Bumps in the road

[Krinaia]

I am thankful for having met many of the people that I've met while coming into myself as a submissive. One online friend of mine I only recently discovered lived near by when for the first time we began to talk about our personal lives. Immediately more interested, we began to get to know each other better with the hope a relationship might be possible. I began to get my hopes up a little. Disappointingly, last night I learned something that makes me very wary of the situation and unsure of whether to proceed. I won't bother you with those details because I know how to proceed if I make that decision ... it's just disappointing. I said that.

One of the great things about this forum is that I see so many happy bdsm couples. And needing some encouragement right now ... could some of you share your stories a little? How things went wrong, how things went right. The ones that got away. The ones you nagged and forever grateful for or maybe just the relationships that lasted for only a little while but dang were they great while they lasted. I could use the cheering up.

Thanks!

 

[Desdemona]

Snooze and I were casual friends here at Lit for about a year before we even began to explore our friendship in a more personal way. It progressed in the usual fashion with PMs, followed by instant messenging and then phone calls. I was at the end of a short lived, ill advised relationship with someone else. Snooze was being my supportive friend.

One night, I was talking to Snooze about my plans. I said that I was going to place an ad on Bondage.com. At that point, He asked me not to place any ads and told me He wanted to meet me in person. He suggested that since we live fairly near each other, we could at least be play partners. We talked about a number of issues that needed to be addressed before I could even think about His proposal.

I gave it due consideration and finally agreed to meet Him. We became play partners and it was a purely D/s arrangement. I was dead set against becoming emotionally involved with anyone. (yeah, I know. Famous last words. LOL.) Gradually, we began to spend more and more non-sexual time together. Our friendship deepened as we discovered how well we fit and how much we have in common. Now, we have a loving D/s relationship which brings me great joy and more laughter than I've ever had in my life.

I wear His collar and will be relocating to be with Him full time when my house sells. Hope this cheers you up.

 

[Krinaia]

Yes, I loved hearing your story. What a lovely romance. Sigh I'm definitely wearing a smile. Thank you.

Now come on ... who's next?

 

[A Desert Rose]

My happy online stories don't involve romance and love. My stories are of the friends I have made... Des, cellis, eb, analize, shadowsdream, mbb, gil_favor, byron in exile, catalina, unclebill, lioness, MissT, harry ... so many others.

It's the friendships you make that will last. Romance on the internet is an easy find but a rarity, as far as longevity is concerned. Few are as lucky as Des and Snooze. Statistics say that most online romantic relationships last about 4 months. I don't know what the stats are for friendship but mine have lasted a very long time.

Make your friends, but choose them carefully. Who knows if one won't become to you what Snooze is to Des. You could be that lucky, too.

 

[NemoAlia]

Or you could be me, with no particular experience bonding with individual friends on lit, or finding any sort of "special someone." Goodness knows why I'm even here, except that I like the community as a whole. I mean, I haven't done anything even vaguely BDSM-y in nearly two years.

And what's worse is that my 'nilla SO is convinced that I hang out here because I lead (or would really like to lead) a double life that doesn't involve him and that he thinks is morally reprehensible. So since I have no plausible reason to the contrary, I'm just stuck between a rock and a hard place.

That being said, I once had a fabulous BDSM relationship develop from online communication. (not literotica, though) We still stay in touch, though we are no longer together. That's definitely nice.

 

[Krinaia]

Desert Rose

- you're right. I've made some beautiful friendships online. Strange how the internet gives you power to meet people so far away from you. But I didn't mean for people to share only online experiences. Hehe, hell offline stories told might give me ideas on how to meet people in the lifestyle outside of the net.

I'm not going to hold my breath waiting for the perfect dom to come along. I'd be perfectly happy with a man with a bit of a kinky side - especially if the kink allowed me to be tied up.

And really I didn't intend for only just happy stories to be related either. Stories that end with bittersweet disappointment, though sad, are very real. I need a little bit of that right now. To remember that sometimes things end happily as they have for Des and sometimes they don't. But life continues and is still wonderful.

