."
"In all honesty, who can blame them?" Sanderson added. "Regardless of one's political affiliation, socioeconomic status, religion or just about any other viewpoint, you've got to admit, the shit that's been going on lately is way out of hand."
In the wake of the poll, many activists are calling upon America's leaders to get their shit in gear.
"The American people have had it up to here with this shitheap," said James Schuerholz, president of the D.C.-based Heritage Foundation. "There is a public mandate for our leaders to cut this shit out, and it's high time they finally did."
Despite Americans' incredulity over this shit, historians note that this sort of shit has been going on for years and is unlikely to end anytime soon.
"Contrary to popular belief, this type of shit is hardly anything new," Harvard University American history professor Lawrence Coombs said. "The same shit was going down 50, 100 and 150 years ago. The only difference was, back then, you never read about that shit in the newspapers."
Calling the American people's enormous shit-belief capacity "one of the cornerstones of our democracy," U.S. Sen. John Kerry (D-MA) stressed that it is the patriotic duty of all citizens to grant our leaders the benefit of the doubt with regard to their shit.
"If the American people are no longer willing to believe this shit, who will?" Kerry said. "Somebody's got to take this shit at face value. Otherwise, why are we even doing all this shit in the first place? I am truly saddened by the lack of faith that the citizens of this country are willing to put in my shit, as well as that of my esteemed colleagues. We must repair our society's fraying trust in the shit of our elected officials, or you would not believe the kind of hardcore, heavy-duty shit that will come down."
"America," conservative author and social critic Patricia Stouffer said, "is seriously losing its shit. But we've got to somehow hold our shit in place until all this passes. We've got to learn to believe in shit again. After this latest shitstorm, it may take years to accomplish, but we must somehow find the strength to put our trust back into the nation's shit."
Despite such impassioned calls for faith in the U.S. political system and all the shit that comes with it, if the Gallup Poll is any indication, the majority of Americans are no longer willing to put up with the shit.
"Fuck that shit," said Evansville, IN, day-care provider Helen Reiderer. "I'm tired of hearing about it. Do they actually expect us to still believe that load of shit?"
"If you ask me, the shit is about to hit the fan," said Reiderer's husband Frank. "As far as I'm concerned, all that shit is just too much to be believed."
Another disgruntled citizen, Wenatchee, WA, tractor salesman Tom Huard, summed up the sentiments of most Americans when, holding up the front page of the local newspaper to friend Benjamin Pritchard, he said, "Jesus, Ben, can you believe this?"
"Shit, no," Pritchard replied.

http://www.theonion.com/onion3410/unabletobelieve.html
 
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