Bummed my latest story isn't loved

[NYCSTUD]

I write what I think is hot. (I'm gay.) It's worked so far, people really go overboard with emails to me praising the stories.

Okay, so I wrote a chapter 2 to "A New York Cop Sucks Dick." The story gets me rock hard.

But, alas, nobody else seems to really think so. One guy ripped me apart for daring to tarnish the NYPD in light of 9/11. ????

Only 12 people voted, nobody has emailed me, and the overall rating is an embarrassing 3.92 right now.

HUMBLING, that's for sure.

Audiences are fickle. I'm at a loss to explain it.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

First, always put a hyperlink if you want people to read and comment on a story. Otherwise it takes too long to search out.

I thought NY Cop Ch 1 was good and Ch 2 was poor and I think the voting kind of reflects that.

Although both stories could benefit from more proofreading and using words not figures for most numbers, part 1 is a neat little piece of a mature cop's reflection of the first time he escaped the anti-gay shackles. A nice vignette with an erotic kick.

In part 2, there isn't really a story, just a stroke piece that really has no real connection with cops, family or characters. It is hard for the reader to empathize and it doesn't seem like a Chapter 2.

I've had a look at your other stuff and I think it's pretty good. The high marks prove it surely? Just think you ran away with yourself this time. An editor would probably help.

Don't let this put you off. You write well and should just shrug your shoulders and move on. That's how we all learn

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

First of all, you story is ---> http://www.literotica.com:81/stories/showstory.php?id=300623

There are some things both good and bad about your story.

Your first paragraph:

Slurping cum, chowing down on a stiff cock, getting fucked up the ass while burying my face into another dude's pubes, these were all images in my head by the time I was an eighteen year old senior in high school. That was the year I had to totally admit to myself that, once and for all, I was into men, into tight pectoral muscles, lean, defined arms with extruding, green veins, tight, manly hands with very short fingernails, into cock, into balls, into tight military type haircuts, into flat, tight guts, into the smell of a man's balls, into muscular shoulders, into cops and their uniforms, into sweatpants, jockstraps, athletic shorts, into men's hard asses and moist mancunt.

I have made all your verbs BOLD. Note that the first two lines are in present tense, then you switch to past tense? This entire paragraph is two impossibly long sentences. Tolstoy did that in War and Peace, but he was a master. You and I are not. You discriptions are too long and too grossly direct. That only gets you "BACK CLICKS".

You wrote this entire story in first person POV. Because you did that and coupled with your writing style it made it nearly impossible to allow your characters to talk. I think you went some 20+ paragraphs before there was any dialogue at all, then it is (a) buried near the end of a paragraph and (b) "AHHH, FUCK, OH GOD, AHHHHHH." is just hidious. That's not dialogue. That's something that's been talked about in the AH for years. Just don't do that. To begin with it's all in capitals. Second it is four run-on sentences. Third, if you want the character to speak loudly, just write it as dialogue and tell the reader in the dialogue tag that he's yelling. Example: "Oh, Fuck!" Arlo screamed."

As Elfin said, your other stories look pretty good. This story is more like a first timer.

Find a good editor. Go to the AH and read what the writers are saying about writing. We really do talk about this shit, you know. You'll do okay.

 

[NYCSTUD]

thanks for the feeback!

much appreciated,
NYCSTUD