Part of my saddness right now involves my best friend of five years. I can literally feel and see us growing apart. It's painful. I wish that if our friendship is going to draw to a close, that would at least do so without any hard feelings. I'm afraid that's probably not going to be the case.

 

[cellis]

My happy online stories don't involve romance and love. My stories are of the friends I have made... Des, cellis, eb, analize, shadowsdream, mbb, gil_favor, byron in exile, catalina, unclebill, lioness, MissT, harry ... so many others.

It's the friendships you make that will last. Romance on the internet is an easy find but a rarity, as far as longevity is concerned. Few are as lucky as Des and Snooze. Statistics say that most online romantic relationships last about 4 months. I don't know what the stats are for friendship but mine have lasted a very long time.

Make your friends, but choose them carefully. Who knows if one won't become to you what Snooze is to Des. You could be that lucky, too.

I did meet Himself on the internet... through Alt.com. We were both looking... we found each other and the rest is history...

I have never been a LDR... I would not know how to function in such a relationship... I need to touch and feel and smell the other person...

I am lucky we both live in the same town.

I agree Rose... It is the friendships I have made here that are lasting....

 

[Krinaia]

I have asked others to share their experiences but haven't really shared one of my own so here goes:

Two years ago I began playing cards online to relieve stress. I meet this older guy (by 9 yrs) and began to look to him as the older brother I never had. One day, he hit on me. I was so shocked that he knocked me right out of the world I'd been living in. I'd been denying that I was allowed to feel like a sexual being for years based on the fact that I didn't think someone as unattractive as myself deserved to date anyone. I woke up, Realized I'd been an idiot and began to change.

He and I were going to meet, we were considering a relationship. It never happened. The meeting or the relationship. He found a girl closer to home and I stumbled into a bdsm chatroom and discovered another part of myself I'd been denying. He broke up with the girl but I had realized I had far more issues than just self-image to deal with.

So here we are, two years later, still very good friends and still playing gin. I won't meet him because I can't afford a long distance relationship right now and because I need to experience life a little more before I go devoting myself to him because if I'm going to go down that road, I don't want to turn back. So first, self discovery. And I'm hoping he finds the perfect woman. That she gives him the children he so desires and that he gets to live the blissful life (filled with untied shoelaces and school plays) he's always dreamed of. And regardless of who that woman is, I wish to always remain his friend.

That's my contribution to this thread

 

[A Desert Rose]

I have asked others to share their experiences but haven't really shared one of my own so here goes:

Two years ago I began playing cards online to relieve stress. I meet this older guy (by 9 yrs) and began to look to him as the older brother I never had. One day, he hit on me. I was so shocked that he knocked me right out of the world I'd been living in. I'd been denying that I was allowed to feel like a sexual being for years based on the fact that I didn't think someone as unattractive as myself deserved to date anyone. I woke up, Realized I'd been an idiot and began to change.

He and I were going to meet, we were considering a relationship. It never happened. The meeting or the relationship. He found a girl closer to home and I stumbled into a bdsm chatroom and discovered another part of myself I'd been denying. He broke up with the girl but I had realized I had far more issues than just self-image to deal with.

So here we are, two years later, still very good friends and still playing gin. I won't meet him because I can't afford a long distance relationship right now and because I need to experience life a little more before I go devoting myself to him because if I'm going to go down that road, I don't want to turn back. So first, self discovery. And I'm hoping he finds the perfect woman. That she gives him the children he so desires and that he gets to live the blissful life (filled with untied shoelaces and school plays) he's always dreamed of. And regardless of who that woman is, I wish to always remain his friend.

That's my contribution to this thread

Interesting.

I met my previous Dom at an online backgammon site. I could usually beat him, too.

 

[Krinaia]

Interesting.

I met my previous Dom at an online backgammon site. I could usually beat him, too.

lol. how did he take to that?

My friend and I go in spurts of who wins. I also enjoy frequenting the yahoo billards rooms. I usually get beat but I enjoy the challenge

 

[A Desert Rose]

lol. how did he take to that?

My friend and I go in spurts of who wins. I also enjoy frequenting the yahoo billards rooms. I usually get beat but I enjoy the challenge

He took losing very well but he refused to take any advice on how to avoid losing. And He would get very angry if he thought I was not playing to win.

He was/is pigheaded like that.

 

[A Desert Rose]

And while I have the opportunity to say so... you are a bright young lady with a well grounded sensibility.

I think you will be a good asset here. And I like you.

 

[Krinaia]

My mom used to make me let my brother win. I'd get so mad. I'd whine that he had to learn to be a better loser. He doesn't cry any more when he loses but he does get a malicious smile if he's beating me at something. Little bastard, I love him.

 

[Netzach]

My online to real romances are mainly in the beautiful disaster categories.

I learned that I love women's bodies, not just in the abstract.

I learned what I look like in the mirror, clothed, pressed to the bare back of a naked, muscular, adult male who is ready to be vulnerable, and that this was exactly what I thought it would feel like, and better, and I needed it.

I learned that that vulnerability, however beautiful, is not always to be taken as a promise of anything, or more than a fleeting moment.

I took a guy on an unforgettable tour of the collections at the MCA in Chicago.

I walked up and down sunlit NYC streets, proudly, with my girlfriend, arm in arm, and people smiled at us instead of freaking out. To be young, cute and in love in NYC is good.

I learned that long distance relationships don't work for me.

I learned that I can be an asshole and not just a martyr.

I don't think I'd do differently, but I certainly have no rosy happy ever after that resulted from online to contribute.

 

[Shadowsdream]

The slave and I met online in 1999. I was living in British Columbia Canada and he was living in Stockholm Sweden. he had been searching for a Mistress that wanted a deep BDSM relationship. he came to Me not as a submissive looking for a Mistress but as a young man who enjoyed a vanilla poetry site I had on the Internet. The conversation was about music and never touched on BDSM.
his intellect and sweetness kept the conversation from becoming boring and over a week or two the conversation sought out the topic of BDSM.
I was already in a LDR with a wonderful (submissive by nature) man from New York that I saw 4 or 5 times a year. I was also considering a sub male in Australia for a 24/7 relationship. A sweet submissive female and I were also having conversations about her tragic attempts at finding a Master who was really a Master and not just a man trying to get laid by everyone on the Internet.
I had a Canadian submissive male at this time as well. I adored him and he adored Me but overtime I found that he was not satisfied with who he really was and kept reinventing himself through acts of (supposed) courage etc. The last conversation I had with him he was talking about a lottery and 500,000.00 that he was going to receive half of....I kissed him good bye on that note!
I believe it was about 4 months into the ICQ and chatroom conversations that the slave decided he must overcome his incredible fear of flying and come to Me to see if I was his reality or not. I was quite clear with him that I saw the age difference between U/us as less than desirable (18 years difference) but his persistance paid off and I allowed the visit. he stayed with Me for one month and went home more addicted to this lifestyle than even his fantasy had thought possible. he stayed in Sweden only 1 1/2 months before he was once again on his knees in Canada. Another 1 month visit. Several months later I decided I should also see his Country and flew to him for 3 weeks.
It was obvious that he and I could have a good life as W/we both desired to live 24/7 in a TPE relationship. I moved to Sweden.
The New York man and I have remained very good friends but My absence from North America became unbearable for him for some time. He drifted from TV to TV for awhile. This is a man that will always be a piece of My life in the most positive way and memories.
The submissive female and I eventually began to live together when I flew her to Me. I still have a soft spot in My heart for her even though she is a woman who can not trust that she is good enough for just one relationship and so must always have her candle burning dishonestly at both ends.
Positives and negatives...but all worth the pain and the laughter.

 

[Shadowsdream]

...good heavens I left you not knowing the outcome of the Australians life!

he and I have remained wonderful friends..I speak with him almost every day with the permission of his 24/7 Mistress. They are planning on being married next year and are incredibly happy as a couple. he has finally fouund a Mistress that is as devoted to pony play as he is.

 

[Desdemona]

I'm enjoying everyone's stories. Please let me clarify. I don't consider my relationship to be an online romance. In fact, it never progressed to an emotional level until we had spent considerable time together in real life. I have tried the online romance/LDR thing. It brought me nothing but pain and frustration. I need the real world, complete with flaws in order to be happy.

For me, the wonderful thing about being online is the ability to make lasting friendships. I feel extremely fortunate to have several here at Lit. These people educate me, support me when I'm sad, kick me in the ass when I'm being stupid and make me laugh. They allow me to peer into their own lives as well. And just to annoy my buddy ADR, you guys all know who you are.

LMAO

 

[hurtme]

*sigh* I suppose I will post, but I never really have had happy love stories, 'nilla, or otherwise
The first D/s relationship I had was with a guy I had known for about five years, we had been fairly close...he was going to be married and he was leaving for the army in a few weeks, so he propositioned me, and I turned him down, because I was in a LTR with someone. Flash forward three years. He is out of the army, and divorced, I am still in the same LTR, but it is gasping for its last breaths of air and I know it. We start hanging out again, and i find that his tastes have gotten even more...exotic, since being overseas. He propositions me again, and I turn him down again, for several reasons, my LTR, our friendship, couple other things. So we go out with mutual friends a few times, and we start getting really close, one night, we are driving home, we pulled over for some reason, and well, one thing led to another...and this...relationship started, and it was amazing. The sex was perfect, but the control he had over my mind was awe inspiring...he could make me do things I never even thought possible. I gave myself utterly to him, and he worshipped me for it. The only thing he requested of me, not love, not anything else, but he requested my complete trust and faith in him, and I gave it blindly, the way a child would, so caught up was I in this amazing thing that was happening. Flash forward a couple months, things are still amazing, but I am feeling guilty over betraying my (former, now) SO, something I had never done before, but I don't want to say anything. He keeps pressing for my feelings about him, and I am afraid to tell him because...well, just because feelings are hard for me to express...and I find out later, he is trying to find a way to ask me to leave my SO, but doesn't feel that he has the right to ask me that. So due to both our fears to express ourselves, the relationship ends, badly, one of the worst relationship endings I have ever had, with him going to a dear friend of mine.
It is bittersweet, I am happy for her, and he is happy, but our relationship ended badly, and our feelings never actually went away, they were just put aside. We are still quite close and we have had many conversations on what might have been, what could have been, if we had only been more open with each other. It hurts for us to see each other, knowing that now, but we still do, almost daily, and it always ends with a hug, a peck on the cheek or the head...and it always hurts...good thing I like pain...He dedicated a song to me, which I thought was cheesy, but ah well...its poison, by alice cooper...(I think)

 

[Quint]

My relationship began online in deceit, dishonesty, and insecurity on both sides. He saw a need in me that was not being fulfilled and pretended he wanted to meet it for me. I allowed and encouraged it, knowing that I was engaged to someone else, knowing that I had considered ending this relationship before but did not have the courage to do so on my own. Having another option ready made the transition possible for me the coward.

Over the course of the past year, we met, fucked, talked, and changed. He swore off sadism. I made melodramatic farewell speeches to BDSM. (Pulling a yayati, as it were.) More talking. We realized the nature of his dishonesty: his need and desire had always been true. The lie was in his perception of it: he was afraid of hurting me, afraid of wanting to hurt me. He got over that.

I moved in with him. I'm living with him now. I'm working on becoming self-sufficient on my own terms, to be the sort of person who would not need to leap from one relationship into another.

Summation: I cheated on my fiancee, a man who loved me deeply; we remain friends and both of us believe the separation was for the best. I have not forgiven myself for the cheating. I have found and live with a partner who is complete in himself and complements me as well. We have both fought ourselves and each other to get here, but here we are. Even were it to end, I would say it has been worth it for all that I have learned.

 

[Krinaia]

And while I have the opportunity to say so... you are a bright young lady with a well grounded sensibility.

I think you will be a good asset here. And I like you.

Awww... Thanks. I like you too ... I think this calls for a hug!

 

[Krinaia]

Thank you everyone for your stories! I am truly enjoying getting to know you all better.

Hurtme, your story makes me once again ask myself a very important question: Does the mashochist in me somehow crave love stories that end painfully or love that is inself painful?

I hope the answer is no but sometimes I have to admit the answer could very well be yes. The thought of being so happily in love sometimes has the power to truly scare me. It makes me feel there is confirmation in that I need a strong male who will be astute enough if i start to mess things up for this very reason. He'll shake me, spank me and tell me to stop being such a silly woman. Of course, I'd be happy with just a kinky man of intelligence.

 

[Netzach]

A kinky man of intelligence, his worth is in rubies....

seriously, kink and intelligence are fantastic starting points, you never know what can emerge over time. It's not a generic submission that I looked for in a partner, it was being *responsive to me* which is different.

 

[A Desert Rose]

Thank you everyone for your stories! I am truly enjoying getting to know you all better.

Hurtme, your story makes me once again ask myself a very important question: Does the mashochist in me somehow crave love stories that end painfully or love that is inself painful?

I hope the answer is no but sometimes I have to admit the answer could very well be yes. The thought of being so happily in love sometimes has the power to truly scare me. It makes me feel there is confirmation in that I need a strong male who will be astute enough if i start to mess things up for this very reason. He'll shake me, spank me and tell me to stop being such a silly woman. Of course, I'd be happy with just a kinky man of intelligence.

You have so many heartbreaks ahead of you, Skyline. And to be clear, not all heartbreak is a negative thing and not all heartbreak is romantically involved. (For instance, if you have children someday, they can and will break your heart at times. And some heartbreak is caused by seeing those you love, suffer and hurt.) Therefore, not all heartbreak is centered around "you," (in the collective sense, not "you," personally.)

For most of us, heartbreak builds character and is part of the growing process. It's hard to see that when you are in the middle of it, but when the next relationship comes along, the results of the last heartbreak should be apparent. You should be smarter... more caring and more cautious, in other words.

 

[A Desert Rose]

... For me, the wonderful thing about being online is the ability to make lasting friendships. I feel extremely fortunate to have several here at Lit. These people educate me, support me when I'm sad, kick me in the ass when I'm being stupid and make me laugh. They allow me to peer into their own lives as well. And just to annoy my buddy ADR, you guys all know who you are.

LMAO

I love you, too.

Now come clean off my computer screen... or stop making me spew. ;-)

 

[AnelizeDarkEyes]

Originally posted by SkylineBlue
how things went right.

So, let's talk about long-distance, long-term relationships. Can you dig it? Yes, you can--but only if you are willing to work your ASS off, and then maybe not even then. Honestly, some relationships just don't hold up to the realities of day-in, day-out long-distance romance. Johnny Mayberry and I have been working hard, because our relationship has a solid foundation, is stronger than ever, and the long-distance part has a light at the end of the tunnel. He'll be relocating here in a few months.

But here's the thing. LDRs are tough. What can have we done to keep ours going strong, and what can others make work for them?

He and I work extra hard to keep the lines of communication open. We speak by phone for an hour or better nightly (What do we find to talk about? We have much more in common than just BDSM). We IM daily for a few minutes, and much more on the weekends. We post to the same Boards/Lists. If an issue comes up, it is dealt with immediately. There are no secrets in this relationship. This, of course, is all basic relationship-type stuff, but I've found that when you are 8 hours from someone, it's even MORE important to pay special attention to those things.

We make time to see each other. Even if its just for 24 hours. If He thinks that we NEED that time, we both drive the 4 hours, and get together *grin*

Figuring out where your headspace is can be a GOOD thing. I know exactly where mine is, and that is as a 24/7 owned service submissive. Grant you, He isn't HERE, sooooo, technically I am not 24/7 yet. But that is my headspace, and that is where my submission, and my actions come from. Everything I do, or say, comes from that space, as it exists today. Reality will change it, in ways yet only imagined, I'm sure. But it helps ME, as a sub in an LDR, to have that headspace. I used to wear my restraints around the house, when He first took me as His, as a way of getting that headspace screwed on straight.

In closing....LDR's, as a totality, aren't the perfect situation. They don't have to suck, though. They can be made the best of, and they can bring STRENGTHS into your relationship. I believe that is what they have done for Sir and I. I feel we've been strengthened by ours. It's given us a VERY strong foundation from which to continue to build a great relationship.

~anelize